Isaac appreciates beauty. On his walks to school with Graham he often brings up beauty in nature. A few weeks ago he told Graham, "I like the beauty of our footprints in the snow." Today he told me that Josiah likes the beauty of heaven. I'm sure he does.
I'll just get my Isaac stories out of the way. He told Graham one night, "Jesus is confusing. He's God and God's son."
On a walk to the park with Kohen and me, Isaac said, "When I was little and I didn't know where Heaven was I thought it was in the tops of the trees. I looked up but I didn't see Josiah."
As I read in the book, "Loving the Little Years" by Rachel Jankovic, I often talk to Isaac about the need to control his horse (his emotions, which are a gift from God that he needs to control or they will sometimes take him off the trail and down a cliff. When they do this, it is then Mommy and Daddy's job to bring the rider back onto the trail and control the horse until the rider is able to do so himself). I'm never sure how much Isaac takes in but one day I was apologizing to him for getting upset with him. He asked me, "Mommy, why did your horse go off the cliff?"
In late November we went to a memorial event in Toronto put on by SickKids. It was nice to see a few familiar faces. Actually there was another family there who had lost their baby Josiah. The mom spoke and shared her story at the event and she and her family gifted every family in attendance with a book called "Tear Soup: A recipe for healing after loss." I appreciated reading it. I asked one of the bereavement nurses about any signs that would indicate that we should get Isaac some help with his grieving. She said if he became obsessed with Josiah's death and wasn't able to think about anything else but she said that's very rare and he should be fine as long as he's allowed to talk about it whenever he wants. So, we have no worries about Isaac.
After the memorial we stayed at a hotel with a pool so we could swim with the boys and the next day we went to the church where the people whom I stayed with (when I was awaiting Josiah's birth) pastor. It was great to see them again. We ended our weekend by going to the Riverdale Farm.
One of the first things Isaac talked about on Christmas morning was Josiah. We were all in the same room at my brother's home near Ottawa so it was a lovely way to start the morning. He showed me an "acorn" that he had made and told me that Chester Raccoon kept an acorn to remember his friend the squirrel who had died (whose name I have forgotten). Actually, it was kind of funny that we ended up in a McDonalds for part of Christmas Eve as the church service we went to was too full and everything else was closed. McDonalds feels like a connection to Josiah because of Ronald McDonald House.
There is a new Ronald McDonald Family Room at SickKids where parents can go and grab a free drink or rest on a recliner in a low-lit room. I've seen photos of this beautiful space. I can't fully express what an incredible blessing that space must be to parents with children at SickKids. It would have been amazing if that had been there. I was so happy to hear that it was there.
In early December we went to the Coping Centre Christmas Memorial. Isaac actually brought it up much earlier and said we should go. It was nice to see people we knew and to put Josiah's ornament on the Christmas tree outside. They have a theme each year and this year they talked about mosaics. I love the idea of broken pieces turning into something beautiful. It has made me want to make mosaics. Hopefully I'll do that one day.
I bought skates today. We bought some for Isaac and Graham a couple of weeks ago so they have been out a few times. I'm hoping I can figure out how to remain on my feet. It's been a long time since I've attempted to skate.
We had a lovely Christmas. I was hoping to cry again at a Christmas service but of course I couldn't re-create last year. The service did seem like a gift from God though. The pastor spoke about how many people don't feel the joy of Christmas and then someone from the congregation shared how she's lost her mother this past year and yet God has helped her through this time. Obviously my thoughts went to Josiah and it was nice to be able to naturally direct my thoughts to him during the service.
I often think about Josiah when I'm nursing Kohen. I'll miss that when Kohen's finished nursing. I haven't looked back to check but Kohen may be roughly the same weight as Josiah.
I've realized that I have quite a bit of anger in me. I assume it's related to my grief. It's not that I sit around feeling anger but when there's anything to trigger my anger, I know it's in greater supply than it would normally be.
It was wonderful to see my cousin from Switzerland this week as well as my aunt and uncle. I also received a lovely call from a relative overseas who wanted to know how I was doing. Our family is certainly a blessing.
Apart from the anger, I'm actually singing more than usual around the house. I make up random songs all the time, usually when the boys are around. I was actually starting to annoy myself with all my singing.
I have fear. I wonder if I'll get to keep these two beautiful boys. I may be slightly depressed as I feel inept and incompetent in most ways that I can think of. I know God's grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Kohen is the people-person of the family. He rarely feeds when he wakes up the morning as he can hear Graham or Isaac and wants out of his room. I was trying to feed him in the parked car on our way home from Ottawa but he kept wanting to sit up and was waving to strangers. He's also a mover. Usually whenever he wakes up I hear him banging his legs in the crib before I hear him start to cry. It's seems like he can say something that sounds like bye-bye when he waves and "clap-clap" when he claps.
We all have a cold here. It feels like it's been a long week with lots of long nights. We've had sickness in our home once a month for various durations.
It's time to say good-night. I pray that this Faulkner family will know, love, serve, and obey Jesus more in 2015. Thank you for your prayers! Happy New Year!
Graham bought me Rend Collective's The Art of Celebration. Here's Finally Free:
Oh, to live in the freedom that Christ's blood has brought. One day. I'm ever thankful for grace and mercy.
May God "create ... something beautiful in me." (Rend Collective, Create in Me)
Blessings,
Elizabeth
Ephesians 3:19-21
And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.
