First day of school!

Isaac's first day of school!

Isaac has started school!  Last Tuesday, Graham, Isaac and I went to meet Isaac's teacher for an interview and then Isaac started school on Wednesday morning.  I had a letter waiting at his seat at the kitchen table before school started as my mom always wrote us a letter on the first day of school.  He liked his letter and then immediately told me that when Chippy and Skippy got their letters they had French words.  I think I said in the last post that Isaac likes to make up words.  I forgot to mention that he often tells me that the words are French or Thai words.   

We were told to take a family photo to school to be displayed.  We let Isaac choose which photo he wanted.  He chose one which included Josiah's headstone. 

I told Isaac that there would be a nice surprise waiting for him when we returned home from school at lunch time.  He walked into his room to find a new Thomas the Tank bedspread, sheets and curtains.  He's not a big fan of surprises or change so I was taking a little risk but I was pretty sure he'd love it and he does.  His favourite part of school was "lunch".

Waiting for the bell!

I'm looking forward to seeing how he does with a whole week of school.  I'm so glad we're not sending him all day which would be 9:10 - 3:30.  I pick him up around 12:00 PM after he eats his lunch.  He told me that he's making friends who aren't in his Sunday School class.  I'm excited for him and this new adventure.  I'd love to be a fly on the wall.

The other day Isaac went somewhere with Graham so he kissed me good-bye and then said, "Mommy, will you take care of Kohen for me?"  I assured him that I would.  Isaac is quite affectionate with Kohen and a great helper.         

Isaac told me this past week that there's a "fan in Heaven."  I pointed to the standing fan in our living room and asked him if he meant that.  He told me that it's a pretend fan and then said, "The fan in Heaven blows out God's love."  Apparently Isaac has a "picture making machine."  He explained that he thinks something and the picture goes to his head.  He also said that if he doesn't know a word when he's reading, he puts the light on in his head and then he can see it and read it.  He certainly knows how to entertain his Mommy and Daddy.

I've been staying up too late.  The other night I got out of bed to go and watch videos of Josiah, including the video of his first (and only) birthday.  It's kind of bizarre watching the videos because he seems so much worse than we thought he was.  So, I want more videos and yet I don't.

Death is so final in this life.  The other day I looked into the backseat through my rearview mirror.  Kohen's mirror only showed his feet and stomach so I couldn't see his face.  It could have so easily been Josiah sitting there; he wore the same outfit many moons ago.  I want to relive those memories but it doesn't work that way.  I used to think that memories and photos were a way to sort of access the past but I'm only ever in the present, trying to reach back, with my access denied.  He's not here in the present.  I guess some people dream about their loved ones.  I think that would be lovely but that's never happened for me.  I haven't had any tears in ages.  Crying is the only time that I feel a sense of closeness to Josiah.  That's why I want to cry.  I can only feel close to him during the painful tears - otherwise there's no feeling or barely any feeling.  

I enjoyed reading "A Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Vanauken.  He tells of the death of his wife Davy.  I'm reading a little of the sequel, "Under the Mercy."  He talks about what he calls:

 "the Second Death, the moment when the grief comes to an end, as it must, and the tears are dried and the beloved (though no less dear) becomes remote.  ... What follows the Second Death is not a sudden renewal of joy and laughter but a terrible emptiness, a hollow at the centre of one's being: one is, as C.S. Lewis wrote to me, "bereaved of the bereavement itself."  There is no more sense of the beloved's presence, yet no more tears for the new loss. ... But what the typical day did not disclose and what those round me did not discern beneath my cheerful demeanour was what I've called the hollow at the centre--the Davy-shaped hollow.  This should not be taken to mean grief--the traditional 'broken heart'.  The tears were gone.  And she was gone, not to return in this life.  It was, I imagine, a bit like the loss of an arm; the loss is accepted, new ways of coping are invented, life goes on, but there is an empty sleeve.  So in me the emptiness, the hollow, where once Davy had been ... a hollow that only she could fit."

Graham took the day off last Friday and we went to Centre Island and then stayed in a hotel north of Toronto.  The four of us went swimming together in the pool.  It felt so great to be in the pool and it was Kohen's first time. 

Isaac surprised us by going on a pony at Centreville and he was very happy in the cold splashpad.  He was actually doing a little dance and yelling, "I'M SO HAPPY!" and "I'M HAVING FUN!"

I realized on that trip that my mind likes to always come up with ways that things could be better (for example, if we'd packed a picnic and left earlier).  I let those thoughts come into my head but then I tried to just be thankful for what was happening (thankfully we can afford to buy lunch, etc).  That's something I need to practice. 

Graham was watching Isaac at a McDonald's playland.  Graham thought it was pretty cute that Isaac was pretending to be Jesus.  Isaac told Graham that the other children were his disciples.  Thankfully he didn't tell the children that they were his disciples! 

Kohen had his six-month shots last week.  Thankfully he has chunky thighs because he didn't even notice the needle!  He's now had rice cereal, carrots, sweet potato, and banana.  Tomorrow he'll have squash.  It's been fun using the blender to make his food.  He's not a fan of bibs.  He's getting better at waving.

Apparently it's Grandparent's Day today!  Our family plus two of our lovely nieces and the four grandparents all went on the train from Waterloo to St. Jacobs yesterday.  It was fun to be together.  

I like JJ Heller's song Redemption:

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,
Elizabeth

Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.