One year ago

Last Sunday morning I awoke at Graham's parent's home to the sound of Isaac at 5:30 AM.  I went to this room and cuddled in beside him, trying to keep him quiet.  After a while, his little hands examined my face in the dark and his small voice said, "Beauuutiful Mommy."  Okay, you can wake me up for this.

Grandma and Grandpa F. have a baby doll at their house with all their other toys.  Isaac took the baby to the hospital (the kitchen) where it died.  He later told me that Jesus healed the baby so he could take it home.  I said it would have been nice if that had happened to Josiah but I reminded him that we wouldn't be able to take Josiah home.  He said that we would be able to.  Isaac has talked about missing Josiah quite a lot this week.  Today his "baby Thomas train" died and the other trains were sad because they wouldn't see him again.  He had gone to the train hospital.  We talked about how this was sad and then he told me that he missed Baby Josiah.  We discussed what we would do if Josiah was with us in the living room.

One morning this week Isaac hid just as Graham was about to leave to catch the bus for work.  Graham joked, "I know you're sad to say goodbye to Daddy, but ..."  Isaac came out of his hiding spot and said right away, "I'm not sad.  I'm happy to be with Mommy."  Sweet boy! 

We saw our counsellor again this past Tuesday.  He said he'd read an article recently that stated how difficult it is for those who are 'socialized to not cry', to then cry.  It's not difficult if one is surprised by something that makes them cry.  That has been my experience.

We had our last session at the Coping Centre.  Actually, they have a follow up group about grief and spirituality that we would like to go to but it won't work out with the timing of our baby's arrival. 
We enjoyed a delicious potluck meal together. 

I have now transferred from my family doctor to my OB.  He hasn't been my OB before but he was the doctor on call when I was in labour with Isaac so he delivered him. I was planning to ask him about getting an echocardiogram for this baby but I forgot.  He brought it up himself so one will be scheduled in the next few weeks.  There's no reason for concern as the ultrasound showed everything to be fine but an echo should give a much better look of the heart and it makes sense given Josiah's heart defects. 

It's easier to go the grocery store now but I miss the challenge.  This week I purposely walked down the baby food aisle and looked at the Crunchies I used to buy Josiah and I stopped by the Greek yogurt drink instead of avoiding it.  I wanted to remember and feel some pain.

It seems amazing to me that it was a year ago this past week that we brought Josiah home from his more than three and a half month stay at SickKids.  It was Thursday, November 22, 2012 that we made the trek.  There are lots of memories.  I'm so thankful we chose not to come home with the morphine pump and that the picc line was only in for one more month. 

It's time to go to bed.  Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 100:4-5
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name. For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting, And His truth endures to all generations.