Chippy and Skippy

Happy

I went to wake up Isaac one morning and found him singing songs.  He had taken tunes we knew and changed some of the words to go with stories we had read.  I make up songs for him all the time and his Grandpa Lucas is never at a loss for a new song so I'm glad he's inherited some Northern Irish blood.

It was apple day at the farm on Monday.  We picked apples in the orchard and then fed them to the pigs (Peanut Butter, Jam, Charlotte, Petunia, and Ziggy).  We made apple pancakes and an apple craft and listened to a story.  Fun times. 

Pumpkin patch

We've been eating more vegetables this week.  We discovered we are big fans of curried lentil cakes.  I bought ground almonds for the first time for that recipe as well as capers for another recipe. 

This afternoon we met with others from our church at a pumpkin farm.  Isaac enjoyed the hay ride and he was happy to find a small pumpkin to pick.  He was not happy to have to leave. 

Isaac has been thoroughly enjoying the adventures of Chippy and Skippy (originally intended to be a chipmunk and a squirrel but Isaac decided they are both squirrels) as well as Bingo the Bear.  Graham's amazing story-telling abilities have helped calm Isaac at bedtime.  Isaac loves to retell parts of the stories with his eyes big and wide, so excited.

I had one relatively good cry this week.  I just sat on the chair in his room and repeated, "He's not coming back."  I was tempted to pretend this week that he was just out on a walk with his nurse and he would be coming back soon.  I actually had a slight headache for the remainder of the day which is very odd for me.  I was happy to be mourning.

Hay wagon ride

Our group session went well this week (Graham's dessert choice was picked - cherry cheese cake).  I felt more comfortable and found areas in which I related to some of the other participants. 

I'm enjoying reading "Surprised by Hope."  It's not a difficult read but it's written by a theologian/academic so in presenting his arguments he explains the history and context of various views compared to what he presents as the Biblical view.  Here is one excerpt:  "In much Western piety, at least since the Middle Ages, the influence of Greek philosophy has been very marked, resulting in a future expectation that bears far more resemblance to Plato's vision of souls entering into disembodied bliss than to the biblical picture of new heavens and new earth."

Ziggy eating an apple from Isaac

Thank you for your prayers! 

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 119:133
Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me.

Reading

It's been a good week.  Isaac and I had such a nice time at the farm on Monday.  He fed grain to goats and Petunia the potbellied pig.  We also picked tomatoes in their garden and made delicious fresh salsa.  

Graham and I had our third counselling session on Tuesday.  We'll go back for a check-in at the end of October.  It's always very helpful.  We started our 10-week bereaved parents group and we're looking forward to returning.  They serve dessert at the end of each session so that asked each person to tell them their favourite dessert. 

I've been reading A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis.  It's been interesting to read his thoughts as he processed his grief after the death of his wife.  I also just started "Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church" by N.T. Wright.  I've only read a few chapters but I think it's going to help shape my understanding of what the Bible says about the time between death and the resurrection.  I am excited about that possibility.

A friend asked me today why this is important to me (my paraphrase).  There are a number of reasons.  I think truth is important.  I don't yet know if this is one of those subjects in which I will eventually be able to confidently assert what I believe the Bible says.  I hope I will be more knowledgeable after more study.  I remember asking someone about this long before Josiah passed away because I knew things would be said at a funeral if he died and I knew I would need to say something and wanted to only say things I believed.  I also knew we would tell Isaac something and wanted to be okay with that as well.  I've just read some Scriptures that don't seem to align with popular ideas of what happens at the time of death.  I've read and perused a number of books now but they don't even address the Scriptures that cause me to question.

Anyway, I'll do some more research.  One of the main reasons why this is important to me is because I'd love to be able to picture what's happening with Josiah or his soul/spirit right now.  I know where his physical body rests and I know that we'll ultimately be together again but with my confusion about the Scriptures it's sort of like I have no idea where my baby is or at least what state he is in.  I hope after studying this I will be able to have more peace.  Others have certainly seemed confident that they know Josiah is currently experiencing joyous life in heaven.  We'll see what I end up thinking after some more study.     

