Tickle his toes

It was one year ago today on July 31st that Josiah woke up crying and wouldn't stop.  I rushed him to the hospital where he ended up being intubated and then a team from SickKids came and transported us back.  We had no idea we'd be there until November 22.  God is so faithful.  He has guided us through this year.

We're going to meet the counsellor late Friday afternoon.  I would love it if he had a key to unlock my tears, heartache, and pain.  I've been reading other people's stories though and one mother really didn't start to mourn until nine months had passed. 

Isaac told me he was sad about Josiah today.  I asked him what he would like to do with Josiah if he were here.  He said he would tickle Josiah's toes and he told me that's what Daddy would want to do too.  Thus, we asked God to tickle Josiah for Isaac and Graham and to hold him for Mommy and we blew kisses to heaven, assuming God would direct them to Josiah. 

If one has cilantro and mint in the house, one really shouldn't miss the chance to make laab gai.  This may in fact be my favourite salad.  I first ate it in Chiang Mai, Thailand.  I do feel extra cool when I grind my chicken breasts in the food processor.  Unfortunately I don't know the difference between a green unripe papaya and a green ripe papaya so we couldn't have som tam (it takes an unripe papaya) and the recipe I found on Google for sticky rice in our rice cooker didn't match its advertising but ... the laab gai was quite tasty.

I had my first fresh peach of the season and it was delicious and juicy.   

Isaac was quite sad at lunch time.  We had decided we would eat our lunch outside but as soon as I stepped outside the rain started ... and so did Isaac's tears when I let him know our plans had changed. 

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 59:16
But I will sing of Your power;
Yes, I will sing aloud of Your mercy in the morning;
For You have been my defense
And refuge in the day of my trouble.

Extra marks

Wearing Daddy's shoes

There's not much to report ... except that I made a complete dinner all by myself tonight so that was exciting.  It even included roasted vegetables (only slightly overdone) and what may be my favourite salad - quinoa, beans, and vegetables mixed with lemon juice, olive oil, cumin, fresh mint and cilantro and a few other ingredients.  Delicious.  I actually just went and had some as I started to write this.  I could eat the whole bowl.  On a good day I give myself extra marks for cutting up lots of vegetables - I'm a little ridiculous.  I'm afraid salads usually seem like a lot of work to me. 

Isaac and I enjoyed the library program this morning.  Tomorrow Josiah's visiting nurse is coming as I asked if she would take our leftover supplies and Josiah's chart.  Isaac's volunteer will also come.  I think next week will probably be her last week as the following week we'll be on vacation.  She's been such a blessing.

We almost have all of the approvals for the music we used in the funeral.  One place is fine with us using it but wants us to sign an agreement so we're waiting for that.  That place only has 50% of the licensing so we're waiting to hear back from the other place. 

I've been feeling better and thankfully Isaac went to sleep better tonight. 

In other exciting news - I finally purchased a banana guard as Graham usually takes a banana to work.  Awesome. 

Thanks so much for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 18:19
He also brought me out into a broad place;
He delivered me because He delighted in me.

Sorting papers

It's getting late but I've been able to sort out quite a few of the papers that have been sitting around here driving me a little crazy. 

Isaac didn't get to sleep tonight until 9:20 after I sang him to sleep.  I'd left him crying earlier because nothing I did was making any difference but thankfully his daddy had compassion.  When I went in he stopped crying and shortly thereafter said, "I didn't want Baby to die."  He's spoken a couple of times now about Baby coming back.  I've explained that Baby won't come back.  Actually, I tried to explain a little of what it talks about in 1 Thessalonians 4 but I think it went over his head because he told me he didn't want that to happen.

Isaac and I went on our adventure this morning and saw a rabbit, a blue jay, a squirrel, and a number of ducks.  Isaac enjoyed picking some flowers.

Matt Hammitt's Trust:

 

Thanks so much for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Revelation 21:4
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Home Alone

Isaac and Graham went to church this morning and I stayed home, tired and feeling blah.  I think the blah and icky feelings are due to the pregnancy.  My stomach often feels like I shouldn't eat but then I always feel better after I eat something.  I'm not used to any pregnancy symptoms apart from tiredness but I'm thankful that mine are minor.

It was nice to be home alone.  I started a new grief book that a friend left for me.  It's very good.  I was able to cry a little this morning while reading it.

While visiting tonight, I happened to mention the name of the counsellor whom I think we may go and see.  The woman to whom I was speaking became so excited and said he was wonderful and she'd had him as a prof.  That was a nice little God-gift to hear that.  

It was nice to chat with a friend on the phone tonight.  

Isaac woke up early from his nap today and cried in my arms for a long time.  It's easy for me to hold him and rock him and try to comfort him, telling him that I love him and it will be alright -  but I wish my heart also broke as I held him or that I could cry with him as well.  I don't feel anything when it happens, even though I think he's crying for his brother. 

Here's Matt Hammitt's All of Me:

I'm tired.  Thanks so much for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

John 16:33

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

Restless

We had a nice time in Listowel today.  I won't say what time I changed out of my pajamas.  I'm restless though.  The other night when I was watching a video at a Bible study I just had to keep moving and I wanted to stand up.  Today I didn't know what I wanted in terms of lying down, sitting, walking, etc. 

Tonight on the drive home, Isaac asked, "Where's Baby?" and talked about wanting to play with him.  He said that Baby must miss us and want to play with us.  I made a feeble attempt at explaining how it's different for those in heaven and for those of us on earth but seeing as I'm far from understanding this myself, I didn't say too much.  We keep affirming that we miss Baby and want to play with him.  Isaac did bring up "New Baby" and said that he'd play with her and help her do exercises.  Today Isaac thinks the new baby is a girl but he's also talked about having another brother in the past.  I asked him if he knows her name and he said, "Her."  Isaac said Baby was at the gravesite so I said his body was there but his spirit is in heaven.  We went to the cemetery but Isaac was most interested in the "animals" (twig deer) and the fountain. 

On the way home from the cemetery Isaac wanted Smarties.  I said maybe we'd have some at the next birthday as Isaac helps put Smarties on the cake.  He said we should have them when the new baby comes.  He agreed to eat the new baby's cake and Smarties as I said little babies can't have them. 

One of the little babies whom I'm praying for at SickKids is not doing well.  Her name is Ava. 

I started a fiction book that I picked up at the library and I've been enjoying the escape.  It doesn't help me get things put away but it's nice to focus my thoughts on the story.

I owe a lot of people responses to emails.  I read the emails and then mark them unread and then I sometimes even star them but my response rate is even worse than it usually is. 

Thank you so much for your prayers!  It seems like a lifetime ago when we had Josiah and I held him in my arms.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Isaiah 35:10
And the ransomed of the Lord shall return,
And come to Zion with singing,
With everlasting joy on their heads.
They shall obtain joy and gladness,
And sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

This is Grace

I'm writing from Listowel.

Isaac started crying from his room around 8:30 tonight.  I went in and he said, "Baby died."  We talked.  He wants to play with Baby.  So does Mommy.  I asked him if he remembered sitting on the chair with Baby.  "And Baby grabbed my book.  I moved it like this," he said with wide eyes and a smile, demonstrating where he put the book so Josiah couldn't touch it.

On the way to Listowel tonight we stopped at the Wallenstein store and I went to the book section and quickly found a children's book called, "I Couldn't Love You More."  I thought the message and pictures were nice so I asked Graham about it and he said to buy it if I wanted.  I left it in the car but after Isaac woke up I thought it might be good timing to read it.  It talks about how Jesus loves us even more.  I talked about how Josiah gets to be with Jesus.

