Toronto Island

On the ferry

We just returned from Toronto Island where we had a great day with my brother's family.  The weather was perfect (warm but overcast for some of the day so it wasn't too hot) and we had lots to do.  Isaac especially enjoyed the train ride, the ice cream cone, the splash pad, and playing with his cousins.  However, Isaac did not have a nap and he just went to sleep after 9:00 PM so we'll see if he sleeps through the night.  He often wakes up in the night if he doesn't get enough sleep during the day.  Thankfully he went down well.

I'm tired so I don't have a lot of energy to write tonight.  We saw the counsellor for our second visit this week and it went well.  I asked some questions about Isaac and it was helpful to hear his recommendations.  Our counsellor has a lot of experience with children so that was a nice surprise.  

Isaac was looking at photos of Josiah so I asked him if he wanted one in his room.  He said he wants a photo of him tickling Baby.  I still need to try to find one like that.  In the meantime he chose a different one.  I was looking through photos on our computer and I'm so thankful for all of the lovely shots we have of Josiah.  There are also a lot that are hard to look at - either he had tape all over his face and his face was red because it took so long to figure out proper tapes for his skin or he looks sad or crying.  All of the smiling photos are such a blessing.  They are wonderful reminders that he did know joy.

I was feeling a little guilty that I'd taken away his DVD player in his last week of life.  However, the thought came to me this week (thank You Lord) that I think he was cuddled more and played more in his last week because he didn't have a DVD player.  I have great memories of his last Monday when it was just me and him and we played for a long time in the living room.  Also, each morning for the last little while I would take him our of the crib and cuddle him after I started his milk. 

I am thankful that Josiah didn't have any lines in him (his PICC line was removed on Christmas Eve).  He didn't have diaper rash or a morphine pump.  We never needed to inject him with morphine.  In the early months at home he moaned for a while but he really didn't do that for his last months.  He never stopped progressing, he didn't sleep all the time (which seems a little amazing given his low oxygen saturation levels), and he usually smiled each day.  

I remembered this week that we stopped at a McDonald's restaurant with a play park on our way to the cottage to give Isaac a chance to use up some energy.  I may have used the term "play room" because he didn't want to go into the play park.  He thought I had meant that he was going to be able to play in the play room at Ronald McDonald House and he remembered a specific Snoopy toy that he wanted to play with.  He was quite disappointed.

I was standing and waiting somewhere this week and I was sort of in a conspicuous spot so I started looking in my bag to look like I was actually doing something.  I pulled out a receipt and found that it was dated exactly one year earlier.  It was a Tim Horton's receipt from SickKids.  There are so many reminders.  Even things like Starbucks Treat Receipt and Word on the Street remind me of being at SickKids.  I'm sure Thanksgiving will remind me being there. 

There is one activity that both Graham and I find challenging as it relates to Josiah.  It's actually surprising to both of us.  Any guesses?  It's grocery shopping.  We usually shop at a grocery store that has clothes and all sorts of things.  I say to myself, "I would have bought him that - he would look great in it." or "He'll never grow to be that big."  I see the diapers I would have bought him and I very much dislike seeing the drinkable yogurt that I only bought for him (thank You Lord that he learned to drink it).  I'll never be able to hear Josiah ask me for a treat and buy him a chocolate bar.  I think when I would go to the grocery store I would think about my boys a lot and what they would like and what I could get them and how I could treat them.  Also, for me it was quite normal to be at the grocery store without Josiah who was either with his nurse or Daddy.  I would go home and ask Graham, "How was Josiah?  Did he wake up?  Did you start his feed yet?  Thanks for washing the syringes."  This is the one place right now which is challenging - so, in a way it's nice to have a place that helps me to miss Josiah and feel something.  I can't avoid these feelings by cleaning up the grocery store.

I think I am avoiding these feelings at home by cleaning up.  Our home (the main floor) has never looked tidier.  I'm developing some good habits and that feels good.

I haven't responded to phone calls and emails.  Please don't take it personally.  At the moment I'm just enjoying hanging out with Isaac.  He tried finger painting this week.  Well, he started with a Popsicle stick on day 1 but he bravely used his hands and fingers on day 2.

A year ago this past week Josiah had his second and third surgeries.  Thank You Lord for getting him through those.

Thank you for your prayers.  We still need prayers for Graham's sleep and I actually had two nights with poor sleep as well.  Thankfully Isaac is sleeping really well.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 37:3-4
  Trust in the Lord and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Time to process

I'm getting out of practice.  Graham actually reminded me that it was the night to post.

