One week ago today

Josiah would have turned 15 months old today.  The clock said 5:41 when I opened my eyes this morning.  Last week when Josiah woke up crying for the last time, one of the clocks said 5:42 (I can't remember if it was the clock with the correct time or the one five minutes fast.)  I kind of tried to remember and relive moments in my head as I watched the time move on.  I commented to Graham that I wonder what time was listed as the time of death - when they started CPR or when they stopped it.  His heart never came back.  It seems like a long time ago when I last held him.

We're tired.  We went to my parent's this morning to say goodbye to my brother and his family but Graham and I rested most of the time we were there.  Then we were able to go to my niece's last soccer game.  She's a great player!  We all had a good nap after coming home.  Isaac became quite upset shortly after waking up.  Thankfully he likes to cuddle between Graham and me in bed while he drinks milk and holds my hair.  He also likes me to sing to him, usually starting with "Jesus Loves Me."  It's nice to be able to give him comfort.  After he calmed down I said, "Mommy loves you so much and Daddy loves you so much."  He responded, "And Baby."  He often called Josiah, Baby.  I said, "Yes, Josiah loves you so much as well."  Tonight before bed he wanted Baby's body to be here.  I asked him if he wanted a photo of him and Baby for his wall but he said he wanted Baby there.  We let him know that we all want Baby.  I asked Isaac if he had any memories of Baby and he said yes, "Baby laughing."  We say Jesus is taking the best care of him and Isaac reminds us that he's with God too.  I don't think he fully grasped my explanation of the Trinity the other day.  :)  Isaac liked the idea of asking Jesus to say hello to Baby and pass on our kisses to him.  I like it too.  

We went to my brother's home for dinner and then went and bought a cell phone as we lost ours on the day Josiah passed away.  My brother-in-law said we should buy a phone if we wanted to find our old one and it worked!  We found our phone this evening in a place we've both looked in.  I figured that would happen.  I tried to take back the other one tonight but I didn't have the same debit card.  That was annoying.  Actually, I had some mean one-liners go through my head as I thought about their customer service but that excited me as I thought about anger being a sign of grief.  I want to know I'm grieving.  Usually I'm extra emotional when I'm tired but right now I just feel wiped out.  Dad wondered if perhaps my pregnancy hormones are affecting the way I'm grieving as well.

I went to the graveside tonight.  It felt good to go.  I really like the Williamsburg Cemetery.  I heard birds singing and it's just a lovely location.  We'll have to look at the by-laws to see what we're allowed to put on the grave now.  We're allowed a small garden but I think that's after we have a gravestone.  I think we may put a gravestone in on his birthday next year or on the one year anniversary of his death.  His grave is right beside a small tree so at least we'll be able to know where it is even in the snow. 

Graham and I watched a funny movie tonight and ate things that tasted good.  I'll need to be careful about not eating junk very often. 

Yesterday we were able to drop some things off at the church and go to the funeral home to finish up with everything there.  Erb & Good has done such an amazing job.  They even gave us a stack of thank you cards as well as printed mailing labels for all of those people who gave flowers and donations in Josiah's name.  Wow - how thoughtful!  We went out for shawarma for lunch yesterday.  We've both been wanting it the last few days but didn't think the garlic sauce would go over well with all of the people we needed to hug at the visitation and reception.   We then went to Listowel to say goodbye to family there and enjoyed some very tasty Indian food they had made. 

It's time for bed.  We really need to put our house in order as we have things everywhere but we haven't been home long enough or awake long enough to do that.  Well, tonight we decided to watch a movie instead.

It's time for bed.  I feel like I have low grade malaise.  Things don't bring me to tears but something's just not right.  I was in SuperStore tonight and I walked through the baby section, seeing things that would have looked cute on Josiah.  Thank you for your prayers. 

Blessings,

Elizabeth

John 16:22 So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.