Graham returns to work on Monday as his parental leave has come to an end. Kohen is going to be surprised Monday morning when I put him in his snowsuit instead of putting him down for his nap. As always, God had perfect timing for Graham to be off. Kohen has been sick and on antibiotics three times during Graham's time at home so it's been very helpful to let him sleep instead of taking him out.
Graham and Isaac had a Daddy-son date today. They saw the Three Musical Pigs put on by the KW Symphony. Isaac's going to miss spending the extra time with Graham. He's already asked if he can go with Graham to work.
Putting shelves together
Graham is looking forward to going back to work. I think he needs a break! He has spent hours painting our basement this past month and putting shelves together and moving boxes. We are excited to have a usable basement (almost).
Some Isaac moments to keep me laughing when I'm old:
A washroom conversation with Mommy:
Isaac: Can you ask God to tell me who my wife will be?
Mommy: I don't think He'll tell us.
Isaac: Why not?
Mommy: Surprises are fun.
Isaac: Can she please tickle our children?
Mommy: [I prayed that Isaac's future wife will tickle their children ... and a host of other things.]
A washroom conversation with Daddy:
Isaac: What do you think I'm going to be when I grow up?
Daddy: Whatever you want to be.
Isaac: Whatever God wants me to be.
As Graham parked the car at school to drop off Isaac in -25 degree weather:
Isaac: Let's pretend we're under a shady tree eating ice cream.
At the kitchen table with Mommy:
Isaac: When will Josiah come down? Maybe we can ask Jesus to bring him down.
Kohen is enjoying his new mobility. He always gravitates towards whatever is off limits. He is Mr. Drama and throws his head back with loud protests whenever we impede his desired outcome. I have figured out that he is a cat. He is cuddly and lovely with the softest cheeks and he's sweet and cute ... and he'll swipe his claws at your face with speed and accuracy and make noises that must cause the neighbours to wonder what is going on. He is usually loud and often very playful. He throws his food and our rebukes or turning his chair to face away from the table is initially met with his laughter.
It's hard to believe but we are celebrating Kohen's first birthday this week. The day after he'll receive the gift of three needles at his doctor's office. I'm so thankful for our medical system. If I had a medical concern right now, I could call a number and speak with a nurse (as I did last week when Kohen's temperature was 104 degrees).
Graham and I will be hosting a Bible study in our home, starting in a few weeks. We are looking forward to it.
My computer is not making happy sounds, so I'll say goodnight. I may have to add photos later. Thanks for your prayers!
Blessings,
Elizabeth
1 Chronicles 16:11
Look to the Lord and His strength; seek his face always.
Well, January has flown by. Yesterday, Kohen took his first few steps without holding onto anything. It's exciting to watch our boys grow and develop.
I have another month of Isaac conversations. I hope he enjoys reading these when he's older. I know I will enjoy remembering. Isaac seems to have turned some sort of corner. A couple of weeks ago both his school teachers and his Sunday school teachers told us that we have a chatterbox (who still listens attentively). He's also been chatting with workers helping us renovate our basement as well as store employees. We've known for a long time that he's talkative but it's nice that he's comfortable sharing that part of himself in other environments.
We keep our bathroom door closed as Kohen will head straight for the bathtub and toilet any time the door is open. Isaac knows to check if anyone is in the washroom before entering. One day I just went into the washroom to get something. When I returned to the kitchen Isaac said, "Mommy, when you go in the bathroom, you really should knock. I think Chippy was in there." I answered, "I didn't see him." Isaac responded, "He was in there." (Chippy is the chipmunk in the Chippy and Skippy stories that Graham tells Isaac.)
***
I saw Isaac sitting on the couch one morning, looking at Josiah's photo across the room. He said, "I'm just remembering."
***
I was cuddling with Isaac and Kohen on the chair in Kohen's room. I said, "You are lovely boys." Isaac replied, "I think Kohen is the loveliest."
***
At the breakfast table one morning we were listening to some music and I was commenting on some of the lyrics. Isaac told me, "Mommy, when I was only two, on one of my apps on Daddy's iPod, Jesus said we didn't have to worry about anything."