This is a little random but I like this quotation from C.S. Lewis that I recently read:  "What do people mean when they say, 'I am not afraid of God because I know He is good?'  Have they never even been to a dentist?"

I've been able to have some nice visits with friends this week.  I've also been reading my entries for the last weeks of Josiah's life.  It's a blessing to be able to read about his days and see his smiles. 

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

1 Corinthians 15:51-54
⁵¹ Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— ⁵² in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. ⁵³ For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. ⁵⁴ When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”^[h]

Fun at the farm

The other morning I awoke to the sound of Isaac crying just before 7:00 AM.  I went into his room and he told me that a frog was trying to catch a fly and the fly was in his hair and it was hurting him.  "It wasn't a dream," he told me.   I couldn't find the frog or fly.

Isaac and I had a wonderful time at the farm and I'm excited that we get to go there every Monday for five more weeks.  We met all of the animals, made some tasty cookies using squash, had craft time, went to the garden to see the squash growing, ate our cookies and said goodbye.  The tractor was broken but I think we may have a wagon ride this week.  We'll also be learning more about chickens and eggs.  Isaac didn't want to touch the chicken at first but then he found his nerve.  It's great to see him trying new things.  I need to take some photos at the farm.

Graham and I will be starting a 10-week group course for bereaved parents.  There will be either four or five couples in the group plus the facilitating couple whose son passed away a number of years ago.  We visited the Coping Centre this week and were very impressed and thankful that we live so close.  I already think they are experts at practicing hospitality (there were both baked goods and chocolate put in front of us!) and I trust that the sessions will be helpful. 

Isaac has lots of potty stickers

I listened to an interview with R. C. Sproul Jr. this week whose wife and child died within ten months of each other.  At the end the interviewer asked, "How are you doing?"  I liked his response:  "Because the hardship is not death but absence, it doesn't get better.  The distance doesn't change, because they're still gone.  So my answer is ... we're sad, like we're supposed to be, and we're trusting in the promises of God."

I've been able to cry a few more times.  I was wishing that Josiah's final couple of hours were a little different but in reality his passing happened relatively quickly which was a blessing for him.  (I'm not referring to his time at the hospital which we are both happy about.  We're glad we asked them to do whatever they could to try to save Josiah.  He was already gone then.)

Isaac gave "hay" to all of the animals today

Isaac was excited to be introduced to Amelia Bedelia books this week.  He thinks her name is very funny.  He also started a new Sunday School class last week.  He could even tell us a few things that he'd learned in class. 

I look at Josiah's photos and I'm so thankful to God for all of the time we had with him ... though I wish he were here in my arms.

It's time to head to bed.  Thanks so much for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

1 John 4:7,8
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Escalators

Isaac is hiding from me

The three of us went to a mall today which is a rather rare occurrence.  We wanted to go to Chapters which is part of the mall.  Isaac was quite excited about the escalator.  He travelled up and down with Graham a few times and wants to go back.  Isaac picked a book with Little Critter stories and we were all enjoying the stories tonight.  I was leaning towards him picking "The Little Engine That Could" but he made the right choice.  I just reserved "The Little Engine" at the library.

I heard the baby's heartbeat at my doctor's appointment on Wednesday.  I go for an ultrasound at the end of this month.  I'm feeling good.  Yesterday at lunch Isaac and I were talking about Josiah and the new baby.  Isaac said the new baby would go to heaven but I told him that we're praying that the new baby will be healthy and able to grow up and play with Isaac.  Isaac often reminds me that we were praying for Josiah to learn to crawl, walk, since, dance, and play with Isaac.  I said we'll get to do those things in Heaven. 

I was able to cry at home last Sunday morning so that was nice.  I started by putting on Steven Curtis Chapman's "Beauty Will Rise" cd which are the songs he wrote after his daughter's death.  We've passed the two month mark.  No day feels worse than another for me.  I don't feel much.  I don't know where two months have gone but for both Graham and I it feels like a million years ago when we were last with Josiah. 

