Getting behind the wall

Isaac and Graham had a Daddy-son date this morning.  They went out for breakfast and stopped by Josiah's graveside and then went to the pet store and looked at the animals.  I had a perfectly lovely time at home.  I put music on and actually cleaned our home.  It felt very good to be by myself and actually accomplish something constructive.  Going out for breakfast is not high on my priority list.  I'd rather stay in my pajamas. 

I'm afraid my frugality is going to be obvious in this post.  Isaac dressed up as a chicken on Hallowe'en night last year and went to a few homes with Graham while I was with our octopus (Josiah) at SickKids.  I tried the chicken outfit on Isaac not too long ago (so it seemed) and I thought it fit so I didn't figure Isaac needed another costume.  Who wouldn't want to be a chicken two years in a row?  I think Isaac must have been wearing shorts and a t-shirt at the time he tried on the costume.  Anyway, I took it out from the closet and found it was a size 12-24 months (Isaac will be three years old in December).  It was a little snug.  Graham and I took our cute rooster to show him off at Grandma and Grandpa's home and then we walked in the rain to a few of their neighbours.

The tears didn't hit until later that night, after Isaac had gone to bed.  I wasn't expecting them.  Had Josiah been here, I think I would have dressed him up too, even just for a photo.  He would have been a cute chicken.  I'm thankful for the triggers that bring the missing and the pain.

Last year Hallowe'en marked Josiah's last full day in the CCCU at SickKids.  He was moved to the step-down room on the ward on November 1.  Those last couple of days in the CCCU were nice.  I took Josiah on his first stroller rides out of the CCCU and he was actually off of oxygen for a while with good sats (for him).  We were very hopeful, still expecting a "full" recovery and then the regular future surgeries.    

Earlier this week I googled something that my friend said would make me cry.  It worked and it was helpful for then opening up that place inside where my pain hides.  I've heard talk of "walls"  that are erected to keep the pain away.  I may well have a wall but I don't know how to climb it or tear it down at will.  The video had a song about saying "Good-bye" and I said, "I don't want to say good-bye."  It seems impossible that Josiah is really gone.  Tonight I watched a video on Youtube with an amazing marriage proposal.  It hit me again - all of the things that Josiah will never get to experience (well actually, it's more about me missing out on the experience of my son doing things - Josiah is not missing these things where he is.)

I've been looking back at the old posts as well as our many photos.  I'm so thankful for both. 

Isaac told me a story by himself this week that he made up.  He started with, "Once upon a time (with slight mispronunciation) there was a boy named Isaac."  He went swimming and flying with the ducks and later he had a picnic where he ate samosas that his Grandma Lucas bought for him.  We were at the kitchen table at the time, eating samosas that we bought.   

Later, Isaac pointed to some wooden dowels he had put in one of his trucks.  He said they were log money.  I asked what the money was for and he said it was for taxes.  I asked where he learned about taxes and he said, "At school."  I'm amazed at all the things he learns at this imaginary school of his.  Perhaps he talked about taxes in Sunday School.

One of the books I read talked about the severe depression that one mother went into about five months after her son passed away.  I realized that this would not be a good time to be in depression (I'm sure there is never a good time for this but I've heard that there may be detrimental affects on a baby in a womb when an expectant mother is depressed - though I haven't researched this).  I think I'm slowly coming to terms with how I am grieving and trying to be okay with that.  The more I'm able to get behind "the wall," the more normal I feel and the closer to Josiah I feel.

Earlier this week Isaac and I were eating soup I had made.  He said that Jesus would give the soup to Josiah and he would like it.  Is it any wonder that I give that dear boy so many kisses. 

The three of us attended a funeral this week.  We talked about it with Isaac but when we arrived, he asked where Baby Josiah was.  During the funeral Graham drew a picture of our family to help keep Isaac occupied and of course Josiah needed to be in the picture along with the new baby called "Baby on the way".

We supposedly get an extra hour of sleeping tonight but I'm not sure if it will work out that way with Isaac so I'd better get to bed.

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 91:2
I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."