Kohen's Dedication

Happy Victoria Day!  It's been a lovely day and a great weekend.  My brother's family who lives near Ottawa all made the trek to Kitchener on Friday evening.  The whole family celebrated my mom's birthday on Saturday and yesterday we celebrated Kohen's dedication to the Lord.  It was wonderful to spend time with family and friends.

Graham has written out a blessing for each of our boys to bless them on their dedication day.  We spoke these blessings over Kohen in the afternoon.  In the church where I grew up, the parents were always asked a set of questions pertaining to how they will raise their child (for example, "Do you commit yourselves to teach and influence your child for Christ both by word and example?") so my dad also asks us these questions during our home ceremony.  The questions were a good challenge and a reminder of the importance of our commitment.  I tell Isaac that the most important thing to us is that he knows, loves, and serves Jesus.    

My birthday was this past week.  I asked God for the gift of tears.  I did get a few.  I worked on designing Josiah's headstone in the afternoon and I wanted to go to the cemetery in the evening.  I did let Graham buy me a drink from Starbucks on the way home.  I watched most of the funeral again in the evening, although even that didn't elicit tears.  I think my favourite part is getting the funeral director to open up the casket during the service for Isaac's benefit. 

Graham liked Isaac's description of his tall dresser.  He said it's a "bunk bed for clothes."  If Isaac disobeys while getting ready for bed, the consequence is often losing one of his stories about Chippy and Skippy that Graham makes up.  One evening this past week Graham told Isaac that he'd lost a story and it was a really good one about Chippy and Skippy in a submarine.  Graham told me that Isaac then used great logic to convince him that it was actually a less interesting boat story that he had lost and not in fact the exciting submarine story.

Isaac was playing with a truck this week in which he placed a toy backpack in the windshield.  He told me it wasn't a backpack so I asked him what it was.  He thought to himself and then told me it was a JPS.  I asked if he meant a GPS and he agreed. 

Isaac was given a helium balloon this week while visiting his grandparents.  It blew out the back of their parked car and Isaac was just beside himself and couldn't stop crying.  My sweet boy told my mom that Josiah must have wanted the balloon (in heaven).  He wanted a hug when he returned home and he told me the story with new tears in his eyes.  My parents bought him a new balloon that says, "You're so special."

We received some great advice in a card written by friends.  They wrote, "We pray you would see yourselves the way God sees you - so completely precious, loved and the joy of his heart!  Parent with this confidence because its impact will sink deep into your children's lives ...."  We are blessed with great friends.

Thank you for your prayers.

Blessings,
Elizabeth

Exodus 14:13
And Moses said to the people, "Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD, which he will work for you today.  For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again.  The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."

In Toronto

We travelled to Toronto today for an event hosted by the Paediatric Advanced Care Team from SickKids.  We met with other bereaved families who had children cared for at SickKids who died in 2012 or 2013.  It was a good afternoon.  I think Isaac's favourite part was working with Graham to make a sick doll that he said was Baby Josiah.  He put a bandaid on his leg and some tape on his face "to hold his tubes."  He hugged the doll a number of times and put it in the stroller to sleep.  (He also threw it around.)

At the end of the day there was a balloon release.  Isaac told me to write the following on his note for the balloon: "Dear Josiah, I love you.  Thank you for staying here some days.  Why did you pass away?  Love, Isaac xoxoxo"

Kohen has his two-month doctor's visit and vaccinations this past week.  On Tuesday he weighed 12.872 pounds and was 25 inches long.  He's above the 95th percentile for height and at the 76th percentile for weight.      

It was McHappy Day at McDonalds on Wednesday.  Graham took Isaac.  Money from certain items on the menu goes to Ronald McDonald Houses.  Apparently there were lots of people when Graham went. 


I feel like I'm out of the newborn fog.  It helps that the nights are good. 

Graham was telling me how he was missing Josiah one day this week.  I wish I could/would have those feelings along with the pain and tears.  It's been a long time since I've cried. 

It's time to sleep.  Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,
Elizabeth

Psalm 68:19
Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation.

Happy May!

It seems a little more difficult to write a blog with Kohen around as he likes to be in my arms or nurse until late in the evenings.  However, he is no longer crying the entire time so we're making lots of progress!

For those who like to read my Saturday reports, I'm sorry for not getting to them the last couple of weeks.  I hope you all had a great Easter.  It was nice to celebrate Easter with family. 