***
Isaac often likes to whisper things in our ears. Graham, Isaac, and I were going to go ice skating one afternoon. Isaac asked to whisper in my ear and told me, "Actually I'm not going." I let him know that he was going. He said, "When I was little I couldn't say the word 'actually' but now I can." (He went skating.)
***
Mommy: Isaac, did you say good morning to Jesus this morning?
Isaac: Maybe just Josiah.
Mommy: Do you say good morning to Josiah every morning?
Isaac: Yes.
***
Graham often uses the analogy of carrying heavy luggage to
explain to Isaac why some things are too old for him. Tonight Graham
told Isaac he needed to preview something first to make sure it would be
appropriate for Isaac to watch. He again brought up the idea of luggage being too heavy for Isaac
to carry. Isaac told Graham that sometimes little boys can push the
heavy luggage on wheels.
***
Sleeping at Grandma and Grandpa's house
While in the car on the way to Grandma and Grandpa Lucas' home, Isaac said he wanted to sleep over at their house. I said we would need to ask them when a good night would be for him to sleep over and plan it. He said, "Maybe they'll say tonight is a good night." As you can see from the photo, the conversation went just as Isaac hoped it would.
***
I'm enjoying listening to the group Rend Collective. I liked what one member of the group said on an online video I watched:
"Recently we made a theological breakthrough as a community and it has changed everything about our approach. We realized that seriousness is not a fruit of the Spirit but joy is. We come with a gospel worth celebrating before a celebrating King and we think our response as worshipers should be obvious. ... We need to get down to the serious business of joy because the joy of the Lord is our strength. And after all, heaven's going to be the greatest party of all time and we need to start practicing now. So don't get caught up in your guilt or failure. You are forgiven. You are free and you're worth more to God than you can ever imagine."
It seems completely impossible that Josiah wasn't here this time last year. I actually stop and think and calculate the dates to convince myself that it's really been as long as it's been since I held him. Time with Josiah seemed to expand in some ways. It doesn't seem like we've had Kohen very long and yet so much had happened in Josiah's life by the time he was 11 months old and in a few months Kohen will be the same age as Josiah was when he passed away.
I facilitated at a Bible study last week and I was reminded of how much I enjoy that. It causes me to dig a little deeper in the Bible and I get more excited about the material. Part of the lesson was on submission in marriage. Some people are put off by that word but I think it's an incredibly powerful and beautiful idea and ideal. Its implementation is usually flawed due to human error but the potential in choosing to serve another and putting them first, out of love, is an amazing picture.
We will soon be able to use our basement for something other than storage. Graham and I are both very excited to move most of the toys downstairs. It would be so nice if it could be finished by the end of February but that will depend on when the carpet arrives. Graham was busy painting today.
Thank you for your prayers!
Blessings,
Elizabeth
John 14:6
Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
2014 is drawing to a close. I don't mind saying good-bye to it; I am hopeful for good things in 2015. Graham, Isaac, and I wrote down some things we're thankful for this past year. The arrival of Kohen was on all of our lists. Isaac also said he was thankful for "having such a nice world."
Isaac appreciates beauty. On his walks to school with Graham he often brings up beauty in nature. A few weeks ago he told Graham, "I like the beauty of our footprints in the snow." Today he told me that Josiah likes the beauty of heaven. I'm sure he does.
I'll just get my Isaac stories out of the way. He told Graham one night, "Jesus is confusing. He's God and God's son."
On a walk to the park with Kohen and me, Isaac said, "When I was little and I didn't know where Heaven was I thought it was in the tops of the trees. I looked up but I didn't see Josiah."
As I read in the book, "Loving the Little Years" by Rachel Jankovic, I often talk to Isaac about the need to control his horse (his emotions, which are a gift from God that he needs to control or they will sometimes take him off the trail and down a cliff. When they do this, it is then Mommy and Daddy's job to bring the rider back onto the trail and control the horse until the rider is able to do so himself). I'm never sure how much Isaac takes in but one day I was apologizing to him for getting upset with him. He asked me, "Mommy, why did your horse go off the cliff?"
