Isaac fell asleep in the swing outside this week so after letting him have some fresh air for a while I brought him inside and he slept on the loveseat. This is a photo of him sleeping. He said he needed his shades because it was too sunny outside but soon after I put them on he fell asleep.
We had our last session at the farm on Monday but unfortunately I didn't have the camera. We said good-bye to all of the animals during a scavenger hunt and enjoyed spaghetti squash from the garden for our snack.
We met Isaac's aunt and cousins at a museum on Friday and they had fun learning about trees and playing together. Today Isaac watched his cousins skate and play hockey and later Isaac enjoyed his swimming lesson. We bundled up this morning as the large wet snow flakes were cold but all the snow has melted.
Graham requested that we eat less meat so we've been eating more vegetarian dishes this week and we bought some mung beans tonight for a recipe I'll try this week.
Isaac received two lovely books in the mail and I also received one the following day. Isaac especially enjoyed reading about Chester Raccoon whose friend Skiddil Squirrel died. A number of books have encouraged us to have something physical to help with memories. Isaac likes pulling down our old photo albums and looking at them so I asked him today if he'd like his own album with pictures of Josiah and he said he would.
I'm "enjoying" reading stories of other people who have experienced the death of their child and learning from their grief journeys.
Thankfully my pregnancy is going fine - no issues there to my knowledge. I see the doctor monthly and have one more visit with my family doctor before I meet my OB/GYN in late November. It's actually the doctor who happened to be on call and delivered Isaac though he hasn't been my OB/GYN before.
Graham has a cousin who has some recent health challenges. We would appreciate any prayers for him and his family.
We are all currently well and looking forward to being back in church tomorrow.
A year ago today (on the Saturday), Josiah was finally extubated for the last time. We praise God for His incredible faithfulness.
Thank you for your prayers.
Blessings,
Elizabeth
Psalm 68:19
Praise the Lord; praise God our savior! For each day He carries us in his arms.
We are at home, nursing our colds. I wrote the following last night but then I needed to go and stay with Isaac:
Graham
is feeling a little under the weather and Isaac is on his second night
of Advil for his fever. I was hoping it would also help him sleep
tonight but I've been in and out over and over as he wakes up crying.
Thankfully he falls back to sleep quickly.
I didn't write last week as we were away. We had an extra long Thanksgiving Weekend as Graham took Tuesday off of
work. We drove to Stittsville on the Friday evening to spend the weekend
with my brother's family and my parents. We arrived around 2:15 AM but
thankfully Isaac slept for most of the trip. We haven't been there for
over two years as it didn't seem like a feasible trip with Josiah. It
was nice to be there again and to spend time with family. Happy Belated
Thanksgiving!
Isaac's swimming lessons started tonight
(he didn't have a fever earlier today and he seemed alright). Both he
and Graham had fun in the water. Isaac has been looking forward to it
for weeks and then he became nervous this afternoon and said he didn't
want to go. He's looking forward to next week. I wish we had figured
out how to get Josiah into a pool. It would have been nice to see him
there.
I've been reading old blog posts from last
October. It reminded me of what a crazy "ride" we had there (especially
for our sweet Josiah). Sometimes I've thought back to being in the
hospital and said that I should have held him more there, etc. but then I
read about how unstable he was and how he often wasn't comfortable
being held. How amazing is it that we were able to do all we did with
him and have him home for so long, without being intubated or needing IV
access. Thank You Lord!
I'm not "down in the dumps"
or anything (though in some ways I wish I were) but I'm less inclined to
write and read or talk very much and I don't feel much though I think
my fuse is a little shorter than usual. I'm more tired. I find it
harder to remember little things. I was hoping it was getting easier to
cry but it hasn't been easy of late. I was able to cry the other day
when I thought about how we didn't really get to say good-bye to Josiah
while he was still with us and neither did Isaac. Perhaps this is a
blessing but I'm really big on saying goodbye. He was gone before we
knew what was happening. By God's grace both Graham and I had a little
alone time with Josiah that final morning and I sang his songs to him.
Actually,
I have been reading true stories written by people who have gone
through similar experiences. It's interesting to read the different
perspectives from those who consider their baby a gift from God and
those who never consider God. We would never give up those months with
Josiah and we thank God for those days with him.
I
realized at the group session last week how different this would be if
we didn't have Isaac. I don't have an option to not get out of bed or
not make him meals or just think about Josiah and spend time mentally
processing this. On the other hand, Isaac regularly brings up Josiah,
quite a lot in the last week actually. He still talks about wanting to
go to the hospital to see Josiah. He also wants to go to the playroom
there.
For the first time, Isaac told us that his
stuffed animal died "because he ate nine chocolate cakes." We just let
him talk and process but the next night he talked about children dying
at a park for the same reason so I let him know that people would just
get sick from eating that much cake and they might have to go to the
hospital. He assured me that the people had died.
