Goodbye 2013

Isaac woke up happy yesterday morning, calling Mommy and Daddy.   Graham went in and asked him how he was feeling as he had been a little under the weather.  He answered, "Delicious.  I'm Mommy's cookie." 

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!  We've been enjoying our time with family.  Last week was a full week and the celebrations continue.  Tonight we'll celebrate New Year's Eve with Graham's parents. We'll say goodbye to 2013 and welcome 2014, a year that Josiah will never be part of (inside our time and space), except in our hearts and minds, photos and memories. 

Christmas was nice.  Thankfully there were some tears but we were also able to enjoy the day with family.  We went to a Christian Reformed church service on Christmas morning.  I grew up going to church on Christmas Day so it was nice to be able to do that again.  The large church was packed.  Of course we sang about Jesus coming as a baby and other things that brought Josiah to mind and tears to my eyes.  I cry more easily when I'm out of my regular environment. 

Watching city workers cleaning up branches

We made it through the ice storm the Sunday before Christmas.  Church was cancelled but Graham had already decided that I wasn't to go outside and risk falling.  We just lost some branches from the trees outside our home but thankfully we didn't lose our hydro.

On the Monday before Christmas, Graham and I went to SickKids to meet with Josiah's cardiologist who reviewed the autopsy report and gave us a copy.  It was great timing to be able to receive this before the end of the year.  We are both really happy we had the autopsy done.  The cardiologist said that he recommends having one done as he thinks it helps the parents.  It was a hard decision to make at the time last July as some medical personnel advised against it as we knew of Josiah's various conditions.  I knew I wanted it done but I generally try to please people and not burden them and I knew this would cause more work and delay the funeral so I felt a little guilty.  I was able to speak to other friends who had been in this situation as well as my friend's mother who is a pathologist (God provides in every way).  Thankfully, Graham made the final decision that we should have the autopsy done.

The cardiologist said it's extremely likely that the cause of Josiah's death was his shunt.  They found his shunt to be 40-50% narrowed which means that a lot less blood was getting to his lungs to be oxygenated.  While there was no evidence of a clot, the doctor thinks a clot may have blocked the shunt, causing his death.  Graham and I had never thought about this occurring and I hadn't been able to figure out how his heart could just stop so this was really helpful to hear.

I think it's a gift from God that we just had imaging of Josiah done about a month before his death.  If we hadn't had it done, it would have been easy to think that we could have prevented this by having scans done.  The imaging did not show severe narrowing of the shunt. 

The autopsy was also able to confirm his earlier diagnoses.  Apart from God intervening, there weren't good medical options for Josiah.  While we never would have been ready to say good-bye to Josiah, God was ready to take him and we find comfort knowing that we will see him again. 

This past Sunday our church family shared a feast at church followed by a baptismal and communion service.  I love watching baptisms and hearing people's stories of how God made Himself known to them (our tradition has older children and adult baptisms and not infant baptisms).  

Bingo the Bear is dead.  Graham said he died quite a while ago but Isaac just informed me of this news last week (or perhaps I forgot).  Bingo the Bear is one of the many characters in Graham's nightly stories which he makes up with Isaac's help.  Isaac is one very blessed little boy to have new stories every night.  Isaac told me that Bingo became sick and died and now has no more tubes.

Last week was also the first time that Isaac told me he was with someone in his room.  He told me he was with a cat and then he went running down our hall and back with the cat (possibly holding his tail).  He's often pretended with his stuffed animals but I think this was the first time everything was imaginary. 

Josiah's gravesite in the snow

Isaac has told me a number of times that he doesn't like our kitchen.  The problem?  Our dishwasher should be black, not white.  Thankfully he's fine with the rest of the rooms in our home (the other rooms do not have dishwashers).  

Isaac uses one of our pillows as a "copy machine".  The other day he copied himself so that there were four Isaacs.  (I think this idea came up in one of Graham's stories).  I asked how I would feed all of the Isaacs.  Right away he copied an imaginary bowl of ice cream so that all the Isaacs had ice cream.  I asked him to copy broccoli.  He copied it for the other Isaacs but he didn't have any himself.  Apparently not even pretend broccoli is to his liking.