I didn't realize the significance of the book until now.  It's based on the lyrics of a song by Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real and Jason Ingram.  From the inside flap of the book: "Hammitt's solo album Every Falling Tear chronicles his faith journey surrounding the birth of his son, Bowen ... born with hypoplastic left heart syndrome and endured two open-heart surgeries within the first months of his life."

Josiah had hypoplastic right heart syndrome along with a host of other issues.  A portion of the proceeds from the book and his album go to their foundation that helps families with children suffering from congenital heart defects.  Cool!  Thanks Lord!  Here's one of the songs from the album: This is Grace.

It was nice to have a visit with my neighbour this afternoon. 

Time for bed.  Thanks so much for all your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Isaiah 43:2
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.

Washing machine fixed

It's late.  My washing machine works and it was just the lid switch which is what I was hoping it would be.  Isaac is sleeping at Grandma and Grandpa's house tonight as Graham had a board meeting and I went to a Bible study.  He was excited to go there.  Isaac woke up just after 1:00 AM last night crying.  He wanted to go to the potty.  It was actually a little humorous.  Isaac is often quite particular.  He didn't want me to pick him up off the bed last night as he wanted to get down himself.  So I just sat down and he crawled off the bed.  Instead of getting off the side of the bed, he crawled right off the end of the bed head first.  He was less than impressed.  Thankfully his head and neck were fine.  I eventually got him back to sleep and then headed back to Graham. 

It wasn't a very eventful day but I did discover that I left Isaac's hat at the funeral home on Monday so I'll head there tomorrow to pick it up.  I spent quite a bit of time hunting down emails today to try to contact the artists whose songs we used in the funeral to ask for their permission to post the video of the funeral online.  That made me cry a little - writing that my son had died.  I'm hoping the emails actually make their way to the artists and that they respond soon.

We're going to head to Listowel tomorrow night. 

I heard today from a knowledgeable source that parents whose children die often go through an extended time of being numb.  I think I've come to terms with it now.  I know I'm not in denial so I'll take this peace bubble as a gift from God and trust Him to let the pain in at the right time.  We think we're going to try out a local counsellor who was recommended to us and eventually a group grief group that we've heard good things about. 

Thanks for your prayers.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Romans 12:12
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

An altar to praise Him

I had coffee with a friend this morning which was lovely.  It was decaf.  Isaac had fun with his grandparents.  Grandma told him, "We're going on a little trip but it's a surprise."  He whispered back, "Grandma, no clowns."

We're received so many lovely cards, emails, comments, and we've been supported by so many people who came to the visitation and the funeral (even people we don't know very well).  It's been such a blessing and it's really challenged me to think about when I haven't shown up or called or sent a note (unfortunately I can think of many instances) because it really makes a difference and is such a blessing - so thank you to everyone!  

Isaac's volunteer from the hospice came and visited Isaac this afternoon. The last time she was here was before Josiah passed away, because it didn't work out the week of the funeral and I messed up last week.  Isaac was very excited when I told him who was coming.  He happily showed her some new toys and they played.  I enjoyed a walk while she was here.  It's nice to walk at an adult pace.  She thought he had grown a lot which is also what Grandma F. says.

He's growing up before our eyes.  I mentioned to Graham the other day that Isaac is due to go to school before he turns four (next September) and he thought I was kidding him at first.  We'll face that decision next year.  Isaac actually talks about school all the time, I assume it's due to his cousins.  I ask him where he learned something and he'll often say, "At school."  Apart from missing his Mommy desperately (insert smiley face!), I expect he'll like school and I look forward to hearing about his day.

Isaac and I went for a walk before supper and we were able to see lots of ducks, four airplanes, a cat, two dogs, and two boys in a kids motorized jeep that he thought he'd like to try.  I simply reminded him of his awesome go-kart.  He and Graham played in the backyard after supper.  He wanted to play with his baseball and glove.

A lovely family sent us a cd by Steve Bell called Beyond A Shadow.  Right now, I really resonate with the first song especially, called Here By the Water.  May the altar we build from the stones of this journey, praise our Lord, God and King.

I thought briefly today about the story of King David and the death of his baby son.  I just looked it up and here are some verses from 2 Samuel 12:19-23 below.  One day I will go to Josiah. 

¹⁹ David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked.
“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”
²⁰ Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.
²¹ His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”
²² He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ ²³ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

As the funeral and burial for Josiah approached, I thought it would be hard to think of his physical body buried under the ground but that hasn't been difficult at all, thankfully.

I'd like to write more but it's getting late.  Isaac has cried out a couple of times tonight but when I get to his door he's quiet again.   I don't want to think that he's having bad dreams.

Thank you so much for your prayers.  A repair person is coming in the morning so hopefully my washing machine will be fixed by noon!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 42:1-2
As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So pants my soul for You, O God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?^[b]

Sleeping better

Isaac and I went to the library program this morning.  The lady beside me commented on how still he sat during the story time.  He seems like such a different boy in a public group setting with strangers.  He's a quiet boy then, taking everything in.  He gets more comfortable over time, like his Mommy. 

We've been sleeping better and  I didn't enter Isaac's room until 7:25 this morning.  Actually, the last two days I've tried not to nap because on Sunday night both Graham and I were wired at midnight and couldn't get to sleep for a while. 

Graham and I came across a couple of inspiration videos two nights ago.  One told about a clear miracle in which someone who should have died (the doctors had said it was time to harvest his organs) woke up again.  Instead of being jealous, I was actually comforted.  What a desolate place this world would be if everything was by chance.  Josiah's death didn't take God by surprise.  God had to allow it for it to happen.  A comforting reminder that God is in control.  I wouldn't want to live in any other way.

I was preparing dinner and I knew Isaac was doing something in Josiah's room.  When I went back, I found that he'd taken all of the picture frames that we'd used at the visitation and set them up.  

We went to the cemetery tonight so these are photos from tonight's adventure.  He wanted to wear his boots which was a good thing because it was raining on Isaac.  He likes the deer

made from twigs (below).  There's also a little dog on a memorial stone that he called his friend and he patted.  We'll have to get a picture of it.     

Thanks so much for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 23:4
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

I Spy

I may have lied, in a moment of apparent strength.  I don't know if I'd be strong or brave enough to say to God, "You keep him in heaven" if I could have him back.  It seems easy to say that in lucid moments but tonight when I was missing Josiah, I just wanted him back - in the crib, in my arms, even just to look at him and breathe him in.

It's taken me over two weeks to throw out his food.  I threw away the baby cereal, the liquid yogurt and his Greek yogurt, his puffs and his Little Crunchies that he was so good at eating and enjoyed biting.  I don't want the same foods in my house.  I don't even want the same type of bread that we bought for him.

The dietitian took about seven boxes of Pediasure that we had.  She has another client who needs it but is having issues getting a prescription so I'm glad she'll be able to pass it on.  Isaac wanted the boxes to stay so I explained it.

Isaac went into Josiah's room today so we cuddled on the comfy chair and remembered how he watched some DVDs in the crib with Josiah.  I made up a little song about loving and missing Josiah who is in heaven and Isaac wanted me to sing it again later.

Isaac and I played I Spy for quite a while outside on our front doorstep.  I tried not to look at him when he picked his item but one time I saw exactly where he was looking so after a few incorrect guesses I guessed the correct answer.  I explained to him how I knew what he had picked and said that he should keep looking around after he chose the item he wanted and look somewhere else so that I wouldn't know his choice.  I asked him if he understood.  He immediately said, "Close your eyes Mommy," and then he picked a new item for I Spy.  Oh, that boy!

