Tickle his toes

It was one year ago today on July 31st that Josiah woke up crying and wouldn't stop.  I rushed him to the hospital where he ended up being intubated and then a team from SickKids came and transported us back.  We had no idea we'd be there until November 22.  God is so faithful.  He has guided us through this year.

We're going to meet the counsellor late Friday afternoon.  I would love it if he had a key to unlock my tears, heartache, and pain.  I've been reading other people's stories though and one mother really didn't start to mourn until nine months had passed. 

Isaac told me he was sad about Josiah today.  I asked him what he would like to do with Josiah if he were here.  He said he would tickle Josiah's toes and he told me that's what Daddy would want to do too.  Thus, we asked God to tickle Josiah for Isaac and Graham and to hold him for Mommy and we blew kisses to heaven, assuming God would direct them to Josiah. 

If one has cilantro and mint in the house, one really shouldn't miss the chance to make laab gai.  This may in fact be my favourite salad.  I first ate it in Chiang Mai, Thailand.  I do feel extra cool when I grind my chicken breasts in the food processor.  Unfortunately I don't know the difference between a green unripe papaya and a green ripe papaya so we couldn't have som tam (it takes an unripe papaya) and the recipe I found on Google for sticky rice in our rice cooker didn't match its advertising but ... the laab gai was quite tasty.

I had my first fresh peach of the season and it was delicious and juicy.   

Isaac was quite sad at lunch time.  We had decided we would eat our lunch outside but as soon as I stepped outside the rain started ... and so did Isaac's tears when I let him know our plans had changed. 

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 59:16
But I will sing of Your power;
Yes, I will sing aloud of Your mercy in the morning;
For You have been my defense
And refuge in the day of my trouble.

Extra marks

Wearing Daddy's shoes

There's not much to report ... except that I made a complete dinner all by myself tonight so that was exciting.  It even included roasted vegetables (only slightly overdone) and what may be my favourite salad - quinoa, beans, and vegetables mixed with lemon juice, olive oil, cumin, fresh mint and cilantro and a few other ingredients.  Delicious.  I actually just went and had some as I started to write this.  I could eat the whole bowl.  On a good day I give myself extra marks for cutting up lots of vegetables - I'm a little ridiculous.  I'm afraid salads usually seem like a lot of work to me. 

Isaac and I enjoyed the library program this morning.  Tomorrow Josiah's visiting nurse is coming as I asked if she would take our leftover supplies and Josiah's chart.  Isaac's volunteer will also come.  I think next week will probably be her last week as the following week we'll be on vacation.  She's been such a blessing.

We almost have all of the approvals for the music we used in the funeral.  One place is fine with us using it but wants us to sign an agreement so we're waiting for that.  That place only has 50% of the licensing so we're waiting to hear back from the other place. 

I've been feeling better and thankfully Isaac went to sleep better tonight. 

In other exciting news - I finally purchased a banana guard as Graham usually takes a banana to work.  Awesome. 

Thanks so much for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 18:19
He also brought me out into a broad place;
He delivered me because He delighted in me.

Sorting papers

It's getting late but I've been able to sort out quite a few of the papers that have been sitting around here driving me a little crazy. 

Isaac didn't get to sleep tonight until 9:20 after I sang him to sleep.  I'd left him crying earlier because nothing I did was making any difference but thankfully his daddy had compassion.  When I went in he stopped crying and shortly thereafter said, "I didn't want Baby to die."  He's spoken a couple of times now about Baby coming back.  I've explained that Baby won't come back.  Actually, I tried to explain a little of what it talks about in 1 Thessalonians 4 but I think it went over his head because he told me he didn't want that to happen.

Isaac and I went on our adventure this morning and saw a rabbit, a blue jay, a squirrel, and a number of ducks.  Isaac enjoyed picking some flowers.

Matt Hammitt's Trust:

 

Thanks so much for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Revelation 21:4
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Home Alone

Isaac and Graham went to church this morning and I stayed home, tired and feeling blah.  I think the blah and icky feelings are due to the pregnancy.  My stomach often feels like I shouldn't eat but then I always feel better after I eat something.  I'm not used to any pregnancy symptoms apart from tiredness but I'm thankful that mine are minor.

It was nice to be home alone.  I started a new grief book that a friend left for me.  It's very good.  I was able to cry a little this morning while reading it.

While visiting tonight, I happened to mention the name of the counsellor whom I think we may go and see.  The woman to whom I was speaking became so excited and said he was wonderful and she'd had him as a prof.  That was a nice little God-gift to hear that.  

It was nice to chat with a friend on the phone tonight.  

Isaac woke up early from his nap today and cried in my arms for a long time.  It's easy for me to hold him and rock him and try to comfort him, telling him that I love him and it will be alright -  but I wish my heart also broke as I held him or that I could cry with him as well.  I don't feel anything when it happens, even though I think he's crying for his brother. 