In late November we went to a memorial event in Toronto put on by SickKids. It was nice to see a few familiar faces. Actually there was another family there who had lost their baby Josiah. The mom spoke and shared her story at the event and she and her family gifted every family in attendance with a book called "Tear Soup: A recipe for healing after loss." I appreciated reading it. I asked one of the bereavement nurses about any signs that would indicate that we should get Isaac some help with his grieving. She said if he became obsessed with Josiah's death and wasn't able to think about anything else but she said that's very rare and he should be fine as long as he's allowed to talk about it whenever he wants. So, we have no worries about Isaac.
After the memorial we stayed at a hotel with a pool so we could swim with the boys and the next day we went to the church where the people whom I stayed with (when I was awaiting Josiah's birth) pastor. It was great to see them again. We ended our weekend by going to the Riverdale Farm.
One of the first things Isaac talked about on Christmas morning was Josiah. We were all in the same room at my brother's home near Ottawa so it was a lovely way to start the morning. He showed me an "acorn" that he had made and told me that Chester Raccoon kept an acorn to remember his friend the squirrel who had died (whose name I have forgotten). Actually, it was kind of funny that we ended up in a McDonalds for part of Christmas Eve as the church service we went to was too full and everything else was closed. McDonalds feels like a connection to Josiah because of Ronald McDonald House.
There is a new Ronald McDonald Family Room at SickKids where parents can go and grab a free drink or rest on a recliner in a low-lit room. I've seen photos of this beautiful space. I can't fully express what an incredible blessing that space must be to parents with children at SickKids. It would have been amazing if that had been there. I was so happy to hear that it was there.
In early December we went to the Coping Centre Christmas Memorial. Isaac actually brought it up much earlier and said we should go. It was nice to see people we knew and to put Josiah's ornament on the Christmas tree outside. They have a theme each year and this year they talked about mosaics. I love the idea of broken pieces turning into something beautiful. It has made me want to make mosaics. Hopefully I'll do that one day.
I bought skates today. We bought some for Isaac and Graham a couple of weeks ago so they have been out a few times. I'm hoping I can figure out how to remain on my feet. It's been a long time since I've attempted to skate.
We had a lovely Christmas. I was hoping to cry again at a Christmas service but of course I couldn't re-create last year. The service did seem like a gift from God though. The pastor spoke about how many people don't feel the joy of Christmas and then someone from the congregation shared how she's lost her mother this past year and yet God has helped her through this time. Obviously my thoughts went to Josiah and it was nice to be able to naturally direct my thoughts to him during the service.
I often think about Josiah when I'm nursing Kohen. I'll miss that when Kohen's finished nursing. I haven't looked back to check but Kohen may be roughly the same weight as Josiah.
I've realized that I have quite a bit of anger in me. I assume it's related to my grief. It's not that I sit around feeling anger but when there's anything to trigger my anger, I know it's in greater supply than it would normally be.
It was wonderful to see my cousin from Switzerland this week as well as my aunt and uncle. I also received a lovely call from a relative overseas who wanted to know how I was doing. Our family is certainly a blessing.
Apart from the anger, I'm actually singing more than usual around the house. I make up random songs all the time, usually when the boys are around. I was actually starting to annoy myself with all my singing.
I have fear. I wonder if I'll get to keep these two beautiful boys. I may be slightly depressed as I feel inept and incompetent in most ways that I can think of. I know God's grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Kohen is the people-person of the family. He rarely feeds when he wakes up the morning as he can hear Graham or Isaac and wants out of his room. I was trying to feed him in the parked car on our way home from Ottawa but he kept wanting to sit up and was waving to strangers. He's also a mover. Usually whenever he wakes up I hear him banging his legs in the crib before I hear him start to cry. It's seems like he can say something that sounds like bye-bye when he waves and "clap-clap" when he claps.
We all have a cold here. It feels like it's been a long week with lots of long nights. We've had sickness in our home once a month for various durations.