I'm typing this from my parent's home as I'm doing another load of laundry.  I called the repair service for the store where we bought the washing machine and I was told the earliest that someone could come out was Friday.  Wow - I confess I was quite surprised that I would have to wait that long.  I asked if it was alright to cancel if I found someone else which is when they offered to put me on their cancellation list.  I found another appliance repair person with great reviews but he's on holidays until Wednesday so I'll find out then if he's available before Friday.

I received a lovely email tonight from someone who has gone through grief and she let me know that for her the second year was hardest and it took a while for the tears to flow freely but they came.  That was really nice to hear.  Part of me just wants to "get a move on with this grief thing" but I don't think it works like that.  I also know I don't want to be an emotional wreck when the new baby arrives next March - or, just too plain busy and tired with a new baby to process the grief.  I'll just have to trust God day by day.  He will see us through.

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

2 Corinthians 6:10a
... sorrowful, yet always rejoicing ...

Ramblings

I think I may be running out of things to write but I had always wanted to at least write daily until the one year anniversary of our ambulance ride to SickKids on July 31st, when I first started to post daily.

There are three blogs that I am trying to keep up with, all written by moms of heart babies.  The one baby went to Jesus in May.  Another baby is at SickKids waiting for a heart transplant.  The third is a young boy who is again needing heart surgery.  I read and remember the struggles and wish we were still in the struggle but I also root for these two children and another baby whom I met at SickKids and is still awaiting a transplant.  I pray and hope that God will deliver them.  We wished that we could have donated an organ from Josiah's body but due to his constant low oxygen saturation, nothing at all was acceptable.  It would have been amazing to know that his body helped another little one.

I had a phone conversation yesterday with a mom whom we met at SickKids.  Her baby daughter passed away in December.  It's really amazing to me the number of people we know who have children who have passed away.

I was looking at the first page that I wrote for my letter to Josiah that I read at the funeral and I was saddened to see two lines at the bottom of the page that I neglected to type (yes, I actually used a pen and paper to write it out first).  I had written, "I long to see you and Isaac together again.  On that day I think you'll tell him what an amazing brother he was."

We had a call tonight from a relative whose children passed away.  She was encouraging me and let me know that she also didn't grieve a whole lot and thought the reason for that was because she had no regrets and knew that she was the best mother her children could possibly have and said that the same was true for Graham and me.  I was so thankful to hear Graham say at the funeral, "We would do it all again." in reference to fighting for Josiah's life from day one.  We certainly would.   

It was nice to be in church this morning.  We went to the grave site tonight and watered the grave.  We keep getting surprised at how lovely the place is.  We went for a longer walk there tonight and found two fountains and bridges and boardwalks through a marshy area.  Isaac liked walking on the labyrinth.  There is an old church that was moved there where people actually have weddings.

Isaac was a little fragile at times today.  After he awoke from his nap he cried for quite a long time.  He just sounded so sad.  He wanted to have a cuddle and just cry.  

These photos were taken late last week.  Thanks so much for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

P.S. I hate that I look 4 or 5 months pregnant when I am only 2.  It serves me right for all I've eaten this past year.

Hebrews 4:16

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Washing machine troubles

Isaac is fast asleep in his own bed and I am typing this from my parent's spare bedroom.  I put on the washing machine tonight and it filled up with water and then stopped.  I looked at a few YouTube videos that showed me the potential problems but I suspect we'll just let a repair person send us a bill as fixing washing machines is not our forte.  So, I'm back at my parent's home to use their washing machine.  We are blessed.

Yes, we made the move back to our home around noon.  Isaac napped well and went to sleep easily tonight.  I'm hoping he'll start sleeping until a reasonable time again.

The three of us walked to the park tonight after supper and Isaac had lots of fun.  We have more freedom now to do things all together so we might as well use it.  I'm glad we spent time on the swing set in the backyard after supper with Josiah for a while.  Good memories.  I wish I could just close my eyes and really relive moments with him but it doesn't seem to work for me.  He's gone.  He's not here any more.

When Isaac woke up early this morning he said he'd heard a noise.  He told me again that it was God and Jesus.  The noise he demonstrated made me think that it was unlikely that it originated with God so I said that perhaps it was one of God's animals.  Isaac decided that it was a giraffe that had made the noise.

I think the wash is just about finished.  Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Hebrews 12:2
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Changes

Isaac with Bearemiah

Isaac quickly got over his caution about the Berg.  It was his garbage truck today and he was excited to be a garbage man.  Grandpa pushed him around the living room and the kitchen.  He also tied on a little wagon to the back so he could take the garbage (blocks) to the dump.  I'll have to post the pics tomorrow as I don't have the right hardware to transfer those photos.  Isaac's cousins also enjoyed a little ride in the living room tonight.

Graham's parents came over and treated us to dinner tonight.  They brought with them a gift for Isaac from one of Graham's cousins who made a really nice Montreal Canadiens Build-a-Bear for Isaac.  Isaac asked Grandpa F. to take off the bear's uniform so the bear could go to sleep but it didn't take long for the bear to need his uniform again.  Isaac also enjoyed playing with the puck and stick.

Graham wondered if I'm in a state of shock to some extent.  We watched a show last night that included a baby dying and it didn't affect me one iota.  Not only has our dear Josiah passed away and all of our dreams for him and us but so much about our life the past year has changed.  No more cardiologists, doctors, nurses and nurse practitioners, physiotherapists, dietitians, OTs and speech and language pathologists.  No more SickKids, McMaster, or GrandRiver hospital visits.  No more Ronald McDonald House.  No more crazy schedule, gravity feeds, too many medicines, enox injections, checking for pops, NG tube insertions, taping and retaping.  No more being prepared for power outages and emergencies, checking oxygen saturations levels, and ordering meds and supplies.  The first part of this list is all about the community of people we've had in our lives starting December 2012 when Josiah was first diagnosed in utero.  It seems kind of selfish of me to miss these people whom we only needed because Josiah was sick but I think fondly of so many of these people who cared so well for Josiah.  I always thought we'd go back to SickKids again and I'd get to see so many of the amazing people I've met.  The second part of the list are things that weren't nice for Josiah in general but they were still part of my life for so long.  I went from always being "on" to not needing to be on in many ways.

I think again of the timing of Josiah's death and I'm so grateful.  There were two days in the week preceeding his death, including the day before his death, when Graham was far away and wouldn't have been able to make it back in time to see Josiah alive had this happened when he was away.  Really, even if he had been at work he probably wouldn't have been able to return home in time once I'd realized how serious this was.  Being with Josiah and being together was very important to Graham and I think this would have been so much harder on me had I been alone as I would probably be second guessing my decisions.  God is so gracious. 

The thought came to me today that even if God said I could have Josiah back, I would of course say no.  While I would love to see him, hear him, and hold him again, and examine every part of him, smelling him in and kissing his lips and feeling those soft curls ... how could I ever wish him back from Jesus' arms?  How could I ever wish him back from the freedom he is able to experience?  How could I ever wish him back from heaven?  I could not.

My friend reminded me yesterday that this is our end goal - to be with Jesus.  While we can certainly know Jesus on earth and I couldn't do this without him, there can surely be no comparison to being right in His immediate presence in heaven.  I couldn't wish tubes and laboured breathing and blue skin on my dear son.  Oh, but how I would love to have him in my arms again.