I just finished reading "Undaunted: Daring to do what God calls you to do" by Christine Caine and now I'm reading "Radical: Taking back your faith from the American Dream" by David Platt.  I'm very impressed that our local library had both of these books.  Both are challenging and inspiring.  Often when we're in the car together on a longer trip, I'll read to Graham.  I read part of the first book to him and I want to read the second book to him. 

I look forward to wishing you a Happy New Year in 2014.  God has been so faithful and good to us in 2013.  He has provided for us in every way.  He will continue to help us grieve our sweet Josiah.  We look forward to welcoming another son in 2014 and seeking God deeper, that our lives would glorify Him more and more.  I'm afraid I'm much better at talking about this and reading about this than doing it - may that not be true in 2014.

Thank you for all your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 73:28
But as for me, how good it is to be near God!  I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do.

Imagination

Isaac's first tie

I needed some alone time again so last Sunday I stayed home.  I went to Josiah's chair and I cried easily.  Then I slept, ate, read the Bible and my Advent book, and napped a little more before I prepared lunch.  It was nice that I didn't need a cd this time to cry.  Actually, both Graham and I were more emotional last Sunday.  We watched the Westjet Youtube video of their gift giveaway and some other emotional videos, discovering that beautiful, happy moments might actually get the tears running faster than sad videos.  

One day at lunch time I asked Isaac if he'd like to write some letters to people as he sometimes writes Graham notes on his napkins to take to work and he has sent Graham a couple of emails (he tells me what to write).  He said he would and then he said, "Let's write a prayer."  While "scribbling" on the table with the end of his spoon he said, "Dear God, Thank You for Baby Josiah in Heaven with You Jesus.  Amen." 

I'd just given Isaac two Smarties for going to the toilet by himself and then I sent him back to his room for quiet time.  He comes out of his room and walks to the living room to find me, saying that he'd like another treat.  I'm preparing to tell him no when he comes to me and says, "I want a hug from you and that will be another treat."  That boy knows how to woo his Mommy.  I gave him the hug ... and then sent him back to his room. 

Isaac told me that he wanted to grow up to be a train.  He wasn't very happy to hear that little boys don't grow up to be trains even though I assured him that he could work on one.  I don't think I stifled his imagination too much as the next day he told me he was going to grow up to be a bird. Thankfully he's also listed fire man and zoo keeper (so he can pet the lions) as potential occupations.

I love Isaac's imagination.  We made a couple of puzzles at his grandparent's home and then I said that's all they had.  He went and picked up an empty wooden container and brought it over and told me we could do that puzzle.  He "dumped out" the imaginary "pieces" which he proceeded to turn over and then we put the edge pieces together first, followed by the middle pieces - it was a puzzle of Winnie the Pooh and Eeyore, in case you were wondering.

Some days Josiah seems more like a figment of my imagination than a son who came from my womb.  

Thanks to the love and help of family, I was able to surprise Graham last night by picking him up from work without Isaac and letting him know it was date night.  We went out for dinner and a movie.  I can't remember the last movie we saw in a theatre so it was a very nice treat.  Isaac had a blast with his cousins and cried this morning when it was time to leave.   

Happy 45th Anniversary to my wonderful parents and to my Uncle John and Auntie Dorothy in Northern Ireland!

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Luke 2:6-7
So it was, that while they were there, the days were completed for her to be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

Thankfulness and tears

Last week in church I realized again the immense list of things to be thankful for in regard to Josiah.  I think it's only by God's incredible grace that I look back on those three and a half months in Toronto, when Josiah was at SickKids, with fond memories.  I remember the doctors, surgeons, fellows, nurses, physiotherapists, pharmacists, other parents, the incredible support, the meals, the walks back and forth, ... with a grateful heart.  Just this week we saw an uncommon name in print and Graham noted that Josiah had had an RT with that name.

