A good week

It's been a good week.  I needed to look at my calendar to remember what I had done.  I spent time with some friends; I baked squares; my cousin who lives in Switzerland treated me to lunch; I was able to see my aunt and uncle who now live only an hour away (I grew up with one aunt, uncle, and cousin in Canada and they always lived about four hours away); Graham, Isaac, and I went out for yummy schwarma; Isaac was able to see all of his grandparents; and I've finally given away the box of diapers we bought just before Josiah passed away (I didn't have an inner need to keep them, it's just another thing I didn't get around to doing until this week).

I should have noted in the post last week that we're not concerned with how Isaac is processing Josiah's death.  In fact, we are happy that he brings up Josiah.  Our counsellor thought it was great that he is having fantasies about being with Josiah.  This week I was at a store with Isaac and I put him in one of those shopping carts in which there is a steering wheel for him to use.  There are actually two steering wheels.  He told me that Josiah was sitting beside him and he kept bringing him up.  After about ten minutes he said, "I miss Baby Josiah."

One night this week Graham was out at a meeting when I was putting Isaac to bed (we usually tag team).  After praying with Isaac I asked him if he wanted me to sing to him or just say good-night.  He wanted me to tell him stories like Daddy.  I told him that Daddy would tell him stories the following night.  Isaac replied that he would teach me how to tell stories like Daddy.  So, he started off a story about Isaac and a wolf and then after a couple of sentences he said, "It's your turn."  Isaac seems to like teaching.  He's excited about what he'll teach his new "brother on the way". 

One night this week I was reading back in the blog from Josiah's last days of June through to the middle of July.  I had realized when we found out that I was pregnant that one reason we didn't get the B&B room I wanted in June was so that I would not be in a jacuzzi ("they" say not to go in jacuzzis when you are pregnant) but looking back at the blog and pictures I also realize that we went to a toy store that night and bought toys for the boys that we wouldn't have bought had we been able to stay at the B&B.  One of those toys brought both Josiah and Isaac lots of joy and we like remembering Josiah's laughter when we make noise with it even now.  We had those toys just one week before Josiah passed away. 

Tonight I've spent time looking at photos of Josiah from his birth until he passed away. I was reminded of those first precious three and a half months at home.  They were still challenging months, especially with his reflux (I have a much better appreciation for nursing mothers dealing with a baby's reflux - it's very stressful when you want and need to feed your child).  I was reminded again of what a different baby Josiah was before and after his surgeries.  I recognized the immense trauma that Josiah went through to some extent (I think I was immune to this when we were at the hospital).  His precious body went through a war.  It's just so wonderful and incredible that we were able to take him home and we had him there with us for over seven months and he improved so much (in some ways).  We thank God for these incredible gifts.  I'm so thankful that Isaac has good memories of his brother and that we have pictures of the boys together. 

Last Sunday, November 24 on our drive home from church I was asking Isaac about his Sunday School lesson.  It was about Elisha and his helper who "couldn't see God" as Isaac explained it.  Isaac said that God was always around us.  We chatted about this and then I asked him where Jesus lives.  He said in Heaven and I told him that Jesus can also live inside us.  We talked about what this means (because he first told me that Jesus doesn't live inside people) and then when we arrived home he said, "I don't want Jesus to live inside me."  We left it at that.  Later that night after Graham told Isaac some stories, Isaac said, "Jesus doesn't live in me."  Graham talked to Isaac about this and asked Isaac if he wanted to pray with him to ask Jesus to "live in his heart."  Isaac said he wanted to pray with Graham to ask Jesus to live inside him.  He prayed after Graham.  For months and months Isaac has refused to pray at any meals or before bed (he closes his eyes and puts his hands together but he won't actually pray himself like he used to when he was younger).  It was quite significant to me that he actually wanted to say words to God himself.  He still doesn't want to pray now but he's been happy to tell people that he prayed with his Daddy.  First he was saying that he "asked Jesus into his tummy" but now he says "heart."  I wasn't in the room with them so they came and Isaac told me what he'd done and then he said that he would be baptized to follow Jesus.  We'll be waiting a while before that happens but I'm excited that he'll be able to see a baptismal service at the end of December at our church.   

