As a result of a tragic accident, my aunt has passed away. I last saw her in 2011 when we visited Northern Ireland. She loved Jesus, knew joy, had such a wonderful infectious laugh, told great stories, had compassion, and was very generous. She was a beautiful woman and a loving wife and mother. I wish I had known her better. One day I will.
She is in the presence of her loving Saviour. Tragedies don't make sense. They are not supposed to make sense.
I hesitate to embed the song below as it sounds joyous. As my family meets tomorrow it will not be a joyful occasion but one of grief. As N.T. Wright said in regard to those who experience a loved one's death: "Death is a monster; death is horrible."
However, we praise God for Jesus, for redemption, for good out of bad, for the coming resurrection, for the hope that lights our hearts and the peace that only God can give. We do not forget that Jesus has overcome this world. We stand in defiance of our enemy. Our God reigns and will forever do so.
Dear Auntie Heather, I expected I would see you again on this side of glory. I am sad to know that won't be the case. I am sad for your family. We miss you and love you. I am so thankful to know that we will all celebrate together one day. This song is for you with love from Elizabeth (More Than Conquerors by Rend Collective):
John 16:33
33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Isaac told me tonight that when he was little he looked out our front window up at the sky to see if he could see Josiah. He couldn't. A couple of weeks ago Isaac said, "I think Josiah's happier in Heaven than he was here." I do too. Isaac told me last week that he wanted to go to Heaven and asked if we could go. He wants to know why God hasn't called us home yet.
Josiah lived for 450 days after his birth. We thank God for that time with him. As of today, I have lived without him for 450 days.
We visited Ronald McDonald House Toronto on Saturday and ate our lunch at SickKids. Isaac has asked for a while to go back to RMHT to play in the playroom so I called them up and they were happy to accomodate. Isaac's also spoken about going to the Toronto farm that we visited while we stayed there so we were planning to do that as well but Isaac just wanted to play at RMHT. He played for a long time in the small play room and then outside on the playground that looks like a fire truck. It was a beautiful day and happily it included some Thai food for supper. You can't go wrong with panang curry.
Isaac is Mr. Observant. We were at an event in August at which most of the other women and girls were more dressed up than I was. I was helping him in the washroom and he asked me, "Where's your dress?" He has also recently realized that we have the smallest home of those he has visited. I was putting him to bed one night and he asked why our house isn't bigger. I was explaining to him how God provided our home and how we are so thankful for it and how I am able to stay home, etc. He told me he wants a huge house. He would have more fun in a bigger house. He would play more. I said that perhaps he would have a bigger house when he's my age.
I love walking Isaac to and from school. Thankfully the weather has been amazing. I was crunching leaves underfoot this morning. I love that sound! Each morning Isaac tells me that he doesn't want to go to school and then when I pick him up at lunch time he tells me that he had a wonderful morning. I've been able to volunteer with the class once and also do a couple of odd jobs for the teacher at my home. I like being part of this school community. I've been able to meet a few other moms as we wait for the kids to go inside. I've been encouraging Isaac to be a "Friendly Faulkner" to his classmates.
Graham and I both started attending Bible studies a few weeks ago. I googled "Women's Bible Study Kitchener" and found one not too far from where we live. It's been nice to meet some people there and I'm thrilled to be part of a study again. I'm also thankful that mine starts at 9:30 (Graham's study is at 6:30!)
I found Kohen's first tooth last week! It hasn't seemed to bother him very much. He's officially sitting up now. I like being able to leave him sitting with his toys.
Isaac has recently started drawing a lot more. It's such fun watching him grow and develop. I hope he always makes us stories. He told us the other day that he took Kohen with him to collect frogs in the tropical rainforest. Kohen was stung by a beetle that went into his heart and made it cold. The beetle didn't sting Isaac because it doesn't sting doctors (Isaac was a doctor). Isaac used his saw to get the beetle out of Kohen's heart.
