Cookies, candies, and kiss boxes

I look for Josiah at the grocery store ... in the ice cream aisle, the candy section, amongst the baked goods and chocolate, even chips.  They've never been more tempting as I search for that which I am missing.  The Magnum bars did not satisfy, they did not fulfill their promise.  Maybe licorice will help ... or making the world's best chocolate chip cookies (I'll let you know if sea salt has been the missing ingredient).  This is not what I should do with my grief but it is the easiest thing to do.

I had wanted to make Graham a photo mug for Father's Day but when I sat down to pick the photos I didn't know whether to include Josiah or not.  I asked Graham after the event what photos he'd like on a mug but he didn't know either - so no mug. 

We had some new carpet put in our bedrooms so everything had to be moved to our living room.  Isaac decided that he wanted to be back in his old yellow room so Kohen is now in the green room (Josiah's old room).  The room is set up differently but I often think of Josiah as I nurse and rock Kohen in the comfy brown chair.  

We've enjoyed spending some time with Graham's brother from B.C.  He heads home tomorrow.

Kohen is four and a half months old.  At this stage I'd say he's our happiest, noisiest, most energetic baby of the three (of course, Josiah was intubated at this stage and had a few other issues!)  Kohen's in the 97th percentile for height and the 75th for weight so he's tall for his age. 

I realized recently that I won't always have the physical reminders of Josiah.  I like having the reminders.  One day the crib will no longer be needed and the baby toys won't be strewn around the house.  The baby swing will be gone, as will the car seat and highchair.  Thankfully that won't happen for a while.  We'll all grow older but the photo of Josiah will always stay the same.   

My cousin and her family from Northern Ireland sent the boys some football (soccer) jerseys.  Isaac loves wearing his.

Gary the goat is a new favourite character in Graham's bedtime stories.  Graham decided to test Isaac the other night.  In his story a bird went to get an avocado for Isaac and Gary but the bird fell down and was hurt.  Graham asked Isaac if he would eat the avocado or go and help the bird.  Isaac decided he would eat the avocado really quickly and then help the bird.

Isaac now has an awesome pushbike from his cousin in B.C.  I'd never heard of them before but Isaac loves his.  He even skipped dessert the first night he had it so that he could have more time on the bike.  

Isaac has been listening.  We were walking in the cemetery this afternoon and Isaac said to Graham, "Daddy, did you know that God makes good out of bad?"

At the SickKids memorial event a couple of months ago, Isaac made a memory box that he called a Kiss Box (we'd recently read a library book about a kiss box).  This week we made kisses for the kiss box.  The kisses are cut out hearts.  Each person in the family has a different colour of paper for the hearts.  We can each go to the box for a kiss (for example if Mommy isn't around for a real kiss) and Josiah is always able to get a kiss.   Here's Isaac cutting out kisses.  

  

Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,
Elizabeth

Hebrew 11:6
And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

In the House of the Lord

It feels like both a day and an age since he was in my arms.  Last year Josiah woke us for the last time at 5:42 on the Saturday morning - this time it was Isaac who was crying then.  I replayed what happened in my head until 8:30 AM when they stopped CPR.  I reread the blog entries, remembering.  I sang the "We miss you Josiah" song with Isaac as I made waffles for breakfast.  Isaac asked me again why Josiah had to die.  We blew Josiah kisses.  

My parents just returned from a month in Northern Ireland and England.  It was great to welcome them back.  Isaac gave Grandma lots of kisses.  I remember when I was a child how wonderful it felt to return home after a vacation.  That feeling of home is hard to articulate.  I suspect upon reaching Heaven, one experiences the ultimate feeling of being at home and being where one belongs and really, being in that place where one has always longed for.  I'm glad Josiah can experience that. 

I wrote the above last night but I just kept falling asleep and couldn't finish the post.  Even though today is the 6th, it felt like the anniversary of Josiah's death was yesterday as it all happened on a Saturday.  I ended the day by watching the 8 minute presentation of photo clips that we showed at the funeral.