Looking back at the week I see I've been quite successful at keeping myself busier than I should be if I want to spend time processing Josiah's death.  I made a couple of new recipes, I tidied up and took a number of things to the Salvation Army thrift store, I read some blogs and sometimes slept when Isaac slept.  I read.  I thought today that this is my chance to do things and have freedom that I haven't had for a while and won't have in the same way when the baby arrives.  Then I thought that this timing is probably a gift so that I do have time to process and grieve the best I can before the baby comes.  I need to prioritize what I do and at least spend some time each day just thinking about Josiah or writing about him or sitting in his room, etc.  It is very nice to have a tidier house though. 

We finally decided to become GPS owners.  My parents are to blame as they recently purchased one and they lent it to us for our holiday and I also used it this week to go somewhere.  So, I researched ratings and found the one we wanted on sale and purchased it.  It's so tempting to find ways to spend money (and there are always ways).  It's like I want to come up with a problem that I can then solve by buying something (this process keeps my mind occupied for some time and I start to think that I really need said item or that said item will really help us ... when I know full well that no item will change our life or solve the real issue and hidden ache - though the banana guard has proven to be a good purchase.)

Graham and I went out for dinner on Thursday night and then we painted the mugs we made on our anniversary at the pottery studio.  I should be able to pick them up next week.  I love the Indian restaurant in Guelph that we have now been to twice. 

This week I finally threw out the last syringes we used that final morning to give Josiah his meds.  Yes, it's a little ridiculous that it's taken me this long and also kind of gross.  We went to the cemetery tonight. The grass is mainly green again on Josiah's grave so it looks better.  Isaac likes to help Graham water it.  This is a photo that Graham took at the cemetery last week.  This evening I reread a number of the early July posts and the comments that people sent.  That helped me to cry a little tonight.  

Graham hasn't been sleeping well so we could use some prayer for that.  I've also had some discomfort in my left wrist and my left knee so I'm hoping it's short-term. 

Isaac is doing pretty well.  He tells me he's sad because Baby is in Heaven.  He also has a new water bottle because he bit through the soft top of his last cup.  He tells me twice a day (nap time and bed time) that he's sad because he wants his water cup.  He also says that he's happy that he has a new water bottle.  I've actually been wondering if his old cup is bad for his teeth so Mommy is also happy with his new water bottle. 

When we were on holiday we went out for breakfast one day.  When we were in the car driving away, Isaac said, "Chicks come from eggs.  We had eggs."  He is Mr. Observant.   

I almost forgot to write about Isaac's exciting trip yesterday.  He went on his first "City bus" with Daddy to his work and then he went to Daddy's office.  He was a little nervous about going on the bus but he was excited to tell me about it and he kept repeating the noise the bus makes when the doors open (he doesn't like loud noises).  This is a photo of Graham and Isaac before they got on the bus.  I drove and picked Isaac up. 

I just learned about a website that I'm hoping will help me be a much better Household Manager.  I'm afraid I'm not a good cleaner but I have high hopes that the daily task this website tells me to do will help me develop great new habits.  I'm writing this to try to stay accountable.  My sink is clean and I need to wipe it out every time I use it and put my dish drying rack away.  I'm good for Day 1.  Of course the big thing is trying to deal with the clutter but one day at a time.    

Thank you for your prayers! 

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 116:1-2
I love the Lord, because He has heard My voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

Josiah's Funeral and Photo Montage

We are deeply grateful to the following artists for permission to include their songs in our video photo montage as well as Josiah's funeral video.   

Video Photo Montage

JJ Heller - When I'm With You
Sara Groves - Open My Hands
Sara Groves - Hiding Place
Matt Redman - Never Once

Funeral Service

Vertical Church Band - Light Shine In
Matt Redman - Blessed Be Your Name
Keith & Kristyn Getty - In Christ Alone

Forever Reign
Words & Music by Jason Ingram & Reuben Morgan
c 2009 Hillsong Music Publishing & Sony ATV / Timber / West Main Music / Windsor Hill Music (SESAC).  All rights on behalf of Sony ATV/Timber, West Main Music and Windsor Hill Music admin. by Sony ATV.  All rights reserved.  Duration: 04:10 mins

YouTube Video

We played a Youtube video at the end of the funeral which includes the song Farther Along by Josh Garrells.  We have permission from Josh Garrells to use his song though we were not able to contact the person who created the video or the artist whose beautiful images are used (TSO Photography). 

