New rooms

Isaac helping to wash his walls on which he drew

I'm feeling sleepy but it's been a productive day.  Josiah's room is now officially Isaac's room.  I'm thanking God for the idea that popped into my head sometime this week.  I really wasn't sure about it but I decided to ask Isaac (after Graham said he was fine with it) if he would like to change rooms.  Right away he told me that he would like to be in Josiah's room and he's been excited about it ever since.  The switch happened today.  My parents dropped by to lend a hand and it didn't take very long. 

Isaac's old room is set up just as it was when Isaac was a newborn, though it is still a mess with a number of Josiah's things that I haven't dealt with yet.  Earlier this week I sorted all of our bins of baby clothes.  Everything was mixed up but now all the bins are labelled.  It will feel good to wash the newborn clothes and have them put away ready for the new baby.  It will also be odd to be prepared ahead of time but I think I'll like the feeling.

Isaac in his new room (not wanting to smile for the camera)

Isaac is very happy with his new room and I think it will be good that the new baby won't be in Josiah's old room.  I was thinking that I would picture myself rocking Josiah each time I rocked the new baby in the chair.  I'm sure that will still happen, and I'll be glad for the memories, but the different room will be helpful.   

I'm often picking up a few things at the grocery store on Saturday evenings.  I'm not sure if it's just at this time or all the time but the music that's played is often emotional and slow and even without knowing the words I'm always thinking of Josiah and I walk around in a bit of a fog.

I realized the other Sunday that we'd passed the six-month mark without me even noticing.  I guess I'm  further away from when he was alive every day and also closer to seeing him again. 

Graham and I are trying not to be anxious about this baby's arrival.  We're trying to follow Philippians 4:6-8 (below).  I have some labour angst (both previous births were a little traumatic in different ways) but mostly we're wondering what feelings will be brought up and how we'll do with lack of sleep.  I'm definitely more emotional when I'm tired, not to mention the crazy hormones that will do their thing.  I've also not had a birth in which  I deliver and then they hand me the baby and leave.  Both Isaac and Josiah were whisked away within a few minutes - I guess that's my comfort zone (I'm sure that sounds a little ridiculous).  I had NICU and CCCU nurses telling me what to do and I'm so thankful I did.  Of course, we're not hoping for drama.  Have I mentioned that I'm not a great juggler?  However, God has always provided and I know He'll be with us through the birth and transition period.  We will welcome our gift from God with joy.   

I enjoyed reading a book about parenting powerful children.  I think Isaac and I have some power struggles because my natural bent is to be a little too controlling.  I think being aware of this will hopefully help me to parent him better.  I'm also very challenged by the book Radical which I've mentioned previously. 

Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Philippians 4:6-8

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Know fully

Isaac dressed as a duckling

In the car on the way home tonight Isaac said to me, "I have a sweet tooth.  Be careful Mommy.  I'm going to eat you."

I was able to cry this week.  It's been a while.  I was thinking about the fact that while I will definitely see Josiah again, he won't be the Josiah I held close and sang to on the morning of July 6, shortly before he died.  I realize that when I see Josiah I won't care about the fact that he's not an oxygen-deprived, blue, scarred, delayed 14-month old beautiful baby ... but in my present reality that's not necessarily a happy thought as I want my baby again.  I want to be his Mommy.  There is a loss.  There are things that will never be again.

1 Corinthians 13:12 tells us: "For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."  So yes, I do believe that being with Christ and knowing fully will mean that I will have full and complete joy as well ... but for now I need to grieve my losses.  However, I am thankful that we do not "sorrow as others who have no hope" (1 Thessalonians 4:13). 

I'm perusing a book from the library:  When the Bough Breaks: forever after the death of a son or daughter.  Graham read this quotation to me from the book:  "This grief, Theodore realized, was one of the few separating things in their life together.  ... He learned then about the isolation of grief, even for those in the same grief.  Grief can't be shared.  Every one carries it alone, his own burden, his own way." (Page 101)  Some research shows that "for fathers, grief seems to decline much more rapidly than for mothers.  Grief tends to be particularly intense for mothers two years after the death, although this will diminish after more time has passed." (Page 108) Another bereavement researcher says, "The death of a child has a paradoxical effect on the relationship between the parents.  The shared loss creates a new and very profound tie between them at the same time the individual loss each of them feels creates an estrangement in the relationship.  The paradox of a new bond amidst estrangement is a central theme in the marital relationships among bereaved parents." (Page 122)  I think Graham and I have both been open and honest about where we're at in terms of our grief so that has helped us a lot, along with God's abundant grace and comfort.

Isaac's had a haircut

It's past my bedtime.

Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,
Elizabeth


1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.
For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words.

Some thoughts

Last week I wrote that Graham and Isaac were feeling better.  Then Graham had to return home from work on Monday and he didn't go into work on Tuesday due to his cold and then it hit Isaac for the rest of the week.  Isaac's library program started up again this week but we skipped it as it felt like -40 degrees outside - crazy.  Hopefully we'll be able to go this Tuesday.  I'm healthy and praying that I stay that way.

Earlier this week I was speaking with Isaac about Graham being at work.  Isaac said, "You don't need to go to work Mommy."  I decided that I wanted to know more so I asked him, "Why don't I have to go to work?"  He actually responded by telling me, "Because you're a woman and women don't work."  Oh my.  He's three!  No thank you.  What have I done?  I let him know that in fact I do work (giving examples) and that before he came along I worked a lot outside of our home and explained that many many women do work outside the home.   I'm thinking he's come to this conclusion for a few main reasons.  First, I speak quite a bit about how thankful we are that Daddy works hard all day so that I can stay home with Isaac and we thank Graham for working at his job and shovelling snow, etc.  I don't usually use the word work to talk about what I do at home.  Also, he's mainly exposed to me, Grandmas, and other stay-at-home moms though he would of course see women working at the grocery store, library, and places we would visit. 

Isaac has the idea that as he gets bigger and bigger, Graham and I will get smaller and smaller.  He told me that he'll make me lunch and supper when this happens. 

"I'm one of Josiah's books."

Isaac was looking through a box of "Josiah's books" during one of his quiet times.  He called me to come to him and when I arrived he was on top of the basket of books and told me that he was one of Josiah's books.  I told him that he was Josiah's favourite book. 

Isaac became most upset at supper yesterday because he told us he had eaten too much food and wanted dessert.  He told us that his supper went to his stomach but dessert would go to his head.  I left this one to Graham as he's better at getting Isaac to eat.  He told Isaac that he needed to eat two more bites and then he could have dessert.  Isaac said, no, he'd eat ten.  As it turned out, there were only seven bites left so he finished his plate and then ate a cookie. 

Isaac received some paints this Christmas so he painted his first painting with a paintbrush this week (he's done finger painting and Popsicle stick painting in the past). 

I've done quite a bit of baking this week.  I've been trying to use up things in my cupboard and freezer.  I bought ingredients and was hoping to bake for Christmas but that didn't end up happening.  Isaac usually likes to help me bake but he still leaves the room when I have to use the mixer as he doesn't like the noise. 

One perk of Graham working at the library is that he is able to borrow books from different libraries.  He ordered "For All The Saints?  Remembering the Christian Departed" by N.T. Wright.  You may recall my question about the period of time between one's death and resurrection.  I read most of another of N.T. Wright's books but I wasn't quite clear on where he stood (as this question wasn't the point of that book) but he's very clear in this book.

Grandma L. makes lovely sweaters!

He writes, "... all the Christian departed are in substantially the same state, that of restful happiness.  This is not the final destiny for which they are bound, namely the bodily resurrection; it is a temporary resting place."  Again he says, "I have tried to articulate what I take to be the solid, substantial and central New Testament hope, based on the death and resurrection of Jesus and the gift of his Spirit:  that all God's people in Christ are assured of being with Christ himself, in a glorious restful existence, until the day when everything is renewed, when heaven and earth at last become one, and we are given new bodies to live and love and celebrate and rule in God's new creation."  This rest includes awareness.  To me, this idea seems to correspond better to many passages about death in the Bible.  However, I think the Bible is vague about this time period - perhaps because the big excitement is the resurrection, not the time in between. 

I still find it a little obscure - resting but aware with Jesus and no body - and yet the idea of Josiah having a rest with Jesus is actually quite glorious.  I should confess that when I was little I daydreamed about going to school in my double bed in my pyjamas so the idea of a complete rest in paradise with Jesus sounds amazing!  It's easy to look back at our wonderful pictures of Josiah laughing and think that his life was like that but it wasn't.  I'd grab the camera and snap the picture when he was smiling (and we are so thankful for all those precious moments, photos, and memories).  We have some other pictures and videos that tell more of the reality.  He had a hard life.  He seemed most at peace when he was sleeping. 

I like what he writes about praying for the dead: "True prayer is an outflowing of love; if I love someone, I will want to pray for them, not necessarily because they are in difficulties, not necessarily because there is a particular need of which I'm aware, but simply because holding them up in God's presence is the most natural and appropriate thing to do ....  Now love doesn't stop at death.  In fact, grief could almost be defined as the form love takes when the object of love has been removed; it is love embracing an empty space, love kissing thin air and feeling the pain of that nothingness.  But there is no reason at all why love should discontinue the practice of holding the beloved in prayer before God."  Wright wrote of a professor and layman in the church whose three adult children had died "and he had come to realize that it was perfectly in order to continue to hold those beloved children before God in prayer ... because he wanted to talk to God about them, to share as it were his love for them with the God who had given them and had inexplicably allowed them to be taken away again."  Our prayers when Graham leaves in the morning and before bed include, "Please say hi to Josiah for us."  I ask God to tell Josiah I love him and miss him.

It's past my bedtime.  We had a lovely dinner at our friends' home this evening.  We're looking forward to church in the morning.

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 9:9-10
The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.  And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.

Happy 2014!

New pyjamas

There's not much to report right now other than Graham says I'm nesting.  I think I'll need to nest for a couple of months in order to clear some space in our basement.  Last night and today I've been able to recycle and get rid of tons of old papers and course notes and odds and ends (this even included some high school notes!).  There are still lots of piles for me to tackle and I'd love to just keep going tonight until it's all dealt with but that would be unwise.  I'll go at it a pile and a box at a time.

Graham and Isaac have been a little under the weather but both are feeling better now.  

Each day I read the blog post from last year and remember.  Josiah went through a lot even those first couple of months at home when we hadn't figured out the right amount of morphine or the correct way to tape his face.  Thankfully Graham was able to be off of work until the 7th of January so that we could learn through the transition together.  God provided in so many ways.

I am excited that my new study Bible arrived yesterday.  I've started a new reading plan and I'm hoping to learn and grow.

In cleaning out the basement, I saw a little crib that I played with when I was a small girl.  I asked Graham what he thought about Isaac using it for some of his stuffed animals.  Graham was fine with the idea so I asked Isaac if he'd like me to put a crib in his closet and he was very excited.  He put a little lamb in it right away and covered him up and then told me that he needed to read the Bible to the lamb so he took out his Bible. 

Putting Lamb to bed in the crib

Then he knelt by the crib and prayed before leaving the room so that the lamb could sleep.

We're looking forward to getting together with our group members from The Coping Centre soon.  It will be good to see everyone again.

Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Saying prayers for Lamb

Ephesians 5:1-2
Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children.  And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Goodbye 2013

Isaac woke up happy yesterday morning, calling Mommy and Daddy.   Graham went in and asked him how he was feeling as he had been a little under the weather.  He answered, "Delicious.  I'm Mommy's cookie." 

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!  We've been enjoying our time with family.  Last week was a full week and the celebrations continue.  Tonight we'll celebrate New Year's Eve with Graham's parents. We'll say goodbye to 2013 and welcome 2014, a year that Josiah will never be part of (inside our time and space), except in our hearts and minds, photos and memories. 

Christmas was nice.  Thankfully there were some tears but we were also able to enjoy the day with family.  We went to a Christian Reformed church service on Christmas morning.  I grew up going to church on Christmas Day so it was nice to be able to do that again.  The large church was packed.  Of course we sang about Jesus coming as a baby and other things that brought Josiah to mind and tears to my eyes.  I cry more easily when I'm out of my regular environment. 

Watching city workers cleaning up branches

We made it through the ice storm the Sunday before Christmas.  Church was cancelled but Graham had already decided that I wasn't to go outside and risk falling.  We just lost some branches from the trees outside our home but thankfully we didn't lose our hydro.

On the Monday before Christmas, Graham and I went to SickKids to meet with Josiah's cardiologist who reviewed the autopsy report and gave us a copy.  It was great timing to be able to receive this before the end of the year.  We are both really happy we had the autopsy done.  The cardiologist said that he recommends having one done as he thinks it helps the parents.  It was a hard decision to make at the time last July as some medical personnel advised against it as we knew of Josiah's various conditions.  I knew I wanted it done but I generally try to please people and not burden them and I knew this would cause more work and delay the funeral so I felt a little guilty.  I was able to speak to other friends who had been in this situation as well as my friend's mother who is a pathologist (God provides in every way).  Thankfully, Graham made the final decision that we should have the autopsy done.

The cardiologist said it's extremely likely that the cause of Josiah's death was his shunt.  They found his shunt to be 40-50% narrowed which means that a lot less blood was getting to his lungs to be oxygenated.  While there was no evidence of a clot, the doctor thinks a clot may have blocked the shunt, causing his death.  Graham and I had never thought about this occurring and I hadn't been able to figure out how his heart could just stop so this was really helpful to hear.

I think it's a gift from God that we just had imaging of Josiah done about a month before his death.  If we hadn't had it done, it would have been easy to think that we could have prevented this by having scans done.  The imaging did not show severe narrowing of the shunt. 

The autopsy was also able to confirm his earlier diagnoses.  Apart from God intervening, there weren't good medical options for Josiah.  While we never would have been ready to say good-bye to Josiah, God was ready to take him and we find comfort knowing that we will see him again. 

This past Sunday our church family shared a feast at church followed by a baptismal and communion service.  I love watching baptisms and hearing people's stories of how God made Himself known to them (our tradition has older children and adult baptisms and not infant baptisms).  

Bingo the Bear is dead.  Graham said he died quite a while ago but Isaac just informed me of this news last week (or perhaps I forgot).  Bingo the Bear is one of the many characters in Graham's nightly stories which he makes up with Isaac's help.  Isaac is one very blessed little boy to have new stories every night.  Isaac told me that Bingo became sick and died and now has no more tubes.

Last week was also the first time that Isaac told me he was with someone in his room.  He told me he was with a cat and then he went running down our hall and back with the cat (possibly holding his tail).  He's often pretended with his stuffed animals but I think this was the first time everything was imaginary. 

Josiah's gravesite in the snow

Isaac has told me a number of times that he doesn't like our kitchen.  The problem?  Our dishwasher should be black, not white.  Thankfully he's fine with the rest of the rooms in our home (the other rooms do not have dishwashers).  

Isaac uses one of our pillows as a "copy machine".  The other day he copied himself so that there were four Isaacs.  (I think this idea came up in one of Graham's stories).  I asked how I would feed all of the Isaacs.  Right away he copied an imaginary bowl of ice cream so that all the Isaacs had ice cream.  I asked him to copy broccoli.  He copied it for the other Isaacs but he didn't have any himself.  Apparently not even pretend broccoli is to his liking.

I just finished reading "Undaunted: Daring to do what God calls you to do" by Christine Caine and now I'm reading "Radical: Taking back your faith from the American Dream" by David Platt.  I'm very impressed that our local library had both of these books.  Both are challenging and inspiring.  Often when we're in the car together on a longer trip, I'll read to Graham.  I read part of the first book to him and I want to read the second book to him. 

I look forward to wishing you a Happy New Year in 2014.  God has been so faithful and good to us in 2013.  He has provided for us in every way.  He will continue to help us grieve our sweet Josiah.  We look forward to welcoming another son in 2014 and seeking God deeper, that our lives would glorify Him more and more.  I'm afraid I'm much better at talking about this and reading about this than doing it - may that not be true in 2014.

Thank you for all your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 73:28
But as for me, how good it is to be near God!  I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do.

Imagination

Isaac's first tie

I needed some alone time again so last Sunday I stayed home.  I went to Josiah's chair and I cried easily.  Then I slept, ate, read the Bible and my Advent book, and napped a little more before I prepared lunch.  It was nice that I didn't need a cd this time to cry.  Actually, both Graham and I were more emotional last Sunday.  We watched the Westjet Youtube video of their gift giveaway and some other emotional videos, discovering that beautiful, happy moments might actually get the tears running faster than sad videos.  

One day at lunch time I asked Isaac if he'd like to write some letters to people as he sometimes writes Graham notes on his napkins to take to work and he has sent Graham a couple of emails (he tells me what to write).  He said he would and then he said, "Let's write a prayer."  While "scribbling" on the table with the end of his spoon he said, "Dear God, Thank You for Baby Josiah in Heaven with You Jesus.  Amen." 

I'd just given Isaac two Smarties for going to the toilet by himself and then I sent him back to his room for quiet time.  He comes out of his room and walks to the living room to find me, saying that he'd like another treat.  I'm preparing to tell him no when he comes to me and says, "I want a hug from you and that will be another treat."  That boy knows how to woo his Mommy.  I gave him the hug ... and then sent him back to his room. 

Isaac told me that he wanted to grow up to be a train.  He wasn't very happy to hear that little boys don't grow up to be trains even though I assured him that he could work on one.  I don't think I stifled his imagination too much as the next day he told me he was going to grow up to be a bird. Thankfully he's also listed fire man and zoo keeper (so he can pet the lions) as potential occupations.

I love Isaac's imagination.  We made a couple of puzzles at his grandparent's home and then I said that's all they had.  He went and picked up an empty wooden container and brought it over and told me we could do that puzzle.  He "dumped out" the imaginary "pieces" which he proceeded to turn over and then we put the edge pieces together first, followed by the middle pieces - it was a puzzle of Winnie the Pooh and Eeyore, in case you were wondering.

Some days Josiah seems more like a figment of my imagination than a son who came from my womb.  

Thanks to the love and help of family, I was able to surprise Graham last night by picking him up from work without Isaac and letting him know it was date night.  We went out for dinner and a movie.  I can't remember the last movie we saw in a theatre so it was a very nice treat.  Isaac had a blast with his cousins and cried this morning when it was time to leave.   

Happy 45th Anniversary to my wonderful parents and to my Uncle John and Auntie Dorothy in Northern Ireland!

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Luke 2:6-7
So it was, that while they were there, the days were completed for her to be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

Thankfulness and tears

Last week in church I realized again the immense list of things to be thankful for in regard to Josiah.  I think it's only by God's incredible grace that I look back on those three and a half months in Toronto, when Josiah was at SickKids, with fond memories.  I remember the doctors, surgeons, fellows, nurses, physiotherapists, pharmacists, other parents, the incredible support, the meals, the walks back and forth, ... with a grateful heart.  Just this week we saw an uncommon name in print and Graham noted that Josiah had had an RT with that name.

We enjoyed a birthday celebration for Isaac last Sunday afternoon.  The bacon-wrapped dates filled with goat cheese seemed to turn out well.  Isaac turned 3 years old this past Wednesday.   In bed the night of his celebration, Isaac told me that Josiah would have been able to have some of his cake and also some of his cousins' cake.

I want to clarify some of my comments in last week's blog post regarding whether or not I'm isolating myself.  I'm not.  However, I'm worse than ever at returning phone calls and emails.  I not too interested in Christmas parties but I've never been much of a party girl.  I'm more of a one-on-one heart-to-heart girl or a small-group girl.  I enjoyed a movie night with one friend and coffee with another friend this week.

It's said that grief changes you.  I've talked to other parents, some of whom see very little change in themselves and others who see many changes.  My own verdict is still out.  I won't rush to make this conclusion.  I've heard and read others in my situation discuss all they've learned through the challenges.  I'm not yet sure what my list would include.   

Apparently pumpkins can last quite a while.  I roasted the pumpkin that Isaac picked from the pumpkin patch that has been sitting alternately on my dishwasher and counter.  I added it to my first risotto along with curry spice and we enjoyed it.  I've also decided that roasted broccoli is much better than steamed broccoli.  Isaac still isn't a fan of this green vegetable.  I think it may have to do with the texture.

I look at Josiah's photos or videos and say, "How is it possible that you are not here?  How is it possible that you haven't been here for five months?  How can my sweet, sweet, baby be gone?  He was such a sweet baby.  I cried the night of Isaac's party and birthday as I was sad that the boys couldn't be together.  I cried today when I realized that I'd only taken a few photos of Josiah for two minutes on the evening before he died (of course, I should be incredibly grateful - and I am - that I have photos in the days, weeks, and months before he died.)  I cried watching Youtube videos of soldiers returning home and surprising their children - oh, if only Josiah could come and surprise me.  I appreciate the tears.

I was talking to a mother recently on the first anniversary of her baby's death.  She has dreams of her baby.  I think it would be great to be able to dream about Josiah and see him in more than just a photo or video.  I wonder if it's not hard to look at his photos or videos because I still haven't really processed that he's gone and not coming back.  It's possible.

One of my friends had her baby this afternoon.  Congratulations! 

This morning Isaac called for me when he woke up.  I went in and sat down on his bed and gave him a hug.  He said, "I like you.  You are the best mommy I ever had."

Isaac's last night being two!

Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Luke 2:13-14
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying:

“Glory to God in the highest,
And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!”