Here's Matt Hammitt's All of Me:

I'm tired.  Thanks so much for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

John 16:33

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

Restless

We had a nice time in Listowel today.  I won't say what time I changed out of my pajamas.  I'm restless though.  The other night when I was watching a video at a Bible study I just had to keep moving and I wanted to stand up.  Today I didn't know what I wanted in terms of lying down, sitting, walking, etc. 

Tonight on the drive home, Isaac asked, "Where's Baby?" and talked about wanting to play with him.  He said that Baby must miss us and want to play with us.  I made a feeble attempt at explaining how it's different for those in heaven and for those of us on earth but seeing as I'm far from understanding this myself, I didn't say too much.  We keep affirming that we miss Baby and want to play with him.  Isaac did bring up "New Baby" and said that he'd play with her and help her do exercises.  Today Isaac thinks the new baby is a girl but he's also talked about having another brother in the past.  I asked him if he knows her name and he said, "Her."  Isaac said Baby was at the gravesite so I said his body was there but his spirit is in heaven.  We went to the cemetery but Isaac was most interested in the "animals" (twig deer) and the fountain. 

On the way home from the cemetery Isaac wanted Smarties.  I said maybe we'd have some at the next birthday as Isaac helps put Smarties on the cake.  He said we should have them when the new baby comes.  He agreed to eat the new baby's cake and Smarties as I said little babies can't have them. 

One of the little babies whom I'm praying for at SickKids is not doing well.  Her name is Ava. 

I started a fiction book that I picked up at the library and I've been enjoying the escape.  It doesn't help me get things put away but it's nice to focus my thoughts on the story.

I owe a lot of people responses to emails.  I read the emails and then mark them unread and then I sometimes even star them but my response rate is even worse than it usually is. 

Thank you so much for your prayers!  It seems like a lifetime ago when we had Josiah and I held him in my arms.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Isaiah 35:10
And the ransomed of the Lord shall return,
And come to Zion with singing,
With everlasting joy on their heads.
They shall obtain joy and gladness,
And sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

This is Grace

I'm writing from Listowel.

Isaac started crying from his room around 8:30 tonight.  I went in and he said, "Baby died."  We talked.  He wants to play with Baby.  So does Mommy.  I asked him if he remembered sitting on the chair with Baby.  "And Baby grabbed my book.  I moved it like this," he said with wide eyes and a smile, demonstrating where he put the book so Josiah couldn't touch it.

On the way to Listowel tonight we stopped at the Wallenstein store and I went to the book section and quickly found a children's book called, "I Couldn't Love You More."  I thought the message and pictures were nice so I asked Graham about it and he said to buy it if I wanted.  I left it in the car but after Isaac woke up I thought it might be good timing to read it.  It talks about how Jesus loves us even more.  I talked about how Josiah gets to be with Jesus.

I didn't realize the significance of the book until now.  It's based on the lyrics of a song by Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real and Jason Ingram.  From the inside flap of the book: "Hammitt's solo album Every Falling Tear chronicles his faith journey surrounding the birth of his son, Bowen ... born with hypoplastic left heart syndrome and endured two open-heart surgeries within the first months of his life."

Josiah had hypoplastic right heart syndrome along with a host of other issues.  A portion of the proceeds from the book and his album go to their foundation that helps families with children suffering from congenital heart defects.  Cool!  Thanks Lord!  Here's one of the songs from the album: This is Grace.

It was nice to have a visit with my neighbour this afternoon. 

Time for bed.  Thanks so much for all your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Isaiah 43:2
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.

Washing machine fixed

It's late.  My washing machine works and it was just the lid switch which is what I was hoping it would be.  Isaac is sleeping at Grandma and Grandpa's house tonight as Graham had a board meeting and I went to a Bible study.  He was excited to go there.  Isaac woke up just after 1:00 AM last night crying.  He wanted to go to the potty.  It was actually a little humorous.  Isaac is often quite particular.  He didn't want me to pick him up off the bed last night as he wanted to get down himself.  So I just sat down and he crawled off the bed.  Instead of getting off the side of the bed, he crawled right off the end of the bed head first.  He was less than impressed.  Thankfully his head and neck were fine.  I eventually got him back to sleep and then headed back to Graham. 

It wasn't a very eventful day but I did discover that I left Isaac's hat at the funeral home on Monday so I'll head there tomorrow to pick it up.  I spent quite a bit of time hunting down emails today to try to contact the artists whose songs we used in the funeral to ask for their permission to post the video of the funeral online.  That made me cry a little - writing that my son had died.  I'm hoping the emails actually make their way to the artists and that they respond soon.

We're going to head to Listowel tomorrow night. 

I heard today from a knowledgeable source that parents whose children die often go through an extended time of being numb.  I think I've come to terms with it now.  I know I'm not in denial so I'll take this peace bubble as a gift from God and trust Him to let the pain in at the right time.  We think we're going to try out a local counsellor who was recommended to us and eventually a group grief group that we've heard good things about. 

Thanks for your prayers.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Romans 12:12
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.