Bracing myself

Isaac watching Grandpa F. mow the lawn

We're happy to be spending time with Graham's brother from out west this weekend.

Isaac often returns to a recurring theme of wanting to be a baby.  His common refrain:  "Please let me be a baby again."  Earlier this week I asked him why he wants to be a baby.  He told me that he wanted to go to the hospital and die.  I asked him why he wanted to die and his answer was about seeing Josiah.   We then chatted about various things.  I reminded him about Josiah's sick heart and his own healthy heart and explained that most babies do not die.  I also informed him that he would need two naps if he were a baby again and he didn't like that idea. 

I was watching videos of Josiah again this week.  We are so thankful for all the progress he made since returning home from his long stay in the hospital.  However, in some ways he didn't progress much at all though I'm not sure this was evident to us at the time.  I do wonder how much he would have and could have learned.  Thankfully he mastered his beautiful smile. 

Graham and I enjoyed showing Josiah's slide show at the Coping Centre this week.  It was good to see the photos of the others whom we've heard about for weeks.  We have our last session this week; we're having a potluck dinner together.  We're really going to miss going each week. 

I was able to cry a little more this week.  I cried after seeing his birth certificate in a folder and his SIN card which he'll never use.  I remember saying one time while crying, "Why take my baby and then give me another one?"  I'm thankful I was able to get pregnant before Josiah passed away.  We had been trying for a while and God had perfect timing. 

I woke up early one morning and thought about how I seem to be bracing myself for something bad to happen.  I haven't thought about that before and it's not that I'm telling myself to brace but I think that's what I'm doing.  I think I wonder if something negative will happen during this pregnancy.  I type this as the baby is kicking me to let me know he's there.  It reminds me a little of being in labour with Isaac.  He was transverse and I remember being in such pain in my back and my thigh at the same time.  The wonderful nurse told me a few times to "release."  I think she meant for me to release my tension.  I finally said (a little loudly), "I don't know how to release!"  It annoys me a little when I read in the grief books or hear people talk about making the brave choice to grieve and feel the pain and cry.  If I knew how to do this at will, I would.  I still haven't learned how to release! 

Actually, I was excited to read in one grief booklet that writing to the person who has passed away can help bring the tears.  So, I took out my journal of letters to Josiah that I started before he was born, only to see and remember that I've already written to Josiah a number of times since his death.  It also struck me that I haven't yet written to our baby boy on the way yet.  Actually, for both Isaac and Josiah we took weekly pregnancy photos to see me getting bigger.  We finally took our first pregnancy photo this week.  By the way, the pregnancy is going well.        

In terms of "bracing myself," these thoughts reminded me of a previous post in May when I said I felt that I was sitting on the edge of a chair thinking, "He could die.  He could die.  He could die." so that I wouldn't be surprised.  At that time I said I needed to trust God more.  Perhaps I am still on the edge of my seat.  One would hope that I would learn and grow from all of this.  I'm trusting our counsellor and just giving my grief time.   

Graham is already asleep beside me so I'd better put out the light.  We're not at home so I don't have access to some of our photos so I just have the one photo that Graham took here tonight of Isaac watching his Grandpa F. mow the lawn.

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him, 

And He shall direct your paths.

Lots of memories

Happy 11/12/13!!!

We're trying to get over our most recent round of colds.  

Last week and this week hold lots of memories.  It struck me that Josiah only lived through one August, September, and October and he was never outside for any of those months (of course, his lack of fresh air was the least of his problems.)  One year ago last week was when Josiah's cardiologist met with me to tell me that Josiah was no longer eligible for the surgeries he would need and most likely wasn't eligible for a transplant.  

One year ago today (on the Tuesday) Graham and I met with a medical team who confirmed the dismal prognosis and all agreed we should take Josiah home on palliative care.  I've listened to the songs that meant a lot to us last year and remembered the conversations and fears.  The memories don't bring tears. 

Graham saw this link to an article about how the church can help those who are grieving.  We both appreciated reading it and we're also thankful for the wonderful support we've received from our church family.