Isaac told me that he and Bearamiah (one of his bears) went to see Pharoah in Egypt to make him happy. "Bearamiah sang The Lord is My Shepherd. I sang with him because I know the words so if he forgot some, I could help him."
The last few weekends we've actually been somewhat energetic. We've flown a kite for the first time with Isaac (at the cemetery) and gone for walks with Isaac on his bike. I'm happy to say that we've had homemade pizza two Fridays in a row and they tasted much better the second week. Isaac likes looking in the bread maker and putting on the toppings.
It was so wonderful to have a cousin visiting from Northern Ireland. Oh how I wish we lived closer to so many people.
Every so often Kohen will cry a lot and it will be hard to get him to stop. That takes me back to when we couldn't get Josiah to stop crying. For a split second I think maybe something's wrong with Kohen that wasn't found in the echo. Perhaps his oxygen saturation level is lower than it should be. I don't want to lose another child. I'm not sure if I'll be brave enough (strong enough) to do real sleep training with Kohen as that would involve a lot of crying (at least it did with Isaac). He goes down fairly well so maybe we'll get away without it.
Thank you for your prayers.
Blessings,
Elizabeth
Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their
eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the
old order of things has passed away.
Isaac has started school! Last Tuesday, Graham, Isaac and I went to meet Isaac's teacher for an interview and then Isaac started school on Wednesday morning. I had a letter waiting at his seat at the kitchen table before school started as my mom always wrote us a letter on the first day of school. He liked his letter and then immediately told me that when Chippy and Skippy got their letters they had French words. I think I said in the last post that Isaac likes to make up words. I forgot to mention that he often tells me that the words are French or Thai words.
We were told to take a family photo to school to be displayed. We let Isaac choose which photo he wanted. He chose one which included Josiah's headstone.
I told Isaac that there would be a nice surprise waiting for him when we returned home from school at lunch time. He walked into his room to find a new Thomas the Tank bedspread, sheets and curtains. He's not a big fan of surprises or change so I was taking a little risk but I was pretty sure he'd love it and he does. His favourite part of school was "lunch".
Waiting for the bell!
I'm looking forward to seeing how he does with a whole week of school. I'm so glad we're not sending him all day which would be 9:10 - 3:30. I pick him up around 12:00 PM after he eats his lunch. He told me that he's making friends who aren't in his Sunday School class. I'm excited for him and this new adventure. I'd love to be a fly on the wall.
The other day Isaac went somewhere with Graham so he kissed me good-bye and then said, "Mommy, will you take care of Kohen for me?" I assured him that I would. Isaac is quite affectionate with Kohen and a great helper.
Isaac told me this past week that there's a "fan in Heaven." I pointed to the standing fan in our living room and asked him if he meant that. He told me that it's a pretend fan and then said, "The fan in Heaven blows out God's love." Apparently Isaac has a "picture making machine." He explained that he thinks something and the picture goes to his head. He also said that if he doesn't know a word when he's reading, he puts the light on in his head and then he can see it and read it. He certainly knows how to entertain his Mommy and Daddy.
I've been staying up too late. The other night I got out of bed to go and watch videos of Josiah, including the video of his first (and only) birthday. It's kind of bizarre watching the videos because he seems so much worse than we thought he was. So, I want more videos and yet I don't.
Death is so final in this life. The other day I looked into the backseat through my rearview mirror. Kohen's mirror only showed his feet and stomach so I couldn't see his face. It could have so easily been Josiah sitting there; he wore the same outfit many moons ago. I want to relive those memories but it doesn't work that way. I used to think that memories and photos were a way to sort of access the past but I'm only ever in the present, trying to reach back, with my access denied. He's not here in the present. I guess some people dream about their loved ones. I think that would be lovely but that's never happened for me. I haven't had any tears in ages. Crying is the only time that I feel a sense of closeness to Josiah. That's why I want to cry. I can only feel close to him during the painful tears - otherwise there's no feeling or barely any feeling.