It's time to say good-night. I pray that this Faulkner family will know, love, serve, and obey Jesus more in 2015. Thank you for your prayers! Happy New Year!
Graham bought me Rend Collective's The Art of Celebration. Here's Finally Free:
Oh, to live in the freedom that Christ's blood has brought. One day. I'm ever thankful for grace and mercy.
May God "create ... something beautiful in me." (Rend Collective, Create in Me)
Blessings,
Elizabeth
Ephesians 3:19-21
And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.
Isaac has been talking about Josiah a lot lately. He wants to see him again. He wants to tell him funny stories and songs. He's woken up crying. We've looked at some photos and videos of the boys together. A couple of times he has brought Josiah's photo to the kitchen table to be there during our meal.
I recently read an article about grieving children. It explained that children continue to process the death as they age. They often ask the same question over and over. They grieve in short bursts but it continues for many years.
Last week I asked Isaac if he wanted to know what happened when Josiah died. I told him about the moments from when we woke up to Josiah crying to when Isaac came to see him at the hospital after he passed away. I also told him about the dream that Josiah's nurse had before he woke up on the morning of Josiah's death and explained how it was a gift of God to remind us that God is in control. At the end of the dream, a stranger takes Josiah away in his stroller and Michael, our nurse, can't find Josiah. Isaac became upset about the stranger but I told him that in the dream he represented an angel coming to take Josiah to Heaven and that I thought he whispered something like, "Josiah, you're about to see Jesus." and so Josiah was happy to go with him and didn't cry at all in the dream. We were both a little teary eyed so Isaac wanted a cuddle after we chatted. I told him he could ask about the story whenever he wanted. He asked for it two other times later that day.
Isaac enjoys playing with Kohen. Kohen is eight and a half months old and is thoroughly enjoying being able to crawl and pull himself up to stand and take steps while holding onto things. He is most attracted to the bathroom, cords and outlets, unstable chairs and sharp edges on tables. He is keeping us on our toes. He is not a good night-sleeper yet (he wakes up to eat more than once) but he naps well and goes down well. He's a lovely baby with beautiful smiles. He is similar to Isaac in that he is an observer but he certainly doesn't want to sit still. He is our first baby with eyes that have changed colour from blue to grey. He is a sweetheart -- even when sick. I love his facial expressions.
Graham is home on a parental leave. It's been perfect timing as Kohen has been sick with a cold and ear infection. Graham has been walking Isaac to school in
the mornings which has allowed me to nurse Kohen and put him down for his nap. Isaac has been enjoying all the snow.
Graham might be missing work a little. He asked me how I managed to get dinner on the table each night. The boys can be tiring! I actually went to my Bible Study this morning without a baby or a stroller or diaper bag and toys. It felt lovely! What an incredible blessing this is. We can now both volunteer in Isaac's classroom. Graham is going in tomorrow morning. We're alternating which one of us goes in each week for about an hour. Isaac likes having us there and it's nice to get to know his classmates.
We've been enjoying Isaac's little stories and random lines:
"I have 10 children. They have to line up to brush their teeth."
***
Isaac told us a story while we were eating dinner. He told us that he lived next door to our home with his wife. Their home was one mile away.
Isaac: "In the spring and summer I come and visit every day.
Mommy: Why not in the fall and winter?
Isaac: It would be cold and frosty."
Mommy: Well, what's another way we could communicate?
Isaac: (Thinking ...) You could visit me.
Mommy: Maybe Daddy could drive me.
Isaac: You can walk, we just live next door.
Mommy: But it's one mile away and very cold.
Isaac: It will be fine.
Isaac continues his story and tells us that he is Farmer Joe (who also happens to be a police officer and a fire fighter).
Isaac: My brother's name is Isaac and I have one sister.
Mommy: What's your sister's name?
Isaac: I don't remember.
Mommy: Do you love her?
Isaac: Yes.
Mommy: You need to remember the names of the people you love.
Isaac: I did twenty things today so that's why I forgot.
***
Isaac made this girl from his trainset
Mommy: Guess what we're having for dinner.
