Conversations with Isaac

This is Isaac's train that he is driving

Isaac:  Can we go to the hospital again?
Mommy:  What for?
Isaac:  Can we go to the hospital when the new baby dies?

***

Mommy:  (singing) "You are the potter.  I am the clay.  Mold me and make me, this is what I pray."
Isaac:  I don't want to be the potter.
Mommy: You're not, you're the clay.
Isaac: I don't want to be the clay.
Mommy:  What do you want to be?
Isaac: An amphibian.

(Background: Isaac received a book about different types of animals.  He tells me he doesn't want to be a mammal (pronounced ma'am at the time) but an amphibian.  I think he wants to be able to breath with his skin, which is a remarkable feat.  I wish Josiah had been able to breath with his skin (while still looking normal).

***

Isaac: Sometimes I pray to Jesus when I am asleep.
Mommy: What do you pray?
Isaac: I ask him to help me listen and obey.

***

Isaac: They won't work.  They are asleep.  [He is referring to his legs.  We just entered a store and he stopped walking.]
Mommy: Well, you need to tell them to wake up.
Isaac: Wake up legs!  It worked.

***

I'm reading Ann Voskamp's book, The Greatest Gift, which has daily Advent readings.  I read it out loud with Isaac when we're at the table and he's finishing his breakfast or lunch.  One of the suggested activities this week was to "create something out of your love."  I decided to ask Isaac what we should make.  He said we could draw a picture of a green apple (we were eating red apples at the time).  I asked him who we should give it to.  He said, "Baby Josiah."  Isaac "drew" a picture of an apple tree with a green apple and then I wrote on it the message that he wanted.  At the end, we prayed that Jesus would show Josiah the picture.

Isaac pretending he is a donkey

I am excited about Advent.  I've never celebrated or practiced Advent before.  I'm hoping this helps to prepare our hearts for Christmas.  We have a wooden wreath with 24 holes.  Each night Isaac moves the candle forward one hole and moves a wooden Mary on the donkey beside the candle.  Graham usually reads some Bible verses and then we pray. 

We put up the Christmas tree on Friday night.  This is the less than $10 Christmas tree we found at Value Village for our first married Christmas nine years ago.  The base is having a few issues so we actually used some thread to tie and hold the tree upright.  Perfect.

In front of the memory tree at The Coping Centre

I went to McMaster Hospital for a fetal echocardiogram on Thursday.  They checked for any major heart defects and they didn't find any so we thank God for the good news.

Thursday evening, the three of us went to a Christmas grief memorial at The Coping Centre where we've done our group sessions with other bereaved parents.  It was nice to be able to take Isaac.  In addition to a gift for each of us, there was an ornament with Josiah's name on it that we placed on lit trees outside the Centre (a beautiful century home on the Grand River).  It was nice to see some of the others from the group.  Isaac was most excited about his cupcake. 

We are anticipating a good Christmas season.  One piece of advice that has been given to us is to decrease the to-do list.  We delegated a lot of the gift buying and I think we've decided not to do Christmas cards.  If we did cards, we'd want to do a photo card and it would be a little difficult to make these without Josiah in the photo.  We may just continue the tradition that we started last year with Easter photo cards.  We should have a baby in arms then for the family photo.  We'll see if this turns out to be feasible. 

Elizabeth and Isaac with Josiah's ornament on the memory tree

We received very exciting news this week.  As of December 1, Graham is now a permanent full-time employee at the University of Waterloo as a Web Developer/Programmer in the library.  He's been there on contract for nearly two years and this job has been such a blessing from God in so many ways.  The job was advertised and he applied and was interviewed and hired.  Graham started working at the library just as we were finding out that our baby in utero (Josiah) would have many challenges.  From Day 1, Graham's collegues have been incredibly supportive to our family.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading Bread & Wine: a love letter to life around the table with recipes, by Shauna Niequist.  I made mango chicken curry as well as enchiladas this week and I'm hoping that the bacon-wrapped dates filled with goat cheese are as good as she claims.  They are prepped in my fridge and we'll try them tomorrow.  It's quite relaxing to split dates and fill them with goat cheese with the hope of beautiful deliciousness tomorrow. 

So, I'm staying up far too late most nights.  I'm keeping occupied (read: preoccupied, distracted).  Someone suggested that our home must be so clean but that is not what I'm spending much time on.  Actually, I've received a few comments that seem to suggest that people think I'm isolating myself.  I wouldn't say this is happening any more than usual with my introverted preferences.  Isaac and I are often out and we are happy to see people.  I do know that I'm enjoying my Isaac time and as much as I will welcome this new baby with open arms, I know I will also miss one-on-one time with Isaac.  I wasn't prepared for that the first time around with Josiah (and Isaac was so young and Josiah had lots of extra challenges requiring more of me) so at least I'm going into it with open eyes this time. 

It's now been over five months since Josiah passed away.  Since the beginning it seemed like it had been a million years since I had last held Josiah, and it still does.  However, (and I'm not sure if my words will adequately express what I'm trying to say), it's not the same with my grief.  It doesn't seem like time has passed for my grieving.  I haven't processed his death yet just because five months have gone by and I'm not "moving on" as someone wondered.  It doesn't seem like five months in that sense - it seems like no time at all.    

Okay - I can't put off sleep much longer.  Thank you for your prayers!  Friends of my in-laws stopped me in the store this week and told me that they've read the blog all along.  People are so kind to do that.  It means a lot.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Genesis 21:6
God has brought me laughter.