Good-bye 2014!

2014 is drawing to a close.  I don't mind saying good-bye to it; I am hopeful for good things in 2015.  Graham, Isaac, and I wrote down some things we're thankful for this past year.  The arrival of Kohen was on all of our lists.  Isaac also said he was thankful for "having such a nice world."

Isaac appreciates beauty.  On his walks to school with Graham he often brings up beauty in nature.  A few weeks ago he told Graham, "I like the beauty of our footprints in the snow."  Today he told me that Josiah likes the beauty of heaven.  I'm sure he does. 

I'll just get my Isaac stories out of the way.  He told Graham one night, "Jesus is confusing.  He's God and God's son."

On a walk to the park with Kohen and me, Isaac said, "When I was little and I didn't know where Heaven was I thought it was in the tops of the trees.  I looked up but I didn't see Josiah."  

As I read in the book, "Loving the Little Years" by Rachel Jankovic, I often talk to Isaac about the need to control his horse (his emotions, which are a gift from God that he needs to control or they will sometimes take him off the trail and down a cliff.  When they do this, it is then Mommy and Daddy's job to bring the rider back onto the trail and control the horse until the rider is able to do so himself).  I'm never sure how much Isaac takes in but one day I was apologizing to him for getting upset with him.  He asked me, "Mommy, why did your horse go off the cliff?" 

In late November we went to a memorial event in Toronto put on by SickKids.  It was nice to see a few familiar faces.  Actually there was another family there who had lost their baby Josiah.  The mom spoke and shared her story at the event and she and her family gifted every family in attendance with a book called "Tear Soup: A recipe for healing after loss."  I appreciated reading it.  I asked one of the bereavement nurses about any signs that would indicate that we should get Isaac some help with his grieving.  She said if he became obsessed with Josiah's death and wasn't able to think about anything else but she said that's very rare and he should be fine as long as he's allowed to talk about it whenever he wants.  So, we have no worries about Isaac.

After the memorial we stayed at a hotel with a pool so we could swim with the boys and the next day we went to the church where the people whom I stayed with (when I was awaiting Josiah's birth) pastor.  It was great to see them again.  We ended our weekend by going to the Riverdale Farm.

One of the first things Isaac talked about on Christmas morning was Josiah.  We were all in the same room at my brother's home near Ottawa so it was a lovely way to start the morning.  He showed me an "acorn" that he had made and told me that Chester Raccoon kept an acorn to remember his friend the squirrel who had died (whose name I have forgotten).  Actually, it was kind of funny that we ended up in a McDonalds for part of Christmas Eve as the church service we went to was too full and everything else was closed.  McDonalds feels like a connection to Josiah because of Ronald McDonald House.

There is a new Ronald McDonald Family Room at SickKids where parents can go and grab a free drink or rest on a recliner in a low-lit room.  I've seen photos of this beautiful space.  I can't fully express what an incredible blessing that space must be to parents with children at SickKids.  It would have been amazing if that had been there.  I was so happy to hear that it was there.

In early December we went to the Coping Centre Christmas Memorial.  Isaac actually brought it up much earlier and said we should go.  It was nice to see people we knew and to put Josiah's ornament on the Christmas tree outside.  They have a theme each year and this year they talked about mosaics.  I love the idea of broken pieces turning into something beautiful.  It has made me want to make mosaics.  Hopefully I'll do that one day. 

I bought skates today.  We bought some for Isaac and Graham a couple of weeks ago so they have been out a few times.  I'm hoping I can figure out how to remain on my feet.  It's been a long time since I've attempted to skate. 

We had a lovely Christmas.  I was hoping to cry again at a Christmas service but of course I couldn't re-create last year.  The service did seem like a gift from God though.  The pastor spoke about how many people don't feel the joy of Christmas and then someone from the congregation shared how she's lost her mother this past year and yet God has helped her through this time.  Obviously my thoughts went to Josiah and it was nice to be able to naturally direct my thoughts to him during the service.

I often think about Josiah when I'm nursing Kohen.  I'll miss that when Kohen's finished nursing.  I haven't looked back to check but Kohen may be roughly the same weight as Josiah. 

I've realized that I have quite a bit of anger in me.  I assume it's related to my grief.  It's not that I sit around feeling anger but when there's anything to trigger my anger, I know it's in greater supply than it would normally be.  

It was wonderful to see my cousin from Switzerland this week as well as my aunt and uncle.  I also received a lovely call from a relative overseas who wanted to know how I was doing.  Our family is certainly a blessing.  

Apart from the anger, I'm actually singing more than usual around the house.  I make up random songs all the time, usually when the boys are around.  I was actually starting to annoy myself with all my singing.  

I have fear.  I wonder if I'll get to keep these two beautiful boys.  I may be slightly depressed as I feel inept and incompetent in most ways that I can think of.  I know God's grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).    

Kohen is the people-person of the family.  He rarely feeds when he wakes up the morning as he can hear Graham or Isaac and wants out of his room.  I was trying to feed him in the parked car on our way home from Ottawa but he kept wanting to sit up and was waving to strangers.  He's also a mover.  Usually whenever he wakes up I hear him banging his legs in the crib before I hear him start to cry.  It's seems like he can say something that sounds like bye-bye when he waves and "clap-clap" when he claps. 

We all have a cold here.  It feels like it's been a long week with lots of long nights.  We've had sickness in our home once a month for various durations.