Isaac: What?
Mommy: Chicken.
Isaac: Yeay! That's my favourite type of fish!
***
A few days prior to this next conversation, Graham had told Isaac about ROYGBIV (the sequence of colours in a rainbow: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet). On this evening a few days later, while Isaac was getting ready for bed he told Graham, "I call it ROYGBIP. I say purple, not violet."
***
"I'm going to wear this shirt that you like but I don't like yet."
***
"I'm proud Daddy's my daddy."
***
"My favourite liquid is syrup. What's a liquid?"
***
"It's not the same without Josiah."
***
Sadly, my iPod died. I assume the battery died. It reset itself so everything on it was lost. It gave me ample warning but I thought I had more time. I would have copied down the many alarms that I had listed and used when Josiah was alive. I also had notes that I'd taken at the hospital that I would have liked to keep. My use of the iPod was very connected with Josiah. At the hospital I could read on it while pumping milk. At home I used the flashlight app all the time when I went in to check Josiah at night and give him drugs or his feed. Oh well.
Isaac enjoyed going to the polling station in October in order to watch us vote. He went with me and then later he showed Graham where to go. He liked helping Graham rake up the leaves in our yard. We've been trying to pick up some new fruits and vegetables when we see them at the store. We've liked persimmons and dragonfruit. It's fun to research with Isaac to find out how to eat them (thanks to YouTube). We also recently discovered a great and fun way to get the pomegranate seeds out of the peel by banging on it with a wooden spoon - very efficient.
I stumbled across the band, "Rend Collective" somehow a few weeks ago while on the Internet. Graham informed me that we sing one of their songs at church. You can imagine my excitement when I discovered that they are from Northern Ireland! I really like a lot of the songs but here is Joy:
Thank you for your prayers!
Blessings,
Elizabeth
Micah 6:8 (our 'H' memory verse)
He has showed you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require
of you, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with
your God?
As a result of a tragic accident, my aunt has passed away. I last saw her in 2011 when we visited Northern Ireland. She loved Jesus, knew joy, had such a wonderful infectious laugh, told great stories, had compassion, and was very generous. She was a beautiful woman and a loving wife and mother. I wish I had known her better. One day I will.
She is in the presence of her loving Saviour. Tragedies don't make sense. They are not supposed to make sense.
I hesitate to embed the song below as it sounds joyous. As my family meets tomorrow it will not be a joyful occasion but one of grief. As N.T. Wright said in regard to those who experience a loved one's death: "Death is a monster; death is horrible."
However, we praise God for Jesus, for redemption, for good out of bad, for the coming resurrection, for the hope that lights our hearts and the peace that only God can give. We do not forget that Jesus has overcome this world. We stand in defiance of our enemy. Our God reigns and will forever do so.
Dear Auntie Heather, I expected I would see you again on this side of glory. I am sad to know that won't be the case. I am sad for your family. We miss you and love you. I am so thankful to know that we will all celebrate together one day. This song is for you with love from Elizabeth (More Than Conquerors by Rend Collective):
John 16:33
33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Isaac told me tonight that when he was little he looked out our front window up at the sky to see if he could see Josiah. He couldn't. A couple of weeks ago Isaac said, "I think Josiah's happier in Heaven than he was here." I do too. Isaac told me last week that he wanted to go to Heaven and asked if we could go. He wants to know why God hasn't called us home yet.
Josiah lived for 450 days after his birth. We thank God for that time with him. As of today, I have lived without him for 450 days.
We visited Ronald McDonald House Toronto on Saturday and ate our lunch at SickKids. Isaac has asked for a while to go back to RMHT to play in the playroom so I called them up and they were happy to accomodate. Isaac's also spoken about going to the Toronto farm that we visited while we stayed there so we were planning to do that as well but Isaac just wanted to play at RMHT. He played for a long time in the small play room and then outside on the playground that looks like a fire truck. It was a beautiful day and happily it included some Thai food for supper. You can't go wrong with panang curry.