Sometimes I think about what a mess I would be if anything happened to Isaac.  I think part of the reason that my grief hasn't been too heavy is that all of Josiah's life was a gift from God.  Of course, all of our lives are a gift from God but that was in the forefront of our minds with Josiah.  We knew it was a very real possibility that he could die shortly after he was born so to get to take him home after a week without interventions and then to have him home for three and a half months and then for him to make it through three heart surgeries and live at home for almost eight months after leaving the hospital (with a few times when we thought he would/could die) ... well, it was all a gift from our merciful heavenly Father.  We were able to see him smile and laugh and play.  We were able to give him our love.  We were able to make some good memories.  We are grateful.    

Isaac fell asleep colouring at the table

Mind you, I've also recently wondered about the ethics of asking for all possible medical interventions throughout his life.  Clearly, we had hope and we knew that God could save him.  This also meant that he suffered a lot.  I believe God will bring good out of Josiah's suffering.

The Bible tells Christians to expect to suffer.  We are to take up our cross and follow Jesus.  We are to consider the trials we face as "pure joy" (James 1:2).   We are to rejoice in our sufferings, knowing they produce endurance (Romans 5:3).  We are to know that our sufferings "are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us" (Romans 8:18). 

I've thought for many years that I'd like to one day take part in a Good Friday service that is meant to focus my thoughts on the suffering and death of Jesus.  My tradition doesn't practise Lent as a church body, though some would do so individually.  In my experience, we usually prefer to focus on the 'good' of Good Friday.  I'm not criticising that; we do know what the cross means and it is glorious and worth celebrating.  However, as someone who has a difficult time accessing my emotions, I think it would be helpful to have things in a service that might help trigger sadness and a greater understanding of the cross and what Jesus went through to save us and how I am called to live.  I think it would make Easter morning that much more glorious (emotionally, at least - it's not just the negative emotions that I have a hard time accessing.) 

The above paragraph sort of sounds like I want a church service to manipulate my emotions, which I'm usually against.  I think it's different when I'm asking for it for a specific purpose and I'm trying to get into a frame of mind.  Why do I want to feel sad?  I don't think it's to grieve Jesus' death because I know He's alive.  I think it's to try to realize the enormity of what Jesus went through and did to save me and to understand what it means to follow Jesus. 

My friend in the Coptic church talks about her Easter services with such incredible delight.  I need to review with her what happens in the services but I do remember that there's an all night service that includes reading the entire book of Revelations together.  A friend in a Lutheran church explained that it's not just the Good Friday service that is more solemn but the entire period of Lent.  So, just going to one service may not do what I'm hoping it will.  In reality, having a newborn baby is a little bit distracting regardless of what's going on in the service.  Actually, my favourite Good Friday service was at an Anglican church in Toronto.  The whole service was focused on the children - we actually spent part of the service outside and then up by the altar looking at the stained glass windows.  How lovely to have a whole service for the children.

I've found this newborn period challenging (it's much better now that there's less crying and some more sleep) so I decided to take out a book from the library that I enjoy reading.  I went through the Father Tim series a few years ago and recalled my enjoyment of it.  My head usually tells me that I need to read a good non-fiction book to learn and grow but often it's the fiction books that challenge me and in this case make me want to be more like Christ.  Anyway, my point is that there were a couple of quotations about Easter that I appreciated in this book:

"On Maundy Thursday he had truly experienced a deep and enriching mournfulness.  On Good Friday he fasted, and on Holy Saturday felt much the better for it in every way.  Easter morning dawned bright and clear.  'Dazzling to the senses!' said one parishioner.  ... the tremor of joy that one always hoped for on this high day was decidedly there" (At Home in Mitford, Page 33).

"The cold wind that blew in with flurries of snow on Maundy Thursday made the bare, stripped altar seem even more appalling to the spirit.  The congregation left the evening service, not speaking . . . .  Father Tim found this service the most dismal in church liturgy, but he also found it to be one of the most crucial.  The business of soaking up the joys of Easter without any consideration of the pain of the cross was spiritually risky business, at best.  On Sunday, the wind still blew, but the sun shone brightly.  And many of the parishioners at Lord's Chapel felt they had come, at last, through a dark tunnel into new life" (At Home in Mitford, Page 267).