It's time to say good-night.  I pray that this Faulkner family will know, love, serve, and obey Jesus more in 2015.  Thank you for your prayers!  Happy New Year!

Graham bought me Rend Collective's The Art of Celebration.  Here's Finally Free:

Oh, to live in the freedom that Christ's blood has brought.  One day.  I'm ever thankful for grace and mercy.

May God "create ... something beautiful in me." (Rend Collective, Create in Me)

Blessings,
Elizabeth


Ephesians 3:19-21

And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.

November Notes

Isaac has been talking about Josiah a lot lately.  He wants to see him again.  He wants to tell him funny stories and songs.  He's woken up crying.  We've looked at some photos and videos of the boys together.  A couple of times he has brought Josiah's photo to the kitchen table to be there during our meal.

I recently read an article about grieving children.  It explained that children continue to process the death as they age.  They often ask the same question over and over.  They grieve in short bursts but it continues for many years.

Last week I asked Isaac if he wanted to know what happened when Josiah died.  I told him about the moments from when we woke up to Josiah crying to when Isaac came to see him at the hospital after he passed away.  I also told him about the dream that Josiah's nurse had before he woke up on the morning of Josiah's death and explained how it was a gift of God to remind us that God is in control.  At the end of the dream, a stranger takes Josiah away in his stroller and Michael, our nurse, can't find Josiah.  Isaac became upset about the stranger but I told him that in the dream he represented an angel coming to take Josiah to Heaven and that I thought he whispered something like, "Josiah, you're about to see Jesus." and so Josiah was happy to go with him and didn't cry at all in the dream.  We were both a little teary eyed so Isaac wanted a cuddle after we chatted.  I told him he could ask about the story whenever he wanted.  He asked for it two other times later that day.    

Isaac enjoys playing with Kohen.  Kohen is eight and a half months old and is thoroughly enjoying being able to crawl and pull himself up to stand and take steps while holding onto things.  He is most attracted to the bathroom, cords and outlets, unstable chairs and sharp edges on tables.  He is keeping us on our toes.  He is not a good night-sleeper yet (he wakes up to eat more than once) but he naps well and goes down well.  He's a lovely baby with beautiful smiles.  He is similar to Isaac in that he is an observer but he certainly doesn't want to sit still. He is our first baby with eyes that have changed colour from blue to grey.  He is a sweetheart -- even when sick.  I love his facial expressions.

Graham is home on a parental leave.  It's been perfect timing as Kohen has been sick with a cold and ear infection.  Graham has been walking Isaac to school in

the mornings which has allowed me to nurse Kohen and put him down for his nap.  Isaac has been enjoying all the snow.

Graham might be missing work a little.  He asked me how I managed to get dinner on the table each night.  The boys can be tiring!  I actually went to my Bible Study this morning without a baby or a stroller or diaper bag and toys.  It felt lovely!  What an incredible blessing this is.  We can now both volunteer in Isaac's classroom.  Graham is going in tomorrow morning.  We're alternating which one of us goes in each week for about an hour.  Isaac likes having us there and it's nice to get to know his classmates.

We've been enjoying Isaac's little stories and random lines:

"I have 10 children.  They have to line up to brush their teeth."

***

Isaac told us a story while we were eating dinner.  He told us that he lived next door to our home with his wife.  Their home was one mile away.
Isaac: "In the spring and summer I come and visit every day.
Mommy: Why not in the fall and winter?
Isaac: It would be cold and frosty."
Mommy: Well, what's another way we could communicate?
Isaac: (Thinking ...) You could visit me.
Mommy: Maybe Daddy could drive me.
Isaac: You can walk, we just live next door.
Mommy: But it's one mile away and very cold.
Isaac: It will be fine.

Isaac continues his story and tells us that he is Farmer Joe (who also happens to be a police officer and a fire fighter).

Isaac: My brother's name is Isaac and I have one sister.
Mommy: What's your sister's name?
Isaac: I don't remember.
Mommy: Do you love her?
Isaac: Yes.
Mommy: You need to remember the names of the people you love.
Isaac: I did twenty things today so that's why I forgot.

***

Isaac made this girl from his trainset

Mommy: Guess what we're having for dinner.
Isaac: What?
Mommy: Chicken.
Isaac: Yeay!  That's my favourite type of fish!


***

A few days prior to this next conversation, Graham had told Isaac about ROYGBIV (the sequence of colours in a rainbow: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet).  On this evening a few days later, while Isaac was getting ready for bed he told Graham, "I call it ROYGBIP.  I say purple, not violet."  

***

"I'm going to wear this shirt that you like but I don't like yet."

***

"I'm proud Daddy's my daddy."

***

"My favourite liquid is syrup.  What's a liquid?"

***

"It's not the same without Josiah."

***

Sadly, my iPod died.  I assume the battery died.  It reset itself so everything on it was lost.  It gave me ample warning but I thought I had more time.  I would have copied down the many alarms that I had listed and used when Josiah was alive.  I also had notes that I'd taken at the hospital that I would have liked to keep.  My use of the iPod was very connected with Josiah.  At the hospital I could read on it while pumping milk.  At home I used the flashlight app all the time when I went in to check Josiah at night and give him drugs or his feed.  Oh well.

Isaac enjoyed going to the polling station in October in order to watch us vote.  He went with me and then later he showed Graham where to go.  He liked helping Graham rake up the leaves in our yard.  We've been trying to pick up some new fruits and vegetables when we see them at the store.  We've liked persimmons and dragonfruit.  It's fun to research with Isaac to find out how to eat them (thanks to YouTube).  We also recently discovered a great and fun way to get the pomegranate seeds out of the peel by banging on it with a wooden spoon - very efficient. 

