Chippy and Skippy

Happy

I went to wake up Isaac one morning and found him singing songs.  He had taken tunes we knew and changed some of the words to go with stories we had read.  I make up songs for him all the time and his Grandpa Lucas is never at a loss for a new song so I'm glad he's inherited some Northern Irish blood.

It was apple day at the farm on Monday.  We picked apples in the orchard and then fed them to the pigs (Peanut Butter, Jam, Charlotte, Petunia, and Ziggy).  We made apple pancakes and an apple craft and listened to a story.  Fun times. 

Pumpkin patch

We've been eating more vegetables this week.  We discovered we are big fans of curried lentil cakes.  I bought ground almonds for the first time for that recipe as well as capers for another recipe. 

This afternoon we met with others from our church at a pumpkin farm.  Isaac enjoyed the hay ride and he was happy to find a small pumpkin to pick.  He was not happy to have to leave. 

Isaac has been thoroughly enjoying the adventures of Chippy and Skippy (originally intended to be a chipmunk and a squirrel but Isaac decided they are both squirrels) as well as Bingo the Bear.  Graham's amazing story-telling abilities have helped calm Isaac at bedtime.  Isaac loves to retell parts of the stories with his eyes big and wide, so excited.

I had one relatively good cry this week.  I just sat on the chair in his room and repeated, "He's not coming back."  I was tempted to pretend this week that he was just out on a walk with his nurse and he would be coming back soon.  I actually had a slight headache for the remainder of the day which is very odd for me.  I was happy to be mourning.

Hay wagon ride

Our group session went well this week (Graham's dessert choice was picked - cherry cheese cake).  I felt more comfortable and found areas in which I related to some of the other participants. 

I'm enjoying reading "Surprised by Hope."  It's not a difficult read but it's written by a theologian/academic so in presenting his arguments he explains the history and context of various views compared to what he presents as the Biblical view.  Here is one excerpt:  "In much Western piety, at least since the Middle Ages, the influence of Greek philosophy has been very marked, resulting in a future expectation that bears far more resemblance to Plato's vision of souls entering into disembodied bliss than to the biblical picture of new heavens and new earth."

Ziggy eating an apple from Isaac

Thank you for your prayers! 

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 119:133
Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me.

Reading

It's been a good week.  Isaac and I had such a nice time at the farm on Monday.  He fed grain to goats and Petunia the potbellied pig.  We also picked tomatoes in their garden and made delicious fresh salsa.  

Graham and I had our third counselling session on Tuesday.  We'll go back for a check-in at the end of October.  It's always very helpful.  We started our 10-week bereaved parents group and we're looking forward to returning.  They serve dessert at the end of each session so that asked each person to tell them their favourite dessert. 

I've been reading A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis.  It's been interesting to read his thoughts as he processed his grief after the death of his wife.  I also just started "Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church" by N.T. Wright.  I've only read a few chapters but I think it's going to help shape my understanding of what the Bible says about the time between death and the resurrection.  I am excited about that possibility.

A friend asked me today why this is important to me (my paraphrase).  There are a number of reasons.  I think truth is important.  I don't yet know if this is one of those subjects in which I will eventually be able to confidently assert what I believe the Bible says.  I hope I will be more knowledgeable after more study.  I remember asking someone about this long before Josiah passed away because I knew things would be said at a funeral if he died and I knew I would need to say something and wanted to only say things I believed.  I also knew we would tell Isaac something and wanted to be okay with that as well.  I've just read some Scriptures that don't seem to align with popular ideas of what happens at the time of death.  I've read and perused a number of books now but they don't even address the Scriptures that cause me to question.

Anyway, I'll do some more research.  One of the main reasons why this is important to me is because I'd love to be able to picture what's happening with Josiah or his soul/spirit right now.  I know where his physical body rests and I know that we'll ultimately be together again but with my confusion about the Scriptures it's sort of like I have no idea where my baby is or at least what state he is in.  I hope after studying this I will be able to have more peace.  Others have certainly seemed confident that they know Josiah is currently experiencing joyous life in heaven.  We'll see what I end up thinking after some more study.     

This is a little random but I like this quotation from C.S. Lewis that I recently read:  "What do people mean when they say, 'I am not afraid of God because I know He is good?'  Have they never even been to a dentist?"

I've been able to have some nice visits with friends this week.  I've also been reading my entries for the last weeks of Josiah's life.  It's a blessing to be able to read about his days and see his smiles. 

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

1 Corinthians 15:51-54
⁵¹ Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— ⁵² in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. ⁵³ For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. ⁵⁴ When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”^[h]

Fun at the farm

The other morning I awoke to the sound of Isaac crying just before 7:00 AM.  I went into his room and he told me that a frog was trying to catch a fly and the fly was in his hair and it was hurting him.  "It wasn't a dream," he told me.   I couldn't find the frog or fly.

Isaac and I had a wonderful time at the farm and I'm excited that we get to go there every Monday for five more weeks.  We met all of the animals, made some tasty cookies using squash, had craft time, went to the garden to see the squash growing, ate our cookies and said goodbye.  The tractor was broken but I think we may have a wagon ride this week.  We'll also be learning more about chickens and eggs.  Isaac didn't want to touch the chicken at first but then he found his nerve.  It's great to see him trying new things.  I need to take some photos at the farm.

Graham and I will be starting a 10-week group course for bereaved parents.  There will be either four or five couples in the group plus the facilitating couple whose son passed away a number of years ago.  We visited the Coping Centre this week and were very impressed and thankful that we live so close.  I already think they are experts at practicing hospitality (there were both baked goods and chocolate put in front of us!) and I trust that the sessions will be helpful. 