I enjoyed reading "A Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Vanauken. He tells of the death of his wife Davy. I'm reading a little of the sequel, "Under the Mercy." He talks about what he calls:
"the Second Death, the moment when the grief comes to an end, as it must, and the tears are dried and the beloved (though no less dear) becomes remote. ... What follows the Second Death is not a sudden renewal of joy and laughter but a terrible emptiness, a hollow at the centre of one's being: one is, as C.S. Lewis wrote to me, "bereaved of the bereavement itself." There is no more sense of the beloved's presence, yet no more tears for the new loss. ... But what the typical day did not disclose and what those round me did not discern beneath my cheerful demeanour was what I've called the hollow at the centre--the Davy-shaped hollow. This should not be taken to mean grief--the traditional 'broken heart'. The tears were gone. And she was gone, not to return in this life. It was, I imagine, a bit like the loss of an arm; the loss is accepted, new ways of coping are invented, life goes on, but there is an empty sleeve. So in me the emptiness, the hollow, where once Davy had been ... a hollow that only she could fit."
Graham took the day off last Friday and we went to Centre Island and then stayed in a hotel north of Toronto. The four of us went swimming together in the pool. It felt so great to be in the pool and it was Kohen's first time.
Isaac surprised us by going on a pony at Centreville and he was very happy in the cold splashpad. He was actually doing a little dance and yelling, "I'M SO HAPPY!" and "I'M HAVING FUN!"
I realized on that trip that my mind likes to always come up with ways that things could be better (for example, if we'd packed a picnic and left earlier). I let those thoughts come into my head but then I tried to just be thankful for what was happening (thankfully we can afford to buy lunch, etc). That's something I need to practice.
Graham was watching Isaac at a McDonald's playland. Graham thought it was pretty cute that Isaac was pretending to be Jesus. Isaac told Graham that the other children were his disciples. Thankfully he didn't tell the children that they were his disciples!
Kohen had his six-month shots last week. Thankfully he has chunky thighs because he didn't even notice the needle! He's now had rice cereal, carrots, sweet potato, and banana. Tomorrow he'll have squash. It's been fun using the blender to make his food. He's not a fan of bibs. He's getting better at waving.
Apparently it's Grandparent's Day today! Our family plus two of our lovely nieces and the four grandparents all went on the train from Waterloo to St. Jacobs yesterday. It was fun to be together.
We've had a good few weeks. Graham had a week off from work so we enjoyed some time with family near Ottawa and we spent a night in Cobourg on the way home to give Isaac some time at the beach. It was always exciting to go to a hotel when I was little. In addition to a pool and a complimentary breakfast, one of the most exciting parts when I was a child was the cable television. We might see Little House on the Prairie or the Waltons on TV. We don't have a television at our home but Isaac has seen DVDs. I thought it would be fun for him to watch some TV at the hotel so we asked him in the morning if he'd like to watch cartoons. He answered, "What are cartoons?"
***
One morning when we were at the breakfast table, we were comparing our feet for some reason:
Mommy: "Kohen, one day your feet will be bigger than Mommy's and so will your brother's."
Isaac: "Because I'm going to be a daddy."
Mommy: "We pray that you'll be a daddy but what do you need before you can be a daddy? A wonderful, godly ..."
Isaac: "Wife."
Mommy: "Yes, we'll pray for that."
Isaac: "Just like you."
***
While driving on the way to the park I hear the following from Isaac in the backseat:
"I know why it's called a dandelion. It's dandy and the petals are its mane."
***
I asked Isaac what he liked best about going on the bus with daddy to his work. He answered, "All the time I spent with Daddy."
***
Isaac was getting in trouble for banging on his bedroom wall with his feet so he was told he couldn't put his feet on the wall. He put his feet under the sheet and then proceeded to touch the wall with the sheet.
***
Isaac often makes up words and definitions. For example, "manbon - a cottage that can drive on the road." I wish I'd written down all his words. I could make him his own dictionary.
