Goodbye 2013

Isaac woke up happy yesterday morning, calling Mommy and Daddy.   Graham went in and asked him how he was feeling as he had been a little under the weather.  He answered, "Delicious.  I'm Mommy's cookie." 

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!  We've been enjoying our time with family.  Last week was a full week and the celebrations continue.  Tonight we'll celebrate New Year's Eve with Graham's parents. We'll say goodbye to 2013 and welcome 2014, a year that Josiah will never be part of (inside our time and space), except in our hearts and minds, photos and memories. 

Christmas was nice.  Thankfully there were some tears but we were also able to enjoy the day with family.  We went to a Christian Reformed church service on Christmas morning.  I grew up going to church on Christmas Day so it was nice to be able to do that again.  The large church was packed.  Of course we sang about Jesus coming as a baby and other things that brought Josiah to mind and tears to my eyes.  I cry more easily when I'm out of my regular environment. 

Watching city workers cleaning up branches

We made it through the ice storm the Sunday before Christmas.  Church was cancelled but Graham had already decided that I wasn't to go outside and risk falling.  We just lost some branches from the trees outside our home but thankfully we didn't lose our hydro.

On the Monday before Christmas, Graham and I went to SickKids to meet with Josiah's cardiologist who reviewed the autopsy report and gave us a copy.  It was great timing to be able to receive this before the end of the year.  We are both really happy we had the autopsy done.  The cardiologist said that he recommends having one done as he thinks it helps the parents.  It was a hard decision to make at the time last July as some medical personnel advised against it as we knew of Josiah's various conditions.  I knew I wanted it done but I generally try to please people and not burden them and I knew this would cause more work and delay the funeral so I felt a little guilty.  I was able to speak to other friends who had been in this situation as well as my friend's mother who is a pathologist (God provides in every way).  Thankfully, Graham made the final decision that we should have the autopsy done.

The cardiologist said it's extremely likely that the cause of Josiah's death was his shunt.  They found his shunt to be 40-50% narrowed which means that a lot less blood was getting to his lungs to be oxygenated.  While there was no evidence of a clot, the doctor thinks a clot may have blocked the shunt, causing his death.  Graham and I had never thought about this occurring and I hadn't been able to figure out how his heart could just stop so this was really helpful to hear.

I think it's a gift from God that we just had imaging of Josiah done about a month before his death.  If we hadn't had it done, it would have been easy to think that we could have prevented this by having scans done.  The imaging did not show severe narrowing of the shunt. 

The autopsy was also able to confirm his earlier diagnoses.  Apart from God intervening, there weren't good medical options for Josiah.  While we never would have been ready to say good-bye to Josiah, God was ready to take him and we find comfort knowing that we will see him again. 

This past Sunday our church family shared a feast at church followed by a baptismal and communion service.  I love watching baptisms and hearing people's stories of how God made Himself known to them (our tradition has older children and adult baptisms and not infant baptisms).  

Bingo the Bear is dead.  Graham said he died quite a while ago but Isaac just informed me of this news last week (or perhaps I forgot).  Bingo the Bear is one of the many characters in Graham's nightly stories which he makes up with Isaac's help.  Isaac is one very blessed little boy to have new stories every night.  Isaac told me that Bingo became sick and died and now has no more tubes.

Last week was also the first time that Isaac told me he was with someone in his room.  He told me he was with a cat and then he went running down our hall and back with the cat (possibly holding his tail).  He's often pretended with his stuffed animals but I think this was the first time everything was imaginary. 

Josiah's gravesite in the snow

Isaac has told me a number of times that he doesn't like our kitchen.  The problem?  Our dishwasher should be black, not white.  Thankfully he's fine with the rest of the rooms in our home (the other rooms do not have dishwashers).  

Isaac uses one of our pillows as a "copy machine".  The other day he copied himself so that there were four Isaacs.  (I think this idea came up in one of Graham's stories).  I asked how I would feed all of the Isaacs.  Right away he copied an imaginary bowl of ice cream so that all the Isaacs had ice cream.  I asked him to copy broccoli.  He copied it for the other Isaacs but he didn't have any himself.  Apparently not even pretend broccoli is to his liking.

I just finished reading "Undaunted: Daring to do what God calls you to do" by Christine Caine and now I'm reading "Radical: Taking back your faith from the American Dream" by David Platt.  I'm very impressed that our local library had both of these books.  Both are challenging and inspiring.  Often when we're in the car together on a longer trip, I'll read to Graham.  I read part of the first book to him and I want to read the second book to him. 

I look forward to wishing you a Happy New Year in 2014.  God has been so faithful and good to us in 2013.  He has provided for us in every way.  He will continue to help us grieve our sweet Josiah.  We look forward to welcoming another son in 2014 and seeking God deeper, that our lives would glorify Him more and more.  I'm afraid I'm much better at talking about this and reading about this than doing it - may that not be true in 2014.

Thank you for all your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 73:28
But as for me, how good it is to be near God!  I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do.

Imagination

Isaac's first tie

I needed some alone time again so last Sunday I stayed home.  I went to Josiah's chair and I cried easily.  Then I slept, ate, read the Bible and my Advent book, and napped a little more before I prepared lunch.  It was nice that I didn't need a cd this time to cry.  Actually, both Graham and I were more emotional last Sunday.  We watched the Westjet Youtube video of their gift giveaway and some other emotional videos, discovering that beautiful, happy moments might actually get the tears running faster than sad videos.  

One day at lunch time I asked Isaac if he'd like to write some letters to people as he sometimes writes Graham notes on his napkins to take to work and he has sent Graham a couple of emails (he tells me what to write).  He said he would and then he said, "Let's write a prayer."  While "scribbling" on the table with the end of his spoon he said, "Dear God, Thank You for Baby Josiah in Heaven with You Jesus.  Amen." 

I'd just given Isaac two Smarties for going to the toilet by himself and then I sent him back to his room for quiet time.  He comes out of his room and walks to the living room to find me, saying that he'd like another treat.  I'm preparing to tell him no when he comes to me and says, "I want a hug from you and that will be another treat."  That boy knows how to woo his Mommy.  I gave him the hug ... and then sent him back to his room. 

