Cookies, candies, and kiss boxes

I look for Josiah at the grocery store ... in the ice cream aisle, the candy section, amongst the baked goods and chocolate, even chips.  They've never been more tempting as I search for that which I am missing.  The Magnum bars did not satisfy, they did not fulfill their promise.  Maybe licorice will help ... or making the world's best chocolate chip cookies (I'll let you know if sea salt has been the missing ingredient).  This is not what I should do with my grief but it is the easiest thing to do.

I had wanted to make Graham a photo mug for Father's Day but when I sat down to pick the photos I didn't know whether to include Josiah or not.  I asked Graham after the event what photos he'd like on a mug but he didn't know either - so no mug. 

We had some new carpet put in our bedrooms so everything had to be moved to our living room.  Isaac decided that he wanted to be back in his old yellow room so Kohen is now in the green room (Josiah's old room).  The room is set up differently but I often think of Josiah as I nurse and rock Kohen in the comfy brown chair.  

We've enjoyed spending some time with Graham's brother from B.C.  He heads home tomorrow.

Kohen is four and a half months old.  At this stage I'd say he's our happiest, noisiest, most energetic baby of the three (of course, Josiah was intubated at this stage and had a few other issues!)  Kohen's in the 97th percentile for height and the 75th for weight so he's tall for his age. 

I realized recently that I won't always have the physical reminders of Josiah.  I like having the reminders.  One day the crib will no longer be needed and the baby toys won't be strewn around the house.  The baby swing will be gone, as will the car seat and highchair.  Thankfully that won't happen for a while.  We'll all grow older but the photo of Josiah will always stay the same.   

My cousin and her family from Northern Ireland sent the boys some football (soccer) jerseys.  Isaac loves wearing his.

Gary the goat is a new favourite character in Graham's bedtime stories.  Graham decided to test Isaac the other night.  In his story a bird went to get an avocado for Isaac and Gary but the bird fell down and was hurt.  Graham asked Isaac if he would eat the avocado or go and help the bird.  Isaac decided he would eat the avocado really quickly and then help the bird.

Isaac now has an awesome pushbike from his cousin in B.C.  I'd never heard of them before but Isaac loves his.  He even skipped dessert the first night he had it so that he could have more time on the bike.  

Isaac has been listening.  We were walking in the cemetery this afternoon and Isaac said to Graham, "Daddy, did you know that God makes good out of bad?"

At the SickKids memorial event a couple of months ago, Isaac made a memory box that he called a Kiss Box (we'd recently read a library book about a kiss box).  This week we made kisses for the kiss box.  The kisses are cut out hearts.  Each person in the family has a different colour of paper for the hearts.  We can each go to the box for a kiss (for example if Mommy isn't around for a real kiss) and Josiah is always able to get a kiss.   Here's Isaac cutting out kisses.  

  

Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,
Elizabeth

Hebrew 11:6
And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

In the House of the Lord

It feels like both a day and an age since he was in my arms.  Last year Josiah woke us for the last time at 5:42 on the Saturday morning - this time it was Isaac who was crying then.  I replayed what happened in my head until 8:30 AM when they stopped CPR.  I reread the blog entries, remembering.  I sang the "We miss you Josiah" song with Isaac as I made waffles for breakfast.  Isaac asked me again why Josiah had to die.  We blew Josiah kisses.  

My parents just returned from a month in Northern Ireland and England.  It was great to welcome them back.  Isaac gave Grandma lots of kisses.  I remember when I was a child how wonderful it felt to return home after a vacation.  That feeling of home is hard to articulate.  I suspect upon reaching Heaven, one experiences the ultimate feeling of being at home and being where one belongs and really, being in that place where one has always longed for.  I'm glad Josiah can experience that. 

I wrote the above last night but I just kept falling asleep and couldn't finish the post.  Even though today is the 6th, it felt like the anniversary of Josiah's death was yesterday as it all happened on a Saturday.  I ended the day by watching the 8 minute presentation of photo clips that we showed at the funeral.

Upon arriving at church this morning, our pastor's wife gave me a hug and whispered, "We'll never forget."  Thank you.  Thank you to everyone who hasn't forgotten.  Please don't forget my baby with the beautiful blue eyes, incredible smile, and soft curly hair: Josiah Nathanael Gabriel Faulkner.

Isaac asked me again tonight why Josiah died.  We usually ask Isaac why he thinks Josiah died and he talks about his sick heart.  He'll also ask me why we prayed for Josiah.  We say that we know God could have healed him but we don't know why he didn't.  Tonight I told Isaac that God wanted to do amazing things through Josiah's death - things we haven't seen yet.    