Away at the cottage

Graham, Isaac, and I had a lovely week away.  A kind and generous woman from our church offered us the use of her cottage at a camp just outside of Cobourg.  It was the perfect place to relax and we all had a great time.  We didn't try to do too much so the week didn't seem rushed at all.

We were able to cry from time to time, usually in the evening.  I wished we had been able to say good-bye to Josiah while he was still with us.  I know we said a few good-byes at different times but we weren't expecting this and he was gone before we realized what was happening.  I also realized that we're making lots of new memories that won't include Josiah and so many things he was never able to do.

One day on the way to the playground Isaac said, "When Baby grows and is my age, he'll run after me."  He said he was talking about Baby Josiah.  He said that in Heaven we'll all be his age of two and a half years (Isaac, Josiah, Daddy, and Mommy) and we'll all run around after each other and tickle each other.  He said we would all be laughing together in Heaven and he told me a couple of times that Jesus would be laughing too.  That sounds good to me.  On a drive, Isaac said that Baby would cry for me in Heaven but I explained that he wouldn't cry in Heaven as he is always happy because he is with Jesus. 

I was also reminded this past week again of how incredibly blessed we were to have Josiah for almost 15 months and to be able to enjoy him.  It will be a great reunion.

We didn't have wi-fi so it wasn't until Friday when we were in a restaurant with wi-fi that we checked our email and I learned that Baby Ava passed away on the Thursday.  She had been waiting for a heart at SickKids Hospital.  I was so sad to read the news.  She is with Jesus.  I pray for her family.

I keep noticing new headstones at the cemetery and yesterday we saw a new grave right by Josiah's grave.  It's a reminder that so many people experience loss and grief.

We received all the permissions we need to post the funeral video but we need to write out all the names of the artists and songs so we just need to get around to doing that one of these days.  It should happen this week.

Thank you for your prayers.  I wish I felt the pain deeper but I think that will come in time.

Graham looked up this song tonight that I haven't heard for some time:  Going Home sung by by Sara Groves.




Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 136:1
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.
His love endures forever.

Random memories

I thought it would be hard not to blog but it hasn't been.  I have spent a little more time just 'being' and sitting in Josiah's room and looking at his photos.  I have been able to cry a little more.  I'm still fighting it though.  I still check Google News a lot as a time waster unfortunately.

I'm writing from Listowel where we're spending the weekend with Graham's parents.  It was nice to relax at their property today.  Grandpa F. showed Isaac a bird's nest with five eggs in it.

Last Sunday I told Isaac that I was going to stay home from church as I wanted to spend time alone with God and cry because I missed Josiah.  He gave me a hug and said, "You don't need to cry Mommy."  We talked about how crying is good.  Isaac regularly brings up Josiah.  He wanted to go the hospital this week "to see Baby".  

You may remember long ago that I wrote about a little girl named Aleeda who was waiting for a heart when we were at SickKids.  She waited for over a year at SickKids and I recently learned that she received her heart on August 2.  She needs prayer.  I've also told you that I'm praying for Ava who also needs a new heart.  She was doing better since I last wrote about her but she's going up and down.

I wrote this yesterday: 
You are a million miles away and every day that distance grows further.  I look at your photos and you are static.  You were never static.  I want to see you but that's not you - it was a moment caught in time and space that I can never return to.  I both want and don't want to look at photos.  That's not true.  I do want to look at your photos it's just that looking doesn't help at all.  I want to see your face though.  I read that I may lose my memories of you and that my memories will be based on photos.  That's sad.  Here's a list of some random memories:

The few times it felt like your arms around Mommy's neck were actually hugging me.   You looked up at me during your last week when I came to your doorway and you gave me a huge smile - I think that's the only time  I remember it happening quite like that.  The way you were such a "prince" - you would not take lightly anyone saying 'no' to you; you let us know your deep displeasure without delay.  The last NG tube insertion went really really well and you hardly cried.  The first time we walked in on you and discovered you'd pulled out your NG tube in the middle of the night - you were proud.  Throwing up the muslin blanket and letting it fall onto your face and then pulling it off - you laughed and laughed.  Those times when I could tickle you and you'd laugh and laugh.  The times when you were on your mat beside your brother or watching the DVD with your brother beside you in the crib.  Your progress eating and drinking.  The way you crunched your fake Cheesies.  Your laughter at the pig noise that one day or at the noise from that red tube the other day.  Watching you sit on the chair in the living room and play on the toy piano.   