Isaac told me that he wanted to grow up to be a train.  He wasn't very happy to hear that little boys don't grow up to be trains even though I assured him that he could work on one.  I don't think I stifled his imagination too much as the next day he told me he was going to grow up to be a bird. Thankfully he's also listed fire man and zoo keeper (so he can pet the lions) as potential occupations.

I love Isaac's imagination.  We made a couple of puzzles at his grandparent's home and then I said that's all they had.  He went and picked up an empty wooden container and brought it over and told me we could do that puzzle.  He "dumped out" the imaginary "pieces" which he proceeded to turn over and then we put the edge pieces together first, followed by the middle pieces - it was a puzzle of Winnie the Pooh and Eeyore, in case you were wondering.

Some days Josiah seems more like a figment of my imagination than a son who came from my womb.  

Thanks to the love and help of family, I was able to surprise Graham last night by picking him up from work without Isaac and letting him know it was date night.  We went out for dinner and a movie.  I can't remember the last movie we saw in a theatre so it was a very nice treat.  Isaac had a blast with his cousins and cried this morning when it was time to leave.   

Happy 45th Anniversary to my wonderful parents and to my Uncle John and Auntie Dorothy in Northern Ireland!

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Luke 2:6-7
So it was, that while they were there, the days were completed for her to be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

Thankfulness and tears

Last week in church I realized again the immense list of things to be thankful for in regard to Josiah.  I think it's only by God's incredible grace that I look back on those three and a half months in Toronto, when Josiah was at SickKids, with fond memories.  I remember the doctors, surgeons, fellows, nurses, physiotherapists, pharmacists, other parents, the incredible support, the meals, the walks back and forth, ... with a grateful heart.  Just this week we saw an uncommon name in print and Graham noted that Josiah had had an RT with that name.

We enjoyed a birthday celebration for Isaac last Sunday afternoon.  The bacon-wrapped dates filled with goat cheese seemed to turn out well.  Isaac turned 3 years old this past Wednesday.   In bed the night of his celebration, Isaac told me that Josiah would have been able to have some of his cake and also some of his cousins' cake.

I want to clarify some of my comments in last week's blog post regarding whether or not I'm isolating myself.  I'm not.  However, I'm worse than ever at returning phone calls and emails.  I not too interested in Christmas parties but I've never been much of a party girl.  I'm more of a one-on-one heart-to-heart girl or a small-group girl.  I enjoyed a movie night with one friend and coffee with another friend this week.

It's said that grief changes you.  I've talked to other parents, some of whom see very little change in themselves and others who see many changes.  My own verdict is still out.  I won't rush to make this conclusion.  I've heard and read others in my situation discuss all they've learned through the challenges.  I'm not yet sure what my list would include.   

Apparently pumpkins can last quite a while.  I roasted the pumpkin that Isaac picked from the pumpkin patch that has been sitting alternately on my dishwasher and counter.  I added it to my first risotto along with curry spice and we enjoyed it.  I've also decided that roasted broccoli is much better than steamed broccoli.  Isaac still isn't a fan of this green vegetable.  I think it may have to do with the texture.

I look at Josiah's photos or videos and say, "How is it possible that you are not here?  How is it possible that you haven't been here for five months?  How can my sweet, sweet, baby be gone?  He was such a sweet baby.  I cried the night of Isaac's party and birthday as I was sad that the boys couldn't be together.  I cried today when I realized that I'd only taken a few photos of Josiah for two minutes on the evening before he died (of course, I should be incredibly grateful - and I am - that I have photos in the days, weeks, and months before he died.)  I cried watching Youtube videos of soldiers returning home and surprising their children - oh, if only Josiah could come and surprise me.  I appreciate the tears.

I was talking to a mother recently on the first anniversary of her baby's death.  She has dreams of her baby.  I think it would be great to be able to dream about Josiah and see him in more than just a photo or video.  I wonder if it's not hard to look at his photos or videos because I still haven't really processed that he's gone and not coming back.  It's possible.

One of my friends had her baby this afternoon.  Congratulations! 

This morning Isaac called for me when he woke up.  I went in and sat down on his bed and gave him a hug.  He said, "I like you.  You are the best mommy I ever had."

Isaac's last night being two!

Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Luke 2:13-14
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying:

“Glory to God in the highest,
And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!”

Conversations with Isaac

This is Isaac's train that he is driving

Isaac:  Can we go to the hospital again?
Mommy:  What for?
Isaac:  Can we go to the hospital when the new baby dies?

***

Mommy:  (singing) "You are the potter.  I am the clay.  Mold me and make me, this is what I pray."
Isaac:  I don't want to be the potter.
Mommy: You're not, you're the clay.
Isaac: I don't want to be the clay.
Mommy:  What do you want to be?
Isaac: An amphibian.

(Background: Isaac received a book about different types of animals.  He tells me he doesn't want to be a mammal (pronounced ma'am at the time) but an amphibian.  I think he wants to be able to breath with his skin, which is a remarkable feat.  I wish Josiah had been able to breath with his skin (while still looking normal).

***

Isaac: Sometimes I pray to Jesus when I am asleep.
Mommy: What do you pray?
Isaac: I ask him to help me listen and obey.

***

Isaac: They won't work.  They are asleep.  [He is referring to his legs.  We just entered a store and he stopped walking.]
Mommy: Well, you need to tell them to wake up.
Isaac: Wake up legs!  It worked.

***

I'm reading Ann Voskamp's book, The Greatest Gift, which has daily Advent readings.  I read it out loud with Isaac when we're at the table and he's finishing his breakfast or lunch.  One of the suggested activities this week was to "create something out of your love."  I decided to ask Isaac what we should make.  He said we could draw a picture of a green apple (we were eating red apples at the time).  I asked him who we should give it to.  He said, "Baby Josiah."  Isaac "drew" a picture of an apple tree with a green apple and then I wrote on it the message that he wanted.  At the end, we prayed that Jesus would show Josiah the picture.

Isaac pretending he is a donkey

I am excited about Advent.  I've never celebrated or practiced Advent before.  I'm hoping this helps to prepare our hearts for Christmas.  We have a wooden wreath with 24 holes.  Each night Isaac moves the candle forward one hole and moves a wooden Mary on the donkey beside the candle.  Graham usually reads some Bible verses and then we pray. 

