Friday, 2 August 2013

Task-oriented defense

Tonight was very eye opening.  Both Graham and I found it helpful.  Unfortunately the counsellor didn't have a chisel to break down my stone walls but I think I understand more of what's been happening inside me and that feels good (I didn't actually expect a chisel).  I've included a number of my notes below.  The theory that seems to fit is that I cope with things by being task-oriented.  I feel okay when I focus on doing something and don't focus on how I'm feeling.  Even though my mind says I want to grieve, usually task-oriented people do not want to deal with the pain and I fear it will ambush me so I don't give it attention.  I use the rational and analytical part of my brain and don't use the emotional part.  I focus on the pain of others so I don't have to focus on mine.  This is a normal coping style that works well in a crisis and emergency rooms and the military, etc.  It worked well for the long-term care of Josiah in and out of the hospital.

However, once one decides to inhibit their feelings, one can't just choose to switch them on again.  My feelings are there but I've temporarily blocked access to them; there's a roadblock between my feeling self and my intellectual self.  The more I try to generate feelings of grief, the more I'm functioning from my cortex (rational part of the brain).  For my grief to be consciously accessible, my mind must be convinced that I can handle it. 

The expectation is that as time passes, I will sense that I have the capacity to face this and something will randomly happen (seeing something at a store for instance) to trigger my emotions.  He thought I would probably be alone.  I need to be patient and do less planning and analyzing.  I was laughing at this point, thinking of all the things I want to DO.  You may have noticed that I've been making a few recipes this week (three yesterday).  Just yesterday I'd thought, "Why don't I pick a new recipe every day, Monday to Friday?"  I was excited about all that I was going to accomplish.  He thought this was a clear sign that there's lots of pain and feeling in me and I'm working harder to block it.  I thought back to the first thing I did after Josiah passed away - I asked for the adhesive remover to remove his tapes - yes, I wanted to get rid of his tubes but perhaps I was also distracting myself from the unimaginable by doing something.

One interesting thing is that I found last Sunday morning at home helpful.  On Sundays I'm naturally not very task-oriented because that's not how we want to celebrate our Sabbath.  Being alone means that I'm also free from the needs of others so it's easier to just 'be'. 

This may all sound ridiculous to you but it resonated with me and it also gives me hope and a strategy.  Both of the grief books I've been reading discuss 'serving' others as a good response to grief so I ran that by the counsellor but it doesn't seem like now is the time for that as it would be another to-do for me.  I need to try to provide opportunities for the feelings to come out and when they do, express them to Jesus and allow Him to bring healing.

Of course one question is whether or not I can figure out how to trim the to-do list.  I'll obviously keep cooking meals but probably not a new recipe each day, though it's very tempting.  I also think I may need to start blogging just once a week.  I didn't ask his opinion about this.  On the one hand it's clearly a task that takes quite a bit of time but I'm sure it's also therapeutic for me and I don't want to mess with therapy.  I even have lists of things I want to add to the blog!  There are always a few lists.  Maybe Saturday nights will be my time to blog.

It's time to go to sleep.  It was nice to have a visit with my sister-in-law this afternoon.  Isaac was excited to go to their house to spend time with his aunt, uncle, and cousins.  We picked him up after the session.  We have been having new potty issues with Isaac that are a little disheartening.  I picked up some Smarties today so I'm hoping that might help get him back on track with going to the potty.  We think it has to do with Josiah.

I did have a little time all by myself today.  I was able to cry a little but not with the pain of missing Josiah.  It was remembering and realizing and articulating that I watched my son suffer so much and yet it barely affected me.  I didn't feel the pain of Josiah's three heart surgeries and all the horrible aftermath that goes along with it.  My coping strategy worked well and it served a purpose.  We didn't know how long any of this journey would be.  Yes, God gives peace but I think He wants us to go through grief when we must say goodbye to one we love.  

I was thinking back to the few times that I "lost it" at the hospital and trying to remember the context.  Once was when I was told that I couldn't see him.  I knew he was fine and that something was happening in the room with another patient but it was just completely unexpected at that point and I hadn't planned and prepared for it so it completely threw me off.  Another time I actually started writing a list of my great suggestions for improvements after Josiah was moved rooms without telling me - it came out of nowhere.  It happened again when he was moved from Step-down to his own room and our plans didn't work out.  In each of these situations Josiah was fine.  The human brain is amazing. 

Thanks so much for your prayers!  We'll go to see the counselor again near the end of August.    

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 16:11
You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

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