Isaac is Mr. Observant. We were at an event in August at which most of the other women and girls were more dressed up than I was. I was helping him in the washroom and he asked me, "Where's your dress?" He has also recently realized that we have the smallest home of those he has visited. I was putting him to bed one night and he asked why our house isn't bigger. I was explaining to him how God provided our home and how we are so thankful for it and how I am able to stay home, etc. He told me he wants a huge house. He would have more fun in a bigger house. He would play more. I said that perhaps he would have a bigger house when he's my age.
I love walking Isaac to and from school. Thankfully the weather has been amazing. I was crunching leaves underfoot this morning. I love that sound! Each morning Isaac tells me that he doesn't want to go to school and then when I pick him up at lunch time he tells me that he had a wonderful morning. I've been able to volunteer with the class once and also do a couple of odd jobs for the teacher at my home. I like being part of this school community. I've been able to meet a few other moms as we wait for the kids to go inside. I've been encouraging Isaac to be a "Friendly Faulkner" to his classmates.
Graham and I both started attending Bible studies a few weeks ago. I googled "Women's Bible Study Kitchener" and found one not too far from where we live. It's been nice to meet some people there and I'm thrilled to be part of a study again. I'm also thankful that mine starts at 9:30 (Graham's study is at 6:30!)
I found Kohen's first tooth last week! It hasn't seemed to bother him very much. He's officially sitting up now. I like being able to leave him sitting with his toys.
Isaac has recently started drawing a lot more. It's such fun watching him grow and develop. I hope he always makes us stories. He told us the other day that he took Kohen with him to collect frogs in the tropical rainforest. Kohen was stung by a beetle that went into his heart and made it cold. The beetle didn't sting Isaac because it doesn't sting doctors (Isaac was a doctor). Isaac used his saw to get the beetle out of Kohen's heart.
Isaac told me that he and Bearamiah (one of his bears) went to see Pharoah in Egypt to make him happy. "Bearamiah sang The Lord is My Shepherd. I sang with him because I know the words so if he forgot some, I could help him."
The last few weekends we've actually been somewhat energetic. We've flown a kite for the first time with Isaac (at the cemetery) and gone for walks with Isaac on his bike. I'm happy to say that we've had homemade pizza two Fridays in a row and they tasted much better the second week. Isaac likes looking in the bread maker and putting on the toppings.
It was so wonderful to have a cousin visiting from Northern Ireland. Oh how I wish we lived closer to so many people.
Every so often Kohen will cry a lot and it will be hard to get him to stop. That takes me back to when we couldn't get Josiah to stop crying. For a split second I think maybe something's wrong with Kohen that wasn't found in the echo. Perhaps his oxygen saturation level is lower than it should be. I don't want to lose another child. I'm not sure if I'll be brave enough (strong enough) to do real sleep training with Kohen as that would involve a lot of crying (at least it did with Isaac). He goes down fairly well so maybe we'll get away without it.
Thank you for your prayers.
Blessings,
Elizabeth
Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their
eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the
old order of things has passed away.
Isaac has started school! Last Tuesday, Graham, Isaac and I went to meet Isaac's teacher for an interview and then Isaac started school on Wednesday morning. I had a letter waiting at his seat at the kitchen table before school started as my mom always wrote us a letter on the first day of school. He liked his letter and then immediately told me that when Chippy and Skippy got their letters they had French words. I think I said in the last post that Isaac likes to make up words. I forgot to mention that he often tells me that the words are French or Thai words.
We were told to take a family photo to school to be displayed. We let Isaac choose which photo he wanted. He chose one which included Josiah's headstone.
I told Isaac that there would be a nice surprise waiting for him when we returned home from school at lunch time. He walked into his room to find a new Thomas the Tank bedspread, sheets and curtains. He's not a big fan of surprises or change so I was taking a little risk but I was pretty sure he'd love it and he does. His favourite part of school was "lunch".
Waiting for the bell!
I'm looking forward to seeing how he does with a whole week of school. I'm so glad we're not sending him all day which would be 9:10 - 3:30. I pick him up around 12:00 PM after he eats his lunch. He told me that he's making friends who aren't in his Sunday School class. I'm excited for him and this new adventure. I'd love to be a fly on the wall.
