Forgiveness

I usually dislike being late.  In many cases I would rather not go somewhere than be very late.  We are now always late for church.  As of today, our alarms are set to go off next Saturday night to remind us to load up the car with the stroller and oxygen tanks to save us some time on Sunday morning.  Usually we now get up at 6:00 AM if we haven't heard Josiah before then and prepare his meds and feed so he gets it by 6:20ish.  Sunday services are now 10:00 AM so we should get up around 5:45 to prepare the meds and feed so that we don't have to give the 9:00 AM feed late.

The lovely greeter told me that we arrived at the perfect time this morning.  I forget if we were 20 or 30 minutes late.  Thankfully our church likes to sing to Jesus for a while so we're always able to participate in the music time.  I really like holding Josiah while worshipping the One who created him and and holds him in His arms.  God gets to decide how long I get to hold Josiah.   

Daddy making "birdy in a nest" for Isaac

We sent Isaac to church with my parents but he came and sat with us shortly after we arrived.  It's nice to all be together.  Josiah doesn't usually last long after the music ends (he gets fussy) so I walk him around in the stroller.  Today, the lovely greeter I was telling you about offered to walk him for me so that I could relax and enjoy listening to the sermon.  What a blessing!  When I returned to the service someone had come over to Graham and Josiah during the prayer time to pray for us, another act of love.  We appreciate all the support!

This afternoon our church held a community carnival so Graham and Isaac went to that after nap time.  They then went to the park where I met them with Josiah.  After dinner we had some time in the backyard again.  I put Josiah on the small oxygen tank that I can put on my back and I walk him outside like a normal baby (almost). 

Josiah will be 14 months in a few days.  Isaac learned to walk at 14 months and had been crawling for quite a while before that.  I would be so happy for Josiah if he could learn to crawl and walk and explore his environment for himself.  I try to take photos of Josiah when he is smiling but most of the day he is not smiling.  The last few nights he has given beautiful smiles before he goes to sleep.  We discovered today that he likes the blue spiky ball being rolled on his tummy and he likes it when I put my hand in the dragon puppet on his exersaucer and let the dragon kiss him.  It's a gift to discover new joys for him.

I read tonight that "forgiveness means to give up our resentment for the omission or commission of something that hurts us. ... In its most complete form, true forgiveness means we cease to feel resentment against the person who inflicted the pain" (Carol Kent).  I resonate with the use of the word resentment.  I confess that there was a time when I found it hard to be around the doctor who first presented us with our options for Josiah:  A) Abortion, B) Give birth locally and keep him comfortable until he dies, and C) Ask the team to do everything they can for him.  We made it clear right away that option A was never an option and it was never brought up again and we didn't feel any pressure.  It certainly could have just been my perception but I felt that the doctor would have chosen option B for us.  He talked about how hard this would be on our family and told us to consider what we would be putting our baby through.  Our baby had less than a 10% chance of making it to one year old.

I am grieved when I think of the people who choose option A.  I think option B is a viable option and I wouldn't judge anyone for choosing that option.  God can always choose to heal through option B.  We chose option C for Josiah.  We did take some time to consider this decision but we wanted to fight for him and a friend advised us that we would always wonder what could have been.  We do not regret fighting for Josiah and we will continue this fight.

I really liked this doctor who presented our options.  It wasn't until after our baby was born and also after we returned to SickKids last July that I started to feel resentment to this kind man.  I was once heading to the elevators and turned around when I saw him there.  Who was he to provide an option of ending Josiah's life while in my womb or to let him die without trying to save him?  I think part or perhaps even most of my resentment was because I felt he might be "right" somehow if Josiah died before his first birthday.  I was holding my breath until April 13, 2013.  Maybe I was mad because I didn't want him to be right.

Anyway, I saw this doctor at SickKids last Tuesday, though I wasn't able to speak with him and he either didn't see me or didn't see me seeing him.  However, I am happy to report that I was very happy to see him and wished I could say hello.  This was before I learned the good news about Josiah's veins.  I am thankful to God that there is no more resentment toward him.  I'm sure he doesn't enjoy giving these options to parents but he must do it many times.  This may not be an example of regular forgiveness as the doctor didn't sin against us but I have been able to let go of the resentment, with God's help.  Of course, it's also due to the fact that Josiah is over one year old.  I didn't know if I would get this time with him and it's such a gift, though we don't find it easy.

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth 


P.S. Isaac slept over 11 hours last night - praise be to God for miracles!!!

Matthew 6:14-15 (NIV)

¹⁴ For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵ But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.