I cry tonight for the boy I don't know. For the eight month old who smiles and giggles and coos and chatters and flies forwards and backwards on his mama's legs. For the boy who happily nurses to sleep and loves to eat his food in his chair at the table. For the boy who loves to be with his older brother who makes him laugh. This boy breathes easily and deeply and has rosy skin.
I wouldn't trade Josiah for the world. He is a beautiful gift from God. I wish I had more happy memories. The lovely palliative care doctor asked us to tell him about Josiah. Did he have a favourite toy? What was his personality? What are our memories from before we went to the hospital? A lot of that time was challenging too.
Though he looked perfect, he had so much wrong with his heart at birth. What a gift to be able to take him home a week after birth. Amazingly, the doctors expect him to die of something he didn't have at birth - pulmonary vein stenosis. A small percentage of babies who have their TAPVD fixed then acquire pulmonary vein stenosis which is what happened to Josiah.
We were watching a DVD tonight in which someone died. That's what set this off. I can't imagine the moment when breathing stops. What on earth would I do next, except to pray and cry and thank God for His mercies - for they are new every morning. I will need them again and again. I can't imagine not being able to hold him in my arms. My sweet Josiah with the beautiful smiles - Mommy will always love you.
Crying with you and for you, Elizabeth....
ReplyDeleteOur hearts are heavy for you and for Graham. All the love, support, and words of encouragement tend to fade during quiet times when you are left alone with reality. I sympathize with your grief. Try not to allow your sorrow to steal precious moments of joy with your boys. I know words seem weak in comparison to the pain you are carrying. I often remind myself in our situation that we are on "borrowed time" with our little one. So many times he could have slipped away....moreso than that, Isaiah was never really mine, but he is His child. God is good. Every smile, every cuddle, every day is another blessing and gift from Him.
ReplyDeleteWith love and prayers.
Steve and Meghan G.