Isaac has lots of potty stickers

I listened to an interview with R. C. Sproul Jr. this week whose wife and child died within ten months of each other.  At the end the interviewer asked, "How are you doing?"  I liked his response:  "Because the hardship is not death but absence, it doesn't get better.  The distance doesn't change, because they're still gone.  So my answer is ... we're sad, like we're supposed to be, and we're trusting in the promises of God."

I've been able to cry a few more times.  I was wishing that Josiah's final couple of hours were a little different but in reality his passing happened relatively quickly which was a blessing for him.  (I'm not referring to his time at the hospital which we are both happy about.  We're glad we asked them to do whatever they could to try to save Josiah.  He was already gone then.)

Isaac gave "hay" to all of the animals today

Isaac was excited to be introduced to Amelia Bedelia books this week.  He thinks her name is very funny.  He also started a new Sunday School class last week.  He could even tell us a few things that he'd learned in class. 

I look at Josiah's photos and I'm so thankful to God for all of the time we had with him ... though I wish he were here in my arms.

It's time to head to bed.  Thanks so much for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

1 John 4:7,8
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Escalators

Isaac is hiding from me

The three of us went to a mall today which is a rather rare occurrence.  We wanted to go to Chapters which is part of the mall.  Isaac was quite excited about the escalator.  He travelled up and down with Graham a few times and wants to go back.  Isaac picked a book with Little Critter stories and we were all enjoying the stories tonight.  I was leaning towards him picking "The Little Engine That Could" but he made the right choice.  I just reserved "The Little Engine" at the library.

I heard the baby's heartbeat at my doctor's appointment on Wednesday.  I go for an ultrasound at the end of this month.  I'm feeling good.  Yesterday at lunch Isaac and I were talking about Josiah and the new baby.  Isaac said the new baby would go to heaven but I told him that we're praying that the new baby will be healthy and able to grow up and play with Isaac.  Isaac often reminds me that we were praying for Josiah to learn to crawl, walk, since, dance, and play with Isaac.  I said we'll get to do those things in Heaven. 

I was able to cry at home last Sunday morning so that was nice.  I started by putting on Steven Curtis Chapman's "Beauty Will Rise" cd which are the songs he wrote after his daughter's death.  We've passed the two month mark.  No day feels worse than another for me.  I don't feel much.  I don't know where two months have gone but for both Graham and I it feels like a million years ago when we were last with Josiah. 

On Monday Isaac are I are going to a local farm for a program.  Our session runs for six weeks on Monday mornings.  I think Isaac is going to like the farm.  I don't know what animals they have but I think it's entirely likely that I won't want them too near me so I hope Isaac doesn't pick up on that.

Up high in the combine

Actually, we went to a farm last Sunday and Isaac was able to sit in a combine (we all sat in it).  He also sat in a big truck so he's made lots of progress since we went to the event in June and wouldn't go near the big (or little) trucks.  Mind you, there were a lot of people there and some of the trucks at the event were very noisy.  Noise makes me think of public washrooms.  Whenever I take Isaac into a public washroom he just holds his hands over his ears because he hates the sound of the toilet flushing (he doesn't mind it at home) and he really hates the sound of the loud hand dryers.  I never noticed it before but some of the newer hand dryers that work very well are really far too loud.  We don't use them with Isaac but he knows that in a public washroom you never know when you'll hear a flush or the dryer.  Rest assured he does have to take his hands off of his ears to wash his hands.   

Speaking of the potty, Isaac had regressed in his use of the potty.  From what I've read and heard, this is very normal for what Isaac has gone through in terms of losing his brother and all the changes that have happened.  I think I was being

understanding but I wasn't going to be so forever.  This Mean Momma was about to start taking away toys but I decided I would ask the counsellor first.  When we saw him last week he told me that I shouldn't take away toys and that it would make it worse.  He actually taught about potty training before.  I decided I'd follow his advice for a month.  I armed myself with stickers and educational reward presents from the dollar store.  We talked to Isaac and let him know that this was really normal because of Josiah passing away and that he just needed to relearn to use the potty.  Three days later with no changes I was ready to take away toys again starting this past Monday.  Thankfully for Isaac he decided to start relearning on Monday and he earned his first present.  He's done really well since then and now he's excited to earn his stickers.  There haven't been accidents for a few days.  Praise the Lord!  I still don't think he'll want to ask a stranger (Sunday School teacher) or anyone other than immediate family to take him to the potty but I'm okay with that.  We'll take him before Sunday School begins and hope he lasts (and take a change of clothes).   

Isaac's first potty present

Isaac brought up the name of the volunteer who used to come and see him.  He said he'd like to see her.  I just said that maybe we'd see her one day (maybe we'll see her in a store or something).  I'm thankful that Isaac has a good memory.  I found some stickers in his bag today and I asked him if he knew where they were from.  He said they were from the hospital.  He received these Sesame Street stickers whenever he would leave the playroom at SickKids Hospital.  


I saw someone at the grocery store tonight whom I haven't seen in years.  She asked me how I've been keeping busy.  "Well ...."  I wouldn't have felt right not bringing up Josiah but it's also a little weird telling someone that your baby just passed away. 

I would like to cry and feel more but it might be coming little by little.  Actually, I started crying about something else that I was sad about last week but after two seconds I just changed my thoughts and cried about Josiah instead so it's nice to know that I can do that. 

Thank you so much for your prayers.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Lamentations 3:22-23 
²² Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.