Upon arriving at church this morning, our pastor's wife gave me a hug and whispered, "We'll never forget."  Thank you.  Thank you to everyone who hasn't forgotten.  Please don't forget my baby with the beautiful blue eyes, incredible smile, and soft curly hair: Josiah Nathanael Gabriel Faulkner.

Isaac asked me again tonight why Josiah died.  We usually ask Isaac why he thinks Josiah died and he talks about his sick heart.  He'll also ask me why we prayed for Josiah.  We say that we know God could have healed him but we don't know why he didn't.  Tonight I told Isaac that God wanted to do amazing things through Josiah's death - things we haven't seen yet.    

Today all our local family ate lunch together and then went to the cemetery.  The headstone was installed on Thursday so today was the unveiling.  On the stone there's a scene with a lamb in a field.  On our first visit to McMaster Hospital, the day we found out what was wrong with Josiah when he was in utero, Graham found a beautiful picture book of the 23rd Psalm - The Lord is My Shepherd.  I love the illustrations.  The scene on the headstone is from this book and the verse at the bottom is Psalm 23:6.  My nieces read the book and then we sang the 23rd Psalm and each person placed a rose on the gravesite.  We enjoyed a walk around the cemetery and then ate ice cream cake for dessert.

Actually, when Graham picked up the cake he chatted with a stranger whose husband died just two months ago and whose daughter died sometime before that.  Graham was able to give her information about The Coping Centre as it was very helpful to us.

Each day I've been reading last year's blog entries.  They are great reminders of the countless blessings we received for which we are so thankful.  God's timing throughout this journey has been perfect.  God gave us beautiful memories with Josiah.  We anticipate a glorious reunion. 

Psalm 116:15 says, "Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints."  The thought came to me this week - I wonder if there were angels around us and with Josiah as he passed away.  Our nurse dreamed that night that a stranger came and took away Josiah in his stroller and the nurse couldn't find him.  There was one short moment that Graham and I remember when something happened and Josiah looked so afraid.  I hope an angel was there to calm his fear and let him know that he was about to meet Jesus.  I'm so thankful he will never fear or be in pain ever again.

Josiah, your Mommy and Daddy and your two brothers love you and miss you.  Catch our kisses.

Thank you for your prayers.

Blessings,

Elizabeth


Psalm 116:15
Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.

End of June

I love splashing at bath time!

In many ways I don't want July to come.  As I daily read the blog entries from last year, I'm watching a play unfold and I know what's coming, though the actors are unaware.  A year ago today I found out I was pregnant and happily informed Josiah that he was going to be a big brother.  How is it possible that in a few days we will reach the first anniversary of Josiah's death?

Tonight we watched a show in which people knew death was coming and they were able to say goodbye.  I trust that God knew what was best for everyone but I do sometimes daydream about what it would have been like to know that Josiah was dying then.  How I would have held him and kissed him and told him how proud we were of him and how thankful we were for him and how much we loved him.  Or, would I have simply begged Jesus for more time?  I would have wanted the boys to be together.  Isaac would have given him kisses.

Yesterday I cried in church as I remembered Josiah's final Sunday last year.  On that day many people commented on how well he looked.  Both Graham and I were able to cry the Saturday evening after a show helped us trigger some emotion.  It may have been the first time we've cried together.

On Friday we went to approve the final draft of Josiah's headstone.  It will be put up this week and our local family will visit the cemetery on Sunday.  I could have cried more then but I had two boys to drive home.  On Saturday I was hoping for a miracle.  One of Josiah's favourite toys was a red helicopter that made sounds and had a British accent.  We received it at the hospital.  I think we last saw it shortly before his death.  It's been on my to-do list to go to the funeral home to make sure that it didn't get mixed up with the toys there as we took most of Josiah's toys for the visitations.  It was quite silly but I looked under every possible cushion and behind curtains, ever hopeful.