***
Isaac was swinging at the park with Graham and he said, "I love the world."
***
Graham and Isaac were reading a book in which there was a body of water. Graham said, "Isaac, maybe that's a pool or a lake." Isaac replied, "Daddy, I think it's a lake because it has fish." :)
***
Isaac enjoyed attending Vacation Bible School this week for the first time. I'm hoping that this was good preparation for leaving him at school in a couple of weeks.
Kohen is now over five months old. I recently introduced him to the exersaucer and we're both happy he has a new place to go. He loves attention and has been giving away lots of smiles to strangers. He loves being upside down or up in the air riding on my legs. On Thursday he started pulling himself forward with his arms for the first time. He will be very happy to have more mobility.
Kohen has also started eating a little rice cereal. He's doing quite well at the eating, though I'm trying to figure out if he's reacting a little to the cereal for some reason. By "quite well," I mean that he gets food all over his face but some goes into his mouth and he hasn't gagged at all. I don't imagine rice cereal will be his favourite food but it's all the doctor said to give him until he's six months old.
For our anniversary last year Graham and I made mugs at a pottery place. I put "E & G" on the bottom of my mug but after Josiah passed away I'd always wished that I'd added "I & J". I also put a heart on the inside bottom of my mug. I was looking at the mug this week and saw a perfect "J" made by half of the heart (upside down). The straight part on the other half of the heart will be the "I". That was a nice gift.
They say in the grief workshops that going over the "what ifs" is an important part of grieving. It's just over two years since Josiah's first open-heart surgery. I was reading the August 2012 posts and remembering. This resulted in a lot of "If only ..." and "What would have happened if ...?" and "We should have ..."
It is great to be able to read the blog posts. I see the importance of memorials like the one the Israelites built after they crossed the Jordan. Perhaps it is easier to trust in God's power, control, and sovereignty when one is going through the tough times. At these times it is clear that God is our help and our strength and our only hope. It may be harder later - when the desired ending doesn't arrive and time goes by - to remember all that God did. When I read the old blog posts I can see many opportunities when I would have liked God to step in and change something, but I can also see how He was always there with us and helped us in countless ways. May the blog posts be a memorial of God's goodness to our family. God blessed us with Josiah. I will always wish he wasn't a distant memory - until we meet again.
Isaac, Kohen and I went to Isaac's school today to have a picnic at lunch. Tonight at dinner Isaac asked if we could go back to his school. I'm happy that he's getting used to the idea (sort of). I'm going to miss that dear boy.
Thanks for your prayers!
Blessings,
Elizabeth
1 John 5:12
He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.
I look for Josiah at the grocery store ... in the ice cream aisle, the candy section, amongst the baked goods and chocolate, even chips. They've never been more tempting as I search for that which I am missing. The Magnum bars did not satisfy, they did not fulfill their promise. Maybe licorice will help ... or making the world's best chocolate chip cookies (I'll let you know if sea salt has been the missing ingredient). This is not what I should do with my grief but it is the easiest thing to do.
I had wanted to make Graham a photo mug for Father's Day but when I sat down to pick the photos I didn't know whether to include Josiah or not. I asked Graham after the event what photos he'd like on a mug but he didn't know either - so no mug.
We had some new carpet put in our bedrooms so everything had to be moved to our living room. Isaac decided that he wanted to be back in his old yellow room so Kohen is now in the green room (Josiah's old room). The room is set up differently but I often think of Josiah as I nurse and rock Kohen in the comfy brown chair.
We've enjoyed spending some time with Graham's brother from B.C. He heads home tomorrow.
Kohen is four and a half months old. At this stage I'd say he's our happiest, noisiest, most energetic baby of the three (of course, Josiah was intubated at this stage and had a few other issues!) Kohen's in the 97th percentile for height and the 75th for weight so he's tall for his age.