Twice last week I heard how serious Isaac is.  This is how he is in groups out in public (not how he acts at home).  He needs to take everything in and process it.  When all the other children were hopping like bunnies, Isaac just watched with a straight face.  Even at the pool he's not quite ready to let go of Daddy's hands to jump into his arms.  I'm so proud of him and all the things he can do but I find it interesting (and perhaps a little sad) that at his age I already want him to jump like a bunny because that's what everyone else is doing.  I'm not quite sure if it's for his sake or my sake.  A friend is reading a book that discussed how we often feel that we need to make apologies for introverts rather than fully valuing their unique characteristics.   

Isaac helped me collect branches to make Ann Voskamp's Thanksgiving Tree.  Each day we take a leaf off the tree and read the verse and then write on the back what we're thankful to God for.  We now have a chart on Isaac's wall for his bedtime routine.  I think it's helped him to focus and he likes to check off what he's done (with help) and tell us what's next.  Mommy's night time singing has now officially been replaced by Daddy's stories.  The librarian asked at story time for favourite stories (referring to actual books) and Isaac told me that his favourite stories were Chippy and Skippy. 

Isaac and I were playing outside on a cold day last week (well, he was playing more than I was).  I thought it would be fun to share some hot chocolate when we came inside.  Isaac was a fan.

At the dinner table the other day Isaac was just talking about various things when he told us, “Bob’s middle name is not 'The'.” (referring to Bob the Builder).   

We had a lovely visit with friends from out of town on Sunday.  

It’s memory night at our group session tomorrow evening.  Each couple will share photos and stories of their child who has passed away. We’re looking forward to showing pictures of Josiah.  

I have a list of items in my head that I would like to try to make.  I’ve now made cake pops.  It was all going well until it was time to dip them in chocolate and decorate them.  That was not my forte.  I had decided that I probably wouldn’t make them again but I think it would be easier the second time so I might try again with Christmas colours.  I enjoyed eating them.  

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

John 3:16

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Getting behind the wall

Isaac and Graham had a Daddy-son date this morning.  They went out for breakfast and stopped by Josiah's graveside and then went to the pet store and looked at the animals.  I had a perfectly lovely time at home.  I put music on and actually cleaned our home.  It felt very good to be by myself and actually accomplish something constructive.  Going out for breakfast is not high on my priority list.  I'd rather stay in my pajamas. 

I'm afraid my frugality is going to be obvious in this post.  Isaac dressed up as a chicken on Hallowe'en night last year and went to a few homes with Graham while I was with our octopus (Josiah) at SickKids.  I tried the chicken outfit on Isaac not too long ago (so it seemed) and I thought it fit so I didn't figure Isaac needed another costume.  Who wouldn't want to be a chicken two years in a row?  I think Isaac must have been wearing shorts and a t-shirt at the time he tried on the costume.  Anyway, I took it out from the closet and found it was a size 12-24 months (Isaac will be three years old in December).  It was a little snug.  Graham and I took our cute rooster to show him off at Grandma and Grandpa's home and then we walked in the rain to a few of their neighbours.

The tears didn't hit until later that night, after Isaac had gone to bed.  I wasn't expecting them.  Had Josiah been here, I think I would have dressed him up too, even just for a photo.  He would have been a cute chicken.  I'm thankful for the triggers that bring the missing and the pain.

Last year Hallowe'en marked Josiah's last full day in the CCCU at SickKids.  He was moved to the step-down room on the ward on November 1.  Those last couple of days in the CCCU were nice.  I took Josiah on his first stroller rides out of the CCCU and he was actually off of oxygen for a while with good sats (for him).  We were very hopeful, still expecting a "full" recovery and then the regular future surgeries.    