Isaac is regularly asking us why Josiah died.  Of course, there isn't an answer that will suffice for any of us.  

We went to the Brantford Zoo on Saturday and had a good time.   

Introducing the boys to the World Cup

Graham has introduced Isaac to soccer (football) via the Internet and the World Cup.  Isaac told us that he's going to play in the World Cup.  I guess he should join a team at some point.  It won't happen this year so hopefully it won't be too late to start him at four and half years of age, next year.  :)  By the way, Kohen only watched the game for a couple of minutes (in the photo to the left). 

Isaac is a sweet boy.  We were in the grocery store and they didn't have something I was wanting.  I said, "Mommy's a little sad."  He immediately wanted to give me a hug.

I try to be discreet when I'm nursing Kohen.  This week Isaac asked me if I had a hole in my tummy (in order to feed Kohen).  He also asked me when Kohen would be a big brother.  I told him that would mean that we'd need to have another baby and asked him if he thought we should.  He answered yes.  I told him we'd have to see what God wants.  Mommy and Daddy aren't ready to entertain that discussion. 

Reading to Kohen

Kohen is happier and it's easier to obtain a smile.  He laughs when I hang him upside down and swing him.  He likes playing peekaboo and having airplane rides.  Getting him to sleep is a little more challenging because he just rolls onto his tummy and then starts crying.  That also happens in the night and wakes him up (and therefore wakes me up).  I think he has the most energy out of all three boys at that age.  He wants to move.

I need to get to sleep.  Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,
Elizabeth

^{` Corinthians 15:54-55
54} When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”
⁵⁵ “O death, where is your victory?
    O death, where is your sting?”

Smiles

I am tired.  I am waiting on our laundry so I'm going to try to write a post quickly.

Graham and I celebrated ten years of marriage on Thursday.  We celebrated by moving to my parent's home!  They are away.  We are having some new carpet put in our bedrooms so the contents of our three bedrooms are in our living room.  Graham and his dad screwed down our subfloor today so hopefully our floors won't be nearly as squeaky as they have been.

On Wednesday one of my cousins was married in Northern Ireland.  We wish we could have been there.  We are thrilled for them.  

Isaac turned three and a half this week.  Here are some recent Isaac moments:

Isaac:  Where was Baby Kohen born?
Graham: At Grandriver Hospital.  You were born there too and we were so excited when you came out.  We said, "Oh, here's our baby boy Isaac."
Isaac: No.  You didn't know my name.  You and mommy looked on the computer lists while you were waiting.
Graham: Did Mommy tell you that story?
Isaac: It's not a story.

***

Isaac: Mommy, when I'm a Daddy and my wife is doing dishes, I'll cut my children's nails.  If I'm in bed, my wife will cut their nails.
(For the record, Graham usually does the supper dishes - but I guess that's while Isaac is sleeping.)

***

Graham and Isaac were singing our goodnight song together when Isaac stopped the song and said, "Daddy, when we sing together, it sounds like Mommy singing.  It's sort of like painting - mix them together and we get Mommy's voice."

***

Isaac checked my eyes with one of his doctor toys.  He said, "I found the problem.  There's a bug scratching your eye.  I have a machine that will scare the bug away."

***

Isaac is sweet and also strong-willed.  We've been finding discipline a challenge of late.  I just read one of the Love and Logic parenting books and I've been putting some of the ideas into practice.  I think I'm seeing small improvements.  I'm hopeful.  This process has reminded me of the great responsibility of parenting and the difference our parenting makes.

Kohen is over three months old now.  He started rolling from his back to his tummy on Thursday and he seems to enjoy practicing this new trick.  He's giving out more smiles and if I work hard at kissing his face and neck, he'll give me some laughs.  

Some signs of Josiah:

The Rubbermaid reusable cup in the cupboard over the stove.  We bought this for him to use but he never reached that stage.