I stumbled across the band, "Rend Collective" somehow a few weeks ago while on the Internet.  Graham informed me that we sing one of their songs at church.  You can imagine my excitement when I discovered that they are from Northern Ireland!  I really like a lot of the songs but here is Joy:

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,
Elizabeth


Micah 6:8 (our 'H' memory verse)

He has showed you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?

He Has Overcome

As a result of a tragic accident, my aunt has passed away.  I last saw her in 2011 when we visited Northern Ireland.  She loved Jesus, knew joy, had such a wonderful infectious laugh, told great stories, had compassion, and was very generous.  She was a beautiful woman and a loving wife and mother.  I wish I had known her better.  One day I will.

She is in the presence of her loving Saviour.  Tragedies don't make sense.  They are not supposed to make sense.

I hesitate to embed the song below as it sounds joyous.  As my family meets tomorrow it will not be a joyful occasion but one of grief.  As N.T. Wright said in regard to those who experience a loved one's death: "Death is a monster; death is horrible."

However, we praise God for Jesus, for redemption, for good out of bad, for the coming resurrection, for the hope that lights our hearts and the peace that only God can give.  We do not forget that Jesus has overcome this world.  We stand in defiance of our enemy.  Our God reigns and will forever do so.      

Dear Auntie Heather, I expected I would see you again on this side of glory.  I am sad to know that won't be the case.  I am sad for your family.  We miss you and love you.  I am so thankful to know that we will all celebrate together one day.  This song is for you with love from Elizabeth (More Than Conquerors by Rend Collective):

John 16:33

³³ “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

450 days

Isaac told me tonight that when he was little he looked out our front window up at the sky to see if he could see Josiah.  He couldn't.  A couple of weeks ago Isaac said, "I think Josiah's happier in Heaven than he was here."  I do too.  Isaac told me last week that he wanted to go to Heaven and asked if we could go.  He wants to know why God hasn't called us home yet.

Josiah lived for 450 days after his birth.  We thank God for that time with him.  As of today, I have lived without him for 450 days. 

We visited Ronald McDonald House Toronto on Saturday and ate our lunch at SickKids.  Isaac has asked for a while to go back to RMHT to play in the playroom so I called them up and they were happy to accomodate.  Isaac's also spoken about going to the Toronto farm that we visited while we stayed there so we were planning to do that as well but Isaac just wanted to play at RMHT.  He played for a long time in the small play room and then outside on the playground that looks like a fire truck.  It was a beautiful day and happily it included some Thai food for supper.  You can't go wrong with panang curry. 
  

Isaac is Mr. Observant.  We were at an event in August at which most of the other women and girls were more dressed up than I was.  I was helping him in the washroom and he asked me, "Where's your dress?"  He has also recently realized that we have the smallest home of those he has visited.  I was putting him to bed one night and he asked why our house isn't bigger.  I was explaining to him how God provided our home and how we are so thankful for it and how I am able to stay home, etc.  He told me he wants a huge house.  He would have more fun in a bigger house.  He would play more.  I said that perhaps he would have a bigger house when he's my age. 

I love walking Isaac to and from school.  Thankfully the weather has been amazing.  I was crunching leaves underfoot this morning.  I love that sound!  Each morning Isaac tells me that he doesn't want to go to school and then when I pick him up at lunch time he tells me that he had a wonderful morning.  I've been able to volunteer with the class once and also do a couple of odd jobs for the teacher at my home.  I like being part of this school community.  I've been able to meet a few other moms as we wait for the kids to go inside.  I've been encouraging Isaac to be a "Friendly Faulkner" to his classmates. 

Graham and I both started attending Bible studies a few weeks ago.  I googled "Women's Bible Study Kitchener" and found one not too far from where we live.  It's been nice to meet some people there and I'm thrilled to be part of a study again.  I'm also thankful that mine starts at 9:30 (Graham's study is at 6:30!)

I found Kohen's first tooth last week!  It hasn't seemed to bother him very much.  He's officially sitting up now.  I like being able to leave him sitting with his toys.

Isaac has recently started drawing a lot more.  It's such fun watching him grow and develop.  I hope he always makes us stories.  He told us the other day that he took Kohen with him to collect frogs in the tropical rainforest.  Kohen was stung by a beetle that went into his heart and made it cold.  The beetle didn't sting Isaac because it doesn't sting doctors (Isaac was a doctor).  Isaac used his saw to get the beetle out of Kohen's heart.

Isaac told me that he and Bearamiah (one of his bears) went to see Pharoah in Egypt to make him happy.  "Bearamiah sang The Lord is My Shepherd.  I sang with him because I know the words so if he forgot some, I could help him."

The last few weekends we've actually been somewhat energetic.  We've flown a kite for the first time with Isaac (at the cemetery) and gone for walks with Isaac on his bike.  I'm happy to say that we've had homemade pizza two Fridays in a row and they tasted much better the second week.  Isaac likes looking in the bread maker and putting on the toppings.

It was so wonderful to have a cousin visiting from Northern Ireland.  Oh how I wish we lived closer to so many people. 