It seems hard to imagine that the early church wanted to be mournful each anniversary of Jesus' death.  (I assume the Passover is a joyful celebration?)  However, they didn't need any help conjuring up thoughts of suffering and death on a cross.  That's not my experience in Canada in 2014.  One friend who gives up something for Lent told me that it helps her identify with Christ and focus on Him.  On the other hand, I also wonder if we really celebrate the way we should.  I'm not sure we appreciate how incredible the resurrection is.  The tomb was empty.  Jesus appeared to them - the Jesus whom they had just watched die.  That should blow me away - and result in delight. 

I hope I'm not offending anyone with my ramblings.  It's true that I'm full of critique but I don't think I'm judging others in a negative light (other than myself).  This is how my brain works.  

Isaac had his first dentist visit this week.  Graham took him.  Thankfully he liked the experience.  He was loaned sunglasses to wear and he was able to watch Sesame Street while they looked in his mouth.  Times have changed. 

I had a nice gift from God the other day.  I was nursing Kohen late one night and my eyes were closed but I could tell that the light on my iPod became brighter.  I opened my eyes and a Bible app was open for some unknown reason.  (I never used this app but I had tried to open it the day before and it didn't work.)  It was displaying the verse of the day which was one that I hadn't remembered:  "He will swallow up death forever, And the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces; The rebuke of His people He will take away from all the earth; For the Lord has spoken. (Isaiah 25:8).

Happy May!  Thank you for your prayers!


Blessings,

Elizabeth


Romans 8:11
But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.

Happy 2nd birthday Josiah!

Happy 2nd birthday Josiah!  (I wanted to write this on his actual birthday - the 13th - but Kohen wouldn't let me put him down until after midnight.

We had a good day together as a family.  Graham made us breakfast and later we went to the cemetery with a few flowers and balloons.  Isaac wanted to keep his balloon but we wrote messages on balloons from Graham, Kohen, and me and then released them.  In memory of Ronald McDonald House we picked up some food from McDonalds (I had a salad) and then Isaac put Smarties on the birthday cake I made which we ate for dessert.  I

asked Isaac what he would like to give to Josiah for his birthday if he were with us.  He said, "A new toy; a garbage truck."  Then I asked him what he missed most about Josiah.  He answered, "I just really miss - (pause while thinking) - him.  I hope he gets better soon."

Isaac told Graham that he'd had a dream in which Jesus was holding a nest.  In the nest there was a baby cardinal but the cardinal was blue.  This made me think of Josiah as he was a blue baby.  Hearing that dream was a nice little gift from God today.

I was hoping to feel some pain and cry today (yesterday) but I also knew that it probably wouldn't happen as I think I generally need to be alone to access my feelings (and/or find something else that's sad to cry about) and these days with Kohen I am rarely alone.  I'm also getting a little more sleep and my hormones are probably back to normal so I'm also less likely to cry.  It doesn't fail to amaze me that people seem surprised that I want to cry and that I believe I also "should" cry in the sense that it's good for me to do so and I'm able to access pain when I do so.  I believe the pain is there - it's just down deep.  The only response I can think of when people suggest that I shouldn't want to cry is to ask them to pretend they were in my shoes and didn't feel pain and didn't miss their child after he/she died. 

Last Monday a paediatrician clipped Kohen's tongue-tie.  He also had thrush in his mouth as well as a diaper rash from yeast so he was on gentian violet this week that made it look like he had been eating blueberries.  This is very messy stuff.  He's on probiotics now as well.  The nurse practitioner said he has yeast all through his system which would give him lots of gas.  The medicines and/or clipping seem to be helping him to be a little calmer in the evening.

Graham has incredible colleagues!  They went to SupperWorks this week and made us 12 meals!!! 

What an incredible blessing!  We'll have our first one tomorrow night.  I'm not going to use them on the weekends as we're both at home.  I'll space them out to use on the extra crazy days. 

We ordered the gravestone this week.  We'll be contacted in about a month to start working on the design.  I learned this week that no copyright is needed to put things on gravestones. 

Josiah's death certificate and Kohen's birth certificate arrived the same day. 

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 40:3
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
    and put their trust in the Lord.

One month old!

Kohen is one month old today.  He had his first visit to the library, though he slept the whole time.  The four of us walked there and back this afternoon.  Kohen visited the doctor on Friday and I'm happy to report that he is growing well. 