The many tread marks on the baseboards in the hallway and on the doors from turning the stroller around in the house.  Often a stroller ride would calm him down so this was the answer on cold or rainy days.

The holes in the bottom of the stroller where the heavy oxygen tanks sat during his stroller rides.

The unopened needle I found behind our dresser that were for his enox shots.

The alarms set on my iPod (not set to go off).

His toys, blankets, clothes, etc.

It was exciting to watch our neighbour and friend get baptized last Sunday.  It also made me think that I'll never watch Josiah get baptized.  The foundation for his gravestone has been poured. The comment of my cousin's wife was so perfect: "He's so horribly far away."  I look at his photos and just see photos - two dimensions - the absence is stark.  I like this quotation from "A Severe Mercy":

"The death of any familiar person leaves an emptiness.  If the person is deeply loved and deeply familiar the void seems greater than all the world remaining.  Under the surface of the visible world, there is an echoing hollowness, an aching void - and it cuts one off from the beloved.  She is as remote as the stars.  But grief is a form of love - the longing for the dear face, the warm hand.  It is the remembered reality of the beloved that calls it forth.  For an instant she is there, and the void denied.  It is not the grief, involving that momentary reality, that cuts one off from the beloved but the void that is loss.  In the end one can no longer summon forth that reality, and then one's tears dry up.  But while it lasts, it is a shield against the void."

I need to get some sleep so I'll say goodnight.  Thank you for your prayers.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

1 Peter 1:24-25

²⁴ for

“All flesh is like grass
    and all its glory like the flower of grass.
The grass withers,
    and the flower falls,
²⁵ but the word of the Lord remains forever.”

And this word is the good news that was preached to you.

Kohen's Dedication

Happy Victoria Day!  It's been a lovely day and a great weekend.  My brother's family who lives near Ottawa all made the trek to Kitchener on Friday evening.  The whole family celebrated my mom's birthday on Saturday and yesterday we celebrated Kohen's dedication to the Lord.  It was wonderful to spend time with family and friends.

Graham has written out a blessing for each of our boys to bless them on their dedication day.  We spoke these blessings over Kohen in the afternoon.  In the church where I grew up, the parents were always asked a set of questions pertaining to how they will raise their child (for example, "Do you commit yourselves to teach and influence your child for Christ both by word and example?") so my dad also asks us these questions during our home ceremony.  The questions were a good challenge and a reminder of the importance of our commitment.  I tell Isaac that the most important thing to us is that he knows, loves, and serves Jesus.    

My birthday was this past week.  I asked God for the gift of tears.  I did get a few.  I worked on designing Josiah's headstone in the afternoon and I wanted to go to the cemetery in the evening.  I did let Graham buy me a drink from Starbucks on the way home.  I watched most of the funeral again in the evening, although even that didn't elicit tears.  I think my favourite part is getting the funeral director to open up the casket during the service for Isaac's benefit. 

Graham liked Isaac's description of his tall dresser.  He said it's a "bunk bed for clothes."  If Isaac disobeys while getting ready for bed, the consequence is often losing one of his stories about Chippy and Skippy that Graham makes up.  One evening this past week Graham told Isaac that he'd lost a story and it was a really good one about Chippy and Skippy in a submarine.  Graham told me that Isaac then used great logic to convince him that it was actually a less interesting boat story that he had lost and not in fact the exciting submarine story.

Isaac was playing with a truck this week in which he placed a toy backpack in the windshield.  He told me it wasn't a backpack so I asked him what it was.  He thought to himself and then told me it was a JPS.  I asked if he meant a GPS and he agreed. 

Isaac was given a helium balloon this week while visiting his grandparents.  It blew out the back of their parked car and Isaac was just beside himself and couldn't stop crying.  My sweet boy told my mom that Josiah must have wanted the balloon (in heaven).  He wanted a hug when he returned home and he told me the story with new tears in his eyes.  My parents bought him a new balloon that says, "You're so special."