In some ways it's like he wasn't here.  My son has died, surely my world should be falling apart.  Surely the tears should not cease to flow.  I just nodded and calmly agreed as the doctor explained that they'd already done CPR for longer than usual and asked if we agreed that they should stop.  I just calmly asked for adhesive remover to remove his tubes.  Surely my heart should have broken in two, my lungs should have forgotten how to breath.  My legs should have given way.  Should I be thankful for peace or grieve that I am stone?  (That sounds a little too melodramatic - I'm just writing - don't worry that I am not giving myself grace or trying to allow myself to grieve in my own way.  Actually, writing can help me cry.)

The dietitian will meet me Monday morning for the supplies I'll pass on and the physiotherapist will meet me late Monday afternoon.  Then I'll just have one more person to contact about passing on some supplies.  Then we can focus on thank you cards.

The heat has finally let up late this afternoon so we'll head home tomorrow morning.  Isaac and I saw a beautiful rainbow on the way home from the restaurant tonight - a reminder of God's promises.  It is wonderful that roses still smell lovely and curry still tastes delicious and a rainbow still puts me in awe of God's glory. 

Thank you for your prayers!  I need sleep.  Last night I awoke at 3:30 - the earliest yet.  Isaac is also waking earlier - just before 6:00 this morning.  Thankfully he is still napping well so I can catch up on a little sleep then.  I seem to find it easier to sleep in the day.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Philippians 3:20-21

²⁰ But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

His favourite things

The Berg Buddy Orange!

How can I feel completely awake before 5:00 AM?

Graham and I always pray together at the door along with Isaac before Graham leaves for work.  Yesterday was the first day that he hasn't asked God to be with, "Elizabeth, Isaac, and Josiah."  

I often ask Isaac, "Who loves you?"  He usually starts his list with Mommy and Daddy so I ask, "Who else loves you?"  Yesterday, before he answered, "Baby", he said, "Michael", Josiah's nurse. 

I think I was nauseous yesterday morning.  My head was saying that I needed to eat but I thought food would make me throw up.  I lay down for a few minutes and that helped.  I'm assuming it's related to pregnancy though I've never felt that way before.  Perhaps lack of sleep and food and the heat (I had been out and about before this happened) and Josiah could all be contributing factors.

I don't want to forget the things Josiah liked:  His muslin blankets (we buried him with his favourite one - white with turquoise hippos; the green one is on my bed with his bunny), helicopter toy, his new plastic photo book without photos, his first glance of people in the morning, having his brother near - especially in the crib with him, playing with Daddy, going on stroller rides as long as the stroller was moving, the noise from the red tube, DVDs - especially Old MacDonald and Noah as well as BOZ, swaying in my arms during the music time at church, throwing his blanket far up over his head and letting it fall onto his face, playing the baby piano, being moved quickly through the air (sort of like being thrown up high), cuddling and sleeping in Grandpa's arms, seeing his grandparents usually brought smiles, playing and pulling his oxygen and NG tubes, touching the decorations on his window, being in his exersaucer and other play chairs turning the balls and cylinders, being tickled (sometimes - often in the evening before bed), bath time, his nurse, eating his crunchy fake Cheesies (made from vegetables), "When I was Wee" sometimes, when I gave him one of his favourite toys in the morning, his ball that moved by itself, peek-a-boo behind his crib and being surprised, being rocked to sleep while I patted his bottom, calming him down by making a purring sound in his ear, singing my song, "Mommy Loves You," ...   

Isaac and I went to the grocery store today.  I saw foods I would have bought for Josiah.  We had a delicious supper tonight.  It's so hard to believe that it's been a week since Josiah's funeral.  Isaac was missing Josiah in the car today so I asked him if he'd like to go and water the grave so we did that tonight after supper.  It's really such a nice place.  The birds sing and the view is lovely.

I don't think I mentioned this but when I found out that I was pregnant I realized that having our room taken at the B&B was another gift from God.  I'm pretty sure I've read that pregnant women should not have really hot baths or be in a jacuzzi so God protected me and the baby.   

Daddy and Isaac near Josiah's gravesite

Isaac received an incredible gift today.  A friend whom we've met through Josiah won the Berg Buddy Orange (the go-kart in the top photo) while playing golf yesterday.  He thought that Isaac would like it and asked us if it would be alright with us.  His kind boss dropped it off this morning.  Isaac was definitely very interested and excited by it but he hasn't quite brought himself to actually sit on it yet.  He did stand on part of it and he kept asking me all day, "What's that?" and I would answer, "That's a very special gift for you."  Graham was more than happy to sit on it (it brought back some childhood dreams).  It may take a few years until Isaac is speeding down the road with it but that's alright with Mommy.  We'll be able to take him for rides as soon as we can get him on it.  He did the same thing when he received his tricyle.  He's a cautious boy.

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

John 5:24

“I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life.

Back to work

Grandma helped Isaac make this ice cream cone

He came to the door with blue gloves on and took the pole from me.  I watched him as he reached the back of his SUV.  He took out a large clear plastic bag and lifted the pole into it.  He threw his gloves into the bag, removing them carefully, and tied the bag shut.  He then took out another plastic bag and covered the top of the pole, being careful not to touch the pole. 

Josiah was just a sweet baby.  His smile was contagious but not his disease.  The pole held his feeds and his bravery beads.  It's completely understandable but I don't have to like the gloves.  I guess I should be thankful he wasn't wearing a mask as well.  I cried as I watched him take the pole, no longer needed in Josiah's room.

That happened at 1:30.  I waited until 5:30 for all of the oxygen tanks and supplies to be picked up.  It was the regular delivery man who kindly expressed his condolences.  It was nice to say goodbye to him.  I then quickly went to the pharmacy before it closed at 6:00 so that I could drop off all of Josiah's medications as well as his sharps bin.  I was also able to make it to the Purolator building to send the oximeter back.  I arrived at my parent's home around 6:10 to discover that Isaac had decided not to eat until Mommy returned.  He woke up twice last night and called for me but he didn't cry and he was able to fall back to sleep with some Mommy time. 

Graham went back to work today and had a good day. 

I still need to return some items to the dietitian and the physiotherapist and I left messages for them today.  I also need to pick up a couple of things at the funeral home and throw away the flowers on Josiah's grave. 

I don't think I mentioned it (although my memory isn't the best right now) but Isaac woke up the other morning humming and making percussion sounds, happily entertaining himself and his mommy who was listening outside his door.  It was at the dinner table tonight that he said he wanted Baby.  We all do my lovely boy.  It is quite comforting to know that I can speak to the One in whose presence Josiah abides. 

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Philippians 4:13
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Hot

Yesterday morning I was up reading between 4:30 and 6:30 AM but then I was able to get a little more sleep after that.  After Isaac woke up last night, he was quite upset.  I couldn't get him back to sleep until after 1:00 AM (eating a banana seemed to be the key).  I slept beside him in my jeans and top until around 4:00 when I went and changed. 

Isaac's aunt, uncle, and cousins head back to B.C. tomorrow so we spent the day with them.  We went to an indoor playground and the kids had a great time.  We went back to my brother's home in the afternoon and the kids enjoyed the toys and we all enjoyed the cool air. 

We stopped at our home (the sauna) tonight and Graham gave Isaac a bath while I tried to tidy a few things up.  It didn't take long to realize that we shouldn't sleep there.  I took a few photos of his chair in the kitchen and then took it to the basement.  I also took photos of some of his foods and the containers for his feeds that I used to make up in the mornings. 

Graham just told me it's 27 degrees and it feels like 36 degrees right now at 9:20 PM.  Graham just returned from watering the grass on Josiah's grave.  It's only five minutes from my parent's home.  The grass which was cut out to dig the hole is looking quite brown. 