It was lovely to enjoy some nicer weather this week.  Isaac, Kohen and I searched for and found lots of ducks and mud puddles three days in a row.  I took the stroller out the first day but Kohen was in the wrap for the other walks.  I have a large coat that fits around both of us and keeps us warm. 

It's been a week of visitors.  We've enjoyed having friends and family over each day. 

Kohen seems to have decided that his main fussy period each day will be during the evening.  He seems to be able to calm down and have his last feed around 10:00 PM and then I can put him in his crib.  I had either forgotten about fussy periods or I blocked them out.  According to various websites, his fussiness will peak in a couple of weeks and then decrease until he's around three months old.  That's definitely something to be thankful for!  I don't think Josiah had the energy to sustain long fussy periods.  I do remember us taking turns in the evenings walking Isaac throughout the house when he was a small baby but in general I think he was easier.  

I have also been crying more and thinking about Josiah.  I needed Graham's handkerchief (I think I just this moment learned that this word has a 'd' in it) the last two Sundays.  There's usually a song that includes something about death or the resurrection that sets me off.  There's one that we played during Josiah's funeral that says, in Jesus, "death has lost its sting."  I like the song but I'm not so sure about the accuracy of this line.  Death has indeed lost its power because of what Jesus accomplished on the cross and in His resurrection, and we need not fear death, but death still has a sting and when I cry for my Josiah, I feel it. 

My thoughts have gone to the 'what ifs'.  What if we'd called 911 earlier?  I believe this was God's timing but I still need to let my brain process this and ask these questions.  I wonder when the moment was when he died.  When did he see Jesus?  They started CPR to keep his heart going in the ambulance so maybe that's when he "really" died.  To most it doesn't matter of course but I'd like to think (as most of my brain tells me) that he wouldn't have had any knowledge of all that went on in that ER room to try to save his life.  I wonder about his pain and his fear that morning.  We had no idea what was coming.  "What would I have said to you, Josiah, as I held and cuddled you in the chair if I'd known they would be my last words?  I sang songs to you.  I hope it brought you some comfort.  I'm sorry we didn't know."   

Usually each day, a character that Isaac makes up dies.  He talks about missing Josiah. 

I need to sleep, hopefully before Kohen wakes up, so I'll say goodnight.  Thanks so much for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Philippians 4:13
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.  [I need this reminder these days!]

A crummy snack

Peaceful in his wrap

God bless the makers of the Sleepy Wrap (now called the Boba Wrap).  It's been very helpful with calming Kohen when he's upset.  I remember Josiah really liking it as well.  Thankfully, Kohen has seemed to be a little less fussy the last few days and I've also been better able to deal with the crying/screaming when it does happen.  Those two things may well be related.

I was hoping Kohen would skip the baby acne but it arrived a couple of days ago.

We went to the headstone showroom this morning.  Isaac picked out his favourite one as well as the ones he said were the favourites of Kohen and Josiah.  We're hoping to pick the size and shape this week so that the stone can be ordered.  The cemetery would pour the cement base at the end of May and then we'd like to have the headstone in the ground for the anniversary of Josiah's death on July 6.  I think having a headstone will be good in terms of helping me to face the reality of Josiah's death.  It will also just be nice to have a marker of where his "body" lies.

Helping to measure

I ordered Kohen's birth certificate and social insurance number this week and then I ordered Josiah's death certificate.  It's so nice that all of this can be done fairly quickly and easily online. 

Isaac told me this week that Chippy and Skippy (a chipmunk and a squirrel - two characters from Graham's stories) went to heaven and visited Bingo Bob (a bear that Isaac said died) and then came back.  He said that Bingo Bob used to have tubes in his nose but now he doesn't in heaven.  We both thought it would be nice if we were able to visit Josiah in heaven. 

Isaac asked for a snack yesterday so I gave him all his options (all of which were healthy).  He then told me, "I want something crummy."  He specified that this could be a muffin.  I didn't have any muffins.  A little later he said, "I want something sugary."  I told him that apples have a lot of sugar but he didn't want an apple. 

Isaac's ship - I love the symmetry!

Thank you for your prayers!  We're looking forward to being in church tomorrow.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Romans 3:23-24
... for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, ²⁴ and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, ...

His grace is sufficient!

