We often refer to her as "Baby" or "Baby Girl". That seems weird to use those terms as a name when talking to her or referring to her, more often than her real name. I feel like it might be related to losing Josiah (what's a better word? I didn't lose him!). But, maybe it's third (fourth) baby syndrome as I am constantly calling Isaac Kohen and vice versa.
I think I mentioned before that one of my favourite things is nursing Lily-Anna (and the others when they were babies) on the comfy chair in the dark before bed and nap time. So peaceful. As soon as I start there's a relief of tension. One of my other favourite things is after I nurse her and she's asleep on my chest and shoulder, facing me. I give the softest cheek a kiss and whisper my love. I remember once telling someone that I nursed Isaac to sleep and she immediately said that I should never put a baby to sleep in a crib after they are sleeping but I should instead keep them awake so they learn to fall asleep themselves. I am very thankful I didn't hear this advice earlier or choose to follow this advice as I am sad that some people miss the amazing wonder of a perfect sleeping baby on one's chest. Yes, she's perfect when she's asleep. So many beautiful moments to cherish. I am always tempted to just let her sleep there but there's always something I should be doing. I am realizing that this time passes so quickly.
I have often thought that the medical staff should have really encouraged me to give a bottle to Josiah right away at home and also a soother as both of those things may have possibly brought him some comfort in the hospital. I was so proud of him for learning to nurse. He only ever took a little of my milk from one bottle that Grandma gave him, apart from the first couple of days in the hospital. Actually, it's only at this present moment that I realize it wouldn't have made any difference as he was intubated for so long so I don't think those things could have helped. Instead, I have my memories of nursing him. God gave me a gift of an extra nursing session after he went into the hospital for his long stay. A few days after we arrived, he was extubated for the first time and he nursed really well. The nurse checked his weight to verify and then she told me that he hardly had anything but then I asked her to check her decimal points and it turned out he'd had an enormous amount of milk. I'm now questioning if that was my only feed or if there was one more but he ended up throwing up and later desatting while at rest and was sent back to Cardiac Critical Care and was intubated, never to nurse again. Thank You Lord for the joy and blessing of being able to feed my son, and not having to have the stress of bottles amongst all the other stresses of those early months. You give good gifts Lord.
***
I heard Isaac laughing loudly in his room after he and Kohen had gone to bed. I then heard Kohen laughing as well. After a while I heard the following:
Kohen - Isaac?
Isaac - Yes?
Kohen - Why are we laughing, Isaac?
***
Sadly, we have neglected Isaac's financial training. The other day Isaac emptied his piggy bank (actually a Noah's ark bank). He said, "Look! This one shows Elizabeth! Queen Elizabeth is on it." He was quite excited.
***
I've actually done some reading of late. I read the one to help me cry but it wrecked me. I definitely cried. (SPOILER ALERT! Do NOT read the following if you want to read or see "Light Between Oceans" and be surprised!) The idea of having to give up your four year old child to let someone else be their mother and the thoughts of what that would do to the child ... and then to read that the child ended up adapting fine and not remembering much of the first four years .... It's fictional but I can't decide if I should see the movie as the idea of having to go through that is incomprehensible to me. Why is having my own baby die totally normal to me and not tear-inducing or incomprehensible?
For the same reason I read Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking" and I'm almost finished "Blue Nights" which I needed to read after I found out that her daughter had also died. "The Year of Magical Thinking" reminded me what I was doing the first year after Josiah's death - thinking and remembering and trying to remember everything, all the time. It's no wonder I don't have many memories of Kohen as a small child. Thankfully I look back at photos and some videos and see and remember that he's always been a happy boy (okay, after he stopped his loud crying in the early months - that I cannot forget!)
Didion writes about grief: "We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself." No - not for me. Thankfully, because of Jesus there is meaning and there will be reunion. There was a purpose. Good will come out of bad. I trust in Jesus' love.
I'm also reading, "First, Kill all the Marriage Counsellors" by Laura Doyle. I'm not thrilled with the title and I haven't read it all so I'm not sure yet what I can and can't take from it (what parts go along with the Bible) but I do know it did a great job explaining the various ways I try to control Graham and thus how I am disrespectful. I want someone to read it so I can discuss it so I've told a couple of friends about it. I would love Graham and I and others in my life to be the beneficiaries of me learning to not try to control others. I'm at least noticing it more when I'm doing it! I think that's a start. I would love to be more respectful.
It's good timing to read this book as I am also facilitating the Bible study in our small group tomorrow night on 1 Peter 3 which opens with, "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands." I fully agree with submission and believe it is a beautiful thing (and easier said than done sometimes) but from reading some of John Piper's sermons on these verses, I see how amazing it is. Looking at the verses you'll see that it starts with women who hope in God. Because we hope in God (and thus trust Him), we can be absolutely fearless. Because we are fearless we don't have to try to control our husbands or have our way all the time but we can do good works and bless our husbands, including submitting to them. It sounded better in the sermon. It actually refers to women who "do not fear anything that is frightening (verse 6)." How incredibly freeing that would be. I fear lots of things. In Blue Nights Didion wrote about how after having a child she started to fear so many things (that could possibly hurt that child). I fully agreed with her ... and then remembered that I shouldn't be afraid of all of those things. Instead, my hope and my trust needs to be in God. And my heart says, "Yes, but already three of the seeds of your womb are with God and not with you. Another could be taken." (That would be me talking in third person about my ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage and death of Josiah.) Job said, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." I need to set my heart and mind on God who is worthy of praise and can be fully trusted. This life is such a small dot compared to eternity and its trials don't compare to the joy to come.
Speaking of Job, we've been listening to the audio version of the Action Bible at breakfast time the last few days. We listened to Job and it didn't seem like Isaac had heard the story before. I guess it's not usually in Children's Bibles as we have read through lots of Children's Bibles since Isaac was small. Just listening to the Bible in a different way brings new points alive.
It's great to have Graham home. He's usually the one to take Isaac to school and pick him up. He goes with Kohen to the library program and swimming and takes Isaac to his different lessons. Isaac is really enjoying skating.
Lily-Anna is waking for a feed so I'll post now and add some photos later - hopefully.
Thanks for your prayers!
Blessings,
Elizabeth
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| Isaac's piano playing is inspiring Lily-Anna |
1 Peter 3:8-12
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For "Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."