Earlier this week I googled something that my friend said would make me cry.  It worked and it was helpful for then opening up that place inside where my pain hides.  I've heard talk of "walls"  that are erected to keep the pain away.  I may well have a wall but I don't know how to climb it or tear it down at will.  The video had a song about saying "Good-bye" and I said, "I don't want to say good-bye."  It seems impossible that Josiah is really gone.  Tonight I watched a video on Youtube with an amazing marriage proposal.  It hit me again - all of the things that Josiah will never get to experience (well actually, it's more about me missing out on the experience of my son doing things - Josiah is not missing these things where he is.)

I've been looking back at the old posts as well as our many photos.  I'm so thankful for both. 

Isaac told me a story by himself this week that he made up.  He started with, "Once upon a time (with slight mispronunciation) there was a boy named Isaac."  He went swimming and flying with the ducks and later he had a picnic where he ate samosas that his Grandma Lucas bought for him.  We were at the kitchen table at the time, eating samosas that we bought.   

Later, Isaac pointed to some wooden dowels he had put in one of his trucks.  He said they were log money.  I asked what the money was for and he said it was for taxes.  I asked where he learned about taxes and he said, "At school."  I'm amazed at all the things he learns at this imaginary school of his.  Perhaps he talked about taxes in Sunday School.

One of the books I read talked about the severe depression that one mother went into about five months after her son passed away.  I realized that this would not be a good time to be in depression (I'm sure there is never a good time for this but I've heard that there may be detrimental affects on a baby in a womb when an expectant mother is depressed - though I haven't researched this).  I think I'm slowly coming to terms with how I am grieving and trying to be okay with that.  The more I'm able to get behind "the wall," the more normal I feel and the closer to Josiah I feel.

Earlier this week Isaac and I were eating soup I had made.  He said that Jesus would give the soup to Josiah and he would like it.  Is it any wonder that I give that dear boy so many kisses. 

The three of us attended a funeral this week.  We talked about it with Isaac but when we arrived, he asked where Baby Josiah was.  During the funeral Graham drew a picture of our family to help keep Isaac occupied and of course Josiah needed to be in the picture along with the new baby called "Baby on the way".

We supposedly get an extra hour of sleeping tonight but I'm not sure if it will work out that way with Isaac so I'd better get to bed.

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 91:2
I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

Colder days

Isaac fell asleep in the swing outside this week so after letting him have some fresh air for a while I brought him inside and he slept on the loveseat.  This is a photo of him sleeping.  He said he needed his shades because it was too sunny outside but soon after I put them on he fell asleep.  

We had our last session at the farm on Monday but unfortunately I didn't have the camera.  We said good-bye to all of the animals during a scavenger hunt and enjoyed spaghetti squash from the garden for our snack.

We met Isaac's aunt and cousins at a museum on Friday and they had fun learning about trees and playing together.  Today Isaac watched his cousins skate and play hockey and later Isaac enjoyed his swimming lesson.  We bundled up this morning as the large wet snow flakes were cold but all the snow has melted.

Graham requested that we eat less meat so we've been eating more vegetarian dishes this week and we bought some mung beans tonight for a recipe I'll try this week.

Isaac received two lovely books in the mail and I also received one the following day.  Isaac especially enjoyed reading about Chester Raccoon whose friend Skiddil Squirrel died.  A number of books have encouraged us to have something physical to help with memories.  Isaac likes pulling down our old photo albums and looking at them so I asked him today if he'd like his own album with pictures of Josiah and he said he would.
 
I'm "enjoying" reading stories of other people who have experienced the death of their child and learning from their grief journeys.

Thankfully my pregnancy is going fine - no issues there to my knowledge.  I see the doctor monthly and have one more visit with my family doctor before I meet my OB/GYN in late November.  It's actually the doctor who happened to be on call and delivered Isaac though he hasn't been my OB/GYN before.   

Graham has a cousin who has some recent health challenges.  We would appreciate any prayers for him and his family.

We are all currently well and looking forward to being back in church tomorrow.

A year ago today (on the Saturday), Josiah was finally extubated for the last time.  We praise God for His incredible faithfulness.

Thank you for your prayers.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 68:19
Praise the Lord; praise God our savior!  For each day He carries us in his arms.