We put up the Christmas tree on Friday night.  This is the less than $10 Christmas tree we found at Value Village for our first married Christmas nine years ago.  The base is having a few issues so we actually used some thread to tie and hold the tree upright.  Perfect.

In front of the memory tree at The Coping Centre

I went to McMaster Hospital for a fetal echocardiogram on Thursday.  They checked for any major heart defects and they didn't find any so we thank God for the good news.

Thursday evening, the three of us went to a Christmas grief memorial at The Coping Centre where we've done our group sessions with other bereaved parents.  It was nice to be able to take Isaac.  In addition to a gift for each of us, there was an ornament with Josiah's name on it that we placed on lit trees outside the Centre (a beautiful century home on the Grand River).  It was nice to see some of the others from the group.  Isaac was most excited about his cupcake. 

We are anticipating a good Christmas season.  One piece of advice that has been given to us is to decrease the to-do list.  We delegated a lot of the gift buying and I think we've decided not to do Christmas cards.  If we did cards, we'd want to do a photo card and it would be a little difficult to make these without Josiah in the photo.  We may just continue the tradition that we started last year with Easter photo cards.  We should have a baby in arms then for the family photo.  We'll see if this turns out to be feasible. 

Elizabeth and Isaac with Josiah's ornament on the memory tree

We received very exciting news this week.  As of December 1, Graham is now a permanent full-time employee at the University of Waterloo as a Web Developer/Programmer in the library.  He's been there on contract for nearly two years and this job has been such a blessing from God in so many ways.  The job was advertised and he applied and was interviewed and hired.  Graham started working at the library just as we were finding out that our baby in utero (Josiah) would have many challenges.  From Day 1, Graham's collegues have been incredibly supportive to our family.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading Bread & Wine: a love letter to life around the table with recipes, by Shauna Niequist.  I made mango chicken curry as well as enchiladas this week and I'm hoping that the bacon-wrapped dates filled with goat cheese are as good as she claims.  They are prepped in my fridge and we'll try them tomorrow.  It's quite relaxing to split dates and fill them with goat cheese with the hope of beautiful deliciousness tomorrow. 

So, I'm staying up far too late most nights.  I'm keeping occupied (read: preoccupied, distracted).  Someone suggested that our home must be so clean but that is not what I'm spending much time on.  Actually, I've received a few comments that seem to suggest that people think I'm isolating myself.  I wouldn't say this is happening any more than usual with my introverted preferences.  Isaac and I are often out and we are happy to see people.  I do know that I'm enjoying my Isaac time and as much as I will welcome this new baby with open arms, I know I will also miss one-on-one time with Isaac.  I wasn't prepared for that the first time around with Josiah (and Isaac was so young and Josiah had lots of extra challenges requiring more of me) so at least I'm going into it with open eyes this time. 

It's now been over five months since Josiah passed away.  Since the beginning it seemed like it had been a million years since I had last held Josiah, and it still does.  However, (and I'm not sure if my words will adequately express what I'm trying to say), it's not the same with my grief.  It doesn't seem like time has passed for my grieving.  I haven't processed his death yet just because five months have gone by and I'm not "moving on" as someone wondered.  It doesn't seem like five months in that sense - it seems like no time at all.    

Okay - I can't put off sleep much longer.  Thank you for your prayers!  Friends of my in-laws stopped me in the store this week and told me that they've read the blog all along.  People are so kind to do that.  It means a lot.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Genesis 21:6
God has brought me laughter.

A good week

It's been a good week.  I needed to look at my calendar to remember what I had done.  I spent time with some friends; I baked squares; my cousin who lives in Switzerland treated me to lunch; I was able to see my aunt and uncle who now live only an hour away (I grew up with one aunt, uncle, and cousin in Canada and they always lived about four hours away); Graham, Isaac, and I went out for yummy schwarma; Isaac was able to see all of his grandparents; and I've finally given away the box of diapers we bought just before Josiah passed away (I didn't have an inner need to keep them, it's just another thing I didn't get around to doing until this week).

I should have noted in the post last week that we're not concerned with how Isaac is processing Josiah's death.  In fact, we are happy that he brings up Josiah.  Our counsellor thought it was great that he is having fantasies about being with Josiah.  This week I was at a store with Isaac and I put him in one of those shopping carts in which there is a steering wheel for him to use.  There are actually two steering wheels.  He told me that Josiah was sitting beside him and he kept bringing him up.  After about ten minutes he said, "I miss Baby Josiah."

One night this week Graham was out at a meeting when I was putting Isaac to bed (we usually tag team).  After praying with Isaac I asked him if he wanted me to sing to him or just say good-night.  He wanted me to tell him stories like Daddy.  I told him that Daddy would tell him stories the following night.  Isaac replied that he would teach me how to tell stories like Daddy.  So, he started off a story about Isaac and a wolf and then after a couple of sentences he said, "It's your turn."  Isaac seems to like teaching.  He's excited about what he'll teach his new "brother on the way". 

One night this week I was reading back in the blog from Josiah's last days of June through to the middle of July.  I had realized when we found out that I was pregnant that one reason we didn't get the B&B room I wanted in June was so that I would not be in a jacuzzi ("they" say not to go in jacuzzis when you are pregnant) but looking back at the blog and pictures I also realize that we went to a toy store that night and bought toys for the boys that we wouldn't have bought had we been able to stay at the B&B.  One of those toys brought both Josiah and Isaac lots of joy and we like remembering Josiah's laughter when we make noise with it even now.  We had those toys just one week before Josiah passed away. 

Tonight I've spent time looking at photos of Josiah from his birth until he passed away. I was reminded of those first precious three and a half months at home.  They were still challenging months, especially with his reflux (I have a much better appreciation for nursing mothers dealing with a baby's reflux - it's very stressful when you want and need to feed your child).  I was reminded again of what a different baby Josiah was before and after his surgeries.  I recognized the immense trauma that Josiah went through to some extent (I think I was immune to this when we were at the hospital).  His precious body went through a war.  It's just so wonderful and incredible that we were able to take him home and we had him there with us for over seven months and he improved so much (in some ways).  We thank God for these incredible gifts.  I'm so thankful that Isaac has good memories of his brother and that we have pictures of the boys together. 

