August

It's August - a new month.  Josiah was alive in July but never again in August. 

Isaac was my helper today.  He helped me at the grocery store and then he helped me make two things in the kitchen.  Isaac was excited to hold onto the side of the grocery cart and have a ride.  I decided there were bigger things in life to (not) worry about and thankfully he didn't fall down and hit his head.  He's not a fan of loud noises so I warn him every time I use the hand beater. 

I found a recipe I had cut out of a paper years ago so I decided to make it.  Usually I just cut out the recipes and never make them.  It was for Spinach Butter Chicken but it didn't include much butter and had four cups of fresh spinach and a cup of yogurt.  My extra coolness today came from me buying ground cardamom and turmeric (I didn't need the turmeric but I thought it would be good to have on hand).  Just a note - if you need ground cardamom be sure to check the "ethnic food aisle" (for lack of a better title) as it was a lot cheaper than in the regular spice section.  I liked the dinner though I think there was one mistake in the recipe.

I was thinking today what an incredible blessing it is to have an adorable little boy who give cuddles.  I love Isaac's cuddles.  The last three nights including tonight he's woken up around 10:00 crying.  It doesn't usually take a lot to get him back to sleep but it would be nice if his sleep were not disturbed.

I don't feel guilty for not feeling the grief.  I understand there's healing in tears and  I want to feel the pain and miss him desperately.  I think perhaps I've needed to hold it together for so long and I don't need to now (not to the same extent) but I don't know how to let it go.  It reminds me of being in labour with Isaac.  I was in so much back and thigh pain because he was transverse and our lovely nurse told me to release and not stay tense - I had no clue how to release - I should have read a few more books).  I don't know how to release ... but God knows how to help me release and I'm hoping He'll use the counsellor to help me do that.

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 119:114

You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in Your word.