Way back before your trip to SickKids, I remember taking you and your brother in the two-seat stroller to the library.  A lot of the memories involve visits to doctors and hospitals.  It was nice that you made it to both sets of grandparents' homes since your return from SickKids.  I wish you were here. 

When Graham prays with Isaac and me before he leaves for work each morning he asks Jesus to say hi to Baby Josiah for us and Isaac and I often ask Jesus to do various things with Josiah on our behalf (such as kisses and tickles). 

Isaac loves corn on the cob

Graham is on vacation - yeay!  He'll be off all next week. If we're away next weekend, I may not be able to blog until the following Monday. 

We are going to try to post a link to the funeral video shortly.

Thanks so much for your prayers! 

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 9:9-10
The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed,
A refuge in times of trouble.  And those who know Your name will put their trust in You;
For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.

Signing off

It was a good day.  Isaac and I spent time outside this morning while Graham had some down time.  I purposely did not take a book outside with me and I just sat while Isaac played in the sandbox.  The weather worked out perfectly for an outside lunch and then we all had an afternoon nap.  My brother and his family drove down from near Ottawa today so the whole family met at a park and had a picnic supper. 

I was thinking more about what the counselor said yesterday.  I was remembering that my best cry since Josiah passed away was after returning home from trying to figure out what Josiah should wear in the casket.  This didn't fit into my planning head.  I needed to have Josiah there so that I could try on three outfits and see what I liked best but of course that wasn't going to happen.  Months ago I'd thought about it and wanted him to wear a sweater but then that didn't seem right in July.  I couldn't get my head around this and the tears spilled out.  It's interesting to think about how my mind is working. 

For some reason I said, "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin," to Isaac at breakfast time which led to a retelling of The Three Little Pigs.  After I said that the straw and stick houses were blown down, Isaac told me that they must have been built on the sand (in reference to the song and Bible parable about the foolish man who built his house on the sand and when the rain came it fell down). 

One year ago on this Saturday in August was the last time I nursed Josiah.  He had been extubated the day before and I nursed him three times on Saturday.  He was moved from CCCU to the ward and then he had a bad episode and was returned to the CCCU where he was intubated and remained so until a while after his three surgeries.  We thank God for all he saw our family through.

Isaac having tea at Grandma's house last week

I think I'm going to try to be brave and not blog until next Saturday night in order to try to 'do less' as per the counselor's recommendation.  Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

 Romans 8:31-32
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?

Task-oriented defense

Tonight was very eye opening.  Both Graham and I found it helpful.  Unfortunately the counsellor didn't have a chisel to break down my stone walls but I think I understand more of what's been happening inside me and that feels good (I didn't actually expect a chisel).  I've included a number of my notes below.  The theory that seems to fit is that I cope with things by being task-oriented.  I feel okay when I focus on doing something and don't focus on how I'm feeling.  Even though my mind says I want to grieve, usually task-oriented people do not want to deal with the pain and I fear it will ambush me so I don't give it attention.  I use the rational and analytical part of my brain and don't use the emotional part.  I focus on the pain of others so I don't have to focus on mine.  This is a normal coping style that works well in a crisis and emergency rooms and the military, etc.  It worked well for the long-term care of Josiah in and out of the hospital.

However, once one decides to inhibit their feelings, one can't just choose to switch them on again.  My feelings are there but I've temporarily blocked access to them; there's a roadblock between my feeling self and my intellectual self.  The more I try to generate feelings of grief, the more I'm functioning from my cortex (rational part of the brain).  For my grief to be consciously accessible, my mind must be convinced that I can handle it. 

The expectation is that as time passes, I will sense that I have the capacity to face this and something will randomly happen (seeing something at a store for instance) to trigger my emotions.  He thought I would probably be alone.  I need to be patient and do less planning and analyzing.  I was laughing at this point, thinking of all the things I want to DO.  You may have noticed that I've been making a few recipes this week (three yesterday).  Just yesterday I'd thought, "Why don't I pick a new recipe every day, Monday to Friday?"  I was excited about all that I was going to accomplish.  He thought this was a clear sign that there's lots of pain and feeling in me and I'm working harder to block it.  I thought back to the first thing I did after Josiah passed away - I asked for the adhesive remover to remove his tapes - yes, I wanted to get rid of his tubes but perhaps I was also distracting myself from the unimaginable by doing something.