Every so often Kohen will cry a lot and it will be hard to get him to stop.  That takes me back to when we couldn't get Josiah to stop crying.  For a split second I think maybe something's wrong with Kohen that wasn't found in the echo.  Perhaps his oxygen saturation level is lower than it should be.  I don't want to lose another child.  I'm not sure if I'll be brave enough (strong enough) to do real sleep training with Kohen as that would involve a lot of crying (at least it did with Isaac).  He goes down fairly well so maybe we'll get away without it.

Thank you for your prayers.

Blessings,
Elizabeth

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

First day of school!

Isaac's first day of school!

Isaac has started school!  Last Tuesday, Graham, Isaac and I went to meet Isaac's teacher for an interview and then Isaac started school on Wednesday morning.  I had a letter waiting at his seat at the kitchen table before school started as my mom always wrote us a letter on the first day of school.  He liked his letter and then immediately told me that when Chippy and Skippy got their letters they had French words.  I think I said in the last post that Isaac likes to make up words.  I forgot to mention that he often tells me that the words are French or Thai words.   

We were told to take a family photo to school to be displayed.  We let Isaac choose which photo he wanted.  He chose one which included Josiah's headstone. 

I told Isaac that there would be a nice surprise waiting for him when we returned home from school at lunch time.  He walked into his room to find a new Thomas the Tank bedspread, sheets and curtains.  He's not a big fan of surprises or change so I was taking a little risk but I was pretty sure he'd love it and he does.  His favourite part of school was "lunch".

Waiting for the bell!

I'm looking forward to seeing how he does with a whole week of school.  I'm so glad we're not sending him all day which would be 9:10 - 3:30.  I pick him up around 12:00 PM after he eats his lunch.  He told me that he's making friends who aren't in his Sunday School class.  I'm excited for him and this new adventure.  I'd love to be a fly on the wall.

The other day Isaac went somewhere with Graham so he kissed me good-bye and then said, "Mommy, will you take care of Kohen for me?"  I assured him that I would.  Isaac is quite affectionate with Kohen and a great helper.         

Isaac told me this past week that there's a "fan in Heaven."  I pointed to the standing fan in our living room and asked him if he meant that.  He told me that it's a pretend fan and then said, "The fan in Heaven blows out God's love."  Apparently Isaac has a "picture making machine."  He explained that he thinks something and the picture goes to his head.  He also said that if he doesn't know a word when he's reading, he puts the light on in his head and then he can see it and read it.  He certainly knows how to entertain his Mommy and Daddy.

I've been staying up too late.  The other night I got out of bed to go and watch videos of Josiah, including the video of his first (and only) birthday.  It's kind of bizarre watching the videos because he seems so much worse than we thought he was.  So, I want more videos and yet I don't.

Death is so final in this life.  The other day I looked into the backseat through my rearview mirror.  Kohen's mirror only showed his feet and stomach so I couldn't see his face.  It could have so easily been Josiah sitting there; he wore the same outfit many moons ago.  I want to relive those memories but it doesn't work that way.  I used to think that memories and photos were a way to sort of access the past but I'm only ever in the present, trying to reach back, with my access denied.  He's not here in the present.  I guess some people dream about their loved ones.  I think that would be lovely but that's never happened for me.  I haven't had any tears in ages.  Crying is the only time that I feel a sense of closeness to Josiah.  That's why I want to cry.  I can only feel close to him during the painful tears - otherwise there's no feeling or barely any feeling.  

I enjoyed reading "A Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Vanauken.  He tells of the death of his wife Davy.  I'm reading a little of the sequel, "Under the Mercy."  He talks about what he calls:

 "the Second Death, the moment when the grief comes to an end, as it must, and the tears are dried and the beloved (though no less dear) becomes remote.  ... What follows the Second Death is not a sudden renewal of joy and laughter but a terrible emptiness, a hollow at the centre of one's being: one is, as C.S. Lewis wrote to me, "bereaved of the bereavement itself."  There is no more sense of the beloved's presence, yet no more tears for the new loss. ... But what the typical day did not disclose and what those round me did not discern beneath my cheerful demeanour was what I've called the hollow at the centre--the Davy-shaped hollow.  This should not be taken to mean grief--the traditional 'broken heart'.  The tears were gone.  And she was gone, not to return in this life.  It was, I imagine, a bit like the loss of an arm; the loss is accepted, new ways of coping are invented, life goes on, but there is an empty sleeve.  So in me the emptiness, the hollow, where once Davy had been ... a hollow that only she could fit."

Graham took the day off last Friday and we went to Centre Island and then stayed in a hotel north of Toronto.  The four of us went swimming together in the pool.  It felt so great to be in the pool and it was Kohen's first time. 

Isaac surprised us by going on a pony at Centreville and he was very happy in the cold splashpad.  He was actually doing a little dance and yelling, "I'M SO HAPPY!" and "I'M HAVING FUN!"

I realized on that trip that my mind likes to always come up with ways that things could be better (for example, if we'd packed a picnic and left earlier).  I let those thoughts come into my head but then I tried to just be thankful for what was happening (thankfully we can afford to buy lunch, etc).  That's something I need to practice. 

Graham was watching Isaac at a McDonald's playland.  Graham thought it was pretty cute that Isaac was pretending to be Jesus.  Isaac told Graham that the other children were his disciples.  Thankfully he didn't tell the children that they were his disciples! 

Kohen had his six-month shots last week.  Thankfully he has chunky thighs because he didn't even notice the needle!  He's now had rice cereal, carrots, sweet potato, and banana.  Tomorrow he'll have squash.  It's been fun using the blender to make his food.  He's not a fan of bibs.  He's getting better at waving.