Yesterday on the way to Listowel Isaac finally agreed to give Graham one of his clementine pieces.  Then he told us that he was saving one for Baby Josiah.  We talked about how God gives him everything he needs in heaven and that Josiah would like Isaac to eat it for him.  Today Isaac said (he often says these things in the car) that he didn't want to go home, he wanted to go to heaven to see Baby Josiah.  We talked through that again. 

The thought came to me tonight that I should try to make up a happyish song about Josiah that I can sing to Isaac if he wants to hear it.  He always likes me to sing to him a nap and bedtime.  Jesus Loves Me is first and then if I ask later if he wants one more it's almost always Our God Reigns.  Every so often he lets me know that I can choose any song I want to sing. 

Thank you for your prayers.  My parents returned the suction machine today and tomorrow morning I'll start calling places about the other things.  I meant to do that today but I forgot the piece of paper with all the numbers on it.  I'm still in 'control mode' with a number of items on my to-do list.  I'm hoping when those are accomplished I can just think about this new reality without Josiah in my arms.  My parents dropped by our home today.  Dad told me that he sat in the chair where he always rocked Josiah.  Both mom and dad were there and they said a prayer.  That was a nice image for me.
Graham's parents came across a helicopter photo frame so they bought it to put Josiah's photo in as he always loved his toy helicopter.

Thank you for your prayers.  

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

In Josiah's Room

I'm typing from Josiah's room with the air conditioner on.  When I finish this post we'll head back to my parent's home to sleep in cool comfort.  Isaac should be sleeping soundly there.  I think two agencies came by today when we were out to pick up equipment.  So tonight I cleaned up Josiah's room and put everything back the way it belongs so that I could take photos before I say goodbye to these things.  I made up Josiah's bed so that I could just lay him down.  I even attached the DVD player to the bed.  Now I can say goodbye to his pole, suction machine, oximeter, oxygen concentrator and the eleven oxygen tanks (our home should be a little safer without these), as well as his Bumbo chair, other chair from the physiotherapist, feeding supplies, and medicines.

My dad just called and Isaac just woke up so we're heading back there now.

Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Isaiah 55:12

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.

Tired

We are tired.  We were tired in church this morning.  We left a little early.  We all had a good nap this afternoon but I was still tired after an automatic  pre-recorded telephone survey woke me up.  We should learn to put our phones off when we're napping. 

My parents were out tonight at a camp church service but we took our dinner to their home to borrow their cooler air.  We put Isaac to bed there and we just returned home to pick up some clothes and toiletries after mom and dad returned home.  Isaac prefers the queen size bed so we'll use the double bed.  He was a little wired tonight.  He called me in about half an hour after we left him to go to sleep.  He said he'd heard a noise in his ear and then he made little puff sounds.  Then he told me it was Jesus and God so I told him to ask God what He wanted to say next time.  He wanted me to stay.  He put his arms around me and told me he was keeping me safe.  He was eventually okay with me leaving.

The three of us went to the cemetery tonight.  When we told Isaac where we were going he said that he didn't want the lid closed (referring to the lid of the casket).  We talked about that.  He was fine at the gravesite and we watered the grass over the grave.

It's time to head back.  Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

1 Peter 5:7

" ... casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you."

One week ago today

Josiah would have turned 15 months old today.  The clock said 5:41 when I opened my eyes this morning.  Last week when Josiah woke up crying for the last time, one of the clocks said 5:42 (I can't remember if it was the clock with the correct time or the one five minutes fast.)  I kind of tried to remember and relive moments in my head as I watched the time move on.  I commented to Graham that I wonder what time was listed as the time of death - when they started CPR or when they stopped it.  His heart never came back.  It seems like a long time ago when I last held him.

We're tired.  We went to my parent's this morning to say goodbye to my brother and his family but Graham and I rested most of the time we were there.  Then we were able to go to my niece's last soccer game.  She's a great player!  We all had a good nap after coming home.  Isaac became quite upset shortly after waking up.  Thankfully he likes to cuddle between Graham and me in bed while he drinks milk and holds my hair.  He also likes me to sing to him, usually starting with "Jesus Loves Me."  It's nice to be able to give him comfort.  After he calmed down I said, "Mommy loves you so much and Daddy loves you so much."  He responded, "And Baby."  He often called Josiah, Baby.  I said, "Yes, Josiah loves you so much as well."  Tonight before bed he wanted Baby's body to be here.  I asked him if he wanted a photo of him and Baby for his wall but he said he wanted Baby there.  We let him know that we all want Baby.  I asked Isaac if he had any memories of Baby and he said yes, "Baby laughing."  We say Jesus is taking the best care of him and Isaac reminds us that he's with God too.  I don't think he fully grasped my explanation of the Trinity the other day.  :)  Isaac liked the idea of asking Jesus to say hello to Baby and pass on our kisses to him.  I like it too.  

We went to my brother's home for dinner and then went and bought a cell phone as we lost ours on the day Josiah passed away.  My brother-in-law said we should buy a phone if we wanted to find our old one and it worked!  We found our phone this evening in a place we've both looked in.  I figured that would happen.  I tried to take back the other one tonight but I didn't have the same debit card.  That was annoying.  Actually, I had some mean one-liners go through my head as I thought about their customer service but that excited me as I thought about anger being a sign of grief.  I want to know I'm grieving.  Usually I'm extra emotional when I'm tired but right now I just feel wiped out.  Dad wondered if perhaps my pregnancy hormones are affecting the way I'm grieving as well.

I went to the graveside tonight.  It felt good to go.  I really like the Williamsburg Cemetery.  I heard birds singing and it's just a lovely location.  We'll have to look at the by-laws to see what we're allowed to put on the grave now.  We're allowed a small garden but I think that's after we have a gravestone.  I think we may put a gravestone in on his birthday next year or on the one year anniversary of his death.  His grave is right beside a small tree so at least we'll be able to know where it is even in the snow. 

Graham and I watched a funny movie tonight and ate things that tasted good.  I'll need to be careful about not eating junk very often. 

Yesterday we were able to drop some things off at the church and go to the funeral home to finish up with everything there.  Erb & Good has done such an amazing job.  They even gave us a stack of thank you cards as well as printed mailing labels for all of those people who gave flowers and donations in Josiah's name.  Wow - how thoughtful!  We went out for shawarma for lunch yesterday.  We've both been wanting it the last few days but didn't think the garlic sauce would go over well with all of the people we needed to hug at the visitation and reception.   We then went to Listowel to say goodbye to family there and enjoyed some very tasty Indian food they had made. 

It's time for bed.  We really need to put our house in order as we have things everywhere but we haven't been home long enough or awake long enough to do that.  Well, tonight we decided to watch a movie instead.

It's time for bed.  I feel like I have low grade malaise.  Things don't bring me to tears but something's just not right.  I was in SuperStore tonight and I walked through the baby section, seeing things that would have looked cute on Josiah.  Thank you for your prayers. 

Blessings,

Elizabeth

John 16:22 So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.

Time for bed

I'm tired so this will be short but I did say last night that I would confirm the answer to my question yesterday.

We are thrilled that I am pregnant and that we found out less than a week before Josiah passed away so we were able to tell him the good news.  I am very early on so the baby isn't due until early March. 

We were able to rest, accomplish some errands, and spend time with family today so it was a good day. 

Thank you for keeping us in your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 125:1-2

¹ Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion,
    which cannot be shaken but endures forever.
² As the mountains surround Jerusalem,
    so the Lord surrounds his people
    both now and forevermore.

Mulling thoughts

I woke up just before 5:00 AM this morning.  The thoughts then start mulling around in my brain and sleep is elusive.  They aren't bad or crippling thoughts.  They are random thoughts about many of the conversations we had with people the last couple of days and remembering different details of the funeral.  I feel okay.  I decided I might as well be productive so I went into Josiah's room and sat on the comfy chair and started reading the book on loss that my friend recommended weeks ago.  I had actually asked for her recommendations for another friend.  God knows what we'll need.