Thank you for your prayers!  Neither Graham nor I slept well last night.  I decided to get up at 5:00 to read so I'm hoping we sleep better tonight.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

John 17:22 (Jesus praying)
I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one.  I am in them and you are in me.  May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me.

Romans 5:5
And this hope will not lead to disappointment.  For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

One year ago

Last Sunday morning I awoke at Graham's parent's home to the sound of Isaac at 5:30 AM.  I went to this room and cuddled in beside him, trying to keep him quiet.  After a while, his little hands examined my face in the dark and his small voice said, "Beauuutiful Mommy."  Okay, you can wake me up for this.

Grandma and Grandpa F. have a baby doll at their house with all their other toys.  Isaac took the baby to the hospital (the kitchen) where it died.  He later told me that Jesus healed the baby so he could take it home.  I said it would have been nice if that had happened to Josiah but I reminded him that we wouldn't be able to take Josiah home.  He said that we would be able to.  Isaac has talked about missing Josiah quite a lot this week.  Today his "baby Thomas train" died and the other trains were sad because they wouldn't see him again.  He had gone to the train hospital.  We talked about how this was sad and then he told me that he missed Baby Josiah.  We discussed what we would do if Josiah was with us in the living room.

One morning this week Isaac hid just as Graham was about to leave to catch the bus for work.  Graham joked, "I know you're sad to say goodbye to Daddy, but ..."  Isaac came out of his hiding spot and said right away, "I'm not sad.  I'm happy to be with Mommy."  Sweet boy! 

We saw our counsellor again this past Tuesday.  He said he'd read an article recently that stated how difficult it is for those who are 'socialized to not cry', to then cry.  It's not difficult if one is surprised by something that makes them cry.  That has been my experience.

We had our last session at the Coping Centre.  Actually, they have a follow up group about grief and spirituality that we would like to go to but it won't work out with the timing of our baby's arrival. 
We enjoyed a delicious potluck meal together. 

I have now transferred from my family doctor to my OB.  He hasn't been my OB before but he was the doctor on call when I was in labour with Isaac so he delivered him. I was planning to ask him about getting an echocardiogram for this baby but I forgot.  He brought it up himself so one will be scheduled in the next few weeks.  There's no reason for concern as the ultrasound showed everything to be fine but an echo should give a much better look of the heart and it makes sense given Josiah's heart defects. 

It's easier to go the grocery store now but I miss the challenge.  This week I purposely walked down the baby food aisle and looked at the Crunchies I used to buy Josiah and I stopped by the Greek yogurt drink instead of avoiding it.  I wanted to remember and feel some pain.

It seems amazing to me that it was a year ago this past week that we brought Josiah home from his more than three and a half month stay at SickKids.  It was Thursday, November 22, 2012 that we made the trek.  There are lots of memories.  I'm so thankful we chose not to come home with the morphine pump and that the picc line was only in for one more month. 

It's time to go to bed.  Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 100:4-5
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name. For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting, And His truth endures to all generations.

Bracing myself

Isaac watching Grandpa F. mow the lawn

We're happy to be spending time with Graham's brother from out west this weekend.

Isaac often returns to a recurring theme of wanting to be a baby.  His common refrain:  "Please let me be a baby again."  Earlier this week I asked him why he wants to be a baby.  He told me that he wanted to go to the hospital and die.  I asked him why he wanted to die and his answer was about seeing Josiah.   We then chatted about various things.  I reminded him about Josiah's sick heart and his own healthy heart and explained that most babies do not die.  I also informed him that he would need two naps if he were a baby again and he didn't like that idea. 

I was watching videos of Josiah again this week.  We are so thankful for all the progress he made since returning home from his long stay in the hospital.  However, in some ways he didn't progress much at all though I'm not sure this was evident to us at the time.  I do wonder how much he would have and could have learned.  Thankfully he mastered his beautiful smile. 

Graham and I enjoyed showing Josiah's slide show at the Coping Centre this week.  It was good to see the photos of the others whom we've heard about for weeks.  We have our last session this week; we're having a potluck dinner together.  We're really going to miss going each week. 

I was able to cry a little more this week.  I cried after seeing his birth certificate in a folder and his SIN card which he'll never use.  I remember saying one time while crying, "Why take my baby and then give me another one?"  I'm thankful I was able to get pregnant before Josiah passed away.  We had been trying for a while and God had perfect timing. 