We received some great advice in a card written by friends.  They wrote, "We pray you would see yourselves the way God sees you - so completely precious, loved and the joy of his heart!  Parent with this confidence because its impact will sink deep into your children's lives ...."  We are blessed with great friends.

Thank you for your prayers.

Blessings,
Elizabeth

Exodus 14:13
And Moses said to the people, "Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD, which he will work for you today.  For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again.  The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."

In Toronto

We travelled to Toronto today for an event hosted by the Paediatric Advanced Care Team from SickKids.  We met with other bereaved families who had children cared for at SickKids who died in 2012 or 2013.  It was a good afternoon.  I think Isaac's favourite part was working with Graham to make a sick doll that he said was Baby Josiah.  He put a bandaid on his leg and some tape on his face "to hold his tubes."  He hugged the doll a number of times and put it in the stroller to sleep.  (He also threw it around.)

At the end of the day there was a balloon release.  Isaac told me to write the following on his note for the balloon: "Dear Josiah, I love you.  Thank you for staying here some days.  Why did you pass away?  Love, Isaac xoxoxo"

Kohen has his two-month doctor's visit and vaccinations this past week.  On Tuesday he weighed 12.872 pounds and was 25 inches long.  He's above the 95th percentile for height and at the 76th percentile for weight.      

It was McHappy Day at McDonalds on Wednesday.  Graham took Isaac.  Money from certain items on the menu goes to Ronald McDonald Houses.  Apparently there were lots of people when Graham went. 


I feel like I'm out of the newborn fog.  It helps that the nights are good. 

Graham was telling me how he was missing Josiah one day this week.  I wish I could/would have those feelings along with the pain and tears.  It's been a long time since I've cried. 

It's time to sleep.  Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,
Elizabeth

Psalm 68:19
Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation.

Happy May!

It seems a little more difficult to write a blog with Kohen around as he likes to be in my arms or nurse until late in the evenings.  However, he is no longer crying the entire time so we're making lots of progress!

For those who like to read my Saturday reports, I'm sorry for not getting to them the last couple of weeks.  I hope you all had a great Easter.  It was nice to celebrate Easter with family. 

Sometimes I think about what a mess I would be if anything happened to Isaac.  I think part of the reason that my grief hasn't been too heavy is that all of Josiah's life was a gift from God.  Of course, all of our lives are a gift from God but that was in the forefront of our minds with Josiah.  We knew it was a very real possibility that he could die shortly after he was born so to get to take him home after a week without interventions and then to have him home for three and a half months and then for him to make it through three heart surgeries and live at home for almost eight months after leaving the hospital (with a few times when we thought he would/could die) ... well, it was all a gift from our merciful heavenly Father.  We were able to see him smile and laugh and play.  We were able to give him our love.  We were able to make some good memories.  We are grateful.    

Isaac fell asleep colouring at the table

Mind you, I've also recently wondered about the ethics of asking for all possible medical interventions throughout his life.  Clearly, we had hope and we knew that God could save him.  This also meant that he suffered a lot.  I believe God will bring good out of Josiah's suffering.

The Bible tells Christians to expect to suffer.  We are to take up our cross and follow Jesus.  We are to consider the trials we face as "pure joy" (James 1:2).   We are to rejoice in our sufferings, knowing they produce endurance (Romans 5:3).  We are to know that our sufferings "are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us" (Romans 8:18). 

I've thought for many years that I'd like to one day take part in a Good Friday service that is meant to focus my thoughts on the suffering and death of Jesus.  My tradition doesn't practise Lent as a church body, though some would do so individually.  In my experience, we usually prefer to focus on the 'good' of Good Friday.  I'm not criticising that; we do know what the cross means and it is glorious and worth celebrating.  However, as someone who has a difficult time accessing my emotions, I think it would be helpful to have things in a service that might help trigger sadness and a greater understanding of the cross and what Jesus went through to save us and how I am called to live.  I think it would make Easter morning that much more glorious (emotionally, at least - it's not just the negative emotions that I have a hard time accessing.) 