I remembered that I meant to mention the police officer yesterday.  We had a police escort to the graveside which was news to me.  As we neared the entrance the officer sped up, parked, and stood at attention, saluting the entire procession.  Wow.  That was so kind.

The last couple of days, both during the visitations and while we spoke to people during the reception, I've told a number of people that I'm running on adrenalin.  The fact is I think I felt that I needed to apologize somehow for how "together" I appeared as I haven't been crying and many times the person I was hugging was crying.  In truth I didn't feel like I was pumped up on adrenalin.  I think God has just been holding me tightly in his arms and that's a wonderful place to be.  They say that grief is different for everyone so I will try to give myself grace even when I'm not crying.  It does feel good to cry when it happens (while also intensely painful).  I think that surely the floodwaters should be bursting over the levees but that's not happening right now.  We do have extended family around until next Wednesday so we'll enjoy spending time with them and let Isaac be doted on by his cousins.  People talk about being numb but I feel quite aware of what's going on, though I am tired and was exhausted at the end of the reception yesterday. 

One of my brother-in-laws worked hard the last couple of days preparing videos with Josiah's photos for the visitation and the funeral.  We wished we had thanked him publicly yesterday as he did such an amazing job.  Everyone has been so helpful. 

Another thought yesterday was about my sister-in-law who lives locally.  She is highly skilled and had a great job which she felt that God was asking her to leave long before Josiah was even born or his challenges were know.  At the time, God hadn't made it clear to her what was to come next.  In my humble opinion, this wasn't like my sister-in-law who is a wonderful planner and makes things happen.  She and my brother trusted God's leading.  The dates worked out so that she ended her position within days of Josiah's birth.  Even when I was living in Toronto to prepare for Josiah's birth, my sister-in-law came and took me out for lunch and blessed me. She has been so helpful with Isaac during this whole time and this past week she has helped me in countless ways. God provided so beautifully for us.  I could go on and on but I've mentioned before about the timing of my dad's retirement and my parent's moving to this area and being able to look after Isaac when we were in the hospital and when we were home. 

 I think I just want to put everything back in Josiah's room exactly where it was and then take some photos to remember.  I think it will be good for us that we are forced to make changes in the room as a number of items need to be returned to various places (or picked up) such as the pole for his feeds, the oximeter, the oxygen concentrator and oxygen tanks, and the suction machine.  I asked for permission to wait until next week to do this.  I'm glad it's not currently difficult to go into Josiah's room.  I can still see his messy hand prints on the window pane as there were a few decorations stuck to the window that he liked to feel. 

I hung up a few roses to dry on the drapery pole in my front window.  I'm not sure if they'll dry well or not or if I'll end up keeping them.  In one sense they will just be extra stuff that we don't need but I don't want to regret not having them later so this way I'll have a choice when I'm ready.

This is currently my vehicle for getting out what's in my head.  Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 91:1

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.”

So Thankful

Today was everything we wanted it to be.  God gave us the words to say and His peace and strength to get us through the day.  We were blessed to see so many friends and family and were able to receive lots of hugs during the reception.  Many people travelled to support us today and we are so grateful.  God worked it out so that my cousin who lives in Switzerland happened to be in Ontario for work and was able to attend the funeral today.  It was so wonderful to see her and hug her as well as my aunt and uncle whom we haven't been able to go and visit since Josiah was born due to his limitations.

I may write more about the day in another blog.  I believe the service was videoed so we may be able to post it so that our family and friends overseas are able to see it if they'd like.  I thought I would crash tonight but we're just enjoying a relaxing evening.  I watched a lot of videos of Josiah.  Praise God for technology!  It wasn't hard to watch them.  In some ways it seems so long ago that I held Josiah in my arms. 

I was very tired after the reception but the graveside service was also beautiful.  We and our families decorated the casket with our hand prints and short messages to Josiah.  While the casket was lowered, we threw flowers on top.  We had a little private time with Isaac at the graveside.  We had two helium balloons and we wrote on them, "Thank you Jesus for Josiah."  The plan was to send one into the sky to represent it going to heaven as a gift for Jesus and then Isaac could keep the other one.  Isaac wanted to keep both of them so that was fine.  This way I don't have to concern myself about what environmental damage the balloon would cause.  It would have been fun to watch it fly into the sky.

We think Isaac did remarkably today.  I'm so glad he was with us.  He was upset when the casket was closed right before we walked into the church.  He gets fixated on things so he just kept telling us that he wanted the box open in a very sad voice.  Thankfully it dawned on my wise husband that we could just open it up again so the funeral director came and opened up the casket at the front of the sanctuary near the end of the worship time at the beginning of the service.  I think I will always have fond memories of that.  I don't imagine that happens too often.  Then Isaac said that he wanted Baby out of the casket.  He was able to settle down though and was good for the remainder of the service.

I wanted him to see the casket lowered into the ground so that he would understand where it went.  He did say he wanted to take Baby home and he cried a little but he calmed down and was fine the rest of the day.  We don't have psychology degrees so we're praying our way through this each day.  It's a gift that he's old enough to miss Josiah and want him back.  We all want him back. 

Those of you who weren't at the funeral missed a little announcement that we made.  I told Josiah the news less than a week before he passed away.  See if you can guess our news from the picture below.  I'll give you the correct answer tomorrow in case our hint is too subtle!  God is so good!

Can you guess our news?

Thank you for your continued prayers!  We are being carried by our faithful God and answers to your prayers.  I think we'll sleep well tonight.  We have the peace that surpasses understanding.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

A great visitation

It was lovely to see so many people today at the visitation.  We certainly felt loved and supported.  There were definitely some faces I didn't expect to see like my teachers from Grade 2 and 7/8 (they worked with my mom as well).  They drove a long way as did many others.  It was so nice to see nurses and other caregivers who worked with Josiah.  One of the new nurses who only had one shift with Josiah came.  That was really touching.  I was able to meet many of Graham's past and current co-workers as well as friends, neighbours, and our loving church family.  Isaac's wonderful volunteer from the Hospice came as well.  

Everything just came together without stress this morning.  It was really at the last minute that we decided to take some of Josiah's toys, and his casts or molds, his DVD player, and photos.  We had all of his birthday letters in a binder.  We were printing a large photo for the funeral home the other day and I couldn't resist printing a number of other photos just so that I would have a physical copy.  I hadn't thought about displaying them until today but I quickly found all the frames in our home and we put these photos in for a display.  It looked just the way I wanted it to without having given it any forethought.  That was a nice gift from God. 


My biggest concern today was how Isaac would react to seeing Josiah's body.  He had a wonderful date with one of his aunts today.  He even had a long nap.  He came to the funeral home at 5:45 PM so that Graham and I could have some private time with him and show him Josiah's body.  We talked about his body and his spirit.  He didn't react much at the time but a little while later he told my mom that he wanted Baby's body.  Then a few minutes later he was very excited to be running in circles.  He certainly didn't mind being doted on by his older girl cousins.  It was so nice to have all the nieces and nephews running around.   

I'm tired so I'll end this here.  A very kind neighbour brought me some herbal tea this morning to help me sleep.  I won't try it tonight as I need to get up early tomorrow but I was told it works well.

Thank you so much for your continued prayers.  God gave us strength and peace today for which we are very grateful.  We need the same for tomorrow. 