Last Sunday, November 24 on our drive home from church I was asking Isaac about his Sunday School lesson.  It was about Elisha and his helper who "couldn't see God" as Isaac explained it.  Isaac said that God was always around us.  We chatted about this and then I asked him where Jesus lives.  He said in Heaven and I told him that Jesus can also live inside us.  We talked about what this means (because he first told me that Jesus doesn't live inside people) and then when we arrived home he said, "I don't want Jesus to live inside me."  We left it at that.  Later that night after Graham told Isaac some stories, Isaac said, "Jesus doesn't live in me."  Graham talked to Isaac about this and asked Isaac if he wanted to pray with him to ask Jesus to "live in his heart."  Isaac said he wanted to pray with Graham to ask Jesus to live inside him.  He prayed after Graham.  For months and months Isaac has refused to pray at any meals or before bed (he closes his eyes and puts his hands together but he won't actually pray himself like he used to when he was younger).  It was quite significant to me that he actually wanted to say words to God himself.  He still doesn't want to pray now but he's been happy to tell people that he prayed with his Daddy.  First he was saying that he "asked Jesus into his tummy" but now he says "heart."  I wasn't in the room with them so they came and Isaac told me what he'd done and then he said that he would be baptized to follow Jesus.  We'll be waiting a while before that happens but I'm excited that he'll be able to see a baptismal service at the end of December at our church.   

Thank you for your prayers!  Neither Graham nor I slept well last night.  I decided to get up at 5:00 to read so I'm hoping we sleep better tonight.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

John 17:22 (Jesus praying)
I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one.  I am in them and you are in me.  May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me.

Romans 5:5
And this hope will not lead to disappointment.  For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

One year ago

Last Sunday morning I awoke at Graham's parent's home to the sound of Isaac at 5:30 AM.  I went to this room and cuddled in beside him, trying to keep him quiet.  After a while, his little hands examined my face in the dark and his small voice said, "Beauuutiful Mommy."  Okay, you can wake me up for this.

Grandma and Grandpa F. have a baby doll at their house with all their other toys.  Isaac took the baby to the hospital (the kitchen) where it died.  He later told me that Jesus healed the baby so he could take it home.  I said it would have been nice if that had happened to Josiah but I reminded him that we wouldn't be able to take Josiah home.  He said that we would be able to.  Isaac has talked about missing Josiah quite a lot this week.  Today his "baby Thomas train" died and the other trains were sad because they wouldn't see him again.  He had gone to the train hospital.  We talked about how this was sad and then he told me that he missed Baby Josiah.  We discussed what we would do if Josiah was with us in the living room.

One morning this week Isaac hid just as Graham was about to leave to catch the bus for work.  Graham joked, "I know you're sad to say goodbye to Daddy, but ..."  Isaac came out of his hiding spot and said right away, "I'm not sad.  I'm happy to be with Mommy."  Sweet boy! 

We saw our counsellor again this past Tuesday.  He said he'd read an article recently that stated how difficult it is for those who are 'socialized to not cry', to then cry.  It's not difficult if one is surprised by something that makes them cry.  That has been my experience.

We had our last session at the Coping Centre.  Actually, they have a follow up group about grief and spirituality that we would like to go to but it won't work out with the timing of our baby's arrival. 
We enjoyed a delicious potluck meal together. 

I have now transferred from my family doctor to my OB.  He hasn't been my OB before but he was the doctor on call when I was in labour with Isaac so he delivered him. I was planning to ask him about getting an echocardiogram for this baby but I forgot.  He brought it up himself so one will be scheduled in the next few weeks.  There's no reason for concern as the ultrasound showed everything to be fine but an echo should give a much better look of the heart and it makes sense given Josiah's heart defects. 

It's easier to go the grocery store now but I miss the challenge.  This week I purposely walked down the baby food aisle and looked at the Crunchies I used to buy Josiah and I stopped by the Greek yogurt drink instead of avoiding it.  I wanted to remember and feel some pain.

It seems amazing to me that it was a year ago this past week that we brought Josiah home from his more than three and a half month stay at SickKids.  It was Thursday, November 22, 2012 that we made the trek.  There are lots of memories.  I'm so thankful we chose not to come home with the morphine pump and that the picc line was only in for one more month. 

It's time to go to bed.  Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 100:4-5
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name. For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting, And His truth endures to all generations.

Bracing myself

Isaac watching Grandpa F. mow the lawn

We're happy to be spending time with Graham's brother from out west this weekend.

Isaac often returns to a recurring theme of wanting to be a baby.  His common refrain:  "Please let me be a baby again."  Earlier this week I asked him why he wants to be a baby.  He told me that he wanted to go to the hospital and die.  I asked him why he wanted to die and his answer was about seeing Josiah.   We then chatted about various things.  I reminded him about Josiah's sick heart and his own healthy heart and explained that most babies do not die.  I also informed him that he would need two naps if he were a baby again and he didn't like that idea. 

I was watching videos of Josiah again this week.  We are so thankful for all the progress he made since returning home from his long stay in the hospital.  However, in some ways he didn't progress much at all though I'm not sure this was evident to us at the time.  I do wonder how much he would have and could have learned.  Thankfully he mastered his beautiful smile. 

Graham and I enjoyed showing Josiah's slide show at the Coping Centre this week.  It was good to see the photos of the others whom we've heard about for weeks.  We have our last session this week; we're having a potluck dinner together.  We're really going to miss going each week. 

I was able to cry a little more this week.  I cried after seeing his birth certificate in a folder and his SIN card which he'll never use.  I remember saying one time while crying, "Why take my baby and then give me another one?"  I'm thankful I was able to get pregnant before Josiah passed away.  We had been trying for a while and God had perfect timing. 

I woke up early one morning and thought about how I seem to be bracing myself for something bad to happen.  I haven't thought about that before and it's not that I'm telling myself to brace but I think that's what I'm doing.  I think I wonder if something negative will happen during this pregnancy.  I type this as the baby is kicking me to let me know he's there.  It reminds me a little of being in labour with Isaac.  He was transverse and I remember being in such pain in my back and my thigh at the same time.  The wonderful nurse told me a few times to "release."  I think she meant for me to release my tension.  I finally said (a little loudly), "I don't know how to release!"  It annoys me a little when I read in the grief books or hear people talk about making the brave choice to grieve and feel the pain and cry.  If I knew how to do this at will, I would.  I still haven't learned how to release! 

Actually, I was excited to read in one grief booklet that writing to the person who has passed away can help bring the tears.  So, I took out my journal of letters to Josiah that I started before he was born, only to see and remember that I've already written to Josiah a number of times since his death.  It also struck me that I haven't yet written to our baby boy on the way yet.  Actually, for both Isaac and Josiah we took weekly pregnancy photos to see me getting bigger.  We finally took our first pregnancy photo this week.  By the way, the pregnancy is going well.        

In terms of "bracing myself," these thoughts reminded me of a previous post in May when I said I felt that I was sitting on the edge of a chair thinking, "He could die.  He could die.  He could die." so that I wouldn't be surprised.  At that time I said I needed to trust God more.  Perhaps I am still on the edge of my seat.  One would hope that I would learn and grow from all of this.  I'm trusting our counsellor and just giving my grief time.   

Graham is already asleep beside me so I'd better put out the light.  We're not at home so I don't have access to some of our photos so I just have the one photo that Graham took here tonight of Isaac watching his Grandpa F. mow the lawn.

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him, 

And He shall direct your paths.

Lots of memories

Happy 11/12/13!!!

We're trying to get over our most recent round of colds.  

Last week and this week hold lots of memories.  It struck me that Josiah only lived through one August, September, and October and he was never outside for any of those months (of course, his lack of fresh air was the least of his problems.)  One year ago last week was when Josiah's cardiologist met with me to tell me that Josiah was no longer eligible for the surgeries he would need and most likely wasn't eligible for a transplant.  

One year ago today (on the Tuesday) Graham and I met with a medical team who confirmed the dismal prognosis and all agreed we should take Josiah home on palliative care.  I've listened to the songs that meant a lot to us last year and remembered the conversations and fears.  The memories don't bring tears. 

Graham saw this link to an article about how the church can help those who are grieving.  We both appreciated reading it and we're also thankful for the wonderful support we've received from our church family.

Twice last week I heard how serious Isaac is.  This is how he is in groups out in public (not how he acts at home).  He needs to take everything in and process it.  When all the other children were hopping like bunnies, Isaac just watched with a straight face.  Even at the pool he's not quite ready to let go of Daddy's hands to jump into his arms.  I'm so proud of him and all the things he can do but I find it interesting (and perhaps a little sad) that at his age I already want him to jump like a bunny because that's what everyone else is doing.  I'm not quite sure if it's for his sake or my sake.  A friend is reading a book that discussed how we often feel that we need to make apologies for introverts rather than fully valuing their unique characteristics.   

Isaac helped me collect branches to make Ann Voskamp's Thanksgiving Tree.  Each day we take a leaf off the tree and read the verse and then write on the back what we're thankful to God for.  We now have a chart on Isaac's wall for his bedtime routine.  I think it's helped him to focus and he likes to check off what he's done (with help) and tell us what's next.  Mommy's night time singing has now officially been replaced by Daddy's stories.  The librarian asked at story time for favourite stories (referring to actual books) and Isaac told me that his favourite stories were Chippy and Skippy. 

Isaac and I were playing outside on a cold day last week (well, he was playing more than I was).  I thought it would be fun to share some hot chocolate when we came inside.  Isaac was a fan.

At the dinner table the other day Isaac was just talking about various things when he told us, “Bob’s middle name is not 'The'.” (referring to Bob the Builder).   

We had a lovely visit with friends from out of town on Sunday.  

It’s memory night at our group session tomorrow evening.  Each couple will share photos and stories of their child who has passed away. We’re looking forward to showing pictures of Josiah.  

I have a list of items in my head that I would like to try to make.  I’ve now made cake pops.  It was all going well until it was time to dip them in chocolate and decorate them.  That was not my forte.  I had decided that I probably wouldn’t make them again but I think it would be easier the second time so I might try again with Christmas colours.  I enjoyed eating them.  

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

John 3:16

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Getting behind the wall

Isaac and Graham had a Daddy-son date this morning.  They went out for breakfast and stopped by Josiah's graveside and then went to the pet store and looked at the animals.  I had a perfectly lovely time at home.  I put music on and actually cleaned our home.  It felt very good to be by myself and actually accomplish something constructive.  Going out for breakfast is not high on my priority list.  I'd rather stay in my pajamas. 

I'm afraid my frugality is going to be obvious in this post.  Isaac dressed up as a chicken on Hallowe'en night last year and went to a few homes with Graham while I was with our octopus (Josiah) at SickKids.  I tried the chicken outfit on Isaac not too long ago (so it seemed) and I thought it fit so I didn't figure Isaac needed another costume.  Who wouldn't want to be a chicken two years in a row?  I think Isaac must have been wearing shorts and a t-shirt at the time he tried on the costume.  Anyway, I took it out from the closet and found it was a size 12-24 months (Isaac will be three years old in December).  It was a little snug.  Graham and I took our cute rooster to show him off at Grandma and Grandpa's home and then we walked in the rain to a few of their neighbours.

The tears didn't hit until later that night, after Isaac had gone to bed.  I wasn't expecting them.  Had Josiah been here, I think I would have dressed him up too, even just for a photo.  He would have been a cute chicken.  I'm thankful for the triggers that bring the missing and the pain.

Last year Hallowe'en marked Josiah's last full day in the CCCU at SickKids.  He was moved to the step-down room on the ward on November 1.  Those last couple of days in the CCCU were nice.  I took Josiah on his first stroller rides out of the CCCU and he was actually off of oxygen for a while with good sats (for him).  We were very hopeful, still expecting a "full" recovery and then the regular future surgeries.    

Earlier this week I googled something that my friend said would make me cry.  It worked and it was helpful for then opening up that place inside where my pain hides.  I've heard talk of "walls"  that are erected to keep the pain away.  I may well have a wall but I don't know how to climb it or tear it down at will.  The video had a song about saying "Good-bye" and I said, "I don't want to say good-bye."  It seems impossible that Josiah is really gone.  Tonight I watched a video on Youtube with an amazing marriage proposal.  It hit me again - all of the things that Josiah will never get to experience (well actually, it's more about me missing out on the experience of my son doing things - Josiah is not missing these things where he is.)