The other day Isaac went somewhere with Graham so he kissed me good-bye and then said, "Mommy, will you take care of Kohen for me?" I assured him that I would. Isaac is quite affectionate with Kohen and a great helper.
Isaac told me this past week that there's a "fan in Heaven." I pointed to the standing fan in our living room and asked him if he meant that. He told me that it's a pretend fan and then said, "The fan in Heaven blows out God's love." Apparently Isaac has a "picture making machine." He explained that he thinks something and the picture goes to his head. He also said that if he doesn't know a word when he's reading, he puts the light on in his head and then he can see it and read it. He certainly knows how to entertain his Mommy and Daddy.
I've been staying up too late. The other night I got out of bed to go and watch videos of Josiah, including the video of his first (and only) birthday. It's kind of bizarre watching the videos because he seems so much worse than we thought he was. So, I want more videos and yet I don't.
Death is so final in this life. The other day I looked into the backseat through my rearview mirror. Kohen's mirror only showed his feet and stomach so I couldn't see his face. It could have so easily been Josiah sitting there; he wore the same outfit many moons ago. I want to relive those memories but it doesn't work that way. I used to think that memories and photos were a way to sort of access the past but I'm only ever in the present, trying to reach back, with my access denied. He's not here in the present. I guess some people dream about their loved ones. I think that would be lovely but that's never happened for me. I haven't had any tears in ages. Crying is the only time that I feel a sense of closeness to Josiah. That's why I want to cry. I can only feel close to him during the painful tears - otherwise there's no feeling or barely any feeling.
I enjoyed reading "A Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Vanauken. He tells of the death of his wife Davy. I'm reading a little of the sequel, "Under the Mercy." He talks about what he calls:
"the Second Death, the moment when the grief comes to an end, as it must, and the tears are dried and the beloved (though no less dear) becomes remote. ... What follows the Second Death is not a sudden renewal of joy and laughter but a terrible emptiness, a hollow at the centre of one's being: one is, as C.S. Lewis wrote to me, "bereaved of the bereavement itself." There is no more sense of the beloved's presence, yet no more tears for the new loss. ... But what the typical day did not disclose and what those round me did not discern beneath my cheerful demeanour was what I've called the hollow at the centre--the Davy-shaped hollow. This should not be taken to mean grief--the traditional 'broken heart'. The tears were gone. And she was gone, not to return in this life. It was, I imagine, a bit like the loss of an arm; the loss is accepted, new ways of coping are invented, life goes on, but there is an empty sleeve. So in me the emptiness, the hollow, where once Davy had been ... a hollow that only she could fit."
Graham took the day off last Friday and we went to Centre Island and then stayed in a hotel north of Toronto. The four of us went swimming together in the pool. It felt so great to be in the pool and it was Kohen's first time.
Isaac surprised us by going on a pony at Centreville and he was very happy in the cold splashpad. He was actually doing a little dance and yelling, "I'M SO HAPPY!" and "I'M HAVING FUN!"
I realized on that trip that my mind likes to always come up with ways that things could be better (for example, if we'd packed a picnic and left earlier). I let those thoughts come into my head but then I tried to just be thankful for what was happening (thankfully we can afford to buy lunch, etc). That's something I need to practice.
Graham was watching Isaac at a McDonald's playland. Graham thought it was pretty cute that Isaac was pretending to be Jesus. Isaac told Graham that the other children were his disciples. Thankfully he didn't tell the children that they were his disciples!
Kohen had his six-month shots last week. Thankfully he has chunky thighs because he didn't even notice the needle! He's now had rice cereal, carrots, sweet potato, and banana. Tomorrow he'll have squash. It's been fun using the blender to make his food. He's not a fan of bibs. He's getting better at waving.
Apparently it's Grandparent's Day today! Our family plus two of our lovely nieces and the four grandparents all went on the train from Waterloo to St. Jacobs yesterday. It was fun to be together.