On Monday Isaac are I are going to a local farm for a program.  Our session runs for six weeks on Monday mornings.  I think Isaac is going to like the farm.  I don't know what animals they have but I think it's entirely likely that I won't want them too near me so I hope Isaac doesn't pick up on that.

Up high in the combine

Actually, we went to a farm last Sunday and Isaac was able to sit in a combine (we all sat in it).  He also sat in a big truck so he's made lots of progress since we went to the event in June and wouldn't go near the big (or little) trucks.  Mind you, there were a lot of people there and some of the trucks at the event were very noisy.  Noise makes me think of public washrooms.  Whenever I take Isaac into a public washroom he just holds his hands over his ears because he hates the sound of the toilet flushing (he doesn't mind it at home) and he really hates the sound of the loud hand dryers.  I never noticed it before but some of the newer hand dryers that work very well are really far too loud.  We don't use them with Isaac but he knows that in a public washroom you never know when you'll hear a flush or the dryer.  Rest assured he does have to take his hands off of his ears to wash his hands.   

Speaking of the potty, Isaac had regressed in his use of the potty.  From what I've read and heard, this is very normal for what Isaac has gone through in terms of losing his brother and all the changes that have happened.  I think I was being

understanding but I wasn't going to be so forever.  This Mean Momma was about to start taking away toys but I decided I would ask the counsellor first.  When we saw him last week he told me that I shouldn't take away toys and that it would make it worse.  He actually taught about potty training before.  I decided I'd follow his advice for a month.  I armed myself with stickers and educational reward presents from the dollar store.  We talked to Isaac and let him know that this was really normal because of Josiah passing away and that he just needed to relearn to use the potty.  Three days later with no changes I was ready to take away toys again starting this past Monday.  Thankfully for Isaac he decided to start relearning on Monday and he earned his first present.  He's done really well since then and now he's excited to earn his stickers.  There haven't been accidents for a few days.  Praise the Lord!  I still don't think he'll want to ask a stranger (Sunday School teacher) or anyone other than immediate family to take him to the potty but I'm okay with that.  We'll take him before Sunday School begins and hope he lasts (and take a change of clothes).   

Isaac's first potty present

Isaac brought up the name of the volunteer who used to come and see him.  He said he'd like to see her.  I just said that maybe we'd see her one day (maybe we'll see her in a store or something).  I'm thankful that Isaac has a good memory.  I found some stickers in his bag today and I asked him if he knew where they were from.  He said they were from the hospital.  He received these Sesame Street stickers whenever he would leave the playroom at SickKids Hospital.  


I saw someone at the grocery store tonight whom I haven't seen in years.  She asked me how I've been keeping busy.  "Well ...."  I wouldn't have felt right not bringing up Josiah but it's also a little weird telling someone that your baby just passed away. 

I would like to cry and feel more but it might be coming little by little.  Actually, I started crying about something else that I was sad about last week but after two seconds I just changed my thoughts and cried about Josiah instead so it's nice to know that I can do that. 

Thank you so much for your prayers.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Lamentations 3:22-23 
²² Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness. 

Toronto Island

On the ferry

We just returned from Toronto Island where we had a great day with my brother's family.  The weather was perfect (warm but overcast for some of the day so it wasn't too hot) and we had lots to do.  Isaac especially enjoyed the train ride, the ice cream cone, the splash pad, and playing with his cousins.  However, Isaac did not have a nap and he just went to sleep after 9:00 PM so we'll see if he sleeps through the night.  He often wakes up in the night if he doesn't get enough sleep during the day.  Thankfully he went down well.

I'm tired so I don't have a lot of energy to write tonight.  We saw the counsellor for our second visit this week and it went well.  I asked some questions about Isaac and it was helpful to hear his recommendations.  Our counsellor has a lot of experience with children so that was a nice surprise.  