Apparently it's Grandparent's Day today!  Our family plus two of our lovely nieces and the four grandparents all went on the train from Waterloo to St. Jacobs yesterday.  It was fun to be together.  

I like JJ Heller's song Redemption:

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,
Elizabeth

Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Isaac moments and remembering

We've had a good few weeks.  Graham had a week off from work so we enjoyed some time with family near Ottawa and we spent a night in Cobourg on the way home to give Isaac some time at the beach.  It was always exciting to go to a hotel when I was little.  In addition to a pool and a complimentary breakfast, one of the most exciting parts when I was a child was the cable television.  We might see Little House on the Prairie or the Waltons on TV.  We don't have a television at our home but Isaac has seen DVDs.  I thought it would be fun for him to watch some TV at the hotel so we asked him in the morning if he'd like to watch cartoons.  He answered, "What are cartoons?"

***

One morning when we were at the breakfast table, we were comparing our feet for some reason:
Mommy: "Kohen, one day your feet will be bigger than Mommy's and so will your brother's."
Isaac: "Because I'm going to be a daddy."
Mommy: "We pray that you'll be a daddy but what do you need before you can be a daddy?  A wonderful, godly ..."
Isaac: "Wife."
Mommy: "Yes, we'll pray for that."
Isaac: "Just like you."

***

While driving on the way to the park I hear the following from Isaac in the backseat:
"I know why it's called a dandelion.  It's dandy and the petals are its mane."

***

I asked Isaac what he liked best about going on the bus with daddy to his work.  He answered, "All the time I spent with Daddy."

***

Isaac was getting in trouble for banging on his bedroom wall with his feet so he was told he couldn't put his feet on the wall.  He put his feet under the sheet and then proceeded to touch the wall with the sheet.

***

Isaac often makes up words and definitions.  For example, "manbon - a cottage that can drive on the road."  I wish I'd written down all his words.  I could make him his own dictionary. 

***

Isaac was swinging at the park with Graham and he said, "I love the world."

***

Graham and Isaac were reading a book in which there was a body of water.  Graham said, "Isaac, maybe that's a pool or a lake."  Isaac replied, "Daddy, I think it's a lake because it has fish."  :)

***

Isaac enjoyed attending Vacation Bible School this week for the first time.  I'm hoping that this was good preparation for leaving him at school in a couple of weeks.

Kohen is now over five months old.  I recently introduced him to the exersaucer and we're both happy he has a new place to go.  He loves attention and has been giving away lots of smiles to strangers.  He loves being upside down or up in the air riding on my legs.  On Thursday he started pulling himself forward with his arms for the first time.  He will be very happy to have more mobility. 

Kohen has also started eating a little rice cereal.  He's doing quite well at the eating, though I'm trying to figure out if he's reacting a little to the cereal for some reason.  By "quite well," I mean that he gets food all over his face but some goes into his mouth and he hasn't gagged at all.  I don't imagine rice cereal will be his favourite food but it's all the doctor said to give him until he's six months old.

For our anniversary last year Graham and I made mugs at a pottery place.  I put "E & G" on the bottom of my mug but after Josiah passed away I'd always wished that I'd added "I & J".  I also put a heart on the inside bottom of my mug.  I was looking at the mug this week and saw a perfect "J" made by half of the heart (upside down).  The straight part on the other half of the heart will be the "I".  That was a nice gift.
  
They say in the grief workshops that going over the "what ifs" is an important part of grieving.  It's just over two years since Josiah's first open-heart surgery.  I was reading the August 2012 posts and remembering.  This resulted in a lot of "If only ..." and "What would have happened if ...?"  and "We should have ..."

It is great to be able to read the blog posts.  I see the importance of memorials like the one the Israelites built after they crossed the Jordan.  Perhaps it is easier to trust in God's power, control, and sovereignty when one is going through the tough times.  At these times it is clear that God is our help and our strength and our only hope.  It may be harder later - when the desired ending doesn't arrive and time goes by - to remember all that God did.  When I read the old blog posts I can see many opportunities when I would have liked God to step in and change something, but I can also see how He was always there with us and helped us in countless ways.  May the blog posts be a memorial of God's goodness to our family.  God blessed us with Josiah.  I will always wish he wasn't a distant memory - until we meet again.

Isaac, Kohen and I went to Isaac's school today to have a picnic at lunch.  Tonight at dinner Isaac asked if we could go back to his school.  I'm happy that he's getting used to the idea (sort of).  I'm going to miss that dear boy.   

Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,
Elizabeth

1 John 5:12
He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.

Cookies, candies, and kiss boxes

I look for Josiah at the grocery store ... in the ice cream aisle, the candy section, amongst the baked goods and chocolate, even chips.  They've never been more tempting as I search for that which I am missing.  The Magnum bars did not satisfy, they did not fulfill their promise.  Maybe licorice will help ... or making the world's best chocolate chip cookies (I'll let you know if sea salt has been the missing ingredient).  This is not what I should do with my grief but it is the easiest thing to do.

I had wanted to make Graham a photo mug for Father's Day but when I sat down to pick the photos I didn't know whether to include Josiah or not.  I asked Graham after the event what photos he'd like on a mug but he didn't know either - so no mug. 

We had some new carpet put in our bedrooms so everything had to be moved to our living room.  Isaac decided that he wanted to be back in his old yellow room so Kohen is now in the green room (Josiah's old room).  The room is set up differently but I often think of Josiah as I nurse and rock Kohen in the comfy brown chair.  

