Isaac told me tonight that when he was little he looked out our front window up at the sky to see if he could see Josiah. He couldn't. A couple of weeks ago Isaac said, "I think Josiah's happier in Heaven than he was here." I do too. Isaac told me last week that he wanted to go to Heaven and asked if we could go. He wants to know why God hasn't called us home yet.
Josiah lived for 450 days after his birth. We thank God for that time with him. As of today, I have lived without him for 450 days.
We visited Ronald McDonald House Toronto on Saturday and ate our lunch at SickKids. Isaac has asked for a while to go back to RMHT to play in the playroom so I called them up and they were happy to accomodate. Isaac's also spoken about going to the Toronto farm that we visited while we stayed there so we were planning to do that as well but Isaac just wanted to play at RMHT. He played for a long time in the small play room and then outside on the playground that looks like a fire truck. It was a beautiful day and happily it included some Thai food for supper. You can't go wrong with panang curry.
Isaac is Mr. Observant. We were at an event in August at which most of the other women and girls were more dressed up than I was. I was helping him in the washroom and he asked me, "Where's your dress?" He has also recently realized that we have the smallest home of those he has visited. I was putting him to bed one night and he asked why our house isn't bigger. I was explaining to him how God provided our home and how we are so thankful for it and how I am able to stay home, etc. He told me he wants a huge house. He would have more fun in a bigger house. He would play more. I said that perhaps he would have a bigger house when he's my age.
I love walking Isaac to and from school. Thankfully the weather has been amazing. I was crunching leaves underfoot this morning. I love that sound! Each morning Isaac tells me that he doesn't want to go to school and then when I pick him up at lunch time he tells me that he had a wonderful morning. I've been able to volunteer with the class once and also do a couple of odd jobs for the teacher at my home. I like being part of this school community. I've been able to meet a few other moms as we wait for the kids to go inside. I've been encouraging Isaac to be a "Friendly Faulkner" to his classmates.
Graham and I both started attending Bible studies a few weeks ago. I googled "Women's Bible Study Kitchener" and found one not too far from where we live. It's been nice to meet some people there and I'm thrilled to be part of a study again. I'm also thankful that mine starts at 9:30 (Graham's study is at 6:30!)
I found Kohen's first tooth last week! It hasn't seemed to bother him very much. He's officially sitting up now. I like being able to leave him sitting with his toys.
Isaac has recently started drawing a lot more. It's such fun watching him grow and develop. I hope he always makes us stories. He told us the other day that he took Kohen with him to collect frogs in the tropical rainforest. Kohen was stung by a beetle that went into his heart and made it cold. The beetle didn't sting Isaac because it doesn't sting doctors (Isaac was a doctor). Isaac used his saw to get the beetle out of Kohen's heart.
Isaac told me that he and Bearamiah (one of his bears) went to see Pharoah in Egypt to make him happy. "Bearamiah sang The Lord is My Shepherd. I sang with him because I know the words so if he forgot some, I could help him."
The last few weekends we've actually been somewhat energetic. We've flown a kite for the first time with Isaac (at the cemetery) and gone for walks with Isaac on his bike. I'm happy to say that we've had homemade pizza two Fridays in a row and they tasted much better the second week. Isaac likes looking in the bread maker and putting on the toppings.
It was so wonderful to have a cousin visiting from Northern Ireland. Oh how I wish we lived closer to so many people.
Every so often Kohen will cry a lot and it will be hard to get him to stop. That takes me back to when we couldn't get Josiah to stop crying. For a split second I think maybe something's wrong with Kohen that wasn't found in the echo. Perhaps his oxygen saturation level is lower than it should be. I don't want to lose another child. I'm not sure if I'll be brave enough (strong enough) to do real sleep training with Kohen as that would involve a lot of crying (at least it did with Isaac). He goes down fairly well so maybe we'll get away without it.
Thank you for your prayers.
Blessings,
Elizabeth
Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their
eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the
old order of things has passed away.
Isaac has started school! Last Tuesday, Graham, Isaac and I went to meet Isaac's teacher for an interview and then Isaac started school on Wednesday morning. I had a letter waiting at his seat at the kitchen table before school started as my mom always wrote us a letter on the first day of school. He liked his letter and then immediately told me that when Chippy and Skippy got their letters they had French words. I think I said in the last post that Isaac likes to make up words. I forgot to mention that he often tells me that the words are French or Thai words.
We were told to take a family photo to school to be displayed. We let Isaac choose which photo he wanted. He chose one which included Josiah's headstone.
I told Isaac that there would be a nice surprise waiting for him when we returned home from school at lunch time. He walked into his room to find a new Thomas the Tank bedspread, sheets and curtains. He's not a big fan of surprises or change so I was taking a little risk but I was pretty sure he'd love it and he does. His favourite part of school was "lunch".
Waiting for the bell!
I'm looking forward to seeing how he does with a whole week of school. I'm so glad we're not sending him all day which would be 9:10 - 3:30. I pick him up around 12:00 PM after he eats his lunch. He told me that he's making friends who aren't in his Sunday School class. I'm excited for him and this new adventure. I'd love to be a fly on the wall.
The other day Isaac went somewhere with Graham so he kissed me good-bye and then said, "Mommy, will you take care of Kohen for me?" I assured him that I would. Isaac is quite affectionate with Kohen and a great helper.
Isaac told me this past week that there's a "fan in Heaven." I pointed to the standing fan in our living room and asked him if he meant that. He told me that it's a pretend fan and then said, "The fan in Heaven blows out God's love." Apparently Isaac has a "picture making machine." He explained that he thinks something and the picture goes to his head. He also said that if he doesn't know a word when he's reading, he puts the light on in his head and then he can see it and read it. He certainly knows how to entertain his Mommy and Daddy.
I've been staying up too late. The other night I got out of bed to go and watch videos of Josiah, including the video of his first (and only) birthday. It's kind of bizarre watching the videos because he seems so much worse than we thought he was. So, I want more videos and yet I don't.
Death is so final in this life. The other day I looked into the backseat through my rearview mirror. Kohen's mirror only showed his feet and stomach so I couldn't see his face. It could have so easily been Josiah sitting there; he wore the same outfit many moons ago. I want to relive those memories but it doesn't work that way. I used to think that memories and photos were a way to sort of access the past but I'm only ever in the present, trying to reach back, with my access denied. He's not here in the present. I guess some people dream about their loved ones. I think that would be lovely but that's never happened for me. I haven't had any tears in ages. Crying is the only time that I feel a sense of closeness to Josiah. That's why I want to cry. I can only feel close to him during the painful tears - otherwise there's no feeling or barely any feeling.
I enjoyed reading "A Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Vanauken. He tells of the death of his wife Davy. I'm reading a little of the sequel, "Under the Mercy." He talks about what he calls:
"the Second Death, the moment when the grief comes to an end, as it must, and the tears are dried and the beloved (though no less dear) becomes remote. ... What follows the Second Death is not a sudden renewal of joy and laughter but a terrible emptiness, a hollow at the centre of one's being: one is, as C.S. Lewis wrote to me, "bereaved of the bereavement itself." There is no more sense of the beloved's presence, yet no more tears for the new loss. ... But what the typical day did not disclose and what those round me did not discern beneath my cheerful demeanour was what I've called the hollow at the centre--the Davy-shaped hollow. This should not be taken to mean grief--the traditional 'broken heart'. The tears were gone. And she was gone, not to return in this life. It was, I imagine, a bit like the loss of an arm; the loss is accepted, new ways of coping are invented, life goes on, but there is an empty sleeve. So in me the emptiness, the hollow, where once Davy had been ... a hollow that only she could fit."
Graham took the day off last Friday and we went to Centre Island and then stayed in a hotel north of Toronto. The four of us went swimming together in the pool. It felt so great to be in the pool and it was Kohen's first time.
Isaac surprised us by going on a pony at Centreville and he was very happy in the cold splashpad. He was actually doing a little dance and yelling, "I'M SO HAPPY!" and "I'M HAVING FUN!"
I realized on that trip that my mind likes to always come up with ways that things could be better (for example, if we'd packed a picnic and left earlier). I let those thoughts come into my head but then I tried to just be thankful for what was happening (thankfully we can afford to buy lunch, etc). That's something I need to practice.
Graham was watching Isaac at a McDonald's playland. Graham thought it was pretty cute that Isaac was pretending to be Jesus. Isaac told Graham that the other children were his disciples. Thankfully he didn't tell the children that they were his disciples!
Kohen had his six-month shots last week. Thankfully he has chunky thighs because he didn't even notice the needle! He's now had rice cereal, carrots, sweet potato, and banana. Tomorrow he'll have squash. It's been fun using the blender to make his food. He's not a fan of bibs. He's getting better at waving.
Apparently it's Grandparent's Day today! Our family plus two of our lovely nieces and the four grandparents all went on the train from Waterloo to St. Jacobs yesterday. It was fun to be together.