Isaac was looking at photos of Josiah so I asked him if he wanted one in his room.  He said he wants a photo of him tickling Baby.  I still need to try to find one like that.  In the meantime he chose a different one.  I was looking through photos on our computer and I'm so thankful for all of the lovely shots we have of Josiah.  There are also a lot that are hard to look at - either he had tape all over his face and his face was red because it took so long to figure out proper tapes for his skin or he looks sad or crying.  All of the smiling photos are such a blessing.  They are wonderful reminders that he did know joy.

I was feeling a little guilty that I'd taken away his DVD player in his last week of life.  However, the thought came to me this week (thank You Lord) that I think he was cuddled more and played more in his last week because he didn't have a DVD player.  I have great memories of his last Monday when it was just me and him and we played for a long time in the living room.  Also, each morning for the last little while I would take him our of the crib and cuddle him after I started his milk. 

I am thankful that Josiah didn't have any lines in him (his PICC line was removed on Christmas Eve).  He didn't have diaper rash or a morphine pump.  We never needed to inject him with morphine.  In the early months at home he moaned for a while but he really didn't do that for his last months.  He never stopped progressing, he didn't sleep all the time (which seems a little amazing given his low oxygen saturation levels), and he usually smiled each day.  

I remembered this week that we stopped at a McDonald's restaurant with a play park on our way to the cottage to give Isaac a chance to use up some energy.  I may have used the term "play room" because he didn't want to go into the play park.  He thought I had meant that he was going to be able to play in the play room at Ronald McDonald House and he remembered a specific Snoopy toy that he wanted to play with.  He was quite disappointed.

I was standing and waiting somewhere this week and I was sort of in a conspicuous spot so I started looking in my bag to look like I was actually doing something.  I pulled out a receipt and found that it was dated exactly one year earlier.  It was a Tim Horton's receipt from SickKids.  There are so many reminders.  Even things like Starbucks Treat Receipt and Word on the Street remind me of being at SickKids.  I'm sure Thanksgiving will remind me being there. 

There is one activity that both Graham and I find challenging as it relates to Josiah.  It's actually surprising to both of us.  Any guesses?  It's grocery shopping.  We usually shop at a grocery store that has clothes and all sorts of things.  I say to myself, "I would have bought him that - he would look great in it." or "He'll never grow to be that big."  I see the diapers I would have bought him and I very much dislike seeing the drinkable yogurt that I only bought for him (thank You Lord that he learned to drink it).  I'll never be able to hear Josiah ask me for a treat and buy him a chocolate bar.  I think when I would go to the grocery store I would think about my boys a lot and what they would like and what I could get them and how I could treat them.  Also, for me it was quite normal to be at the grocery store without Josiah who was either with his nurse or Daddy.  I would go home and ask Graham, "How was Josiah?  Did he wake up?  Did you start his feed yet?  Thanks for washing the syringes."  This is the one place right now which is challenging - so, in a way it's nice to have a place that helps me to miss Josiah and feel something.  I can't avoid these feelings by cleaning up the grocery store.

I think I am avoiding these feelings at home by cleaning up.  Our home (the main floor) has never looked tidier.  I'm developing some good habits and that feels good.

I haven't responded to phone calls and emails.  Please don't take it personally.  At the moment I'm just enjoying hanging out with Isaac.  He tried finger painting this week.  Well, he started with a Popsicle stick on day 1 but he bravely used his hands and fingers on day 2.

A year ago this past week Josiah had his second and third surgeries.  Thank You Lord for getting him through those.

Thank you for your prayers.  We still need prayers for Graham's sleep and I actually had two nights with poor sleep as well.  Thankfully Isaac is sleeping really well.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 37:3-4
  Trust in the Lord and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Time to process

I'm getting out of practice.  Graham actually reminded me that it was the night to post.

Looking back at the week I see I've been quite successful at keeping myself busier than I should be if I want to spend time processing Josiah's death.  I made a couple of new recipes, I tidied up and took a number of things to the Salvation Army thrift store, I read some blogs and sometimes slept when Isaac slept.  I read.  I thought today that this is my chance to do things and have freedom that I haven't had for a while and won't have in the same way when the baby arrives.  Then I thought that this timing is probably a gift so that I do have time to process and grieve the best I can before the baby comes.  I need to prioritize what I do and at least spend some time each day just thinking about Josiah or writing about him or sitting in his room, etc.  It is very nice to have a tidier house though. 