We've enjoyed spending some time with Graham's brother from B.C.  He heads home tomorrow.

Kohen is four and a half months old.  At this stage I'd say he's our happiest, noisiest, most energetic baby of the three (of course, Josiah was intubated at this stage and had a few other issues!)  Kohen's in the 97th percentile for height and the 75th for weight so he's tall for his age. 

I realized recently that I won't always have the physical reminders of Josiah.  I like having the reminders.  One day the crib will no longer be needed and the baby toys won't be strewn around the house.  The baby swing will be gone, as will the car seat and highchair.  Thankfully that won't happen for a while.  We'll all grow older but the photo of Josiah will always stay the same.   

My cousin and her family from Northern Ireland sent the boys some football (soccer) jerseys.  Isaac loves wearing his.

Gary the goat is a new favourite character in Graham's bedtime stories.  Graham decided to test Isaac the other night.  In his story a bird went to get an avocado for Isaac and Gary but the bird fell down and was hurt.  Graham asked Isaac if he would eat the avocado or go and help the bird.  Isaac decided he would eat the avocado really quickly and then help the bird.

Isaac now has an awesome pushbike from his cousin in B.C.  I'd never heard of them before but Isaac loves his.  He even skipped dessert the first night he had it so that he could have more time on the bike.  

Isaac has been listening.  We were walking in the cemetery this afternoon and Isaac said to Graham, "Daddy, did you know that God makes good out of bad?"

At the SickKids memorial event a couple of months ago, Isaac made a memory box that he called a Kiss Box (we'd recently read a library book about a kiss box).  This week we made kisses for the kiss box.  The kisses are cut out hearts.  Each person in the family has a different colour of paper for the hearts.  We can each go to the box for a kiss (for example if Mommy isn't around for a real kiss) and Josiah is always able to get a kiss.   Here's Isaac cutting out kisses.  

  

Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,
Elizabeth

Hebrew 11:6
And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

In the House of the Lord

It feels like both a day and an age since he was in my arms.  Last year Josiah woke us for the last time at 5:42 on the Saturday morning - this time it was Isaac who was crying then.  I replayed what happened in my head until 8:30 AM when they stopped CPR.  I reread the blog entries, remembering.  I sang the "We miss you Josiah" song with Isaac as I made waffles for breakfast.  Isaac asked me again why Josiah had to die.  We blew Josiah kisses.  

My parents just returned from a month in Northern Ireland and England.  It was great to welcome them back.  Isaac gave Grandma lots of kisses.  I remember when I was a child how wonderful it felt to return home after a vacation.  That feeling of home is hard to articulate.  I suspect upon reaching Heaven, one experiences the ultimate feeling of being at home and being where one belongs and really, being in that place where one has always longed for.  I'm glad Josiah can experience that. 

I wrote the above last night but I just kept falling asleep and couldn't finish the post.  Even though today is the 6th, it felt like the anniversary of Josiah's death was yesterday as it all happened on a Saturday.  I ended the day by watching the 8 minute presentation of photo clips that we showed at the funeral.

Upon arriving at church this morning, our pastor's wife gave me a hug and whispered, "We'll never forget."  Thank you.  Thank you to everyone who hasn't forgotten.  Please don't forget my baby with the beautiful blue eyes, incredible smile, and soft curly hair: Josiah Nathanael Gabriel Faulkner.

Isaac asked me again tonight why Josiah died.  We usually ask Isaac why he thinks Josiah died and he talks about his sick heart.  He'll also ask me why we prayed for Josiah.  We say that we know God could have healed him but we don't know why he didn't.  Tonight I told Isaac that God wanted to do amazing things through Josiah's death - things we haven't seen yet.    

Today all our local family ate lunch together and then went to the cemetery.  The headstone was installed on Thursday so today was the unveiling.  On the stone there's a scene with a lamb in a field.  On our first visit to McMaster Hospital, the day we found out what was wrong with Josiah when he was in utero, Graham found a beautiful picture book of the 23rd Psalm - The Lord is My Shepherd.  I love the illustrations.  The scene on the headstone is from this book and the verse at the bottom is Psalm 23:6.  My nieces read the book and then we sang the 23rd Psalm and each person placed a rose on the gravesite.  We enjoyed a walk around the cemetery and then ate ice cream cake for dessert.

Actually, when Graham picked up the cake he chatted with a stranger whose husband died just two months ago and whose daughter died sometime before that.  Graham was able to give her information about The Coping Centre as it was very helpful to us.

Each day I've been reading last year's blog entries.  They are great reminders of the countless blessings we received for which we are so thankful.  God's timing throughout this journey has been perfect.  God gave us beautiful memories with Josiah.  We anticipate a glorious reunion. 

Psalm 116:15 says, "Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints."  The thought came to me this week - I wonder if there were angels around us and with Josiah as he passed away.  Our nurse dreamed that night that a stranger came and took away Josiah in his stroller and the nurse couldn't find him.  There was one short moment that Graham and I remember when something happened and Josiah looked so afraid.  I hope an angel was there to calm his fear and let him know that he was about to meet Jesus.  I'm so thankful he will never fear or be in pain ever again.

Josiah, your Mommy and Daddy and your two brothers love you and miss you.  Catch our kisses.

Thank you for your prayers.

Blessings,

Elizabeth


Psalm 116:15
Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.

End of June

I love splashing at bath time!