I woke up early one morning and thought about how I seem to be bracing myself for something bad to happen.  I haven't thought about that before and it's not that I'm telling myself to brace but I think that's what I'm doing.  I think I wonder if something negative will happen during this pregnancy.  I type this as the baby is kicking me to let me know he's there.  It reminds me a little of being in labour with Isaac.  He was transverse and I remember being in such pain in my back and my thigh at the same time.  The wonderful nurse told me a few times to "release."  I think she meant for me to release my tension.  I finally said (a little loudly), "I don't know how to release!"  It annoys me a little when I read in the grief books or hear people talk about making the brave choice to grieve and feel the pain and cry.  If I knew how to do this at will, I would.  I still haven't learned how to release! 

Actually, I was excited to read in one grief booklet that writing to the person who has passed away can help bring the tears.  So, I took out my journal of letters to Josiah that I started before he was born, only to see and remember that I've already written to Josiah a number of times since his death.  It also struck me that I haven't yet written to our baby boy on the way yet.  Actually, for both Isaac and Josiah we took weekly pregnancy photos to see me getting bigger.  We finally took our first pregnancy photo this week.  By the way, the pregnancy is going well.        

In terms of "bracing myself," these thoughts reminded me of a previous post in May when I said I felt that I was sitting on the edge of a chair thinking, "He could die.  He could die.  He could die." so that I wouldn't be surprised.  At that time I said I needed to trust God more.  Perhaps I am still on the edge of my seat.  One would hope that I would learn and grow from all of this.  I'm trusting our counsellor and just giving my grief time.   

Graham is already asleep beside me so I'd better put out the light.  We're not at home so I don't have access to some of our photos so I just have the one photo that Graham took here tonight of Isaac watching his Grandpa F. mow the lawn.

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him, 

And He shall direct your paths.

Lots of memories

Happy 11/12/13!!!

We're trying to get over our most recent round of colds.  

Last week and this week hold lots of memories.  It struck me that Josiah only lived through one August, September, and October and he was never outside for any of those months (of course, his lack of fresh air was the least of his problems.)  One year ago last week was when Josiah's cardiologist met with me to tell me that Josiah was no longer eligible for the surgeries he would need and most likely wasn't eligible for a transplant.  

One year ago today (on the Tuesday) Graham and I met with a medical team who confirmed the dismal prognosis and all agreed we should take Josiah home on palliative care.  I've listened to the songs that meant a lot to us last year and remembered the conversations and fears.  The memories don't bring tears. 

Graham saw this link to an article about how the church can help those who are grieving.  We both appreciated reading it and we're also thankful for the wonderful support we've received from our church family.

Twice last week I heard how serious Isaac is.  This is how he is in groups out in public (not how he acts at home).  He needs to take everything in and process it.  When all the other children were hopping like bunnies, Isaac just watched with a straight face.  Even at the pool he's not quite ready to let go of Daddy's hands to jump into his arms.  I'm so proud of him and all the things he can do but I find it interesting (and perhaps a little sad) that at his age I already want him to jump like a bunny because that's what everyone else is doing.  I'm not quite sure if it's for his sake or my sake.  A friend is reading a book that discussed how we often feel that we need to make apologies for introverts rather than fully valuing their unique characteristics.   

Isaac helped me collect branches to make Ann Voskamp's Thanksgiving Tree.  Each day we take a leaf off the tree and read the verse and then write on the back what we're thankful to God for.  We now have a chart on Isaac's wall for his bedtime routine.  I think it's helped him to focus and he likes to check off what he's done (with help) and tell us what's next.  Mommy's night time singing has now officially been replaced by Daddy's stories.  The librarian asked at story time for favourite stories (referring to actual books) and Isaac told me that his favourite stories were Chippy and Skippy. 

Isaac and I were playing outside on a cold day last week (well, he was playing more than I was).  I thought it would be fun to share some hot chocolate when we came inside.  Isaac was a fan.

At the dinner table the other day Isaac was just talking about various things when he told us, “Bob’s middle name is not 'The'.” (referring to Bob the Builder).   

We had a lovely visit with friends from out of town on Sunday.  

It’s memory night at our group session tomorrow evening.  Each couple will share photos and stories of their child who has passed away. We’re looking forward to showing pictures of Josiah.  