We finally decided to become GPS owners.  My parents are to blame as they recently purchased one and they lent it to us for our holiday and I also used it this week to go somewhere.  So, I researched ratings and found the one we wanted on sale and purchased it.  It's so tempting to find ways to spend money (and there are always ways).  It's like I want to come up with a problem that I can then solve by buying something (this process keeps my mind occupied for some time and I start to think that I really need said item or that said item will really help us ... when I know full well that no item will change our life or solve the real issue and hidden ache - though the banana guard has proven to be a good purchase.)

Graham and I went out for dinner on Thursday night and then we painted the mugs we made on our anniversary at the pottery studio.  I should be able to pick them up next week.  I love the Indian restaurant in Guelph that we have now been to twice. 

This week I finally threw out the last syringes we used that final morning to give Josiah his meds.  Yes, it's a little ridiculous that it's taken me this long and also kind of gross.  We went to the cemetery tonight. The grass is mainly green again on Josiah's grave so it looks better.  Isaac likes to help Graham water it.  This is a photo that Graham took at the cemetery last week.  This evening I reread a number of the early July posts and the comments that people sent.  That helped me to cry a little tonight.  

Graham hasn't been sleeping well so we could use some prayer for that.  I've also had some discomfort in my left wrist and my left knee so I'm hoping it's short-term. 

Isaac is doing pretty well.  He tells me he's sad because Baby is in Heaven.  He also has a new water bottle because he bit through the soft top of his last cup.  He tells me twice a day (nap time and bed time) that he's sad because he wants his water cup.  He also says that he's happy that he has a new water bottle.  I've actually been wondering if his old cup is bad for his teeth so Mommy is also happy with his new water bottle. 

When we were on holiday we went out for breakfast one day.  When we were in the car driving away, Isaac said, "Chicks come from eggs.  We had eggs."  He is Mr. Observant.   

I almost forgot to write about Isaac's exciting trip yesterday.  He went on his first "City bus" with Daddy to his work and then he went to Daddy's office.  He was a little nervous about going on the bus but he was excited to tell me about it and he kept repeating the noise the bus makes when the doors open (he doesn't like loud noises).  This is a photo of Graham and Isaac before they got on the bus.  I drove and picked Isaac up. 

I just learned about a website that I'm hoping will help me be a much better Household Manager.  I'm afraid I'm not a good cleaner but I have high hopes that the daily task this website tells me to do will help me develop great new habits.  I'm writing this to try to stay accountable.  My sink is clean and I need to wipe it out every time I use it and put my dish drying rack away.  I'm good for Day 1.  Of course the big thing is trying to deal with the clutter but one day at a time.    

Thank you for your prayers! 

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 116:1-2
I love the Lord, because He has heard My voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

Josiah's Funeral and Photo Montage

We are deeply grateful to the following artists for permission to include their songs in our video photo montage as well as Josiah's funeral video.   

Video Photo Montage

JJ Heller - When I'm With You
Sara Groves - Open My Hands
Sara Groves - Hiding Place
Matt Redman - Never Once

Funeral Service

Vertical Church Band - Light Shine In
Matt Redman - Blessed Be Your Name
Keith & Kristyn Getty - In Christ Alone

Forever Reign
Words & Music by Jason Ingram & Reuben Morgan
c 2009 Hillsong Music Publishing & Sony ATV / Timber / West Main Music / Windsor Hill Music (SESAC).  All rights on behalf of Sony ATV/Timber, West Main Music and Windsor Hill Music admin. by Sony ATV.  All rights reserved.  Duration: 04:10 mins

YouTube Video

We played a Youtube video at the end of the funeral which includes the song Farther Along by Josh Garrells.  We have permission from Josh Garrells to use his song though we were not able to contact the person who created the video or the artist whose beautiful images are used (TSO Photography).