In many ways I don't want July to come.  As I daily read the blog entries from last year, I'm watching a play unfold and I know what's coming, though the actors are unaware.  A year ago today I found out I was pregnant and happily informed Josiah that he was going to be a big brother.  How is it possible that in a few days we will reach the first anniversary of Josiah's death?

Tonight we watched a show in which people knew death was coming and they were able to say goodbye.  I trust that God knew what was best for everyone but I do sometimes daydream about what it would have been like to know that Josiah was dying then.  How I would have held him and kissed him and told him how proud we were of him and how thankful we were for him and how much we loved him.  Or, would I have simply begged Jesus for more time?  I would have wanted the boys to be together.  Isaac would have given him kisses.

Yesterday I cried in church as I remembered Josiah's final Sunday last year.  On that day many people commented on how well he looked.  Both Graham and I were able to cry the Saturday evening after a show helped us trigger some emotion.  It may have been the first time we've cried together.

On Friday we went to approve the final draft of Josiah's headstone.  It will be put up this week and our local family will visit the cemetery on Sunday.  I could have cried more then but I had two boys to drive home.  On Saturday I was hoping for a miracle.  One of Josiah's favourite toys was a red helicopter that made sounds and had a British accent.  We received it at the hospital.  I think we last saw it shortly before his death.  It's been on my to-do list to go to the funeral home to make sure that it didn't get mixed up with the toys there as we took most of Josiah's toys for the visitations.  It was quite silly but I looked under every possible cushion and behind curtains, ever hopeful.

Isaac is regularly asking us why Josiah died.  Of course, there isn't an answer that will suffice for any of us.  

We went to the Brantford Zoo on Saturday and had a good time.   

Introducing the boys to the World Cup

Graham has introduced Isaac to soccer (football) via the Internet and the World Cup.  Isaac told us that he's going to play in the World Cup.  I guess he should join a team at some point.  It won't happen this year so hopefully it won't be too late to start him at four and half years of age, next year.  :)  By the way, Kohen only watched the game for a couple of minutes (in the photo to the left). 

Isaac is a sweet boy.  We were in the grocery store and they didn't have something I was wanting.  I said, "Mommy's a little sad."  He immediately wanted to give me a hug.

I try to be discreet when I'm nursing Kohen.  This week Isaac asked me if I had a hole in my tummy (in order to feed Kohen).  He also asked me when Kohen would be a big brother.  I told him that would mean that we'd need to have another baby and asked him if he thought we should.  He answered yes.  I told him we'd have to see what God wants.  Mommy and Daddy aren't ready to entertain that discussion. 

Reading to Kohen

Kohen is happier and it's easier to obtain a smile.  He laughs when I hang him upside down and swing him.  He likes playing peekaboo and having airplane rides.  Getting him to sleep is a little more challenging because he just rolls onto his tummy and then starts crying.  That also happens in the night and wakes him up (and therefore wakes me up).  I think he has the most energy out of all three boys at that age.  He wants to move.

I need to get to sleep.  Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,
Elizabeth

^{` Corinthians 15:54-55
54} When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”
⁵⁵ “O death, where is your victory?
    O death, where is your sting?”

Smiles

I am tired.  I am waiting on our laundry so I'm going to try to write a post quickly.

Graham and I celebrated ten years of marriage on Thursday.  We celebrated by moving to my parent's home!  They are away.  We are having some new carpet put in our bedrooms so the contents of our three bedrooms are in our living room.  Graham and his dad screwed down our subfloor today so hopefully our floors won't be nearly as squeaky as they have been.

On Wednesday one of my cousins was married in Northern Ireland.  We wish we could have been there.  We are thrilled for them.  

Isaac turned three and a half this week.  Here are some recent Isaac moments:

Isaac:  Where was Baby Kohen born?
Graham: At Grandriver Hospital.  You were born there too and we were so excited when you came out.  We said, "Oh, here's our baby boy Isaac."
Isaac: No.  You didn't know my name.  You and mommy looked on the computer lists while you were waiting.
Graham: Did Mommy tell you that story?
Isaac: It's not a story.

***

Isaac: Mommy, when I'm a Daddy and my wife is doing dishes, I'll cut my children's nails.  If I'm in bed, my wife will cut their nails.
(For the record, Graham usually does the supper dishes - but I guess that's while Isaac is sleeping.)

***

Graham and Isaac were singing our goodnight song together when Isaac stopped the song and said, "Daddy, when we sing together, it sounds like Mommy singing.  It's sort of like painting - mix them together and we get Mommy's voice."

***

Isaac checked my eyes with one of his doctor toys.  He said, "I found the problem.  There's a bug scratching your eye.  I have a machine that will scare the bug away."

***

Isaac is sweet and also strong-willed.  We've been finding discipline a challenge of late.  I just read one of the Love and Logic parenting books and I've been putting some of the ideas into practice.  I think I'm seeing small improvements.  I'm hopeful.  This process has reminded me of the great responsibility of parenting and the difference our parenting makes.

Kohen is over three months old now.  He started rolling from his back to his tummy on Thursday and he seems to enjoy practicing this new trick.  He's giving out more smiles and if I work hard at kissing his face and neck, he'll give me some laughs.  

Some signs of Josiah:

The Rubbermaid reusable cup in the cupboard over the stove.  We bought this for him to use but he never reached that stage.

The many tread marks on the baseboards in the hallway and on the doors from turning the stroller around in the house.  Often a stroller ride would calm him down so this was the answer on cold or rainy days.

The holes in the bottom of the stroller where the heavy oxygen tanks sat during his stroller rides.

