Random memories

I thought it would be hard not to blog but it hasn't been.  I have spent a little more time just 'being' and sitting in Josiah's room and looking at his photos.  I have been able to cry a little more.  I'm still fighting it though.  I still check Google News a lot as a time waster unfortunately.

I'm writing from Listowel where we're spending the weekend with Graham's parents.  It was nice to relax at their property today.  Grandpa F. showed Isaac a bird's nest with five eggs in it.

Last Sunday I told Isaac that I was going to stay home from church as I wanted to spend time alone with God and cry because I missed Josiah.  He gave me a hug and said, "You don't need to cry Mommy."  We talked about how crying is good.  Isaac regularly brings up Josiah.  He wanted to go the hospital this week "to see Baby".  

You may remember long ago that I wrote about a little girl named Aleeda who was waiting for a heart when we were at SickKids.  She waited for over a year at SickKids and I recently learned that she received her heart on August 2.  She needs prayer.  I've also told you that I'm praying for Ava who also needs a new heart.  She was doing better since I last wrote about her but she's going up and down.

I wrote this yesterday: 
You are a million miles away and every day that distance grows further.  I look at your photos and you are static.  You were never static.  I want to see you but that's not you - it was a moment caught in time and space that I can never return to.  I both want and don't want to look at photos.  That's not true.  I do want to look at your photos it's just that looking doesn't help at all.  I want to see your face though.  I read that I may lose my memories of you and that my memories will be based on photos.  That's sad.  Here's a list of some random memories:

The few times it felt like your arms around Mommy's neck were actually hugging me.   You looked up at me during your last week when I came to your doorway and you gave me a huge smile - I think that's the only time  I remember it happening quite like that.  The way you were such a "prince" - you would not take lightly anyone saying 'no' to you; you let us know your deep displeasure without delay.  The last NG tube insertion went really really well and you hardly cried.  The first time we walked in on you and discovered you'd pulled out your NG tube in the middle of the night - you were proud.  Throwing up the muslin blanket and letting it fall onto your face and then pulling it off - you laughed and laughed.  Those times when I could tickle you and you'd laugh and laugh.  The times when you were on your mat beside your brother or watching the DVD with your brother beside you in the crib.  Your progress eating and drinking.  The way you crunched your fake Cheesies.  Your laughter at the pig noise that one day or at the noise from that red tube the other day.  Watching you sit on the chair in the living room and play on the toy piano.   

Way back before your trip to SickKids, I remember taking you and your brother in the two-seat stroller to the library.  A lot of the memories involve visits to doctors and hospitals.  It was nice that you made it to both sets of grandparents' homes since your return from SickKids.  I wish you were here. 

When Graham prays with Isaac and me before he leaves for work each morning he asks Jesus to say hi to Baby Josiah for us and Isaac and I often ask Jesus to do various things with Josiah on our behalf (such as kisses and tickles). 

Isaac loves corn on the cob

Graham is on vacation - yeay!  He'll be off all next week. If we're away next weekend, I may not be able to blog until the following Monday. 

We are going to try to post a link to the funeral video shortly.

Thanks so much for your prayers! 

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 9:9-10
The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed,
A refuge in times of trouble.  And those who know Your name will put their trust in You;
For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.