Changes

Isaac with Bearemiah

Isaac quickly got over his caution about the Berg.  It was his garbage truck today and he was excited to be a garbage man.  Grandpa pushed him around the living room and the kitchen.  He also tied on a little wagon to the back so he could take the garbage (blocks) to the dump.  I'll have to post the pics tomorrow as I don't have the right hardware to transfer those photos.  Isaac's cousins also enjoyed a little ride in the living room tonight.

Graham's parents came over and treated us to dinner tonight.  They brought with them a gift for Isaac from one of Graham's cousins who made a really nice Montreal Canadiens Build-a-Bear for Isaac.  Isaac asked Grandpa F. to take off the bear's uniform so the bear could go to sleep but it didn't take long for the bear to need his uniform again.  Isaac also enjoyed playing with the puck and stick.

Graham wondered if I'm in a state of shock to some extent.  We watched a show last night that included a baby dying and it didn't affect me one iota.  Not only has our dear Josiah passed away and all of our dreams for him and us but so much about our life the past year has changed.  No more cardiologists, doctors, nurses and nurse practitioners, physiotherapists, dietitians, OTs and speech and language pathologists.  No more SickKids, McMaster, or GrandRiver hospital visits.  No more Ronald McDonald House.  No more crazy schedule, gravity feeds, too many medicines, enox injections, checking for pops, NG tube insertions, taping and retaping.  No more being prepared for power outages and emergencies, checking oxygen saturations levels, and ordering meds and supplies.  The first part of this list is all about the community of people we've had in our lives starting December 2012 when Josiah was first diagnosed in utero.  It seems kind of selfish of me to miss these people whom we only needed because Josiah was sick but I think fondly of so many of these people who cared so well for Josiah.  I always thought we'd go back to SickKids again and I'd get to see so many of the amazing people I've met.  The second part of the list are things that weren't nice for Josiah in general but they were still part of my life for so long.  I went from always being "on" to not needing to be on in many ways.

I think again of the timing of Josiah's death and I'm so grateful.  There were two days in the week preceeding his death, including the day before his death, when Graham was far away and wouldn't have been able to make it back in time to see Josiah alive had this happened when he was away.  Really, even if he had been at work he probably wouldn't have been able to return home in time once I'd realized how serious this was.  Being with Josiah and being together was very important to Graham and I think this would have been so much harder on me had I been alone as I would probably be second guessing my decisions.  God is so gracious. 

The thought came to me today that even if God said I could have Josiah back, I would of course say no.  While I would love to see him, hear him, and hold him again, and examine every part of him, smelling him in and kissing his lips and feeling those soft curls ... how could I ever wish him back from Jesus' arms?  How could I ever wish him back from the freedom he is able to experience?  How could I ever wish him back from heaven?  I could not.

My friend reminded me yesterday that this is our end goal - to be with Jesus.  While we can certainly know Jesus on earth and I couldn't do this without him, there can surely be no comparison to being right in His immediate presence in heaven.  I couldn't wish tubes and laboured breathing and blue skin on my dear son.  Oh, but how I would love to have him in my arms again.

In some ways it's like he wasn't here.  My son has died, surely my world should be falling apart.  Surely the tears should not cease to flow.  I just nodded and calmly agreed as the doctor explained that they'd already done CPR for longer than usual and asked if we agreed that they should stop.  I just calmly asked for adhesive remover to remove his tubes.  Surely my heart should have broken in two, my lungs should have forgotten how to breath.  My legs should have given way.  Should I be thankful for peace or grieve that I am stone?  (That sounds a little too melodramatic - I'm just writing - don't worry that I am not giving myself grace or trying to allow myself to grieve in my own way.  Actually, writing can help me cry.)

The dietitian will meet me Monday morning for the supplies I'll pass on and the physiotherapist will meet me late Monday afternoon.  Then I'll just have one more person to contact about passing on some supplies.  Then we can focus on thank you cards.

The heat has finally let up late this afternoon so we'll head home tomorrow morning.  Isaac and I saw a beautiful rainbow on the way home from the restaurant tonight - a reminder of God's promises.  It is wonderful that roses still smell lovely and curry still tastes delicious and a rainbow still puts me in awe of God's glory. 

Thank you for your prayers!  I need sleep.  Last night I awoke at 3:30 - the earliest yet.  Isaac is also waking earlier - just before 6:00 this morning.  Thankfully he is still napping well so I can catch up on a little sleep then.  I seem to find it easier to sleep in the day.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Philippians 3:20-21

²⁰ But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.