The unopened needle I found behind our dresser that were for his enox shots.

The alarms set on my iPod (not set to go off).

His toys, blankets, clothes, etc.

It was exciting to watch our neighbour and friend get baptized last Sunday.  It also made me think that I'll never watch Josiah get baptized.  The foundation for his gravestone has been poured. The comment of my cousin's wife was so perfect: "He's so horribly far away."  I look at his photos and just see photos - two dimensions - the absence is stark.  I like this quotation from "A Severe Mercy":

"The death of any familiar person leaves an emptiness.  If the person is deeply loved and deeply familiar the void seems greater than all the world remaining.  Under the surface of the visible world, there is an echoing hollowness, an aching void - and it cuts one off from the beloved.  She is as remote as the stars.  But grief is a form of love - the longing for the dear face, the warm hand.  It is the remembered reality of the beloved that calls it forth.  For an instant she is there, and the void denied.  It is not the grief, involving that momentary reality, that cuts one off from the beloved but the void that is loss.  In the end one can no longer summon forth that reality, and then one's tears dry up.  But while it lasts, it is a shield against the void."

I need to get some sleep so I'll say goodnight.  Thank you for your prayers.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

1 Peter 1:24-25

²⁴ for

“All flesh is like grass
    and all its glory like the flower of grass.
The grass withers,
    and the flower falls,
²⁵ but the word of the Lord remains forever.”

And this word is the good news that was preached to you.

Kohen's Dedication

Happy Victoria Day!  It's been a lovely day and a great weekend.  My brother's family who lives near Ottawa all made the trek to Kitchener on Friday evening.  The whole family celebrated my mom's birthday on Saturday and yesterday we celebrated Kohen's dedication to the Lord.  It was wonderful to spend time with family and friends.

Graham has written out a blessing for each of our boys to bless them on their dedication day.  We spoke these blessings over Kohen in the afternoon.  In the church where I grew up, the parents were always asked a set of questions pertaining to how they will raise their child (for example, "Do you commit yourselves to teach and influence your child for Christ both by word and example?") so my dad also asks us these questions during our home ceremony.  The questions were a good challenge and a reminder of the importance of our commitment.  I tell Isaac that the most important thing to us is that he knows, loves, and serves Jesus.    

My birthday was this past week.  I asked God for the gift of tears.  I did get a few.  I worked on designing Josiah's headstone in the afternoon and I wanted to go to the cemetery in the evening.  I did let Graham buy me a drink from Starbucks on the way home.  I watched most of the funeral again in the evening, although even that didn't elicit tears.  I think my favourite part is getting the funeral director to open up the casket during the service for Isaac's benefit. 

Graham liked Isaac's description of his tall dresser.  He said it's a "bunk bed for clothes."  If Isaac disobeys while getting ready for bed, the consequence is often losing one of his stories about Chippy and Skippy that Graham makes up.  One evening this past week Graham told Isaac that he'd lost a story and it was a really good one about Chippy and Skippy in a submarine.  Graham told me that Isaac then used great logic to convince him that it was actually a less interesting boat story that he had lost and not in fact the exciting submarine story.

Isaac was playing with a truck this week in which he placed a toy backpack in the windshield.  He told me it wasn't a backpack so I asked him what it was.  He thought to himself and then told me it was a JPS.  I asked if he meant a GPS and he agreed. 

Isaac was given a helium balloon this week while visiting his grandparents.  It blew out the back of their parked car and Isaac was just beside himself and couldn't stop crying.  My sweet boy told my mom that Josiah must have wanted the balloon (in heaven).  He wanted a hug when he returned home and he told me the story with new tears in his eyes.  My parents bought him a new balloon that says, "You're so special."

We received some great advice in a card written by friends.  They wrote, "We pray you would see yourselves the way God sees you - so completely precious, loved and the joy of his heart!  Parent with this confidence because its impact will sink deep into your children's lives ...."  We are blessed with great friends.

Thank you for your prayers.

Blessings,
Elizabeth

Exodus 14:13
And Moses said to the people, "Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD, which he will work for you today.  For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again.  The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."

In Toronto

We travelled to Toronto today for an event hosted by the Paediatric Advanced Care Team from SickKids.  We met with other bereaved families who had children cared for at SickKids who died in 2012 or 2013.  It was a good afternoon.  I think Isaac's favourite part was working with Graham to make a sick doll that he said was Baby Josiah.  He put a bandaid on his leg and some tape on his face "to hold his tubes."  He hugged the doll a number of times and put it in the stroller to sleep.  (He also threw it around.)

At the end of the day there was a balloon release.  Isaac told me to write the following on his note for the balloon: "Dear Josiah, I love you.  Thank you for staying here some days.  Why did you pass away?  Love, Isaac xoxoxo"

Kohen has his two-month doctor's visit and vaccinations this past week.  On Tuesday he weighed 12.872 pounds and was 25 inches long.  He's above the 95th percentile for height and at the 76th percentile for weight.      

It was McHappy Day at McDonalds on Wednesday.  Graham took Isaac.  Money from certain items on the menu goes to Ronald McDonald Houses.  Apparently there were lots of people when Graham went. 


I feel like I'm out of the newborn fog.  It helps that the nights are good. 

Graham was telling me how he was missing Josiah one day this week.  I wish I could/would have those feelings along with the pain and tears.  It's been a long time since I've cried. 

It's time to sleep.  Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,
Elizabeth

Psalm 68:19
Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation.