I Spy

I may have lied, in a moment of apparent strength.  I don't know if I'd be strong or brave enough to say to God, "You keep him in heaven" if I could have him back.  It seems easy to say that in lucid moments but tonight when I was missing Josiah, I just wanted him back - in the crib, in my arms, even just to look at him and breathe him in.

It's taken me over two weeks to throw out his food.  I threw away the baby cereal, the liquid yogurt and his Greek yogurt, his puffs and his Little Crunchies that he was so good at eating and enjoyed biting.  I don't want the same foods in my house.  I don't even want the same type of bread that we bought for him.

The dietitian took about seven boxes of Pediasure that we had.  She has another client who needs it but is having issues getting a prescription so I'm glad she'll be able to pass it on.  Isaac wanted the boxes to stay so I explained it.

Isaac went into Josiah's room today so we cuddled on the comfy chair and remembered how he watched some DVDs in the crib with Josiah.  I made up a little song about loving and missing Josiah who is in heaven and Isaac wanted me to sing it again later.

Isaac and I played I Spy for quite a while outside on our front doorstep.  I tried not to look at him when he picked his item but one time I saw exactly where he was looking so after a few incorrect guesses I guessed the correct answer.  I explained to him how I knew what he had picked and said that he should keep looking around after he chose the item he wanted and look somewhere else so that I wouldn't know his choice.  I asked him if he understood.  He immediately said, "Close your eyes Mommy," and then he picked a new item for I Spy.  Oh, that boy!

I'm typing this from my parent's home as I'm doing another load of laundry.  I called the repair service for the store where we bought the washing machine and I was told the earliest that someone could come out was Friday.  Wow - I confess I was quite surprised that I would have to wait that long.  I asked if it was alright to cancel if I found someone else which is when they offered to put me on their cancellation list.  I found another appliance repair person with great reviews but he's on holidays until Wednesday so I'll find out then if he's available before Friday.

I received a lovely email tonight from someone who has gone through grief and she let me know that for her the second year was hardest and it took a while for the tears to flow freely but they came.  That was really nice to hear.  Part of me just wants to "get a move on with this grief thing" but I don't think it works like that.  I also know I don't want to be an emotional wreck when the new baby arrives next March - or, just too plain busy and tired with a new baby to process the grief.  I'll just have to trust God day by day.  He will see us through.

Thank you for your prayers!

Blessings,

Elizabeth

2 Corinthians 6:10a
... sorrowful, yet always rejoicing ...