I've been looking back at the old posts as well as our many photos.  I'm so thankful for both. 

Isaac told me a story by himself this week that he made up.  He started with, "Once upon a time (with slight mispronunciation) there was a boy named Isaac."  He went swimming and flying with the ducks and later he had a picnic where he ate samosas that his Grandma Lucas bought for him.  We were at the kitchen table at the time, eating samosas that we bought.   

Later, Isaac pointed to some wooden dowels he had put in one of his trucks.  He said they were log money.  I asked what the money was for and he said it was for taxes.  I asked where he learned about taxes and he said, "At school."  I'm amazed at all the things he learns at this imaginary school of his.  Perhaps he talked about taxes in Sunday School.

One of the books I read talked about the severe depression that one mother went into about five months after her son passed away.  I realized that this would not be a good time to be in depression (I'm sure there is never a good time for this but I've heard that there may be detrimental affects on a baby in a womb when an expectant mother is depressed - though I haven't researched this).  I think I'm slowly coming to terms with how I am grieving and trying to be okay with that.  The more I'm able to get behind "the wall," the more normal I feel and the closer to Josiah I feel.

Earlier this week Isaac and I were eating soup I had made.  He said that Jesus would give the soup to Josiah and he would like it.  Is it any wonder that I give that dear boy so many kisses. 

The three of us attended a funeral this week.  We talked about it with Isaac but when we arrived, he asked where Baby Josiah was.  During the funeral Graham drew a picture of our family to help keep Isaac occupied and of course Josiah needed to be in the picture along with the new baby called "Baby on the way".

We supposedly get an extra hour of sleeping tonight but I'm not sure if it will work out that way with Isaac so I'd better get to bed.

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 91:2
I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

Colder days

Isaac fell asleep in the swing outside this week so after letting him have some fresh air for a while I brought him inside and he slept on the loveseat.  This is a photo of him sleeping.  He said he needed his shades because it was too sunny outside but soon after I put them on he fell asleep.  

We had our last session at the farm on Monday but unfortunately I didn't have the camera.  We said good-bye to all of the animals during a scavenger hunt and enjoyed spaghetti squash from the garden for our snack.

We met Isaac's aunt and cousins at a museum on Friday and they had fun learning about trees and playing together.  Today Isaac watched his cousins skate and play hockey and later Isaac enjoyed his swimming lesson.  We bundled up this morning as the large wet snow flakes were cold but all the snow has melted.

Graham requested that we eat less meat so we've been eating more vegetarian dishes this week and we bought some mung beans tonight for a recipe I'll try this week.

Isaac received two lovely books in the mail and I also received one the following day.  Isaac especially enjoyed reading about Chester Raccoon whose friend Skiddil Squirrel died.  A number of books have encouraged us to have something physical to help with memories.  Isaac likes pulling down our old photo albums and looking at them so I asked him today if he'd like his own album with pictures of Josiah and he said he would.
 
I'm "enjoying" reading stories of other people who have experienced the death of their child and learning from their grief journeys.

Thankfully my pregnancy is going fine - no issues there to my knowledge.  I see the doctor monthly and have one more visit with my family doctor before I meet my OB/GYN in late November.  It's actually the doctor who happened to be on call and delivered Isaac though he hasn't been my OB/GYN before.   

Graham has a cousin who has some recent health challenges.  We would appreciate any prayers for him and his family.

We are all currently well and looking forward to being back in church tomorrow.

A year ago today (on the Saturday), Josiah was finally extubated for the last time.  We praise God for His incredible faithfulness.

Thank you for your prayers.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 68:19
Praise the Lord; praise God our savior!  For each day He carries us in his arms.

Swimming Fun

We are at home, nursing our colds.  I wrote the following last night but then I needed to go and stay with Isaac:

Graham is feeling a little under the weather and Isaac is on his second night of Advil for his fever.  I was hoping it would also help him sleep tonight but I've been in and out over and over as he wakes up crying.  Thankfully he falls back to sleep quickly.

I didn't write last week as we were away.  We had an extra long Thanksgiving Weekend as Graham took Tuesday off of work.  We drove to Stittsville on the Friday evening to spend the weekend with my brother's family and my parents.  We arrived around 2:15 AM but thankfully Isaac slept for most of the trip.  We haven't been there for over two years as it didn't seem like a feasible trip with Josiah.  It was nice to be there again and to spend time with family.  Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

Isaac's swimming lessons started tonight (he didn't have a fever earlier today and he seemed alright).  Both he and Graham had fun in the water.  Isaac has been looking forward to it for weeks and then he became nervous this afternoon and said he didn't want to go.  He's looking forward to next week.  I wish we had figured out how to get Josiah into a pool.  It would have been nice to see him there.

I've been reading old blog posts from last October.  It reminded me of what a crazy "ride" we had there (especially for our sweet Josiah).  Sometimes I've thought back to being in the hospital and said that I should have held him more there, etc. but then I read about how unstable he was and how he often wasn't comfortable being held.  How amazing is it that we were able to do all we did with him and have him home for so long, without being intubated or needing IV access.  Thank You Lord!

I'm not "down in the dumps" or anything (though in some ways I wish I were) but I'm less inclined to write and read or talk very much and I don't feel much though I think my fuse is a little shorter than usual.  I'm more tired.  I find it harder to remember little things.  I was hoping it was getting easier to cry but it hasn't been easy of late.  I was able to cry the other day when I thought about how we didn't really get to say good-bye to Josiah while he was still with us and neither did Isaac.  Perhaps this is a blessing but I'm really big on saying goodbye.  He was gone before we knew what was happening.  By God's grace both Graham and I had a little alone time with Josiah that final morning and I sang his songs to him.

Actually, I have been reading true stories written by people who have gone through similar experiences.  It's interesting to read the different perspectives from those who consider their baby a gift from God and those who never consider God.  We would never give up those months with Josiah and we thank God for those days with him. 

