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| Isaac watching Grandpa F. mow the lawn |
Isaac often returns to a recurring theme of wanting to be a baby. His common refrain: "Please let me be a baby again." Earlier this week I asked him why he wants to be a baby. He told me that he wanted to go to the hospital and die. I asked him why he wanted to die and his answer was about seeing Josiah. We then chatted about various things. I reminded him about Josiah's sick heart and his own healthy heart and explained that most babies do not die. I also informed him that he would need two naps if he were a baby again and he didn't like that idea.
I was watching videos of Josiah again this week. We are so thankful for all the progress he made since returning home from his long stay in the hospital. However, in some ways he didn't progress much at all though I'm not sure this was evident to us at the time. I do wonder how much he would have and could have learned. Thankfully he mastered his beautiful smile.
Graham and I enjoyed showing Josiah's slide show at the Coping Centre this week. It was good to see the photos of the others whom we've heard about for weeks. We have our last session this week; we're having a potluck dinner together. We're really going to miss going each week.
I was able to cry a little more this week. I cried after seeing his birth certificate in a folder and his SIN card which he'll never use. I remember saying one time while crying, "Why take my baby and then give me another one?" I'm thankful I was able to get pregnant before Josiah passed away. We had been trying for a while and God had perfect timing.
I woke up early one morning and thought about how I seem to be bracing myself for something bad to happen. I haven't thought about that before and it's not that I'm telling myself to brace but I think that's what I'm doing. I think I wonder if something negative will happen during this pregnancy. I type this as the baby is kicking me to let me know he's there. It reminds me a little of being in labour with Isaac. He was transverse and I remember being in such pain in my back and my thigh at the same time. The wonderful nurse told me a few times to "release." I think she meant for me to release my tension. I finally said (a little loudly), "I don't know how to release!" It annoys me a little when I read in the grief books or hear people talk about making the brave choice to grieve and feel the pain and cry. If I knew how to do this at will, I would. I still haven't learned how to release!
Actually, I was excited to read in one grief booklet that writing to the person who has passed away can help bring the tears. So, I took out my journal of letters to Josiah that I started before he was born, only to see and remember that I've already written to Josiah a number of times since his death. It also struck me that I haven't yet written to our baby boy on the way yet. Actually, for both Isaac and Josiah we took weekly pregnancy photos to see me getting bigger. We finally took our first pregnancy photo this week. By the way, the pregnancy is going well.
In terms of "bracing myself," these thoughts reminded me of a previous post in May when I said I felt that I was sitting on the edge of a chair thinking, "He could die. He could die. He could die." so that I wouldn't be surprised. At that time I said I needed to trust God more. Perhaps I am still on the edge of my seat. One would hope that I would learn and grow from all of this. I'm trusting our counsellor and just giving my grief time.
Graham is already asleep beside me so I'd better put out the light. We're not at home so I don't have access to some of our photos so I just have the one photo that Graham took here tonight of Isaac watching his Grandpa F. mow the lawn.
Thank you for your prayers!
Blessings,
Elizabeth
Proverbs 3:5-6
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
We love you sweet Faulkner family ... we continue to pray for you. The Broughm's.
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