Thankfulness and tears

Last week in church I realized again the immense list of things to be thankful for in regard to Josiah.  I think it's only by God's incredible grace that I look back on those three and a half months in Toronto, when Josiah was at SickKids, with fond memories.  I remember the doctors, surgeons, fellows, nurses, physiotherapists, pharmacists, other parents, the incredible support, the meals, the walks back and forth, ... with a grateful heart.  Just this week we saw an uncommon name in print and Graham noted that Josiah had had an RT with that name.

We enjoyed a birthday celebration for Isaac last Sunday afternoon.  The bacon-wrapped dates filled with goat cheese seemed to turn out well.  Isaac turned 3 years old this past Wednesday.   In bed the night of his celebration, Isaac told me that Josiah would have been able to have some of his cake and also some of his cousins' cake.

I want to clarify some of my comments in last week's blog post regarding whether or not I'm isolating myself.  I'm not.  However, I'm worse than ever at returning phone calls and emails.  I not too interested in Christmas parties but I've never been much of a party girl.  I'm more of a one-on-one heart-to-heart girl or a small-group girl.  I enjoyed a movie night with one friend and coffee with another friend this week.

It's said that grief changes you.  I've talked to other parents, some of whom see very little change in themselves and others who see many changes.  My own verdict is still out.  I won't rush to make this conclusion.  I've heard and read others in my situation discuss all they've learned through the challenges.  I'm not yet sure what my list would include.   

Apparently pumpkins can last quite a while.  I roasted the pumpkin that Isaac picked from the pumpkin patch that has been sitting alternately on my dishwasher and counter.  I added it to my first risotto along with curry spice and we enjoyed it.  I've also decided that roasted broccoli is much better than steamed broccoli.  Isaac still isn't a fan of this green vegetable.  I think it may have to do with the texture.

I look at Josiah's photos or videos and say, "How is it possible that you are not here?  How is it possible that you haven't been here for five months?  How can my sweet, sweet, baby be gone?  He was such a sweet baby.  I cried the night of Isaac's party and birthday as I was sad that the boys couldn't be together.  I cried today when I realized that I'd only taken a few photos of Josiah for two minutes on the evening before he died (of course, I should be incredibly grateful - and I am - that I have photos in the days, weeks, and months before he died.)  I cried watching Youtube videos of soldiers returning home and surprising their children - oh, if only Josiah could come and surprise me.  I appreciate the tears.

I was talking to a mother recently on the first anniversary of her baby's death.  She has dreams of her baby.  I think it would be great to be able to dream about Josiah and see him in more than just a photo or video.  I wonder if it's not hard to look at his photos or videos because I still haven't really processed that he's gone and not coming back.  It's possible.

One of my friends had her baby this afternoon.  Congratulations! 

This morning Isaac called for me when he woke up.  I went in and sat down on his bed and gave him a hug.  He said, "I like you.  You are the best mommy I ever had."

Isaac's last night being two!

Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Luke 2:13-14
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying:

“Glory to God in the highest,
And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!”