I have a list of items in my head that I would like to try to make.  I’ve now made cake pops.  It was all going well until it was time to dip them in chocolate and decorate them.  That was not my forte.  I had decided that I probably wouldn’t make them again but I think it would be easier the second time so I might try again with Christmas colours.  I enjoyed eating them.  

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

John 3:16

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Getting behind the wall

Isaac and Graham had a Daddy-son date this morning.  They went out for breakfast and stopped by Josiah's graveside and then went to the pet store and looked at the animals.  I had a perfectly lovely time at home.  I put music on and actually cleaned our home.  It felt very good to be by myself and actually accomplish something constructive.  Going out for breakfast is not high on my priority list.  I'd rather stay in my pajamas. 

I'm afraid my frugality is going to be obvious in this post.  Isaac dressed up as a chicken on Hallowe'en night last year and went to a few homes with Graham while I was with our octopus (Josiah) at SickKids.  I tried the chicken outfit on Isaac not too long ago (so it seemed) and I thought it fit so I didn't figure Isaac needed another costume.  Who wouldn't want to be a chicken two years in a row?  I think Isaac must have been wearing shorts and a t-shirt at the time he tried on the costume.  Anyway, I took it out from the closet and found it was a size 12-24 months (Isaac will be three years old in December).  It was a little snug.  Graham and I took our cute rooster to show him off at Grandma and Grandpa's home and then we walked in the rain to a few of their neighbours.

The tears didn't hit until later that night, after Isaac had gone to bed.  I wasn't expecting them.  Had Josiah been here, I think I would have dressed him up too, even just for a photo.  He would have been a cute chicken.  I'm thankful for the triggers that bring the missing and the pain.

Last year Hallowe'en marked Josiah's last full day in the CCCU at SickKids.  He was moved to the step-down room on the ward on November 1.  Those last couple of days in the CCCU were nice.  I took Josiah on his first stroller rides out of the CCCU and he was actually off of oxygen for a while with good sats (for him).  We were very hopeful, still expecting a "full" recovery and then the regular future surgeries.    

Earlier this week I googled something that my friend said would make me cry.  It worked and it was helpful for then opening up that place inside where my pain hides.  I've heard talk of "walls"  that are erected to keep the pain away.  I may well have a wall but I don't know how to climb it or tear it down at will.  The video had a song about saying "Good-bye" and I said, "I don't want to say good-bye."  It seems impossible that Josiah is really gone.  Tonight I watched a video on Youtube with an amazing marriage proposal.  It hit me again - all of the things that Josiah will never get to experience (well actually, it's more about me missing out on the experience of my son doing things - Josiah is not missing these things where he is.)

I've been looking back at the old posts as well as our many photos.  I'm so thankful for both. 

Isaac told me a story by himself this week that he made up.  He started with, "Once upon a time (with slight mispronunciation) there was a boy named Isaac."  He went swimming and flying with the ducks and later he had a picnic where he ate samosas that his Grandma Lucas bought for him.  We were at the kitchen table at the time, eating samosas that we bought.   

Later, Isaac pointed to some wooden dowels he had put in one of his trucks.  He said they were log money.  I asked what the money was for and he said it was for taxes.  I asked where he learned about taxes and he said, "At school."  I'm amazed at all the things he learns at this imaginary school of his.  Perhaps he talked about taxes in Sunday School.

One of the books I read talked about the severe depression that one mother went into about five months after her son passed away.  I realized that this would not be a good time to be in depression (I'm sure there is never a good time for this but I've heard that there may be detrimental affects on a baby in a womb when an expectant mother is depressed - though I haven't researched this).  I think I'm slowly coming to terms with how I am grieving and trying to be okay with that.  The more I'm able to get behind "the wall," the more normal I feel and the closer to Josiah I feel.

Earlier this week Isaac and I were eating soup I had made.  He said that Jesus would give the soup to Josiah and he would like it.  Is it any wonder that I give that dear boy so many kisses. 

The three of us attended a funeral this week.  We talked about it with Isaac but when we arrived, he asked where Baby Josiah was.  During the funeral Graham drew a picture of our family to help keep Isaac occupied and of course Josiah needed to be in the picture along with the new baby called "Baby on the way".

We supposedly get an extra hour of sleeping tonight but I'm not sure if it will work out that way with Isaac so I'd better get to bed.

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 91:2
I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."