I realized recently that I won't always have the physical reminders of Josiah. I like having the reminders. One day the crib will no longer be needed and the baby toys won't be strewn around the house. The baby swing will be gone, as will the car seat and highchair. Thankfully that won't happen for a while. We'll all grow older but the photo of Josiah will always stay the same.
My cousin and her family from Northern Ireland sent the boys some football (soccer) jerseys. Isaac loves wearing his.
Gary the goat is a new favourite character in Graham's bedtime stories. Graham decided to test Isaac the other night. In his story a bird went to get an avocado for Isaac and Gary but the bird fell down and was hurt. Graham asked Isaac if he would eat the avocado or go and help the bird. Isaac decided he would eat the avocado really quickly and then help the bird.
Isaac now has an awesome pushbike from his cousin in B.C. I'd never heard of them before but Isaac loves his. He even skipped dessert the first night he had it so that he could have more time on the bike.
Isaac has been listening. We were walking in the cemetery this afternoon and Isaac said to Graham, "Daddy, did you know that God makes good out of bad?"
At the SickKids memorial event a couple of months ago, Isaac made a memory box that he called a Kiss Box (we'd recently read a library book about a kiss box). This week we made kisses for the kiss box. The kisses are cut out hearts. Each person in the family has a different colour of paper for the hearts. We can each go to the box for a kiss (for example if Mommy isn't around for a real kiss) and Josiah is always able to get a kiss. Here's Isaac cutting out kisses.
Thanks for your prayers!
Blessings,
Elizabeth
Hebrew 11:6 And without faith it is impossible
to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he
exists and that he rewards those who seek him.
It feels like both a day and an age since he was in my arms. Last year Josiah woke us for the last time at 5:42 on the Saturday morning - this time it was Isaac who was crying then. I replayed what happened in my head until 8:30 AM when they stopped CPR. I reread the blog entries, remembering. I sang the "We miss you Josiah" song with Isaac as I made waffles for breakfast. Isaac asked me again why Josiah had to die. We blew Josiah kisses.
My parents just returned from a month in Northern Ireland and England. It was great to welcome them back. Isaac gave Grandma lots of kisses. I remember when I was a child how wonderful it felt to return home after a vacation. That feeling of home is hard to articulate. I suspect upon reaching Heaven, one experiences the ultimate feeling of being at home and being where one belongs and really, being in that place where one has always longed for. I'm glad Josiah can experience that.
I wrote the above last night but I just kept falling asleep and couldn't finish the post. Even though today is the 6th, it felt like the anniversary of Josiah's death was yesterday as it all happened on a Saturday. I ended the day by watching the 8 minute presentation of photo clips that we showed at the funeral.
Upon arriving at church this morning, our pastor's wife gave me a hug and whispered, "We'll never forget." Thank you. Thank you to everyone who hasn't forgotten. Please don't forget my baby with the beautiful blue eyes, incredible smile, and soft curly hair: Josiah Nathanael Gabriel Faulkner.
Isaac asked me again tonight why Josiah died. We usually ask Isaac why he thinks Josiah died and he talks about his sick heart. He'll also ask me why we prayed for Josiah. We say that we know God could have healed him but we don't know why he didn't. Tonight I told Isaac that God wanted to do amazing things through Josiah's death - things we haven't seen yet.
Today all our local family ate lunch together and then went to the cemetery. The headstone was installed on Thursday so today was the unveiling. On the stone there's a scene with a lamb in a field. On our first visit to McMaster Hospital, the day we found out what was wrong with Josiah when he was in utero, Graham found a beautiful picture book of the 23rd Psalm - The Lord is My Shepherd. I love the illustrations. The scene on the headstone is from this book and the verse at the bottom is Psalm 23:6. My nieces read the book and then we sang the 23rd Psalm and each person placed a rose on the gravesite. We enjoyed a walk around the cemetery and then ate ice cream cake for dessert.
Actually, when Graham picked up the cake he chatted with a stranger whose husband died just two months ago and whose daughter died sometime before that. Graham was able to give her information about The Coping Centre as it was very helpful to us.