We enjoyed a birthday celebration for Isaac last Sunday afternoon.  The bacon-wrapped dates filled with goat cheese seemed to turn out well.  Isaac turned 3 years old this past Wednesday.   In bed the night of his celebration, Isaac told me that Josiah would have been able to have some of his cake and also some of his cousins' cake.

I want to clarify some of my comments in last week's blog post regarding whether or not I'm isolating myself.  I'm not.  However, I'm worse than ever at returning phone calls and emails.  I not too interested in Christmas parties but I've never been much of a party girl.  I'm more of a one-on-one heart-to-heart girl or a small-group girl.  I enjoyed a movie night with one friend and coffee with another friend this week.

It's said that grief changes you.  I've talked to other parents, some of whom see very little change in themselves and others who see many changes.  My own verdict is still out.  I won't rush to make this conclusion.  I've heard and read others in my situation discuss all they've learned through the challenges.  I'm not yet sure what my list would include.   

Apparently pumpkins can last quite a while.  I roasted the pumpkin that Isaac picked from the pumpkin patch that has been sitting alternately on my dishwasher and counter.  I added it to my first risotto along with curry spice and we enjoyed it.  I've also decided that roasted broccoli is much better than steamed broccoli.  Isaac still isn't a fan of this green vegetable.  I think it may have to do with the texture.

I look at Josiah's photos or videos and say, "How is it possible that you are not here?  How is it possible that you haven't been here for five months?  How can my sweet, sweet, baby be gone?  He was such a sweet baby.  I cried the night of Isaac's party and birthday as I was sad that the boys couldn't be together.  I cried today when I realized that I'd only taken a few photos of Josiah for two minutes on the evening before he died (of course, I should be incredibly grateful - and I am - that I have photos in the days, weeks, and months before he died.)  I cried watching Youtube videos of soldiers returning home and surprising their children - oh, if only Josiah could come and surprise me.  I appreciate the tears.

I was talking to a mother recently on the first anniversary of her baby's death.  She has dreams of her baby.  I think it would be great to be able to dream about Josiah and see him in more than just a photo or video.  I wonder if it's not hard to look at his photos or videos because I still haven't really processed that he's gone and not coming back.  It's possible.

One of my friends had her baby this afternoon.  Congratulations! 

This morning Isaac called for me when he woke up.  I went in and sat down on his bed and gave him a hug.  He said, "I like you.  You are the best mommy I ever had."

Isaac's last night being two!

Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Luke 2:13-14
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying:

“Glory to God in the highest,
And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!”

Conversations with Isaac

This is Isaac's train that he is driving

Isaac:  Can we go to the hospital again?
Mommy:  What for?
Isaac:  Can we go to the hospital when the new baby dies?

***

Mommy:  (singing) "You are the potter.  I am the clay.  Mold me and make me, this is what I pray."
Isaac:  I don't want to be the potter.
Mommy: You're not, you're the clay.
Isaac: I don't want to be the clay.
Mommy:  What do you want to be?
Isaac: An amphibian.

(Background: Isaac received a book about different types of animals.  He tells me he doesn't want to be a mammal (pronounced ma'am at the time) but an amphibian.  I think he wants to be able to breath with his skin, which is a remarkable feat.  I wish Josiah had been able to breath with his skin (while still looking normal).

***

Isaac: Sometimes I pray to Jesus when I am asleep.
Mommy: What do you pray?
Isaac: I ask him to help me listen and obey.

***

Isaac: They won't work.  They are asleep.  [He is referring to his legs.  We just entered a store and he stopped walking.]
Mommy: Well, you need to tell them to wake up.
Isaac: Wake up legs!  It worked.

***

I'm reading Ann Voskamp's book, The Greatest Gift, which has daily Advent readings.  I read it out loud with Isaac when we're at the table and he's finishing his breakfast or lunch.  One of the suggested activities this week was to "create something out of your love."  I decided to ask Isaac what we should make.  He said we could draw a picture of a green apple (we were eating red apples at the time).  I asked him who we should give it to.  He said, "Baby Josiah."  Isaac "drew" a picture of an apple tree with a green apple and then I wrote on it the message that he wanted.  At the end, we prayed that Jesus would show Josiah the picture.