Swimming Fun

We are at home, nursing our colds.  I wrote the following last night but then I needed to go and stay with Isaac:

Graham is feeling a little under the weather and Isaac is on his second night of Advil for his fever.  I was hoping it would also help him sleep tonight but I've been in and out over and over as he wakes up crying.  Thankfully he falls back to sleep quickly.

I didn't write last week as we were away.  We had an extra long Thanksgiving Weekend as Graham took Tuesday off of work.  We drove to Stittsville on the Friday evening to spend the weekend with my brother's family and my parents.  We arrived around 2:15 AM but thankfully Isaac slept for most of the trip.  We haven't been there for over two years as it didn't seem like a feasible trip with Josiah.  It was nice to be there again and to spend time with family.  Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

Isaac's swimming lessons started tonight (he didn't have a fever earlier today and he seemed alright).  Both he and Graham had fun in the water.  Isaac has been looking forward to it for weeks and then he became nervous this afternoon and said he didn't want to go.  He's looking forward to next week.  I wish we had figured out how to get Josiah into a pool.  It would have been nice to see him there.

I've been reading old blog posts from last October.  It reminded me of what a crazy "ride" we had there (especially for our sweet Josiah).  Sometimes I've thought back to being in the hospital and said that I should have held him more there, etc. but then I read about how unstable he was and how he often wasn't comfortable being held.  How amazing is it that we were able to do all we did with him and have him home for so long, without being intubated or needing IV access.  Thank You Lord!

I'm not "down in the dumps" or anything (though in some ways I wish I were) but I'm less inclined to write and read or talk very much and I don't feel much though I think my fuse is a little shorter than usual.  I'm more tired.  I find it harder to remember little things.  I was hoping it was getting easier to cry but it hasn't been easy of late.  I was able to cry the other day when I thought about how we didn't really get to say good-bye to Josiah while he was still with us and neither did Isaac.  Perhaps this is a blessing but I'm really big on saying goodbye.  He was gone before we knew what was happening.  By God's grace both Graham and I had a little alone time with Josiah that final morning and I sang his songs to him.

Actually, I have been reading true stories written by people who have gone through similar experiences.  It's interesting to read the different perspectives from those who consider their baby a gift from God and those who never consider God.  We would never give up those months with Josiah and we thank God for those days with him. 

I realized at the group session last week how different this would be if we didn't have Isaac.  I don't have an option to not get out of bed or not make him meals or just think about Josiah and spend time mentally processing this.  On the other hand, Isaac regularly brings up Josiah, quite a lot in the last week actually.  He still talks about wanting to go to the hospital to see Josiah.  He also wants to go to the playroom there.

For the first time, Isaac told us that his stuffed animal died "because he ate nine chocolate cakes."  We just let him talk and process but the next night he talked about children dying at a park for the same reason so I let him know that people would just get sick from eating that much cake and they might have to go to the hospital.  He assured me that the people had died. 

Isaac told his grandmother this week that he would have an extra candle on his birthday cake for Baby Josiah.  He also found a 1-year old sticker for his growth chart and wanted to put it on Josiah's wall because he was 1 year old.  Isaac likes to tell me that Josiah will run after him in Heaven and tickle him and they will laugh and laugh. 

We made Isaac a cake for being a "Potty Expert" as that is what he requested when we started retraining.  "Expert" might be a little hopeful but he's doing really well.  I asked him if he wanted to see the cake rising in the oven.  He told me it was a "Jesus Cake" as it was "rising."  Isaac's favourite name is "Bingo" so whenever he makes us a story or I ask for a name, he says, "Bingo."

We stopped at a mall so that Isaac could use the toilet on the way back from Stittsville (he told us when we were in the Express Lane on the 401 but thankfully there was a mall at the next exit and he was able to hold it.)  I put him down when we arrived at the escalator and said that Daddy would hold his hand.  He later said to me on two occasions, "When I'm bigger and Daddy is smaller I'll hold his hand on the escalator."  He is a sweet boy.