Blessings,

Elizabeth

2 Corinthians 5:1
For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.

Long day

It's been a productive day but it's been long.  My sister-in-law helped me with some shopping.  I was good until I walked into a children's store and tried to find something that I might want Josiah to wear.  A mother shouldn't have to pick out clothes for her baby to wear in a casket.  I can't try three outfits and see which one I like the best.  I just left the store.  I have nonsensical thoughts like, "I don't want him to be cold or hot."  I don't want his body to be there period.  I have no idea how I'll react when I see his body for the first time since Saturday.  I don't know what he will look like.  I wonder how confusing this will be for Isaac.  The thought of this just made me cry.  We need wisdom.

Whenever I used to think about visitations they seemed to me to be the worst type of event for people in grief.  "Let's make those sad people dress up, stand up, and shake hands over and over and over."  However, I now see it in the context of community and I think it will be good to see people who know us and care for us and want to offer their condolences. 

I think the way it was done when my Grandpa in Northern Ireland passed away 18 years ago was beautiful.  Perhaps it's a glorified memory of my youth but my Grandpa's body never left the home until the pallbearers walked his casket down the farm lane with the family walking behind.  Shortly after his death people just started showing up and visiting with my Grandma while she sat on a couch.  All the family was together and children ran in and out of rooms, including the room with my Grandpa's body.  I hope my memory is close to what happened!

We learned this morning that The Waterloo Region Record waived its fee for Josiah's obituary and sent their condolences through the funeral director.  That was so kind! 

I have now cancelled all of Josiah's appointments including a hearing test, a visit with an optometrist, and his GP as he was going to get the chicken pox shot next week.  Our GP called today after he heard what had happened and wanted to know how Graham and I are doing.  He's very kind.  All of Josiah's doctors have sent their condolences.

Isaac told Graham this morning that he wanted Josiah to come and eat breakfast.  He also told me that he wanted to go to heaven and fly in heaven (and also drive in the sky).  Isaac saw a cast of Josiah's foot and he told me with a smile that Josiah can walk now. 

I look at his photos and think, "How can he possibly just be a picture now?"  (I know he's not just a picture!)  Sometimes the thoughts come:  "What if I'd done this or that ... would he still be here?"  I know these are not helpful and I remind myself of God's timing.  

Graham's side of the family hung out at our home this afternoon and helped out with various things. 

Thank you so much for your prayers.  We need them.  These next couple of days are going to be long and they will fly by.  We need God's strength and peace and comfort.  We know He will provide.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Romans 8:38-39
For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Fragile

I was able to get a little more sleep last night so I thank God for that.  I'm tired so this won't be the novel from yesterday.  I was able to hold it together easily for the meeting at the funeral home and the cemetery.  Erb & Good funeral home is amazing.  They completely cover all internal expenses for a child's funeral.  It's incredibly generous and a huge blessing.  One should not have to plan their child's funeral. 

Isaac hung out with his aunt and cousin today and had a good time.

One should not have to go shopping for their child's funeral.  I have a little free advice for you.  If someone says to you, "It's hard to know what to wear to your child's funeral," your response (when you realize that the person's child has died) should not be, "Don't worry, you're still young."  I realize that people don't know what to say at times like this but that line is really not a winner.  Thankfully they said it to Graham and I was in the change room.  He didn't respond.  We joked about it but I thought this would be a good public service announcement to make on the blog.  (I'm hoping this paragraph doesn't sound mean.)

There was a message on the answering machine when we returned.  The pharmacy was calling because they had received some information about Josiah but they didn't realize what had happened so I called them back to let them know and that was a little hard.  A few minutes later the owner (one of the pharmacists) called back.  He was so kind as he offered his condolences.  Beechwood Wellness Pharmacy has been very good to us and they liked to ask how Josiah was doing.  Another one of the pharmacists called us later as well.

In my perfect plan I was going to be able to go to my hairdresser on Thursday morning but I called and she's not there then.  Things like this set off the tears, not because there's anything wrong or unexpected about a hairdresser not being available but just because I'm fragile right now.  I said the tears were set off but I should have said the flood waters opened.  As I'm typing I feel fine but I know that the sadness and pain are not far from the surface if I chose to open the door.  

We have ice cream each July 8th as this was the due date for our first baby.  We actively remember that baby with traditions twice a year.  It was different this year to remember that baby while grieving the loss of Josiah.  I've talked to Isaac about this baby in the past but Graham wisely thought we shouldn't include him in our tradition this year as it would be confusing given all that's happened with Josiah.  Graham told me he asked again to see Baby Josiah this evening.

I need to go through my various lists and make plans for what needs to happen these next couple of days.
Again, we are so thankful that the funeral isn't until Thursday as it means there is a little time to cry in between doing things.

Oh yes, the details and obituary can be found on the Erb & Good website.  The visitation will take place at the funeral home on Wednesday from 2-4 and 6-8 and the funeral service will take place at Waterloo Pentecostal Assembly this Thursday at 10:30 AM. 

I found this video a few weeks ago.  This was my prayer for both of my boys:

Thank you so much for your prayers for our family.  We've so appreciated your emails and comments.  Thank you!  

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 116:15
Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.

Grieving with Hope

I don't know what to write.  I don't know where to start.  I should be preparing a feed or pulling up meds.  I want to check for a pop with the stethoscope.  I want to rock him to sleep.  I want to sing to him and run my fingers through his soft curly hair.  I want to kiss his cheeks and purple lips.  I want to watch him sleeping peacefully or turning the ball in his exersaucer.  I want to see his sparkling eyes.

I will never again walk into his room in the morning and see the most beautiful smile imaginable light up the room and mommy's heart.  Josiah Nathanael Gabriel Faulkner, your mommy misses you so much as does your daddy and big brother Isaac.  We long for you.  We ache without you.

There are no more alarms going off with reminders of meds and feeds and appointments and drugs to order.  There is no oxygen concentrator humming, no monitor going off, no syringes to wash and put in bags, no oxygen tanks to pack up, no appointment calendar to check, no nurses coming to the door, no baby in his chair at the kitchen table making his mommy so proud with what he's eating and drinking.  There's no Josiah asleep in the next room and no breathing to check.

Isaac has spoken about Josiah quite a lot today, saying he misses Baby and that he wants to go to heaven. 

Amazingly, I can still breathe and walk around and eat and write.  Sleep is a little harder to come by.  I think the nights will be the hardest when I'm alone with my thoughts and my brain won't turn off.  I remembered advice that my eldest brother gave me back during university.  He said to find a book and escape for a while.  I found Gordon Korman's "I Want to Go Home" on my shelf which I probably read when I was 11 years old or something.  I think it helped me a little to change the channel in my brain so that I was able to get a little bit of sleep until the funeral home called this afternoon.  Any sleep is welcome. 

We are so grateful to God for so many things.  God took Josiah home quickly.  This was God's timing.  Sweet Josiah awoke crying around 5:40 AM, we called 911 around 7:30 AM after he progressed downhill, CPR was started in the ambulance on route to the hospital at 7:55 and it ended after 30 minutes.  His heart was never able to be shocked as it never regained the correct rhythm.   I think it was a blessing that we never knew what was happening.  He was sweaty when I picked him out of his crib in the morning - he had sweat through his sheets.  I thought perhaps I had just turned the cool to fan on the air conditioner.  When he first started throwing up his feed I thought it was the way we turned him over or that his feed was somehow bad or that he just had a stomach bug.  In between throwing up we were each able to rock him and cuddle him for a little while and for a few minutes at a time he looked peaceful though his breathing was more laboured.  We really didn't have a clue.  We even took out the DVD player but that only settled him for a few moments.