We were away in Listowel for the weekend so I didn't blog.  It was so nice to see one of Graham's brothers from B.C. and to celebrate Graham's mom's birthday.  Thankfully Kohen slept through his first church sermon, which meant that I could listen.  I'm also thankful that he slept more quietly in church in my arms than he did in his bassinet at night.  At home he sleeps in his crib in his own room at night so this was the first time we slept in the same room.  He is one noisy sleeper!

I've been contemplating this blog post and wondering what words will allow me to be honest, positive, thankful, real (somewhat vulnerable), and not sound like I'm complaining or whining.  That is what I am attempting to do: 

I find this period challenging and hard.  I remember hearing that one of Graham's aunts wished that children started out at the age of 2 (or something like that).  That was so reassuring to hear.  God bless her!  She is a wonderful, godly woman with wonderful children so it must also be okay that this "crying, fussing, eating a lot and not wanting to be put down" stage is not my favourite either. 

In my first year of university I actually went to the first meeting of the Juggling Club.   I could juggle three balls (for a few seconds) so I thought it would be fun to improve my limited skills.  I can't remember if I went to another practice but I must have realized early on that I was not destined to be a great juggler.  I may actually juggle balls better than I do kids and life.  Graham and I sometimes refer to a few friends as "big plate" people.  They just accomplish a lot.  We think of ourselves as "small plate" people.  This isn't meant to be a negative label and I don't think we limit ourselves or our choices with it, it's just a way to describe who we think we are.  Whatever size our plates are, we obviously need to do what God calls us to do. 

We are so thankful for Isaac and Kohen and we wish every day that Josiah was here.  We knew this transition would be tough for us just because of what a new baby brings (not because it's harder than what others are going through ... and in reality, many people, especially those with other personalities, may not find this very tough at all).  This is just a season and it will pass and God will give us the strength we need.  The fact that I'm able to type this means that Kohen is sleeping peacefully in his crib.  He slept last night from 11:00 PM to 6:15 AM this morning.  Let's just say he tuckered himself out before 11:00 PM. 

I'm considering removing dairy from my diet for a few weeks to see if that will help.  I'm addicted to milk but it would be worth it if it helped.  We also wonder if there's any reflux going on.  Josiah had it (as many heart babies do) and it was stressful.  Many of Kohen's feeds are fine but then there are others in which he keeps coming off of me and crying/screaming.  The thought of being anywhere except in my own or someone else's home when this happens is not a great thought.  I'm a homebody so it's not hard to stay home but it's probably not the best thing for Isaac - though I praise God for his demeanour; he's so good at playing with his Lego and Thomas the tank trains and loves to lie down and look at his books.  He has also told me that babies cry a lot and lets me know when he thinks Kohen needs milk.

Isaac's been telling us that he wishes Josiah were here and wishes he didn't die.  He wants to go back to the "hospital where Josiah was dying" so that he can play with the toys (he's referring to the play room at Sick Kids).  He often tells me that such and such an animal or train has a child or friend or parents that have died.  He says he doesn't want to go to heaven and asked me today if God would bring him back to his house (if he went to heaven).  It's sad that he has to try to process all of this at this age.   

Isaac told me this week that when he was at the farm, "Mr. E. turned off the lights and then all the chicks sang 'Jesus Loves Me.'"  We do want to work on him telling the truth but I thought that story was pretty cute.  He has recently been saying, "I'm kind of sick." when he doesn't want to eat more of his meal (or wants to skip to dessert) so hence the need to focus on truth telling.  

This week the doorbell rang in the early afternoon.  I went to the door and there was a young women holding a casserole.  I invited her inside and then said, "Should I know you because I don't recognize you?"  As it turns out, her husband came to the door about three weeks earlier to collect for the Heart & Stroke Foundation.  I was three days from my due-date and obviously pregnant so he asked which number of child this would be which led to a conversation that included Josiah and heaven and he asked if we were Christians and I found out that he and his family attend a nearby church and they live on our street, down the hill and around the corner.  So, this lovely family (strangers) made us a delicious casserole and some yummy muffins!  What a lovely gift from God to be blessed by strangers!  We have certainly been blessed by family and friends as well!

My grand discovery is microfleece bed sheets!  Does everyone know about them?!  I LOVE hot water bottles in the bed - especially after returning from nursing Kohen in the middle of the night.  They make my feet very happy.  However, this weekend I slept in microfleece sheets and they were warm all the time - and so soft and comfortable.  I am excited about this discovery!

Thanks for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.