Grieving with Hope

I don't know what to write.  I don't know where to start.  I should be preparing a feed or pulling up meds.  I want to check for a pop with the stethoscope.  I want to rock him to sleep.  I want to sing to him and run my fingers through his soft curly hair.  I want to kiss his cheeks and purple lips.  I want to watch him sleeping peacefully or turning the ball in his exersaucer.  I want to see his sparkling eyes.

I will never again walk into his room in the morning and see the most beautiful smile imaginable light up the room and mommy's heart.  Josiah Nathanael Gabriel Faulkner, your mommy misses you so much as does your daddy and big brother Isaac.  We long for you.  We ache without you.

There are no more alarms going off with reminders of meds and feeds and appointments and drugs to order.  There is no oxygen concentrator humming, no monitor going off, no syringes to wash and put in bags, no oxygen tanks to pack up, no appointment calendar to check, no nurses coming to the door, no baby in his chair at the kitchen table making his mommy so proud with what he's eating and drinking.  There's no Josiah asleep in the next room and no breathing to check.

Isaac has spoken about Josiah quite a lot today, saying he misses Baby and that he wants to go to heaven. 

Amazingly, I can still breathe and walk around and eat and write.  Sleep is a little harder to come by.  I think the nights will be the hardest when I'm alone with my thoughts and my brain won't turn off.  I remembered advice that my eldest brother gave me back during university.  He said to find a book and escape for a while.  I found Gordon Korman's "I Want to Go Home" on my shelf which I probably read when I was 11 years old or something.  I think it helped me a little to change the channel in my brain so that I was able to get a little bit of sleep until the funeral home called this afternoon.  Any sleep is welcome. 

We are so grateful to God for so many things.  God took Josiah home quickly.  This was God's timing.  Sweet Josiah awoke crying around 5:40 AM, we called 911 around 7:30 AM after he progressed downhill, CPR was started in the ambulance on route to the hospital at 7:55 and it ended after 30 minutes.  His heart was never able to be shocked as it never regained the correct rhythm.   I think it was a blessing that we never knew what was happening.  He was sweaty when I picked him out of his crib in the morning - he had sweat through his sheets.  I thought perhaps I had just turned the cool to fan on the air conditioner.  When he first started throwing up his feed I thought it was the way we turned him over or that his feed was somehow bad or that he just had a stomach bug.  In between throwing up we were each able to rock him and cuddle him for a little while and for a few minutes at a time he looked peaceful though his breathing was more laboured.  We really didn't have a clue.  We even took out the DVD player but that only settled him for a few moments.

We carried him to the door and outside to the stretcher when the paramedics arrived.  He was in my arms and Graham carried two oxygen tanks for his nasal prongs and a mask for blow by.  Thankfully we'd already called my parents over.  Also, it was after 7:30 AM at this point and Isaac had not called out from his room so he was spared from seeing his brother in distress.  God protected him.  At one point (before Josiah completely deteriorated), we had considered driving him to the hospital.  I can't imagine our feelings had he died in the car seat on the way to the hospital.  Before the ambulance left our street, one of the paramedics said they were encouraged that his colour had improved but his heart rate had zoomed from around 80 to almost 200 beats per minute.  I had to ride in the front of the ambulance but even when the paramedic called to the driver that they'd started CPR when his heart rate went to below 60, I just kept praying but still had God's peace.  When they parked the ambulance, the paramedic intubated Josiah in the ambulance before he was transferred inside. 

I'll spare you from the details of what went on in the hospital to try to save him but both Graham and I are very happy that we asked them to do everything they could to try to save him.  We would do it all over again and we're thankful for the medical intervention.  We know God could have started his heart again but that wasn't His plan. We had another beautiful gift from God in a dream that He gave to Josiah's incredible nurse who also came to the hospital and held Josiah.  That meant so much to me and to all of our family as we were all blessed by Michael and his love and care for Josiah.  This dream also confirmed to us that this was God's perfect timing and plan.   

We are so thankful that all of the local family was able to come to the hospital and see Josiah's body to say goodbye.  Graham's eldest brother and his wife were able to see Josiah in May and Graham's younger brother and his wife and family were able to visit with Josiah just last Wednesday (they are both from BC).  That family is still here.  On my side of the family two families have trips scheduled to start next week so that timing is good too.  We had already made plans for both sides of our family to all be together yesterday in Waterloo so that's what we did after leaving the hospital.  God is so good and gracious.  Graham and I stayed behind at the hospital until we were ready to leave Josiah's body.  Before Josiah was even born, I remember asking a dear friend who had gone through the death of her child, how one can possibly walk out and leave their child for the last time.  She said among other things that they knew it was just her earthly shell.  That was so clear to us as we held Josiah, though his earthly shell was beautiful.  It was not as hard as I had thought it would be.  God's grace truly is all sufficient and we are thankful.  The lovely nurse at the hospital helped us to bathe Josiah a final time.  