Isaac pretending he is a donkey

I am excited about Advent.  I've never celebrated or practiced Advent before.  I'm hoping this helps to prepare our hearts for Christmas.  We have a wooden wreath with 24 holes.  Each night Isaac moves the candle forward one hole and moves a wooden Mary on the donkey beside the candle.  Graham usually reads some Bible verses and then we pray. 

We put up the Christmas tree on Friday night.  This is the less than $10 Christmas tree we found at Value Village for our first married Christmas nine years ago.  The base is having a few issues so we actually used some thread to tie and hold the tree upright.  Perfect.

In front of the memory tree at The Coping Centre

I went to McMaster Hospital for a fetal echocardiogram on Thursday.  They checked for any major heart defects and they didn't find any so we thank God for the good news.

Thursday evening, the three of us went to a Christmas grief memorial at The Coping Centre where we've done our group sessions with other bereaved parents.  It was nice to be able to take Isaac.  In addition to a gift for each of us, there was an ornament with Josiah's name on it that we placed on lit trees outside the Centre (a beautiful century home on the Grand River).  It was nice to see some of the others from the group.  Isaac was most excited about his cupcake. 

We are anticipating a good Christmas season.  One piece of advice that has been given to us is to decrease the to-do list.  We delegated a lot of the gift buying and I think we've decided not to do Christmas cards.  If we did cards, we'd want to do a photo card and it would be a little difficult to make these without Josiah in the photo.  We may just continue the tradition that we started last year with Easter photo cards.  We should have a baby in arms then for the family photo.  We'll see if this turns out to be feasible. 

Elizabeth and Isaac with Josiah's ornament on the memory tree

We received very exciting news this week.  As of December 1, Graham is now a permanent full-time employee at the University of Waterloo as a Web Developer/Programmer in the library.  He's been there on contract for nearly two years and this job has been such a blessing from God in so many ways.  The job was advertised and he applied and was interviewed and hired.  Graham started working at the library just as we were finding out that our baby in utero (Josiah) would have many challenges.  From Day 1, Graham's collegues have been incredibly supportive to our family.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading Bread & Wine: a love letter to life around the table with recipes, by Shauna Niequist.  I made mango chicken curry as well as enchiladas this week and I'm hoping that the bacon-wrapped dates filled with goat cheese are as good as she claims.  They are prepped in my fridge and we'll try them tomorrow.  It's quite relaxing to split dates and fill them with goat cheese with the hope of beautiful deliciousness tomorrow. 

So, I'm staying up far too late most nights.  I'm keeping occupied (read: preoccupied, distracted).  Someone suggested that our home must be so clean but that is not what I'm spending much time on.  Actually, I've received a few comments that seem to suggest that people think I'm isolating myself.  I wouldn't say this is happening any more than usual with my introverted preferences.  Isaac and I are often out and we are happy to see people.  I do know that I'm enjoying my Isaac time and as much as I will welcome this new baby with open arms, I know I will also miss one-on-one time with Isaac.  I wasn't prepared for that the first time around with Josiah (and Isaac was so young and Josiah had lots of extra challenges requiring more of me) so at least I'm going into it with open eyes this time. 

It's now been over five months since Josiah passed away.  Since the beginning it seemed like it had been a million years since I had last held Josiah, and it still does.  However, (and I'm not sure if my words will adequately express what I'm trying to say), it's not the same with my grief.  It doesn't seem like time has passed for my grieving.  I haven't processed his death yet just because five months have gone by and I'm not "moving on" as someone wondered.  It doesn't seem like five months in that sense - it seems like no time at all.    

Okay - I can't put off sleep much longer.  Thank you for your prayers!  Friends of my in-laws stopped me in the store this week and told me that they've read the blog all along.  People are so kind to do that.  It means a lot.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Genesis 21:6
God has brought me laughter.