I woke up just before 5:00 AM this morning. The thoughts then start mulling around in my brain and sleep is elusive. They aren't bad or crippling thoughts. They are random thoughts about many of the conversations we had with people the last couple of days and remembering different details of the funeral. I feel okay. I decided I might as well be productive so I went into Josiah's room and sat on the comfy chair and started reading the book on loss that my friend recommended weeks ago. I had actually asked for her recommendations for another friend. God knows what we'll need.
I remembered that I meant to mention the police officer yesterday. We had a police escort to the graveside which was news to me. As we neared the entrance the officer sped up, parked, and stood at attention, saluting the entire procession. Wow. That was so kind.
The last couple of days, both during the visitations and while we spoke to people during the reception, I've told a number of people that I'm running on adrenalin. The fact is I think I felt that I needed to apologize somehow for how "together" I appeared as I haven't been crying and many times the person I was hugging was crying. In truth I didn't feel like I was pumped up on adrenalin. I think God has just been holding me tightly in his arms and that's a wonderful place to be. They say that grief is different for everyone so I will try to give myself grace even when I'm not crying. It does feel good to cry when it happens (while also intensely painful). I think that surely the floodwaters should be bursting over the levees but that's not happening right now. We do have extended family around until next Wednesday so we'll enjoy spending time with them and let Isaac be doted on by his cousins. People talk about being numb but I feel quite aware of what's going on, though I am tired and was exhausted at the end of the reception yesterday.
One of my brother-in-laws worked hard the last couple of days preparing videos with Josiah's photos for the visitation and the funeral. We wished we had thanked him publicly yesterday as he did such an amazing job. Everyone has been so helpful.
Another thought yesterday was about my sister-in-law who lives locally. She is highly skilled and had a great job which she felt that God was asking her to leave long before Josiah was even born or his challenges were know. At the time, God hadn't made it clear to her what was to come next. In my humble opinion, this wasn't like my sister-in-law who is a wonderful planner and makes things happen. She and my brother trusted God's leading. The dates worked out so that she ended her position within days of Josiah's birth. Even when I was living in Toronto to prepare for Josiah's birth, my sister-in-law came and took me out for lunch and blessed me. She has been so helpful with Isaac during this whole time and this past week she has helped me in countless ways. God provided so beautifully for us. I could go on and on but I've mentioned before about the timing of my dad's retirement and my parent's moving to this area and being able to look after Isaac when we were in the hospital and when we were home.
I think I just want to put everything back in Josiah's room exactly where it was and then take some photos to remember. I think it will be good for us that we are forced to make changes in the room as a number of items need to be returned to various places (or picked up) such as the pole for his feeds, the oximeter, the oxygen concentrator and oxygen tanks, and the suction machine. I asked for permission to wait until next week to do this. I'm glad it's not currently difficult to go into Josiah's room. I can still see his messy hand prints on the window pane as there were a few decorations stuck to the window that he liked to feel.
I hung up a few roses to dry on the drapery pole in my front window. I'm not sure if they'll dry well or not or if I'll end up keeping them. In one sense they will just be extra stuff that we don't need but I don't want to regret not having them later so this way I'll have a choice when I'm ready.
This is currently my vehicle for getting out what's in my head. Thank you for your prayers!
Blessings,
Elizabeth
Psalm 91:1
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.”
Everyone grieves in their own way, Elizabeth. When my grandfather died, many years ago, 2 daughters wanted to go to school that day, 1 did not. When someone close to us dies I cry, my husband does not. Perhaps now that the busyness of the past week is done and the funeral over, the tears will come? Hugs to you all.
ReplyDelete"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
Oh Elizabeth, I never cease to be amazed by witnessing the journey you and Graham are walking with the Lord. It is such a testimony of His love and care for all His children. And now to hear your latest news...God's timing is incredible. How wonderful that you were able to share the news with Josiah! It would be a blessing for those of us who were unable to be at the service, to view it on line, and say goodbye to the little one who found his way into our hearts through your journaling and photos. Continuing to hold you all up in prayer to the One who is ever-faithful.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Perhaps not for thinking about just now now...but Blogger does offer the option of converting your blog posts into a book. My sister and I have both used this and have been very pleased with the results. It is a reasonably- priced, very simple process and jncludes all your photos etc. you can find the info under blog2print. (sorry, I couldn't get the link to post here). I am sure you could order more than one copy for family and friends. Your writing is inspirational and moving, and the books would make a wonderful keepsake of Josiah's life.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth and Graham, sometimes tears do not flow when you expect them to (or when others expect them to) but there will be times when something very small will bring the tears on. Let them flow whenever you need to.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth:
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that Nancy and I did not have an opportunity to speak with you following yesterday's service in memory of Josiah.
I wanted to tell you how much your blog has meant to Nancy and myself. Typically, just before going to sleep, Nancy would read it aloud. We would discuss it and then pray.
Our favourite aspect of the blog was the opportunity it gave us to get to know Josiah. We recall seeing him as a young baby when you brought him to LPC, and again, we recall meeting a much larger Josiah at his 1st year birthday party at WPA. Otherwise, our knowledge concerning Josiah was primarily derived from your blog.
From it, we came to appreciate Josiah as a mischievous little "imp" with loads of character. I would laugh when Nancy would read of you going into his room with a flashlight and Josiah greeting you with a big smile as he triumphantly held up his oxygen sensor. Josiah obviously loved getting a hold of his various plastic tubing (oxygen or NG). It almost seemed to us, that at times, it was a test of wits and will between parents and this cute little guy - with Josiah often "winning". I would relate the latest "Josiah escapade" to our Wednesday evening prayer meeting. It was great that these people got a chance to get to know Josiah, and love him, as well as pray for him.
Nancy and I want to commend you and Graham for the sterling, exemplary care that you lavished on Josiah. Before I trained for the ministry, my background was in science. Many of my peers who graduated alongside me in biochemistry, went on to medical school. Much of my university time was spent in scientific laboratories. Accordingly, (and also considering that many of my family are medical professionals), I speak with knowledge what I say how impressed I was with your ability to perform medical procedures such as NG tube insertion, …
We have thought of you, Graham, Isaac, and Josiah, so many times even before Josiah's birth. You, Graham and Isaac will remain in our prayers, as well as, in our hearts.
Keven and Nancy Rooney