Kernels, wattles, and tears

I was away at a retreat this weekend with women from my church so I'm posting later than usual.  Isaac and Graham had a good time with his parents on the weekend and I had a great time away.  However, I wish I didn't have the luxury of going away on a retreat.  I wish Josiah was here to need his Mommy's care.    

I saw my doctor on Friday and he said that the ultrasound report was good.  I still don't feel the baby very much but he was moving around during the ultrasound.

Isaac and I have had a wonderful time at the farm the last two weeks.  We have one more session in a couple of weeks.  Last week we learned that each silk thread on the corn cob attaches to one kernel of corn so when picking corn at the market we should pick the one with the most silk threads if we want lots of kernels. Today we learned about chicken combs and wattles.  I confess that I have sometimes confused geese and ducks but now I know to look for a beak on a goose or a more flattened bill on a duck. 

Isaac is giving up some of his naps.  The other day he fell asleep in the car around his nap time so I put him to bed when we arrived home.  He woke up a little but said he wanted to sleep.  I heard him crying about five minutes later so I went in and he cried, "Mommy, how do I close my eyes?"   I went to him and closed his eyes for him and then he told me to leave and he went to sleep. 

Isaac's memory continues to amaze me.  This afternoon in the car he told me that he wanted to go to Ronald McDonald House.  I asked him what he missed there and he told me about playing with Snoopy (in the playroom).  He said it had a spout on it and I told him that it was a straw.  He then spoke about the cardinal on the wall outside (it was attached to the wall outside and we used to look at the big mural).  I'm sure we haven't spoken about the cardinal since we were there.  He was last there last November before he turned two years old!  I remember a social worker telling us that kids don't usually have memories at that age but memories can occur if there is a lot of feeling about something.

I received a lovely necklace from a beautiful stranger this week.  There was a package in the mailbox from someone who has been praying for us.  She had the necklace made with Josiah's name and the dates of his birth and death.  I am very touched that she would do this for me and it means a great deal to me.  At the moment I'm still wearing my Josiah necklace that I've worn since he passed away (I had this when he was alive as I have a different necklace that I wear for Graham, each of the boys and the baby we lost) but I look forward to wearing this new necklace when I'm ready.

I think I cried three times this week.  It hit me during the singing time at church, during our group session, and also during one of the singing times at the retreat.  At our group session this week we spoke about Josiah's final moments.  I cried because I wished I had been able to really mourn for Josiah at his passing.  I understand why I couldn't but I can still grieve the loss of not being able to mourn then.  However, a couple of the stories from others made me realize that my being able to feel in control of my emotions was also a blessing in some ways.  One family felt blessed to have lots of people all around them and in their home but both Graham and I knew this would not have felt like a blessing to us.  Another family had others make a lot of the decisions that needed to be made but it was important to us to make these decisions ourselves (though we are very thankful for all the advice and wisdom we received from others).  I'm so thankful that God showed me these unseen blessings.  He knows what we need.

Josiah has been gone for over three months now.  How can it be that he is no longer here?  I wrote this on Saturday night:

In the intimacy of worshiping my Lord and God, He gives me the gift of tears.  He lets me feel close to Josiah through the pain of missing him.  I rock side to side to the music and remember holding him in my arms - my empty arms that long to hold, love, and protect him.  When I sing about the cross, I remember Josiah's suffering before his death.  Don't pray for my heart to be healed - pray for it to be broken deeply and fully.  Through the pain and tears healing will come. 

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 84:6
When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
    it will become a place of refreshing springs.
    The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.