We carried him to the door and outside to the stretcher when the paramedics arrived.  He was in my arms and Graham carried two oxygen tanks for his nasal prongs and a mask for blow by.  Thankfully we'd already called my parents over.  Also, it was after 7:30 AM at this point and Isaac had not called out from his room so he was spared from seeing his brother in distress.  God protected him.  At one point (before Josiah completely deteriorated), we had considered driving him to the hospital.  I can't imagine our feelings had he died in the car seat on the way to the hospital.  Before the ambulance left our street, one of the paramedics said they were encouraged that his colour had improved but his heart rate had zoomed from around 80 to almost 200 beats per minute.  I had to ride in the front of the ambulance but even when the paramedic called to the driver that they'd started CPR when his heart rate went to below 60, I just kept praying but still had God's peace.  When they parked the ambulance, the paramedic intubated Josiah in the ambulance before he was transferred inside. 

I'll spare you from the details of what went on in the hospital to try to save him but both Graham and I are very happy that we asked them to do everything they could to try to save him.  We would do it all over again and we're thankful for the medical intervention.  We know God could have started his heart again but that wasn't His plan. We had another beautiful gift from God in a dream that He gave to Josiah's incredible nurse who also came to the hospital and held Josiah.  That meant so much to me and to all of our family as we were all blessed by Michael and his love and care for Josiah.  This dream also confirmed to us that this was God's perfect timing and plan.   

We are so thankful that all of the local family was able to come to the hospital and see Josiah's body to say goodbye.  Graham's eldest brother and his wife were able to see Josiah in May and Graham's younger brother and his wife and family were able to visit with Josiah just last Wednesday (they are both from BC).  That family is still here.  On my side of the family two families have trips scheduled to start next week so that timing is good too.  We had already made plans for both sides of our family to all be together yesterday in Waterloo so that's what we did after leaving the hospital.  God is so good and gracious.  Graham and I stayed behind at the hospital until we were ready to leave Josiah's body.  Before Josiah was even born, I remember asking a dear friend who had gone through the death of her child, how one can possibly walk out and leave their child for the last time.  She said among other things that they knew it was just her earthly shell.  That was so clear to us as we held Josiah, though his earthly shell was beautiful.  It was not as hard as I had thought it would be.  God's grace truly is all sufficient and we are thankful.  The lovely nurse at the hospital helped us to bathe Josiah a final time.  

It was good to hold Josiah.  He looked peaceful.  The first thing I did after CPR was stopped (the doctor took us aside to a room and explained everything and asked if we agreed to stop CPR) was to ask them for adhesive remover so that I could remove the tapes from his face and thus remove the tubes.  That's one thing that Isaac is happy about - that Josiah has no more tubes.  Isaac wanted to see Josiah in his crib today so we reminded him that he'd gone to heaven and that we can't see him again on earth.  Then he thought he was at the hospital so we talked about that.  We spoke about the meaning of Josiah's name (God has healed) and how God had healed him by taking him to heaven where he is with Jesus. 

I haven't changed anything in Josiah's room yet.  The clean open diaper that we were going to put on him is still in his crib, the tray with the empty syringes from his morning meds is there too.  We had packed up all his medicines to take with us, thinking we would need them if we had a long stay.  His diaper bag is in our hall and the blanket and box from the hospital are on the dishwasher.  They took prints and molds of his feet which we'll need to pick up from the hospital.

There will be no more needles, no more oxygen hunger, no more laboured breathing, no more morphine, no more pain, no more tears.  He is free.   

I now know for sure that this blog is not for Josiah.  I had always hoped that I would be able to show him his story one day.  I need to grieve the lost dreams.  The lost miracle of healing on earth.  The brothers that will not grow up together.  God said, "No" to our prayers asking that Josiah would learn to crawl and walk and talk and play and dance with Isaac.  There will be no more pictures or videos.  That of course is a big regret - that we didn't have another family photo done.  The last one was done in January and the boys have changed a lot.  However, we can certainly be thankful for all that we do have.  We are blessed.

It's true that I can breathe but I am often wanting deeper breaths and there is often an ache seemingly in my stomach.  It is good to cry.  We need to walk through this grief but it's also hard to "want to go there" to the thoughts about never ever holding him again and seeing his smile.  I was already reading a book on loss that my friend suggested to me and I was reading it the night before Josiah passed away.  One step it suggests is to list my losses.  I guess that's part of what this entry is tonight. 

I really want to smell him.  I wish his scent were here in the house but I don't think it is.  I want to give him a bath.  It was hard to go to his swing today and remember that I'd had him there just the night before and for many nights.  Everywhere I look there are reminders - the avocados and pear we bought to give him, his nail clippers, the toys he liked, his room of course.  I have his bunny on my bed along with the teddy bear we bought after we lost our first child due to an ectopic pregnancy.  I actually bought the bunny before his second surgery with the idea that it would go on my bed if Josiah didn't make it.   

Thank you SO much for all of your emails and comments.  I check often to see if there are emails as they are so encouraging and they help lift us up.  Even just knowing that you're thinking of us is a blessing.  Since the beginning and all through our extended hospital stay I've always said and felt that the hard part was to come.  It's hard now and I expect (from what I hear) that the hardest part will be after the funeral and after everyone leaves.  God is in control and He loves us and we are in the palm of His hand, as is Josiah - the safest place to be.  God is good and He will see us through.  Good will come out of this, one day.

I know God will see us through.  Graham and I have prayed for our marriage as we know losing a child can be devastating for marriages.  We know we will grieve each in our own way and we will each give each other permission to do that.  Graham is so strong and is leading our family through this.  I pray for protection of Isaac's heart and mind.  He is both smart and sensitive.

Isaac makes us laugh so much.  Yesterday there was a little mishap in the washroom and Graham kept calling me but I was downstairs at my brother's home and no one heard.  Isaac finally said to Graham, "Mommy can't hear you.  When you finish wiping me, I'll stay here and you can go and find Mommy."  Oh how we love that boy!  I can't imagine going through this without Isaac to hold and tickle and kiss and laugh with.  Isaac's name means, "He will laugh."  Lord, you knew what we would need.  Thank You for Your faithfulness. 

It was so good to be in church today.  It was good to raise my hands and praise God with tears streaming down my face.  It was good to have congregation members stand around us and pray for us.  I've always said that God is good but I'm so happy to know that I can sing and proclaim honestly that "God is good ALL the time" even after the death of my dear son.  God, You gave Your only son because you loved us so much.  It is because of Jesus' death and resurrection that Josiah can live and we can know with assurance that we will see him again, though the waiting will be hard, it will be anguish.  "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning" (Psalm 30:5).  We know that "the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness" (Lamentations 3:22-23).

We were sent the following song from very early on in this journey, quite possibly from before Josiah was even born.  I don't think I posted it before but perhaps I did.  I think I was saving it up.  This is Matt Redman's "Never Once."

Tomorrow morning we'll meet with a funeral director at Erb & Good.  We expect the funeral will be Thursday morning but we'll confirm the details tomorrow on the blog.   We hope to visit the cemetery after that.  It feels good that this process won't feel too rushed as I always envisioned it would be.  Josiah's body was transferred to SickKids today for an autopsy tomorrow.  Due to the weekend and the autopsy, things are taking a little longer and I feel good about that.  God knows what we need.

Graham and I are so grateful for the opportunity to be Josiah's parents.  

Thank you so much for your prayers, comments, and emails.  We need you.  Please pray that we will grieve well and be able to sleep.  Please also pray for the extended family, especially Josiah's incredible grandparents who loved him so well.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 127:2b - For He grants sleep to those He loves.