Today all our local family ate lunch together and then went to the cemetery.  The headstone was installed on Thursday so today was the unveiling.  On the stone there's a scene with a lamb in a field.  On our first visit to McMaster Hospital, the day we found out what was wrong with Josiah when he was in utero, Graham found a beautiful picture book of the 23rd Psalm - The Lord is My Shepherd.  I love the illustrations.  The scene on the headstone is from this book and the verse at the bottom is Psalm 23:6.  My nieces read the book and then we sang the 23rd Psalm and each person placed a rose on the gravesite.  We enjoyed a walk around the cemetery and then ate ice cream cake for dessert.

Actually, when Graham picked up the cake he chatted with a stranger whose husband died just two months ago and whose daughter died sometime before that.  Graham was able to give her information about The Coping Centre as it was very helpful to us.

Each day I've been reading last year's blog entries.  They are great reminders of the countless blessings we received for which we are so thankful.  God's timing throughout this journey has been perfect.  God gave us beautiful memories with Josiah.  We anticipate a glorious reunion. 

Psalm 116:15 says, "Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints."  The thought came to me this week - I wonder if there were angels around us and with Josiah as he passed away.  Our nurse dreamed that night that a stranger came and took away Josiah in his stroller and the nurse couldn't find him.  There was one short moment that Graham and I remember when something happened and Josiah looked so afraid.  I hope an angel was there to calm his fear and let him know that he was about to meet Jesus.  I'm so thankful he will never fear or be in pain ever again.

Josiah, your Mommy and Daddy and your two brothers love you and miss you.  Catch our kisses.

Thank you for your prayers.

Blessings,

Elizabeth


Psalm 116:15
Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.

End of June

I love splashing at bath time!

In many ways I don't want July to come.  As I daily read the blog entries from last year, I'm watching a play unfold and I know what's coming, though the actors are unaware.  A year ago today I found out I was pregnant and happily informed Josiah that he was going to be a big brother.  How is it possible that in a few days we will reach the first anniversary of Josiah's death?

Tonight we watched a show in which people knew death was coming and they were able to say goodbye.  I trust that God knew what was best for everyone but I do sometimes daydream about what it would have been like to know that Josiah was dying then.  How I would have held him and kissed him and told him how proud we were of him and how thankful we were for him and how much we loved him.  Or, would I have simply begged Jesus for more time?  I would have wanted the boys to be together.  Isaac would have given him kisses.

Yesterday I cried in church as I remembered Josiah's final Sunday last year.  On that day many people commented on how well he looked.  Both Graham and I were able to cry the Saturday evening after a show helped us trigger some emotion.  It may have been the first time we've cried together.

On Friday we went to approve the final draft of Josiah's headstone.  It will be put up this week and our local family will visit the cemetery on Sunday.  I could have cried more then but I had two boys to drive home.  On Saturday I was hoping for a miracle.  One of Josiah's favourite toys was a red helicopter that made sounds and had a British accent.  We received it at the hospital.  I think we last saw it shortly before his death.  It's been on my to-do list to go to the funeral home to make sure that it didn't get mixed up with the toys there as we took most of Josiah's toys for the visitations.  It was quite silly but I looked under every possible cushion and behind curtains, ever hopeful.

Isaac is regularly asking us why Josiah died.  Of course, there isn't an answer that will suffice for any of us.  

We went to the Brantford Zoo on Saturday and had a good time.   

Introducing the boys to the World Cup

Graham has introduced Isaac to soccer (football) via the Internet and the World Cup.  Isaac told us that he's going to play in the World Cup.  I guess he should join a team at some point.  It won't happen this year so hopefully it won't be too late to start him at four and half years of age, next year.  :)  By the way, Kohen only watched the game for a couple of minutes (in the photo to the left). 

Isaac is a sweet boy.  We were in the grocery store and they didn't have something I was wanting.  I said, "Mommy's a little sad."  He immediately wanted to give me a hug.

I try to be discreet when I'm nursing Kohen.  This week Isaac asked me if I had a hole in my tummy (in order to feed Kohen).  He also asked me when Kohen would be a big brother.  I told him that would mean that we'd need to have another baby and asked him if he thought we should.  He answered yes.  I told him we'd have to see what God wants.  Mommy and Daddy aren't ready to entertain that discussion. 

Reading to Kohen

Kohen is happier and it's easier to obtain a smile.  He laughs when I hang him upside down and swing him.  He likes playing peekaboo and having airplane rides.  Getting him to sleep is a little more challenging because he just rolls onto his tummy and then starts crying.  That also happens in the night and wakes him up (and therefore wakes me up).  I think he has the most energy out of all three boys at that age.  He wants to move.

I need to get to sleep.  Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,
Elizabeth

^{` Corinthians 15:54-55
54} When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”
⁵⁵ “O death, where is your victory?
    O death, where is your sting?”