Thank you for your prayers!  The last farm program is tomorrow so I hope we're able to go.  We're going to miss it.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 65:9
Our lives are in His hands, and He keeps our feet from stumbling.

I like this song by Natalie Grant (In The End):

Kernels, wattles, and tears

I was away at a retreat this weekend with women from my church so I'm posting later than usual.  Isaac and Graham had a good time with his parents on the weekend and I had a great time away.  However, I wish I didn't have the luxury of going away on a retreat.  I wish Josiah was here to need his Mommy's care.    

I saw my doctor on Friday and he said that the ultrasound report was good.  I still don't feel the baby very much but he was moving around during the ultrasound.

Isaac and I have had a wonderful time at the farm the last two weeks.  We have one more session in a couple of weeks.  Last week we learned that each silk thread on the corn cob attaches to one kernel of corn so when picking corn at the market we should pick the one with the most silk threads if we want lots of kernels. Today we learned about chicken combs and wattles.  I confess that I have sometimes confused geese and ducks but now I know to look for a beak on a goose or a more flattened bill on a duck. 

Isaac is giving up some of his naps.  The other day he fell asleep in the car around his nap time so I put him to bed when we arrived home.  He woke up a little but said he wanted to sleep.  I heard him crying about five minutes later so I went in and he cried, "Mommy, how do I close my eyes?"   I went to him and closed his eyes for him and then he told me to leave and he went to sleep. 

Isaac's memory continues to amaze me.  This afternoon in the car he told me that he wanted to go to Ronald McDonald House.  I asked him what he missed there and he told me about playing with Snoopy (in the playroom).  He said it had a spout on it and I told him that it was a straw.  He then spoke about the cardinal on the wall outside (it was attached to the wall outside and we used to look at the big mural).  I'm sure we haven't spoken about the cardinal since we were there.  He was last there last November before he turned two years old!  I remember a social worker telling us that kids don't usually have memories at that age but memories can occur if there is a lot of feeling about something.

I received a lovely necklace from a beautiful stranger this week.  There was a package in the mailbox from someone who has been praying for us.  She had the necklace made with Josiah's name and the dates of his birth and death.  I am very touched that she would do this for me and it means a great deal to me.  At the moment I'm still wearing my Josiah necklace that I've worn since he passed away (I had this when he was alive as I have a different necklace that I wear for Graham, each of the boys and the baby we lost) but I look forward to wearing this new necklace when I'm ready.

I think I cried three times this week.  It hit me during the singing time at church, during our group session, and also during one of the singing times at the retreat.  At our group session this week we spoke about Josiah's final moments.  I cried because I wished I had been able to really mourn for Josiah at his passing.  I understand why I couldn't but I can still grieve the loss of not being able to mourn then.  However, a couple of the stories from others made me realize that my being able to feel in control of my emotions was also a blessing in some ways.  One family felt blessed to have lots of people all around them and in their home but both Graham and I knew this would not have felt like a blessing to us.  Another family had others make a lot of the decisions that needed to be made but it was important to us to make these decisions ourselves (though we are very thankful for all the advice and wisdom we received from others).  I'm so thankful that God showed me these unseen blessings.  He knows what we need.

Josiah has been gone for over three months now.  How can it be that he is no longer here?  I wrote this on Saturday night:

In the intimacy of worshiping my Lord and God, He gives me the gift of tears.  He lets me feel close to Josiah through the pain of missing him.  I rock side to side to the music and remember holding him in my arms - my empty arms that long to hold, love, and protect him.  When I sing about the cross, I remember Josiah's suffering before his death.  Don't pray for my heart to be healed - pray for it to be broken deeply and fully.  Through the pain and tears healing will come. 

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 84:6
When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
    it will become a place of refreshing springs.
    The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.

We're thrilled to announce ...

... that Isaac is having another little brother!!!

We found out the great news during an ultrasound yesterday.  We were also able to see four beautiful heart chambers on the screen.  The sonographer didn't raise any concerns.  I see my doctor this Friday when I hope to hear the full report.

Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

James 1:17
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.