Each day I've been reading last year's blog entries. They are great reminders of the countless blessings we received for which we are so thankful. God's timing throughout this journey has been perfect. God gave us beautiful memories with Josiah. We anticipate a glorious reunion.
Psalm 116:15 says, "Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints." The thought came to me this week - I wonder if there were angels around us and with Josiah as he passed away. Our nurse dreamed that night that a stranger came and took away Josiah in his stroller and the nurse couldn't find him. There was one short moment that Graham and I remember when something happened and Josiah looked so afraid. I hope an angel was there to calm his fear and let him know that he was about to meet Jesus. I'm so thankful he will never fear or be in pain ever again.
Josiah, your Mommy and Daddy and your two brothers love you and miss you. Catch our kisses.
Thank you for your prayers.
Blessings,
Elizabeth
Psalm 116:15
Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.
In many ways I don't want July to come. As I daily read the blog entries from last year, I'm watching a play unfold and I know what's coming, though the actors are unaware. A year ago today I found out I was pregnant and happily informed Josiah that he was going to be a big brother. How is it possible that in a few days we will reach the first anniversary of Josiah's death?
Tonight we watched a show in which people knew death was coming and they were able to say goodbye. I trust that God knew what was best for everyone but I do sometimes daydream about what it would have been like to know that Josiah was dying then. How I would have held him and kissed him and told him how proud we were of him and how thankful we were for him and how much we loved him. Or, would I have simply begged Jesus for more time? I would have wanted the boys to be together. Isaac would have given him kisses.
Yesterday I cried in church as I remembered Josiah's final Sunday last year. On that day many people commented on how well he looked. Both Graham and I were able to cry the Saturday evening after a show helped us trigger some emotion. It may have been the first time we've cried together.
On Friday we went to approve the final draft of Josiah's headstone. It will be put up this week and our local family will visit the cemetery on Sunday. I could have cried more then but I had two boys to drive home. On Saturday I was hoping for a miracle. One of Josiah's favourite toys was a red helicopter that made sounds and had a British accent. We received it at the hospital. I think we last saw it shortly before his death. It's been on my to-do list to go to the funeral home to make sure that it didn't get mixed up with the toys there as we took most of Josiah's toys for the visitations. It was quite silly but I looked under every possible cushion and behind curtains, ever hopeful.
Isaac is regularly asking us why Josiah died. Of course, there isn't an answer that will suffice for any of us.
We went to the Brantford Zoo on Saturday and had a good time.
Introducing the boys to the World Cup
Graham has introduced Isaac to soccer (football) via the Internet and the World Cup. Isaac told us that he's going to play in the World Cup. I guess he should join a team at some point. It won't happen this year so hopefully it won't be too late to start him at four and half years of age, next year. :) By the way, Kohen only watched the game for a couple of minutes (in the photo to the left).
Isaac is a sweet boy. We were in the grocery store and they didn't have something I was wanting. I said, "Mommy's a little sad." He immediately wanted to give me a hug.
I try to be discreet when I'm nursing Kohen. This week Isaac asked me if I had a hole in my tummy (in order to feed Kohen). He also asked me when Kohen would be a big brother. I told him that would mean that we'd need to have another baby and asked him if he thought we should. He answered yes. I told him we'd have to see what God wants. Mommy and Daddy aren't ready to entertain that discussion.
Reading to Kohen
Kohen is happier and it's easier to obtain a smile. He laughs when I hang him upside down and swing him. He likes playing peekaboo and having airplane rides. Getting him to sleep is a little more challenging because he just rolls onto his tummy and then starts crying. That also happens in the night and wakes him up (and therefore wakes me up). I think he has the most energy out of all three boys at that age. He wants to move.
I need to get to sleep. Thanks for your prayers!
Blessings,
Elizabeth
` Corinthians 15:54-55 54 When
the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on
immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:
“Death is swallowed up in victory.” 55 “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?”
