Happy 2nd birthday Josiah!

Happy 2nd birthday Josiah!  (I wanted to write this on his actual birthday - the 13th - but Kohen wouldn't let me put him down until after midnight.

We had a good day together as a family.  Graham made us breakfast and later we went to the cemetery with a few flowers and balloons.  Isaac wanted to keep his balloon but we wrote messages on balloons from Graham, Kohen, and me and then released them.  In memory of Ronald McDonald House we picked up some food from McDonalds (I had a salad) and then Isaac put Smarties on the birthday cake I made which we ate for dessert.  I

asked Isaac what he would like to give to Josiah for his birthday if he were with us.  He said, "A new toy; a garbage truck."  Then I asked him what he missed most about Josiah.  He answered, "I just really miss - (pause while thinking) - him.  I hope he gets better soon."

Isaac told Graham that he'd had a dream in which Jesus was holding a nest.  In the nest there was a baby cardinal but the cardinal was blue.  This made me think of Josiah as he was a blue baby.  Hearing that dream was a nice little gift from God today.

I was hoping to feel some pain and cry today (yesterday) but I also knew that it probably wouldn't happen as I think I generally need to be alone to access my feelings (and/or find something else that's sad to cry about) and these days with Kohen I am rarely alone.  I'm also getting a little more sleep and my hormones are probably back to normal so I'm also less likely to cry.  It doesn't fail to amaze me that people seem surprised that I want to cry and that I believe I also "should" cry in the sense that it's good for me to do so and I'm able to access pain when I do so.  I believe the pain is there - it's just down deep.  The only response I can think of when people suggest that I shouldn't want to cry is to ask them to pretend they were in my shoes and didn't feel pain and didn't miss their child after he/she died. 

Last Monday a paediatrician clipped Kohen's tongue-tie.  He also had thrush in his mouth as well as a diaper rash from yeast so he was on gentian violet this week that made it look like he had been eating blueberries.  This is very messy stuff.  He's on probiotics now as well.  The nurse practitioner said he has yeast all through his system which would give him lots of gas.  The medicines and/or clipping seem to be helping him to be a little calmer in the evening.

Graham has incredible colleagues!  They went to SupperWorks this week and made us 12 meals!!! 

What an incredible blessing!  We'll have our first one tomorrow night.  I'm not going to use them on the weekends as we're both at home.  I'll space them out to use on the extra crazy days. 

We ordered the gravestone this week.  We'll be contacted in about a month to start working on the design.  I learned this week that no copyright is needed to put things on gravestones. 

Josiah's death certificate and Kohen's birth certificate arrived the same day. 

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 40:3
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
    and put their trust in the Lord.

One month old!

Kohen is one month old today.  He had his first visit to the library, though he slept the whole time.  The four of us walked there and back this afternoon.  Kohen visited the doctor on Friday and I'm happy to report that he is growing well. 

It was lovely to enjoy some nicer weather this week.  Isaac, Kohen and I searched for and found lots of ducks and mud puddles three days in a row.  I took the stroller out the first day but Kohen was in the wrap for the other walks.  I have a large coat that fits around both of us and keeps us warm. 

It's been a week of visitors.  We've enjoyed having friends and family over each day. 

Kohen seems to have decided that his main fussy period each day will be during the evening.  He seems to be able to calm down and have his last feed around 10:00 PM and then I can put him in his crib.  I had either forgotten about fussy periods or I blocked them out.  According to various websites, his fussiness will peak in a couple of weeks and then decrease until he's around three months old.  That's definitely something to be thankful for!  I don't think Josiah had the energy to sustain long fussy periods.  I do remember us taking turns in the evenings walking Isaac throughout the house when he was a small baby but in general I think he was easier.  

I have also been crying more and thinking about Josiah.  I needed Graham's handkerchief (I think I just this moment learned that this word has a 'd' in it) the last two Sundays.  There's usually a song that includes something about death or the resurrection that sets me off.  There's one that we played during Josiah's funeral that says, in Jesus, "death has lost its sting."  I like the song but I'm not so sure about the accuracy of this line.  Death has indeed lost its power because of what Jesus accomplished on the cross and in His resurrection, and we need not fear death, but death still has a sting and when I cry for my Josiah, I feel it. 

My thoughts have gone to the 'what ifs'.  What if we'd called 911 earlier?  I believe this was God's timing but I still need to let my brain process this and ask these questions.  I wonder when the moment was when he died.  When did he see Jesus?  They started CPR to keep his heart going in the ambulance so maybe that's when he "really" died.  To most it doesn't matter of course but I'd like to think (as most of my brain tells me) that he wouldn't have had any knowledge of all that went on in that ER room to try to save his life.  I wonder about his pain and his fear that morning.  We had no idea what was coming.  "What would I have said to you, Josiah, as I held and cuddled you in the chair if I'd known they would be my last words?  I sang songs to you.  I hope it brought you some comfort.  I'm sorry we didn't know."   

Usually each day, a character that Isaac makes up dies.  He talks about missing Josiah. 

I need to sleep, hopefully before Kohen wakes up, so I'll say goodnight.  Thanks so much for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Philippians 4:13
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.  [I need this reminder these days!]