One interesting thing is that I found last Sunday morning at home helpful.  On Sundays I'm naturally not very task-oriented because that's not how we want to celebrate our Sabbath.  Being alone means that I'm also free from the needs of others so it's easier to just 'be'. 

This may all sound ridiculous to you but it resonated with me and it also gives me hope and a strategy.  Both of the grief books I've been reading discuss 'serving' others as a good response to grief so I ran that by the counsellor but it doesn't seem like now is the time for that as it would be another to-do for me.  I need to try to provide opportunities for the feelings to come out and when they do, express them to Jesus and allow Him to bring healing.

Of course one question is whether or not I can figure out how to trim the to-do list.  I'll obviously keep cooking meals but probably not a new recipe each day, though it's very tempting.  I also think I may need to start blogging just once a week.  I didn't ask his opinion about this.  On the one hand it's clearly a task that takes quite a bit of time but I'm sure it's also therapeutic for me and I don't want to mess with therapy.  I even have lists of things I want to add to the blog!  There are always a few lists.  Maybe Saturday nights will be my time to blog.

It's time to go to sleep.  It was nice to have a visit with my sister-in-law this afternoon.  Isaac was excited to go to their house to spend time with his aunt, uncle, and cousins.  We picked him up after the session.  We have been having new potty issues with Isaac that are a little disheartening.  I picked up some Smarties today so I'm hoping that might help get him back on track with going to the potty.  We think it has to do with Josiah.

I did have a little time all by myself today.  I was able to cry a little but not with the pain of missing Josiah.  It was remembering and realizing and articulating that I watched my son suffer so much and yet it barely affected me.  I didn't feel the pain of Josiah's three heart surgeries and all the horrible aftermath that goes along with it.  My coping strategy worked well and it served a purpose.  We didn't know how long any of this journey would be.  Yes, God gives peace but I think He wants us to go through grief when we must say goodbye to one we love.  

I was thinking back to the few times that I "lost it" at the hospital and trying to remember the context.  Once was when I was told that I couldn't see him.  I knew he was fine and that something was happening in the room with another patient but it was just completely unexpected at that point and I hadn't planned and prepared for it so it completely threw me off.  Another time I actually started writing a list of my great suggestions for improvements after Josiah was moved rooms without telling me - it came out of nowhere.  It happened again when he was moved from Step-down to his own room and our plans didn't work out.  In each of these situations Josiah was fine.  The human brain is amazing. 

Thanks so much for your prayers!  We'll go to see the counselor again near the end of August.    

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 16:11
You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

August

It's August - a new month.  Josiah was alive in July but never again in August. 

Isaac was my helper today.  He helped me at the grocery store and then he helped me make two things in the kitchen.  Isaac was excited to hold onto the side of the grocery cart and have a ride.  I decided there were bigger things in life to (not) worry about and thankfully he didn't fall down and hit his head.  He's not a fan of loud noises so I warn him every time I use the hand beater. 

I found a recipe I had cut out of a paper years ago so I decided to make it.  Usually I just cut out the recipes and never make them.  It was for Spinach Butter Chicken but it didn't include much butter and had four cups of fresh spinach and a cup of yogurt.  My extra coolness today came from me buying ground cardamom and turmeric (I didn't need the turmeric but I thought it would be good to have on hand).  Just a note - if you need ground cardamom be sure to check the "ethnic food aisle" (for lack of a better title) as it was a lot cheaper than in the regular spice section.  I liked the dinner though I think there was one mistake in the recipe.

I was thinking today what an incredible blessing it is to have an adorable little boy who give cuddles.  I love Isaac's cuddles.  The last three nights including tonight he's woken up around 10:00 crying.  It doesn't usually take a lot to get him back to sleep but it would be nice if his sleep were not disturbed.

I don't feel guilty for not feeling the grief.  I understand there's healing in tears and  I want to feel the pain and miss him desperately.  I think perhaps I've needed to hold it together for so long and I don't need to now (not to the same extent) but I don't know how to let it go.  It reminds me of being in labour with Isaac.  I was in so much back and thigh pain because he was transverse and our lovely nurse told me to release and not stay tense - I had no clue how to release - I should have read a few more books).  I don't know how to release ... but God knows how to help me release and I'm hoping He'll use the counsellor to help me do that.

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 119:114

You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in Your word.