Isaac
told his grandmother this week that he would have an extra candle on
his birthday cake for Baby Josiah. He also found a 1-year old sticker
for his growth chart and wanted to put it on Josiah's wall because he
was 1 year old. Isaac likes to tell me that Josiah will run after him
in Heaven and tickle him and they will laugh and laugh.
We
made Isaac a cake for being a "Potty Expert" as that is what he
requested when we started retraining. "Expert" might be a little
hopeful but he's doing really well. I asked him if he wanted to see the
cake rising in the oven. He told me it was a "Jesus Cake" as it was
"rising." Isaac's favourite name is "Bingo" so whenever he makes us a
story or I ask for a name, he says, "Bingo."
We
stopped at a mall so that Isaac could use the toilet on the way back
from Stittsville (he told us when we were in the Express Lane on the 401
but thankfully there was a mall at the next exit and he was able to
hold it.) I put him down when we arrived at the escalator and said that
Daddy would hold his hand. He later said to me on two occasions, "When
I'm bigger and Daddy is smaller I'll hold his hand on the escalator."
He is a sweet boy.
Thank you for your prayers! The last farm program is tomorrow so I hope we're able to go. We're going to miss it.
Blessings,
Elizabeth
Psalm 65:9
Our lives are in His hands, and He keeps our feet from stumbling.
I was away at a retreat this weekend with women from my church so I'm posting later than usual. Isaac and Graham had a good time with his parents on the weekend and I had a great time away. However, I wish I didn't have the luxury of going away on a retreat. I wish Josiah was here to need his Mommy's care.
I saw my doctor on Friday and he said that the ultrasound report was good. I still don't feel the baby very much but he was moving around during the ultrasound.
Isaac and I have had a wonderful time at the farm the last two weeks. We have one more session in a couple of weeks. Last week we learned that each silk thread on the corn cob attaches to one kernel of corn so when picking corn at the market we should pick the one with the most silk threads if we want lots of kernels. Today we learned about chicken combs and wattles. I confess that I have sometimes confused geese and ducks but now I know to look for a beak on a goose or a more flattened bill on a duck.
Isaac is giving up some of his naps. The other day he fell asleep in the car around his nap time so I put him to bed when we arrived home. He woke up a little but said he wanted to sleep. I heard him crying about five minutes later so I went in and he cried, "Mommy, how do I close my eyes?" I went to him and closed his eyes for him and then he told me to leave and he went to sleep.
Isaac's memory continues to amaze me. This afternoon in the car he told me that he wanted to go to Ronald McDonald House. I asked him what he missed there and he told me about playing with Snoopy (in the playroom). He said it had a spout on it and I told him that it was a straw. He then spoke about the cardinal on the wall outside (it was attached to the wall outside and we used to look at the big mural). I'm sure we haven't spoken about the cardinal since we were there. He was last there last November before he turned two years old! I remember a social worker telling us that kids don't usually have memories at that age but memories can occur if there is a lot of feeling about something.
I received a lovely necklace from a beautiful stranger this week. There was a package in the mailbox from someone who has been praying for us. She had the necklace made with Josiah's name and the dates of his birth and death. I am very touched that she would do this for me and it means a great deal to me. At the moment I'm still wearing my Josiah necklace that I've worn since he passed away (I had this when he was alive as I have a different necklace that I wear for Graham, each of the boys and the baby we lost) but I look forward to wearing this new necklace when I'm ready.
I think I cried three times this week. It hit me during the singing time at church, during our group session, and also during one of the singing times at the retreat. At our group session this week we spoke about Josiah's final moments. I cried because I wished I had been able to really mourn for Josiah at his passing. I understand why I couldn't but I can still grieve the loss of not being able to mourn then. However, a couple of the stories from others made me realize that my being able to feel in control of my emotions was also a blessing in some ways. One family felt blessed to have lots of people all around them and in their home but both Graham and I knew this would not have felt like a blessing to us. Another family had others make a lot of the decisions that needed to be made but it was important to us to make these decisions ourselves (though we are very thankful for all the advice and wisdom we received from others). I'm so thankful that God showed me these unseen blessings. He knows what we need.
Josiah has been gone for over three months now. How can it be that he is no longer here? I wrote this on Saturday night:
In the intimacy of worshiping my Lord and God, He gives me the gift of tears. He lets me feel close to Josiah through the pain of missing him. I rock side to side to the music and remember holding him in my arms - my empty arms that long to hold, love, and protect him. When I sing about the cross, I remember Josiah's suffering before his death. Don't pray for my heart to be healed - pray for it to be broken deeply and fully. Through the pain and tears healing will come.
Thank you for your prayers!
Blessings,
Elizabeth
Psalm 84:6 When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.
... that Isaac is having another little brother!!!
We found out the great news during an ultrasound yesterday. We were also able to see four beautiful heart chambers on the screen. The sonographer didn't raise any concerns. I see my doctor this Friday when I hope to hear the full report.
Thanks for your prayers!
Blessings,
Elizabeth
James 1:17
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down
from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due
to change.