It was good to hold Josiah.  He looked peaceful.  The first thing I did after CPR was stopped (the doctor took us aside to a room and explained everything and asked if we agreed to stop CPR) was to ask them for adhesive remover so that I could remove the tapes from his face and thus remove the tubes.  That's one thing that Isaac is happy about - that Josiah has no more tubes.  Isaac wanted to see Josiah in his crib today so we reminded him that he'd gone to heaven and that we can't see him again on earth.  Then he thought he was at the hospital so we talked about that.  We spoke about the meaning of Josiah's name (God has healed) and how God had healed him by taking him to heaven where he is with Jesus. 

I haven't changed anything in Josiah's room yet.  The clean open diaper that we were going to put on him is still in his crib, the tray with the empty syringes from his morning meds is there too.  We had packed up all his medicines to take with us, thinking we would need them if we had a long stay.  His diaper bag is in our hall and the blanket and box from the hospital are on the dishwasher.  They took prints and molds of his feet which we'll need to pick up from the hospital.

There will be no more needles, no more oxygen hunger, no more laboured breathing, no more morphine, no more pain, no more tears.  He is free.   

I now know for sure that this blog is not for Josiah.  I had always hoped that I would be able to show him his story one day.  I need to grieve the lost dreams.  The lost miracle of healing on earth.  The brothers that will not grow up together.  God said, "No" to our prayers asking that Josiah would learn to crawl and walk and talk and play and dance with Isaac.  There will be no more pictures or videos.  That of course is a big regret - that we didn't have another family photo done.  The last one was done in January and the boys have changed a lot.  However, we can certainly be thankful for all that we do have.  We are blessed.

It's true that I can breathe but I am often wanting deeper breaths and there is often an ache seemingly in my stomach.  It is good to cry.  We need to walk through this grief but it's also hard to "want to go there" to the thoughts about never ever holding him again and seeing his smile.  I was already reading a book on loss that my friend suggested to me and I was reading it the night before Josiah passed away.  One step it suggests is to list my losses.  I guess that's part of what this entry is tonight. 

I really want to smell him.  I wish his scent were here in the house but I don't think it is.  I want to give him a bath.  It was hard to go to his swing today and remember that I'd had him there just the night before and for many nights.  Everywhere I look there are reminders - the avocados and pear we bought to give him, his nail clippers, the toys he liked, his room of course.  I have his bunny on my bed along with the teddy bear we bought after we lost our first child due to an ectopic pregnancy.  I actually bought the bunny before his second surgery with the idea that it would go on my bed if Josiah didn't make it.   

Thank you SO much for all of your emails and comments.  I check often to see if there are emails as they are so encouraging and they help lift us up.  Even just knowing that you're thinking of us is a blessing.  Since the beginning and all through our extended hospital stay I've always said and felt that the hard part was to come.  It's hard now and I expect (from what I hear) that the hardest part will be after the funeral and after everyone leaves.  God is in control and He loves us and we are in the palm of His hand, as is Josiah - the safest place to be.  God is good and He will see us through.  Good will come out of this, one day.

I know God will see us through.  Graham and I have prayed for our marriage as we know losing a child can be devastating for marriages.  We know we will grieve each in our own way and we will each give each other permission to do that.  Graham is so strong and is leading our family through this.  I pray for protection of Isaac's heart and mind.  He is both smart and sensitive.

Isaac makes us laugh so much.  Yesterday there was a little mishap in the washroom and Graham kept calling me but I was downstairs at my brother's home and no one heard.  Isaac finally said to Graham, "Mommy can't hear you.  When you finish wiping me, I'll stay here and you can go and find Mommy."  Oh how we love that boy!  I can't imagine going through this without Isaac to hold and tickle and kiss and laugh with.  Isaac's name means, "He will laugh."  Lord, you knew what we would need.  Thank You for Your faithfulness. 

It was so good to be in church today.  It was good to raise my hands and praise God with tears streaming down my face.  It was good to have congregation members stand around us and pray for us.  I've always said that God is good but I'm so happy to know that I can sing and proclaim honestly that "God is good ALL the time" even after the death of my dear son.  God, You gave Your only son because you loved us so much.  It is because of Jesus' death and resurrection that Josiah can live and we can know with assurance that we will see him again, though the waiting will be hard, it will be anguish.  "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning" (Psalm 30:5).  We know that "the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness" (Lamentations 3:22-23).

We were sent the following song from very early on in this journey, quite possibly from before Josiah was even born.  I don't think I posted it before but perhaps I did.  I think I was saving it up.  This is Matt Redman's "Never Once."

Tomorrow morning we'll meet with a funeral director at Erb & Good.  We expect the funeral will be Thursday morning but we'll confirm the details tomorrow on the blog.   We hope to visit the cemetery after that.  It feels good that this process won't feel too rushed as I always envisioned it would be.  Josiah's body was transferred to SickKids today for an autopsy tomorrow.  Due to the weekend and the autopsy, things are taking a little longer and I feel good about that.  God knows what we need.

Graham and I are so grateful for the opportunity to be Josiah's parents.  

Thank you so much for your prayers, comments, and emails.  We need you.  Please pray that we will grieve well and be able to sleep.  Please also pray for the extended family, especially Josiah's incredible grandparents who loved him so well.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Psalm 127:2b - For He grants sleep to those He loves.