The above paragraph sort of sounds like I want a church service to manipulate my emotions, which I'm usually against.  I think it's different when I'm asking for it for a specific purpose and I'm trying to get into a frame of mind.  Why do I want to feel sad?  I don't think it's to grieve Jesus' death because I know He's alive.  I think it's to try to realize the enormity of what Jesus went through and did to save me and to understand what it means to follow Jesus. 

My friend in the Coptic church talks about her Easter services with such incredible delight.  I need to review with her what happens in the services but I do remember that there's an all night service that includes reading the entire book of Revelations together.  A friend in a Lutheran church explained that it's not just the Good Friday service that is more solemn but the entire period of Lent.  So, just going to one service may not do what I'm hoping it will.  In reality, having a newborn baby is a little bit distracting regardless of what's going on in the service.  Actually, my favourite Good Friday service was at an Anglican church in Toronto.  The whole service was focused on the children - we actually spent part of the service outside and then up by the altar looking at the stained glass windows.  How lovely to have a whole service for the children.

I've found this newborn period challenging (it's much better now that there's less crying and some more sleep) so I decided to take out a book from the library that I enjoy reading.  I went through the Father Tim series a few years ago and recalled my enjoyment of it.  My head usually tells me that I need to read a good non-fiction book to learn and grow but often it's the fiction books that challenge me and in this case make me want to be more like Christ.  Anyway, my point is that there were a couple of quotations about Easter that I appreciated in this book:

"On Maundy Thursday he had truly experienced a deep and enriching mournfulness.  On Good Friday he fasted, and on Holy Saturday felt much the better for it in every way.  Easter morning dawned bright and clear.  'Dazzling to the senses!' said one parishioner.  ... the tremor of joy that one always hoped for on this high day was decidedly there" (At Home in Mitford, Page 33).

"The cold wind that blew in with flurries of snow on Maundy Thursday made the bare, stripped altar seem even more appalling to the spirit.  The congregation left the evening service, not speaking . . . .  Father Tim found this service the most dismal in church liturgy, but he also found it to be one of the most crucial.  The business of soaking up the joys of Easter without any consideration of the pain of the cross was spiritually risky business, at best.  On Sunday, the wind still blew, but the sun shone brightly.  And many of the parishioners at Lord's Chapel felt they had come, at last, through a dark tunnel into new life" (At Home in Mitford, Page 267).

It seems hard to imagine that the early church wanted to be mournful each anniversary of Jesus' death.  (I assume the Passover is a joyful celebration?)  However, they didn't need any help conjuring up thoughts of suffering and death on a cross.  That's not my experience in Canada in 2014.  One friend who gives up something for Lent told me that it helps her identify with Christ and focus on Him.  On the other hand, I also wonder if we really celebrate the way we should.  I'm not sure we appreciate how incredible the resurrection is.  The tomb was empty.  Jesus appeared to them - the Jesus whom they had just watched die.  That should blow me away - and result in delight. 

I hope I'm not offending anyone with my ramblings.  It's true that I'm full of critique but I don't think I'm judging others in a negative light (other than myself).  This is how my brain works.  

Isaac had his first dentist visit this week.  Graham took him.  Thankfully he liked the experience.  He was loaned sunglasses to wear and he was able to watch Sesame Street while they looked in his mouth.  Times have changed. 

I had a nice gift from God the other day.  I was nursing Kohen late one night and my eyes were closed but I could tell that the light on my iPod became brighter.  I opened my eyes and a Bible app was open for some unknown reason.  (I never used this app but I had tried to open it the day before and it didn't work.)  It was displaying the verse of the day which was one that I hadn't remembered:  "He will swallow up death forever, And the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces; The rebuke of His people He will take away from all the earth; For the Lord has spoken. (Isaiah 25:8).

Happy May!  Thank you for your prayers!


Blessings,

Elizabeth


Romans 8:11
But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.