I realized at the group session last week how different this would be if we didn't have Isaac.  I don't have an option to not get out of bed or not make him meals or just think about Josiah and spend time mentally processing this.  On the other hand, Isaac regularly brings up Josiah, quite a lot in the last week actually.  He still talks about wanting to go to the hospital to see Josiah.  He also wants to go to the playroom there.

For the first time, Isaac told us that his stuffed animal died "because he ate nine chocolate cakes."  We just let him talk and process but the next night he talked about children dying at a park for the same reason so I let him know that people would just get sick from eating that much cake and they might have to go to the hospital.  He assured me that the people had died. 

Isaac told his grandmother this week that he would have an extra candle on his birthday cake for Baby Josiah.  He also found a 1-year old sticker for his growth chart and wanted to put it on Josiah's wall because he was 1 year old.  Isaac likes to tell me that Josiah will run after him in Heaven and tickle him and they will laugh and laugh. 

We made Isaac a cake for being a "Potty Expert" as that is what he requested when we started retraining.  "Expert" might be a little hopeful but he's doing really well.  I asked him if he wanted to see the cake rising in the oven.  He told me it was a "Jesus Cake" as it was "rising."  Isaac's favourite name is "Bingo" so whenever he makes us a story or I ask for a name, he says, "Bingo."

We stopped at a mall so that Isaac could use the toilet on the way back from Stittsville (he told us when we were in the Express Lane on the 401 but thankfully there was a mall at the next exit and he was able to hold it.)  I put him down when we arrived at the escalator and said that Daddy would hold his hand.  He later said to me on two occasions, "When I'm bigger and Daddy is smaller I'll hold his hand on the escalator."  He is a sweet boy.

Thank you for your prayers!  The last farm program is tomorrow so I hope we're able to go.  We're going to miss it.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 65:9
Our lives are in His hands, and He keeps our feet from stumbling.

I like this song by Natalie Grant (In The End):

Kernels, wattles, and tears

I was away at a retreat this weekend with women from my church so I'm posting later than usual.  Isaac and Graham had a good time with his parents on the weekend and I had a great time away.  However, I wish I didn't have the luxury of going away on a retreat.  I wish Josiah was here to need his Mommy's care.    

I saw my doctor on Friday and he said that the ultrasound report was good.  I still don't feel the baby very much but he was moving around during the ultrasound.

Isaac and I have had a wonderful time at the farm the last two weeks.  We have one more session in a couple of weeks.  Last week we learned that each silk thread on the corn cob attaches to one kernel of corn so when picking corn at the market we should pick the one with the most silk threads if we want lots of kernels. Today we learned about chicken combs and wattles.  I confess that I have sometimes confused geese and ducks but now I know to look for a beak on a goose or a more flattened bill on a duck. 

Isaac is giving up some of his naps.  The other day he fell asleep in the car around his nap time so I put him to bed when we arrived home.  He woke up a little but said he wanted to sleep.  I heard him crying about five minutes later so I went in and he cried, "Mommy, how do I close my eyes?"   I went to him and closed his eyes for him and then he told me to leave and he went to sleep. 

Isaac's memory continues to amaze me.  This afternoon in the car he told me that he wanted to go to Ronald McDonald House.  I asked him what he missed there and he told me about playing with Snoopy (in the playroom).  He said it had a spout on it and I told him that it was a straw.  He then spoke about the cardinal on the wall outside (it was attached to the wall outside and we used to look at the big mural).  I'm sure we haven't spoken about the cardinal since we were there.  He was last there last November before he turned two years old!  I remember a social worker telling us that kids don't usually have memories at that age but memories can occur if there is a lot of feeling about something.

I received a lovely necklace from a beautiful stranger this week.  There was a package in the mailbox from someone who has been praying for us.  She had the necklace made with Josiah's name and the dates of his birth and death.  I am very touched that she would do this for me and it means a great deal to me.  At the moment I'm still wearing my Josiah necklace that I've worn since he passed away (I had this when he was alive as I have a different necklace that I wear for Graham, each of the boys and the baby we lost) but I look forward to wearing this new necklace when I'm ready.

I think I cried three times this week.  It hit me during the singing time at church, during our group session, and also during one of the singing times at the retreat.  At our group session this week we spoke about Josiah's final moments.  I cried because I wished I had been able to really mourn for Josiah at his passing.  I understand why I couldn't but I can still grieve the loss of not being able to mourn then.  However, a couple of the stories from others made me realize that my being able to feel in control of my emotions was also a blessing in some ways.  One family felt blessed to have lots of people all around them and in their home but both Graham and I knew this would not have felt like a blessing to us.  Another family had others make a lot of the decisions that needed to be made but it was important to us to make these decisions ourselves (though we are very thankful for all the advice and wisdom we received from others).  I'm so thankful that God showed me these unseen blessings.  He knows what we need.

Josiah has been gone for over three months now.  How can it be that he is no longer here?  I wrote this on Saturday night:

In the intimacy of worshiping my Lord and God, He gives me the gift of tears.  He lets me feel close to Josiah through the pain of missing him.  I rock side to side to the music and remember holding him in my arms - my empty arms that long to hold, love, and protect him.  When I sing about the cross, I remember Josiah's suffering before his death.  Don't pray for my heart to be healed - pray for it to be broken deeply and fully.  Through the pain and tears healing will come. 

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 84:6
When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
    it will become a place of refreshing springs.
    The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.

We're thrilled to announce ...

... that Isaac is having another little brother!!!

We found out the great news during an ultrasound yesterday.  We were also able to see four beautiful heart chambers on the screen.  The sonographer didn't raise any concerns.  I see my doctor this Friday when I hope to hear the full report.

Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

James 1:17
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

Chippy and Skippy

Happy

I went to wake up Isaac one morning and found him singing songs.  He had taken tunes we knew and changed some of the words to go with stories we had read.  I make up songs for him all the time and his Grandpa Lucas is never at a loss for a new song so I'm glad he's inherited some Northern Irish blood.

It was apple day at the farm on Monday.  We picked apples in the orchard and then fed them to the pigs (Peanut Butter, Jam, Charlotte, Petunia, and Ziggy).  We made apple pancakes and an apple craft and listened to a story.  Fun times. 

Pumpkin patch

We've been eating more vegetables this week.  We discovered we are big fans of curried lentil cakes.  I bought ground almonds for the first time for that recipe as well as capers for another recipe. 

This afternoon we met with others from our church at a pumpkin farm.  Isaac enjoyed the hay ride and he was happy to find a small pumpkin to pick.  He was not happy to have to leave. 

Isaac has been thoroughly enjoying the adventures of Chippy and Skippy (originally intended to be a chipmunk and a squirrel but Isaac decided they are both squirrels) as well as Bingo the Bear.  Graham's amazing story-telling abilities have helped calm Isaac at bedtime.  Isaac loves to retell parts of the stories with his eyes big and wide, so excited.

I had one relatively good cry this week.  I just sat on the chair in his room and repeated, "He's not coming back."  I was tempted to pretend this week that he was just out on a walk with his nurse and he would be coming back soon.  I actually had a slight headache for the remainder of the day which is very odd for me.  I was happy to be mourning.

Hay wagon ride

Our group session went well this week (Graham's dessert choice was picked - cherry cheese cake).  I felt more comfortable and found areas in which I related to some of the other participants. 

I'm enjoying reading "Surprised by Hope."  It's not a difficult read but it's written by a theologian/academic so in presenting his arguments he explains the history and context of various views compared to what he presents as the Biblical view.  Here is one excerpt:  "In much Western piety, at least since the Middle Ages, the influence of Greek philosophy has been very marked, resulting in a future expectation that bears far more resemblance to Plato's vision of souls entering into disembodied bliss than to the biblical picture of new heavens and new earth."

Ziggy eating an apple from Isaac

Thank you for your prayers! 

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 119:133
Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me.

Reading

It's been a good week.  Isaac and I had such a nice time at the farm on Monday.  He fed grain to goats and Petunia the potbellied pig.  We also picked tomatoes in their garden and made delicious fresh salsa.  

Graham and I had our third counselling session on Tuesday.  We'll go back for a check-in at the end of October.  It's always very helpful.  We started our 10-week bereaved parents group and we're looking forward to returning.  They serve dessert at the end of each session so that asked each person to tell them their favourite dessert. 

I've been reading A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis.  It's been interesting to read his thoughts as he processed his grief after the death of his wife.  I also just started "Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church" by N.T. Wright.  I've only read a few chapters but I think it's going to help shape my understanding of what the Bible says about the time between death and the resurrection.  I am excited about that possibility.

A friend asked me today why this is important to me (my paraphrase).  There are a number of reasons.  I think truth is important.  I don't yet know if this is one of those subjects in which I will eventually be able to confidently assert what I believe the Bible says.  I hope I will be more knowledgeable after more study.  I remember asking someone about this long before Josiah passed away because I knew things would be said at a funeral if he died and I knew I would need to say something and wanted to only say things I believed.  I also knew we would tell Isaac something and wanted to be okay with that as well.  I've just read some Scriptures that don't seem to align with popular ideas of what happens at the time of death.  I've read and perused a number of books now but they don't even address the Scriptures that cause me to question.

Anyway, I'll do some more research.  One of the main reasons why this is important to me is because I'd love to be able to picture what's happening with Josiah or his soul/spirit right now.  I know where his physical body rests and I know that we'll ultimately be together again but with my confusion about the Scriptures it's sort of like I have no idea where my baby is or at least what state he is in.  I hope after studying this I will be able to have more peace.  Others have certainly seemed confident that they know Josiah is currently experiencing joyous life in heaven.  We'll see what I end up thinking after some more study.     

This is a little random but I like this quotation from C.S. Lewis that I recently read:  "What do people mean when they say, 'I am not afraid of God because I know He is good?'  Have they never even been to a dentist?"

I've been able to have some nice visits with friends this week.  I've also been reading my entries for the last weeks of Josiah's life.  It's a blessing to be able to read about his days and see his smiles. 

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

1 Corinthians 15:51-54
⁵¹ Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— ⁵² in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. ⁵³ For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. ⁵⁴ When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”^[h]

Fun at the farm

The other morning I awoke to the sound of Isaac crying just before 7:00 AM.  I went into his room and he told me that a frog was trying to catch a fly and the fly was in his hair and it was hurting him.  "It wasn't a dream," he told me.   I couldn't find the frog or fly.

Isaac and I had a wonderful time at the farm and I'm excited that we get to go there every Monday for five more weeks.  We met all of the animals, made some tasty cookies using squash, had craft time, went to the garden to see the squash growing, ate our cookies and said goodbye.  The tractor was broken but I think we may have a wagon ride this week.  We'll also be learning more about chickens and eggs.  Isaac didn't want to touch the chicken at first but then he found his nerve.  It's great to see him trying new things.  I need to take some photos at the farm.

Graham and I will be starting a 10-week group course for bereaved parents.  There will be either four or five couples in the group plus the facilitating couple whose son passed away a number of years ago.  We visited the Coping Centre this week and were very impressed and thankful that we live so close.  I already think they are experts at practicing hospitality (there were both baked goods and chocolate put in front of us!) and I trust that the sessions will be helpful. 

Isaac has lots of potty stickers

I listened to an interview with R. C. Sproul Jr. this week whose wife and child died within ten months of each other.  At the end the interviewer asked, "How are you doing?"  I liked his response:  "Because the hardship is not death but absence, it doesn't get better.  The distance doesn't change, because they're still gone.  So my answer is ... we're sad, like we're supposed to be, and we're trusting in the promises of God."

I've been able to cry a few more times.  I was wishing that Josiah's final couple of hours were a little different but in reality his passing happened relatively quickly which was a blessing for him.  (I'm not referring to his time at the hospital which we are both happy about.  We're glad we asked them to do whatever they could to try to save Josiah.  He was already gone then.)

Isaac gave "hay" to all of the animals today

Isaac was excited to be introduced to Amelia Bedelia books this week.  He thinks her name is very funny.  He also started a new Sunday School class last week.  He could even tell us a few things that he'd learned in class. 

I look at Josiah's photos and I'm so thankful to God for all of the time we had with him ... though I wish he were here in my arms.

It's time to head to bed.  Thanks so much for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

1 John 4:7,8
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.